selecting only certain children at wedding.

[frangipan]

how badly is this received? It comes down to money at the end of the day so decided to cut costs by not inviting any children, except bride and grooms child, grooms brothers child and brides sisters child. Thing is there are lots of younger cousins on brides side but only 3 younger cousins on grooms side.

So this basically means one grooms aunt/uncle will not be able to bring their children on grooms side as all other cousins are adults or invited child.

Aunt with the small children was asked to do the cake, she said she would do it as a gift (normally would cost £250-£300, v lucky) to save money. But we hadn't mentioned the no children bit. Invites are about to go out. How bad is this going to get?
(Places hard hat on)

[reluctantmover]

Our wedding cost us less than £1000 and we had about 50 people. Why spend £60 a head???????!!!!! and ban children to keep costs down, when instead you could spend say £40 a head and invite everyone? Why do people feel the need to spend so much money? You can have a lovely day on less money.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

£60 per head at a hotel wedding is not a mega expensive hotel.

OP, do the family on your side know the relationships on the groom's side well enough to even know who these children are? I don't think it's a given that your side would feel slighted if they came.

[TheDoctrineOfSnatch]

...on my side, I had a cousin "limit" (nothing beyond second cousins) but I have no idea how distant the relatives DH selected were.

[mummytime]

Okay as an Aunt I would be insulted if my kids were excluded, and it would be tricky as they are 16 (adult), 14, and 9. Friends kids not invited I can understand, but not inviting cousins just because they are young is naff, as you are inviting the adult ones.

I invited lots of kids to my wedding, but I also shopped around for venues so we could afford to invite everyone I wanted/needed to.

[celebmum]

invite all the children. just dont order sit down meals for them at 'silly price' per head... make up packed lunch boxes (sarnies, fruit, cupcake etc) and have a sectioned off table with colouring books and puzzles.. kids will feel included and love this, adults get a kid free meal.. no falling out and a fraction of the price..

[DontmindifIdo]

reluctantmover - in large parts of the country, you really can't get a hotel that will do it for less than £60 per head unless you are paying large venue hire costs (which usually balances out the savings) - and while you can go elsewhere, then you'll get people on here whinging that "and the Bride and Groom want us to drive 3 hours away when neither of them have any connection to that area!" followed by cries of "bridezilla! why not just use the local hotel so people can go home afterwards if they want?"

[Stokes]

I think childfree apart from the bride & groom's children, nieces and nephews is absolutely fine.

I also think inviting cake aunt's children as an exception is absolutely fine as a) otherwise they would be the only three on that side of the family not invited and b) their mother is doing you a huge favour.

Different rules for different sides of the family are fine imo - my family is tiny and my husband's huge; after a decade together I still haven't met some of his aunts and uncles, have met some only once and can't keep straight in my head who's married to who etc. And he's even worse these days! At our (small) wedding, we invited all of my aunts and uncles because that's 5 people, and just the ones he's close to as there would have been dozens of them otherwise. Everyone was fine with that and no one batted an eyelid.

If you can afford cake aunt's kids and don't mind an extra three being there on the day, invite them as well as the nieces and nephews and just spread the word around your side that that's what's happening and why (I'd stress point a) above rather than b) tbh) and I'm sure it will all be fine.

[weegiemum]

We went to my brothers (2nd) wedding 15 months ago.

Children invited: his 2xds, my 3xdc, my db ds and my dis dd.

My dsis didn't come (other issues) but all other dcs did. He stopped it at "immediate family" as otherwise there would have been 9 extra dc.

[NellysKnickers]

Fab idea celebmum.
OP you risk falling out with family, if you can afford £60 a head surely you can invite the children too. Seems very mean to me.

[sayithowitis]

Sorry, but I think you are being rude and unreasonable to exclude the children of this aunt.

1. You are inviting children of other aunts/uncles on groom's side, but not these because of their age. Either you invite cousins or you don't. Age should not come into it.
   
2. You are happily going to accept a gift worth in the region of £200 - £300 from the person whose children you are specifically excluding AND you are citing cost as a factor. Even if you have to pay the full £60 for each of these children, you are still going to be better off than if you had to pay for the cake at full market price.
   

It is not just about the cost of the cake ingredients and other materials. I have made a wedding cake or two in my time and I can tell you that the hours of work that go into it plus cost of ingredients etc, means that generally, for someone doing it from home, they will not be making a fortune and often, are lucky to be breaking even. eg: to make a bouquet of flowers from sugarpaste, if charged at minimum wage rates for the hours it takes, not even including cost of materials, would cost over £120. Depending on the complexity and size of the cake, you would be very lucky to get anything for less than £300 in this area, and certainly not something that is completely tailored to your requirements such as I expect you are getting from the aunt.

To happily accept her very generous offer of the cake as a gift and then to exclude her children seems very mean to me. And frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if she either withdraws her kind offer to do it for free, or worse, at all.

[flumperoo]

Couldn't you just have a casual conversation with cake-making-aunt and say something along the lines of..."We're thinking of whether we can afford to invite all family children or not. Would it put you in a fix if we didnt invite children?"? Maybe she'll be horrified at the thought or would cause major babysitting problems, or maybe it would be fine. I'd definitely mention it though before sending invites.

[Budgiegirlbob]

I think it is perfectly ok for you to invite only siblings children, and you have to be consistent on both sides if the family. That would mean that you don't invite Cake Aunts children

However you absolutely cannot accept the wedding cake. I would call your aunt, explain the situation and say you would no longer need her to make the cake , or offer to pay full price for it. She may still say she will be happy to gift it to you, but at least she knows the situation.

For what it's worth, I made a wedding cake for my best friend's wedding, and my children were not invited. I wasn't at all insulted, but I guess the difference is that I offered to make the cake as a gift, I wasn't asked. It's a big present to ask for! I don't suppose many people give a £300 wedding gift!

[Stokes]

Ok seriously, £60 per head for a wedding is nothing remarkable, especially if there's a lot included in that (wine, canapes, evening food etc). But even if there isn't, it's none of our business. Your wedding tends to be the only time you will spend that sort of money entertaining so many of your friends and family and I fail to see what's wrong in going for the top end of your budget to ensure a nice venue, decent food etc. Maybe it's because I'm irish and our weddings tend to be Big Deals that I think this, I dunno. I just think it's fine to want things to be as nice as possible for that day, and that the OP has a long way to go before she's entering unreasonable, bridezilla territory.

Also, there is No Way the hotel would allow you to make up lunch boxes for the children rather than pay for a meal. Not a chance in hell. Especially if it would involve bringing in outside food, which is a health and safety issue as well as a financial one.

[RedPencils]

You can't accept the cake and not invite the kids. That's just plain wrong.

[reluctantmover]

well if you can't afford a hotel wedding inviting children and paying £60 a head, you have the wedding somewhere you actually can afford surely? It's the day and atmosphere that mattes, not the fact a wedding is in a hotel surely? Maybe I just have a different view of what a wedding is about, you know a celebration of a union of 2 people and their families (which includes children if there are some) and their friends. People should live within their means, without this rubbish about who they can and cannot afford to invite.

[Fluffycloudland77]

Our wedding was £95 a head, children cost £15 per head for either a half portion of the adult meal or a children's menu.

Haggle with the venue, they won't want to lose money by not having kids there who will guzzle coca cola from a cash bar at 3000% mark up

[Voodika]

Exactly as celebmum said.
Or perhaps look at the cost of a children's entertainer or a couple of nannies.

[ENormaSnob]

I honestly don't give a shit whether people invite kids or not. Tbh, I sometimes see it as an easy get out clause if I don't want to attend.

But, it would be really really rude to accept a 300quid cake and not invite aunts kids.

[fishybits]

We've experienced this recently. DD wasn't invited but other friends children were because the groom was Godfather to one of the siblings. We wouldn't have taken DD anyway but being told in the invite to take DD to a GP 500 miles away for overnight babysitting was a bit much and I'm afraid it's soured the friendship.

[TomArchersSausage]

I'm all for freedom of choice and a child free wedding wouldn't irk me, but it's got to be all or nothing esp where family are concerned or it'll cause upset for sure.

In this situation I'd be reassessing the cost of the whole thing and scaling it back to be able to afford more guests (ie the children too).

[kiwimumof2boys]

I remember when I was 6 my mum's cousin's daughter who had been flower girl when my parents got married, announced her own engagement . . . except we (me and my sis) and some other kids weren't invited, but other cousins were. My parents went to the wedding, and my mum was mightly pi$$ed off that other kids were there when her own had to stay at home. She had also been secretly hoping I would be her flower girl (as bride had been my parents), but the bride used grooms young cousins instead. Mum was like 'K (bride cousin) was a cow ! oh dear. Sometimes I think it can be an 'all or nothing' rule with kids . . . or maybe all cousins aged over 12/14?
I really feel for you OP, nothing like a wedding to really ruffle feathers ! unfortuntaley I think with your aunt doing cake you have to bite the bullet and invite her kids. Sorry.

[TartinaTiara]

OP, I'm guessing you're the bride here - what sort of relationship do you have with your parents? If you're going to get grief from not inviting children on your side of the family, wouldn't it just be easier to invite cake cousins and explain to your mum/dad why, so that when non-cake bride cousins parents start kicking off, your mum/dad can put them back in their box?

But yes, generally entirely up to you who you invite or not, very rude to ask cake aunt to make cake and then single their children out as only cousins not invited from that side of the family - I think it'd be different if there were an army of non-invited cousins on that side.

[Whocansay]

So, your Aunt is going to a lot of effort and is going to save you £300?

In return, not only are you incredibly rude and ungrateful by not inviting her children, you're going to cost her money as she's going to have to fork out for childcare (assuming any free childcare will be attending the wedding).

If I was your Aunt, I would take this as a massive slap in the face (which it is)and would tell you where to go.

And not sure where £800 comes from - if she has 3 kids and its £60 per head, surely this would cost you £180, which is LESS than the cost of a cake.

YAU

[Stokes]

Whocansay, the £800 was the cost of inviting all of the underage cousins on both sides. The bride has far more child-aged cousins than the groom.

[Lottashakingoinon]

I think the £800 is the cost of inviting ALL the other children Whocansay

However I fervently agree with you re the cake making Aunt, as does everyone else here, it seems. Frang are you taking this on board or are you just going to make full use of the hard hat??