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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

selecting only certain children at wedding.

212 replies

frangipan · 01/04/2013 09:13

how badly is this received? It comes down to money at the end of the day so decided to cut costs by not inviting any children, except bride and grooms child, grooms brothers child and brides sisters child. Thing is there are lots of younger cousins on brides side but only 3 younger cousins on grooms side.

So this basically means one grooms aunt/uncle will not be able to bring their children on grooms side as all other cousins are adults or invited child.

Aunt with the small children was asked to do the cake, she said she would do it as a gift (normally would cost £250-£300, v lucky) to save money. But we hadn't mentioned the no children bit. Invites are about to go out. How bad is this going to get?
(Places hard hat on)

OP posts:
tiggytape · 02/04/2013 14:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 03/04/2013 07:11

Ceres - my comment was in reply to CelticPixie who seemed to be saying that children were at her wedding only because they had a job to do.

There have been more than a few threads on MN over the years where parents have said their DCs are invited to the ceremony (and photoshoot) but not to the reception. I have also come across this in RL.

Pancakeflipper · 03/04/2013 07:39

Selecting certain children is fine but I think not selecting the children of a relative who is contributing the cake is a little off and will need to be explained prior to the envelop containing the invite plops onto their doorstep.

But you might have a lovely Aunt who wants a birthday without her children, who won't do cat bum's mouth and pour arsenic in the top tier.

GoingtobeRuth · 03/04/2013 15:46

Hallo, if you can find a way, get the kids there, we tried to do this and the row is still going on. We ruined our relationship with several family members and some friends (we had bridesmaids but asked for no others)

treaclesoda · 03/04/2013 16:25

I'm obviously way out of step with most of mumsnet here but I don't see why this is considered so horribly rude. I've never come across anyone in real life who is offended by being invited to a wedding without their children. Even when I've gone to weddings where some children are there it wouldn't occur to me to be offended that my own children weren't invited.

As I understand from the OP, its not that she asked the aunt to do the cake FOC but that she offered to do it FOC. I don't see why she would assume that by doing so her children would then be invited.

I asked a friend of the family to decorate my wedding cake. She insisted on doing it FOC, as a gift, but she wasn't invited to the wedding, and offering to ice the cake didn't change that. I can't imagine she was expecting an invitation to materialise.

WorrySighWorrySigh · 03/04/2013 19:32

I think that invitations to friends are different from invitations to family. Children are members of people's families, they arent parcels which can be left at home.

The problem for the OP is that she accepted the gift, the aunt quite possibly knows she is invited. Unfortunately the OP missed the opportunity to discretely say to the aunt that it was going to be a selected children only wedding and that the aunt's children hadnt made the cut.

If the OP had taken the opportunity a few weeks ago she could have made a firm offer to pay for the cake. The aunt could have accepted or declined the offer in full knowledge.

When the invitation drops through the door possibly the aunt is going to be surprised that her children arent on the invitation. She may contact the OP thinking it a mistake. The OP will then have to admit that despite the aunt having already saved the OP a few hundred pounds the OP is looking to save just a little bit more.

DerbyNottsLeicsNightNanny · 03/04/2013 19:39

We went to a friends wedding 2yrs ago, our ds then aged 18months was not invited but other (family) children were. We didn't like it but at the end of the day it's the bride & grooms decision. I often wonder how the b&g would feel though if they get a wedding invite that excludes any children that they might have in years to come.....

OhTheConfusion · 03/04/2013 21:41

Gosh we did it the opposite way... any cousins under 18 were invited all day and cousins over 18 and therefore not needing a babysitter were asked at night. With the exception of one cousin who is my best friend, she was asked with her DH and DC's (as under 18).

Original poster
frangipan · 05/04/2013 17:11

ok I have a confession.............

OP posts:
Original poster
frangipan · 05/04/2013 17:11

I am cake Aunt.....

OP posts:
raisah · 05/04/2013 17:22

Oh dear.........!

GlaikitHasHerFizzBack · 05/04/2013 17:22

Eh? Really?

GlaikitHasHerFizzBack · 05/04/2013 17:26

In that case I would withdraw my offer of the cake, or charge them the equivalent of what a babysitting service would cost for yr 3 DC seeing as its their fault they need sitting.

Pancakeflipper · 05/04/2013 17:29

Be the bigger person and make the cake and don't lace with laxatives. If you can afford it.

Not sure if I would accept the invite. I might say "nah, here's your cake, I am off out with my family to celebrate". But that would be churlish.

Original poster
frangipan · 05/04/2013 17:38

Have decided to make the cake anyway, DH has told them we won't be going, they then said my parents could come to the evening do and bring the children over. DH laughed! basically the churlish reply pancakeflipper gave is about the size of it. In my defence I was trying to see it from the other side, I am quite hurt that my DC are the only ones not invited from this side of the family but I was struggling to work out if I was being stupid feeling like that, life is unfair and I can suck that one up. It's my Dads birthday the same day as mine so going to rock it with my family.

OP posts:
Longfufu · 05/04/2013 17:46

I think it's best to mention something in person really. Friends of ours are getting marriage a few days after I'm due to give birth. They called us to see if it was a bit ambitious for us to come, but we said that we'd love to come and "life goes on" too then receive an invite stating NO CHILDREN. I can't leave a newborn with someone else so I'm a little upset they didn't mention this before hand and I'm now having to decline. Just be honest and say it's purely a money thing.

I would say you probably need to invite the children of the person making the cake though.

Longfufu · 05/04/2013 17:50

Opp's just read the last few posts! frang I can understand why you're upset.

Pancakeflipper · 05/04/2013 17:55

Frang - You are saving them even more money now they can cross you and your DH off the list. You are so thoughtful...

Enjoy your day with your family celebrating birthdays. It's a Shane and all rather sad but shove it to one side now. Dont dwell on it and feel sad/bitter. They made a choice about their wedding and you have made a choice too.

Go and have fun with your family.

GlaikitHasHerFizzBack · 05/04/2013 18:01

You can come to my wedding if you bring cake :o

Inertia · 05/04/2013 18:05

Well, at least lots of people have said that the b&g are being unreasonable.

I'd find it very hard to resist the temptation to say that as your family aren't invited and you are unable to attend as a result, you have decided to go away to be with your family to celebrate birthdays instead so you are no longer able to make the cake.

GoLadyEdith · 05/04/2013 18:10

You will keep your dignity by making the cake yet not turning up. Perhaps you could offer a very fixed window for collecting the cake - don't make it any easier on them by offering to deliver it the day before. Wink

DiscoDonkey · 05/04/2013 18:11

Your a lovely person for making the cake anyway. They should have been upfront with you from the beginning or at least had the good grace to insist on paying you something for the cake.

DontSHOUTTTTTT · 05/04/2013 18:11

Ohh, I love a reverse AIBU and you did it especially well. The clever MN'ers not me nearly always spot reverse AIBU'S

I think the bride and groom SHOULD have mentioned that your kids were not invited much much earlier and they should NOT have accepted the offer for you to bake the cake without letting you know the kids were not invited, however, their reasons for not inviting the kids are perfectly reasonably.

It is a bit of a shitty situation really and I can't see how it can be remedied without upset.

To be honest, I am not sure what I would do if I were you. I think I may go but I would tell them that I think they were rude to accept the offer of the cake without letting you know about the kids. I may also do what you are doing and just have a fab time with your Dad and family. Perhaps your Dh could jut attend the ceremony so there is not too much drama.

I guess it would depend on how the couple behave the rest of the time.

Have fun doing the cake. It is very nice of you to do it.

DontSHOUTTTTTT · 05/04/2013 18:13

inertias suggestion is very plausible Hmm.

DiscoDonkey · 05/04/2013 18:16

I have no issue with the bride and groom not having everyone's children there BUT when someone is doing you such a massive favour you don't think to yourself "oh well rather than offending lots of people we'll just offend the one person saving us £300"

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