I've inherited some money and don't know how to share it.

[Snowme]

I've inherited a significant amount of money. Not enough to buy a house or anything like that,but certainly enough to drastically improve the lives of myself and my two young children.

I have three step siblings but as I grew up with them from the age of 2.5 none of us have ever referred to or considered eachother stepsiblings.
Our Dad (my stepdad) died about 18 years ago and at the time I vaguely remember it being common knowledge that because I was the stepchild and I was going to inherit from my paternal grandparents one day, anything from my stepdad's will would not include me, as I was kind of catered for already. I believe the same is now also true with regards to my Mum's will.

Although my siblings spent an occasional school holiday with me and my paternal grandparents, and always received birthday presents with money and gifts throughout their childhood from them, they were not mentioned in my late grandmother's will. So whilst they were not especially close to them, they were familiar with them.

As there are no other beneficiaries to the will except myself, I would like to give some of the money to my siblings. But dilemmas keep presenting themselves. I'm also asking advice from a more practical forum, but Mumsnet will provide more direct views.

Basically, I'd like to know how much to give them.

Briefly, my recent background is that I left a DV 8 year relationship a couple of years ago and left their father with my then 4 week old newborn and toddler.

I've had massive financial problems since, inherited debt from our time together where he did not contribute financially, etc etc. I've recently filed for a Debt Relief Order (similar to bankruptcy) as it got to the point where I was evicted for arrears and then couldn't even afford to bus my daughter into school in the next town. The debt isn't huge and this inheritance could finally take away that 5 year long noose from my neck.

My youngest starts school this Autumn, so this money also makes the transition from depending on benefits to finding full time work again much easier.

But as I'm currently still on full benefits until the probate process is completed in several months time, once the benefits agencies are aware, I won't be eligible for housing benefit, income support or council tax benefit, so as I'm not working and it's unlikely I'll find a full time job quickly that can also cover childcare costs, I'm going to have to pay my own rent, living expenses, etc once I have that money, so at around £900 a month or whatever the cost is rent, food, utilities, council tax, etc that inheritance will trickle away very quickly.

The idea of stashing it for my children's future is becoming less feasible if I have to live off it instead until I find work.

So, with that in mind, firstly what amount should I be thinking of giving my siblings, and secondly, do I explain my reasons for that amount (ie that I need to think of my own children first and that they have already inherited from our Dad when I did not)
or not declare the full amount at all?

I want to be able to give the, something of course, I just don't know how much. I'm aware this is such a once in a lifetime blessing. What do you think ? Do I need to declare the amount here or can you figure out a reply without knowing it? It's to enough buy a house, nowhere near,for instance.

[Juniperdewdropofbrandy]

Glad you're listening and going to get financial advice.

[SavoyCabbage]

I think you need to keep it because of the situation you are in. Use it for a deposit on a house.

[happyAvocado]

if you feel you are going to be tempted to just withdraw money and give it to them just to shut them up - put most of them in an account where you need say 30 or 60 day notice

keep some money accessible - but not all

that is why you need advice from someone independent to help you work out how to manage it

[lottiegarbanzo]

Please prioritise your children. Think about their future. You need to start thinking longer term.

I can see how a hand to mouth existence on benefits would give you a very short term attitude to money and a heightened gratitude for treats. You need to shift that. People who have money plan ahead and they do what they can to hold onto it. They spend on things they can keep, like houses, not blow it on things that are instantly gone.

Yes, there's value in enjoyment and happy memories but I think your sensitivity to this is too great, because you've been struggling. Think less about momentary happiness, more about contentedness, comfort, security.

If you must focus on holidays, what about the French exchange trip your child will want to go on in ten years time, with their friends? Will this windfall have placed you in a better position to afford that? Extra tuition they might need or A-levels? University? If you invest in a more secure future then yes, it can.

[Longdistance]

You are soft op. Seriously, your siblings inherited their money from their father, you didn't receive anything, and it is YOUR turn now.

Your gm left YOU that money to put to good use.

You said in your pp that your siblings could ill afford to part with their inheritance at the time. You can't either, you have debt to pay off. You can have a lovely holiday with your dc, or some lovely treats. You'll be able to start off in a new life without being on benefits and getting back to working.

[Juniperdewdropofbrandy]

Listen to lottiegarbanzo.

[ApocalypseCheeseToastie]

Could you get someone to 'look after' it for you ?? Ie not spend any until you are financially stable and looking at buying a house or whatever ??

[SomeBear]

Is there any possibility that your siblings have also inherited an amount from this will? If I was in your situation, as other posters have said, I would pay off my debts, have a holiday / buy a car / invest in a college course, and put some aside for my children's future. My less immediate family wouldn't enter into the equation other than perhaps a more generous than usual Christmas or birthday present. Harsh, perhaps, but it's a hard world and sometimes you need to give yourself permission to be selfish.

[ICutMyFootOnOccamsRazor]

I would far, far rather give money to my children (or invest in their future in a tangible way) than give it to anyone else.

[Earlybird]

You need to honour your grandmother's wishes and her intent. She left the money to you for your use. If she had wanted them to have some of it, she would have left some of it to them.

What percentage of the total will you have left after you have paid off your debts?

How many dc, and how old? Realistically, when would you be able to work? And when you are able to work, realistically how much would you estimate you'll earn per year? How does that compare to your likely outgoings?

You need to be methodical about figuring this out.

Do not speak about the money to anyone. Envy will eat them up, and they can easily make you feel guilty about having some good luck. You should not feel guilty. Don't lie, but be vague and non-commital with anyone who asks. It is none of their business.

Be aware that what sounds like a huge amount of money right now, can disappear more quickly than you'd expect. You must be shrewd and astute. This is likely your one chance at real financial security. Don't blow it.

[VestaCurry]

Please honour the will. The money was for you and you have young children to support. If you want to be selfless, direct it towards those you are responsible for. You have been through v difficult times so use this inheritance to secure as much of your future as possible. You already know how unstable life can be, this money could be the buffer you need against some of what life throws at us. Good luck.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

"Our Dad (my stepdad) died about 18 years ago and at the time I vaguely remember it being common knowledge that because I was the stepchild and I was going to inherit from my paternal grandparents one day, anything from my stepdad's will would not include me, as I was kind of catered for already. I believe the same is now also true with regards to my Mum's will."

OK, so despite this man being your dad from the age of two and a half onwards, you were excluded from inheriting from him. Sorry, but IMHO your stepsiblings have already been 'catered for'. And you "believe the same is now also true with regards to my Mum's will."? Fuck me ! I can only imagine how that little piece of information wormed its way to you, and I have to say it doesn't paint your family as very nice at all. And I do wonder if the conviction that you should be sharing your inheritance from your grandmother wormed its way into you the same way.

You are far from financially secure, and I really don't think you should be considering sharing your inheritance with them. Had your grandmother wished it, she would have willed it so. She didn't, she wanted you to have it.

[Selvedge]

Don't feel bad for wanting to share your good fortune, but don't feel obliged either.

How old were your siblings when your D(S)F died? Did his estate pass to your DM? If so, how has she decided to leave her estate? Ask her about it!

Don't mention figures for now. You don't know how much it will be eventually...

There is a way to gift inheritance to others not included in a will officially.

Will come back with more detail when not so late.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

A Deed of Variation is how you do that. I wouldn't but if you must...

[HerRoyalNotness]

The best thing you can do is keep the money for you and your DC. It is a deposit on a small house for you all, to secure your future. Get advice to see how that can work out for you. It's not enough to be handing it around and treating others when you and your DC are in need.

[BlueStarsAtNight]

It sounds like you are placing a massive emphasis on making other people happy and how wonderful it would be to give your siblings a windfall. That's understandable given how much it would have meant to you, but I'd worry from what you've said that no matter what you gave them, be it £50, £500 or £5000 each, that your siblings might be more focussed on what they haven't been given (ie a large share of the massive London house) than what they have. I don't think you'll find an amount that makes you feel like you've really 'shared' it with them, whilst still leaving you enough to secureyour and your childrens future. It's a lot of money yes, but it will disappear shockingly fast if you are using it for basic living expenses. Please please focus on making it go as far as possible to provide real security for your children, and stop worrying about what your siblings will think of you. Just don't mention it at all, like they never mentioned your dads money.

[Daughteroughter]

Hi - my mil died recently and she left her estate mainly to my sil having discussed with DH and I as sil has v little and we are ok. She left all GC same sour ds has same as his cousins. Sil life is tough financially and also has an it's only money attitude.....frankly DH and I find it irritating we didn't mind her having the majority at all. We do mind that she is frittering DMiL (and fil) hard earned money when she (they ) so wanted to help her and her kids. Don't let your grandmother down

[MrsHoarder]

If it would buy 1/3 of a house then that is a good sized deposit once you are working again. Maybe your gp only left money to you as they knew your dsf hadn't left you anything and were looking to right this.

Seriously, don't give your siblings any of it. Your children's financial security has to come first, and if you lost benefits due to the inheritance but didn't have it to pay living expenses then you would have real problems.

[BlueStarsAtNight]

I'd also encourage you to think practically about how you would break down that money, e.g. say you have £40000 - driving lessons and a decent reliable car are going to be at least £5-7000 ish (remembering you have to insure and maintain it too). Living costs at £1000 a month whilst you look for work, which could easily take 6 months to a year in this climate, that's another £12000. Put £5000 in q savings account for each child to give them a start when they leave home. That leaves £11-13000 to pay off your debts, have a holiday, and put the rest in savings just in case you are in trouble again in the future, e.g. lose your job etc. That's a nice position to be in. If you want to give your siblings some, which pot would it come from? Your children's savings? Your living costs? Your car money (meaning you have to get a less reliable one and have more maintenance costs for it)? Or your savings for the future? Thinking of it like that might help you see it not as just a big pot of money ready to help you make people happy, but actually real tangible things that your family needs.

[Pagwatch]

I think you also misunderstand how this works.
Surprisingly only a few people accept a gift of money with a cheery 'great. Thanks'
More often people get very odd about it. It can change relationships, especially if the relationship is not a good one in the first place.

I think you should not discuss this with anyone. You should , in order,
get the money
Pay your debts
Sort out the financial implications re benefits etc
Wait a year
Then gift

For 'how much do I give these people - these people who have not really helped or supported me' to be your first thought is a bit odd.

You know you could take out isas for your dc to help them in the future? A really great investment for which they would thank you when they need driving lessons or money at uni..

[saffronwblue]

I would stop using the term "share" about the inheritance. You are not going to share it. You may, after advice and after your and your DC's needs are catered for, make a small gift to your siblings.

You sound lovely. Just look into the future and think about how money invested now could help your DC, for example, study in another country or start a business...

[HermioneHatesHoovering]

Your gm wanted you to have this money, if she had wanted your stepsiblings to have some she would have left them some.

You owe it to your children to secure their future, not these other people.

[HermioneHatesHoovering]

You might want to ask yourself why you think your stepsiblings deserve this money more than your own children?

[JustinBsMum]

Inheritances bring out the worst in people ime and no matter what you give siblings it might be seen as miserly rather than generous.

Perhaps your DC might want to go to uni, that's 9,000 per year, plus 9,000 a year living allowance, x3 for a 3 year course, that's 54,000.

I would just tuck it away for the future.

[Tenacity]

OP You are looking a gift horse in the mouth.
I'm all for being generous whenever possible, but I think you need to be very careful how you approach this.
There does seem to be a few red herrings judging from your OP- for one, why do you feel you owe your siblings something? What has led to this?
Your GM has done a wonderful thing for you, and you might never get another chance again. Use the money wisely, and you will benefit in the long term. You never know, the ripple effect might mean that your future grand kids will get an inheritance too.
On the other hand,I suspect you might do more harm than good by rush into tellling/ involving your step siblings in this. Ironically, the very same people you are trying to help could become resentful towards you.
If you are on benefits, things are about to get tough soon, and you cannot afford to waste such an opportunity. Make your inheritance count for something. It you invest in the rights, the returns will be tenf