selecting only certain children at wedding.

[frangipan]

how badly is this received? It comes down to money at the end of the day so decided to cut costs by not inviting any children, except bride and grooms child, grooms brothers child and brides sisters child. Thing is there are lots of younger cousins on brides side but only 3 younger cousins on grooms side.

So this basically means one grooms aunt/uncle will not be able to bring their children on grooms side as all other cousins are adults or invited child.

Aunt with the small children was asked to do the cake, she said she would do it as a gift (normally would cost £250-£300, v lucky) to save money. But we hadn't mentioned the no children bit. Invites are about to go out. How bad is this going to get?
(Places hard hat on)

[SocialGrace]

It's really tricky. We agonised about this, and then invited family children, godchildren and anyone who had a problem getting child care, which left us with about 25 children. If we'd invited everyone's children we'd have had over 100 children, and we explained this in the invitation. As it was, only 1 of the 20 children attending was there due to lack of childcare, out of 150 guests invited.

I would try to sound out the Aunt individually; some people are very keen to leave their children at home.....

[harpsichordcarrier]

when my children were much smaller I was invited to sing at a wedding (for free, natch) then told that my children weren't invited. This was a MASSIVE PITA for me as I had to arrange all manner of complicated childcare and the whole thing cost me an enormous amount of time, money, and called--in-favours.
Which I did, mainly because it was hard to back out once I had said I would sing.
BUT I thought - still think - that the implication was that my children were to be kept out of sight / not really worth consideration / were going to ruin the day in some way.

When I got there, it was clear that only SOME children weren't invited but also and yes this grates many years down the line THE BRIDE'S DOGS WERE INVITED and walked down the aisle and had a basket and food at the top table.

So yeah, she saved a fair amount of money on her choir / entertainment - yeah we sang at the reception AND the service - but no, I have to say that the whole thing completely changed the nature of our friendship and it has never recovered. I wasn't so much offended as deeply hurt and I felt used.

[hels71]

I think it would be very very rude not to invite cake aunts children. You don't have to have the same rules for each side of the family though.

When DH and I got married we worked out how many people we could afford (And would fit in the reception venue) then halved it and that was how many guests we each could invite. Therefore my cousins were invited (2 of them) DH's cousins were not (51 of them....more than the total we had at the reception!) N0-one questioned this.

The only children we had were DH nieces and nephews but the only otehr children who could have been invited were my friends two and she wanted to leave them with her mum anyway so her and husband could have a weekend away. (They were older priamary aged at the time).

[Lottashakingoinon]

When I got there, it was clear that only SOME children weren't invited but also and yes this grates many years down the line THE BRIDE'S DOGS WERE INVITED and walked down the aisle and had a basket and food at the top table.


After I'd sutured my sides from laughing at this I felt I had to come back Harpischord and say this is the sort of friend who is surely not much of a loss (apart from the anecdotal potential!)

[Enigmosaurus]

Agree with mercibucket, an evening invitation is worse than no invite at all. Dp was very hurt to be excluded from dnephew's ceremony because they did not want our DC there so invited us all to the evening do. Even more so when he discovered that lots of other children were in the church. They used to be very close but it really damaged their relationship. Tread carefully, op.

[Trills]

An evening invitation is not "worse than no invitation at all".

[DoTheBestThingsInLifeHaveFleas]

I think you need to invite the Aunties children, but not extras. I have been invited to loads of weddings where the invites state that the wedding is an adult only affair apart from bridal party children, due to restrictions in numbers. I have a DD and have a wedding this year and completely understand why she is not invited. If it was my wedding I would only invite v close children. I wouldnt want to have to not invite a cherished friend for the sake of inviting a child that probably doesnt want to go and wont enjoy themself and will run riot whilst the parents are busy getting on the wine (bitter, me?!).

[Myinboxisfull]

Another one here who thinks that you really should invite you auntie's children. You went to her and asked her to make the cake and, if she's anything like me, she'll put her whole heart and soul into making the best cake she can to your specification. In doing so she's giving you a valuable and personal gift.

If you don't invite her children then I suspect she might feel justifiably used. It would have cost you more to buy a cake than to invite her children and what's she supposed to do with them whist she's at your wedding, hire a babysitter.

No, no, no. You need to invite these children. Venues will usually do a special, basic children's meal for a much reduced price. You never know, she might decide not to bring them as she would like a day out without her children but that should be her decision.

If you ask her if she minds her children being left out then it's very difficult for her to say yes even if she would be upset about it.

I think that if you leave these children out then overall you'll be paying a much higher price in the long term.

[mercibucket]

Yes, an evening invite for the kids only is worse, at a family wedding, on the aunt's birthday. Who is going to look after the kids and how do they get to the evening do? It is obviously a 'we don't want them but can't say no' invite.

[WorrySighWorrySigh]

Think forward frangipan - in five year's time will anyone remember the flowers, the quality of the wine or food, the wedding dress (sorry), the bridesmaid's dresses (sorry again)? The answer is no.

Will the people who had their children excluded simply because they were children not adults remember? Possibly, yes.

Will your aunt remember that you were happy to have a cake for free but her children were only allowed to the obviously cheaper evening do? Almost certainly, yes.

[ToothGah]

I still bear a grudge remember my mum and SD going off to a family wedding without me and my DB when we were 14 and 12 because it was a no kids affair.

I'm in my 30s. People will remember.

[harpsichordcarrier]

On the upside - I had 25 children at my wedding of various ages and yeah, many of them still remember it, still talk about.
It's a lovely memory for many of them.
This was 1997

[sayithowitis]

Obviously we don't know what kind of cake you are having, but, assuming you are going for a 3 tier cake, iced and decorated, colour matched to your requirements etc. I would estimate that she is going to spend around 20 hours, maybe slightly less, but possibly a lot more depending on decoration, plus materials. You yourself have said that you would otherwise expect to pay between £200 and £300 for this. You asked her to make the cake. you now know that it is her birthday on the day of your wedding. And the best you can do is a grudging evening invitation for her children? Honestly? I really hope this was an April Fool's Day joke that got out of hand, because if not you are sounding greedy and very selfish.

If you really can't find it in your heart to invite her children to the whole shebang, then the only decent thing to do is to insist on paying full going rate for the cake. but of course, that will still leave you 'out of pocket', assuming she is even willing to still do it under those circumstances.

If you had been honest with her at the outset, maybe, just maybe, she would have been ok with it. But to tell her now makes it seem as though you have used her to get a freebie. That really doesn't cast you in a good light at all.

[CandlestickOlder]

YABU

You can't afford to buy a cake or have children at the wedding but you can afford 60 quid per head?

YABU

Have a BBQ or dinner at the pub if that's what you can afford.

[CandyCrushed]

I think it is ok . You are being consistant. However, I would make sure that cake making Aunt is given lots of lots of thanks for making the cake. Perhaps you coud give her an extra nice family oriented present. ( maybe you could arrange a kid friendly day out). You could explain that you would love to invite the kids but can't as there are too many. It is perfectly reasonably.

YANBU

Have a great day

[glossyflower]

Just to add , for my wedding, I bought 3 cakes from M&S, pre iced with ribbon, I bought the tiers and my mum made up the tiers and decorated with fresh roses that I also had as part of my bouquet. It took 20 minutes if that to prepare. The cake was your usual sponge and fruit cake and no one knew the difference it was shop bought.. (The flowers we bought two days before from the wholesaler and made our own button holes and bouquets tying them simply with ribbon).
The whole cake thing cost me less than £80.
Why people would pay £300 plus for a wedding cake that most guests don't care about is beyond me!

[Inertia]

Evening invite for the children ? So what is Aunt supposed to do with her children during the day when the potential babysitters are all at the wedding? Or are you expecting her to make an extra cake for the children to hide in until the evening ?

I hope Sayit is right and this was an April Fool post.

[specialknickers]

Can't you just put a note in with the invite saying that although kids are welcome, it's not a child friendly wedding sadly, and see just who brings theirs?

Thats what we did, some people brought their children, most decided just to have a kid free weekend. Worked out perfectly for us and no hard feelings between the guests either.

[CelticPixie]

I'd invite the children of Aunt simply because she's doing you a huge favour by making your cake. But don't feel bullied into inviting anymore. People are so stupidly precious regarding children and weddings. I have two cousins who fell out because one got married and didn't invite the others kids to their wedding, they ended up not going because they couldn't find childcare. But then looked at Facebook and saw that other children had attended and went apeshit, but these children were the bridesmaids and pageboys and that's why they were there!

[WorrySighWorrySigh]

I find it strange to only invite children if they have a role eg bridesmaids, flower girls & pageboys. To me that would seem like treating children as little better than stage props. Not there for themselves but because they would look nice in the photos.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

TBF worry, children who have a role are usually close relatives and/or godchildren so they are there "for themselves" too.

[TheRealFellatio]

The bride and groom have a child?

Tsk. How very modern.

[ceres]

"I find it strange to only invite children if they have a role eg bridesmaids, flower girls & pageboys. To me that would seem like treating children as little better than stage props. Not there for themselves but because they would look nice in the photos."

what a strange notion. we had a child free wedding which is absolutely the norm among my family and friends. however our nieces and nephews were invited - again the norm - and were flowergirls and pageboys because they are our nieces and nephews, not because they would look nice in the photos.

i don't tend to accessorise with children.

[DontmindifIdo]

specialknickers - that would be hard to plan for, you'd need to have firm numbers for catering, usually at least a week before - as the OP said it's £60 a head and would be an extra £800 if all the additional DCs come, that's 13 children - paying for 13 people you might or might not need to feed wuold be rather gaulling if they decided to keep the DCs at home with babysitters, plus it'll play havock with her seating plan...

I think no children expect those with a role is fine, and the numbers who would be invited (b&g's dc, 2 DNs and 2 for cake aunt) would be a reasonable number of those in the wedding party.

It also gives a clear answer to the "why are their children allowed but not mine?" because often the answer is "we're not all that close to you, so if you can't get childcare and can't make it, it's not the end of the world, whereas if X can't make it we'd be gutted" or "those children can be trusted to behave, yours are 'challenging' and I don't want to have to shout my vows to be heard over your child shouting that they are bored" - both of which tends to offend more than "because they are a bridesmaid/pageboy"