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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

selecting only certain children at wedding.

212 replies

frangipan · 01/04/2013 09:13

how badly is this received? It comes down to money at the end of the day so decided to cut costs by not inviting any children, except bride and grooms child, grooms brothers child and brides sisters child. Thing is there are lots of younger cousins on brides side but only 3 younger cousins on grooms side.

So this basically means one grooms aunt/uncle will not be able to bring their children on grooms side as all other cousins are adults or invited child.

Aunt with the small children was asked to do the cake, she said she would do it as a gift (normally would cost £250-£300, v lucky) to save money. But we hadn't mentioned the no children bit. Invites are about to go out. How bad is this going to get?
(Places hard hat on)

OP posts:
Inertia · 01/04/2013 15:44

You have to invite cakemaking Auntie's children- adult cousins on the same side of the family are invited, and she's making the cake for you!

If the groom's family including cousins is smaller than bride's family, then just go on the basis of splitting the invites equally between the families.

hophophippidtyhop · 01/04/2013 16:38

You cannot be selective about the children, either be firm about where you draw the line ( nieces and nephews only, regardless of age), or no children at all except your own of course. I speak as someone invited to her cousins wedding and told no children, who turned up to find about 15 children from the groom's side and all her other cousin's children there. Only mine and my sisters children were excluded( 3 I'm total). I expressed my unhappiness at the situation (politely)and now they don't talk to me. Don't let this happen to your family.

Original poster
frangipan · 01/04/2013 16:58

The aunt that is doing the cake invited us over about 6 weeks to discuss exactly what we wanted and to make sure she got it right, maybe i should have mentioned it but i didn't really think it would be a huge problem. The three young children invited are in the wedding party all other cousins /guests are over 18. Apparently it is au ts birthday same day. Will invite kids to evening do.

OP posts:
Toasttoppers · 01/04/2013 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadonnaKebab · 01/04/2013 17:13

I don't think you have to have consistent rules for both bride & groom if their families are very different
So if Groom comes from a large family then his parents, siblings, spouses Neices & nephews a might come to 20-30 people, but for the bride who's the only child of a single mum that level of relatedness would give her a grand total of 1
Maybe she wants to invite her only auntie, a couple of cousins who are almost sisters to her & their kids who she considers Neices & nephews
This might give her a grand total of maybe 7 rellies
must they then invite everyone at the same level of relatedness to the groom, maybe 50 more people , even though he rarely sees some of them?
About the same number for each family seems fairer to me

Hissy · 01/04/2013 17:20

It's the aunt's birthday? Well call and ask her if she even wants to come to the wedding! She may want to do something else but feels obligated!

Invite her AND her DC, if that is what she wants to do. Ask her what would suit her.

If the other 'dc' are over 18, then it's not an issue, they won't need to be there, and there won't be childcare issues. Invite the parents only.

dragonflymama · 01/04/2013 17:25

I don't think you should feel obliged to invite anyone to your wedding, whether child or adult. I also didn't want my wedding full of children (restricted numbers easily swallowed up by family / friends' 2-3 children + expensive + wanted a grown up mood / party), even though I love kids. I do however think it helps if you are reasonable in terms of who makes the list and who doesn't (young babies who can't be left, people coming far who can't leave children for long etc). If your cut off rule is a bit ad-hoc, give the children invited a role (flower girl, reading, carry gifts to alter, hand out order of service etc). I find it strange when people take the huff about restricted invites / numbers. We have children now and love an excuse to leave them with granparents! I didn't completely get the family tree, but would separate out the cake making aunt and her children. Good luck!

AmberLeaf · 01/04/2013 17:30

Omg its her birthday and you aren't going to invite her children? She's basically giving up her day so you get your wedding cake, not to mention days involved in making it.

YABVU.

jamdonut · 01/04/2013 17:32

I don't understand how you can invite family...but not their children? I can understand not having friends and aquaintances children,but the children of siblings and Aunts and Uncles ought to be invited.

Besides, if the rest of your family is at the wedding, then presumably all the people who would otherwise babysit for them will be unavailable.

It seems a bit unfair ,especially if she is making your wedding cake. The least you could do ,as a thank you, is invite all of that family!

When I think of the weddings I went to as a young child...it would be unthinkable to not invite a complete family unit. But then, people didn't seem to feel the need to have weddings that were huge budgets. I went to plenty that were held in a hall,with a buffet.

My own registry office wedding was immediate family only ...so both sides parents ,my step-parents, our grandparents, siblings and their children, plus my godparents (Aunt and uncle) and their child (my cousin). We had a "reception" in our (tiny) flat!!! Quite shocked at the thought of £60 per head!!

jamdonut · 01/04/2013 17:36

When I said "you" I meant people in general...not having a go at you personally!

dayshiftdoris · 01/04/2013 17:40

I take it you don't have children OP

What the hell is Aunt supposed to do with Children until the point that you will allow them to the wedding? Put them in a cake box?

For what it's worth - I have been invited to a wedding with my son but I probably won't take him (his idea of hell and he doesn't know anyone, will need a chill out zone - has ASD) and if I can't get a babysitter then I won't be able to go.

You assume everyone will drop everything in there life and come to your wedding... you will have people who can't make it and imagine if you say no to her when you do have space / money?

Plus - are the brides family really going to go, give the strength of feeling here 'NO she does not deserve an invite for her kids given she has made your cake for FREE!' and if they do - uninvite the selfish gits... make space

Disclaimer - never been married and never will because this stuff is nonsense!

TartinaTiara · 01/04/2013 17:41

OK, was giving benefit of doubt, on the basis that you would have liked to have cake children there, but on the basis of your latest update, it seems that you're grudgingly going to invite them to the evening do, if you have to. When their mother has given hours of her time and money to make you a wedding cake to your precise specifications.

Rude.

Original poster
frangipan · 01/04/2013 17:46

Dc is in wedding party.

OP posts:
dayshiftdoris · 01/04/2013 18:11

You have children and you still don't get it?

Wow your sense of entitlement is amazing

whosiwhatsit · 01/04/2013 18:13

Your wedding is on your aunt's birthday which she would have to spend away from her children, yet your own child is in the wedding party? Plus you haven't even mentioned it yet when the wedding is weeks away. I'm sorry but this is getting worse and worse. I think you need to figure out a way to invite her children at least. Actually I think you need to invite all the children, but hers in particular. If you don't and she isn't absolutely livid, she'd a far better woman than most.

soverylucky · 01/04/2013 18:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lottashakingoinon · 01/04/2013 18:20

The aunt that is doing the cake invited us over about 6 weeks to discuss exactly what we wanted and to make sure she got it right, maybe i should have mentioned it but i didn't really think it would be a huge problem

No maybe about it: you absolutely should have mentioned it. How can you possibly think this is okay?? I know it's your wedding and your rules etc etc (hate that phrase) but you really seem to have forgotten that other people exist at all. It's not too late to put this right: you have been given lots of varying good advice on here...are you really going to ignore all of it?

If you don't and she isn't absolutely livid, she'd a far better woman than most.

^ This from whosi is the prefcet answer to the very first question of your OP.

glossyflower · 01/04/2013 18:34

Hmmm after experiencing guest problems at my wedding last year ( I could not invite all my aunts and uncles to ceremony as all their kids would amount to too many guests - they were however invited to the wedding breakfast and had the photos with everyone).
Personally I think you invite all the kids or none at all. It's very unfair to be selective.
Another option could be you hire a room/marquee or something similar and hire a mini crèche with games and someone to watch over the kids.

fuckwittery · 01/04/2013 18:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lottashakingoinon · 01/04/2013 18:47

And to add to fuckwittery's questionnaire

will you PLEASE talk to your aunt about it???

glossyflower · 01/04/2013 18:47

"I just can't afford to the extra expense it would cost to invite all the children from brides side. nearly £800!"

...

Sorry but you should have foresaw this from the initial wedding planning before you booked the venue.

After reading further posts you should invite aunts DC as she's doing you a huge favour but no other kids that aren't involved.

If it were me I'd rather invite adults and this kids I have a good relationship with rather than family I never see or keep in regular contact with. You can scale down on those adults and on other stuff too if you're sensible.

All the best xxx

WorrySighWorrySigh · 01/04/2013 19:21

Sorry, inviting young children just to the evening do is adding to the thoughtlessness. How can that possibly be appropriate? Who is going to look after them for the day? Who is going to bring them along to the evening do?

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 01/04/2013 19:25

Glossy, TBF, I think OP planned no children except those in the wedding and it's only the cake offer from aunt that has thrown this planning.

Tolly81 · 01/04/2013 19:27

So you've asked her to make a cake, costing 250-300 pounds, the wedding is on her birthday, you yourself have children and therefore know how difficult childcare can be, and you're asking if you're BU? Yes, YABVVU! If someone did this to me I would simply not turn up at the wedding on the day, and perhaps text and say sorry couldn't bring cake - no childcare! Have a good one!
I can only assume you are not bothered about being estranged from large sections of your family. As others have said, the kids thing is all or nothing. I don't mind going to weddings without kids (in fact like it) but would be very annoyed if I got there to find many other kids were invited. Also it's very unusual for venues to charge the same for children and adults.

mercibucket · 01/04/2013 19:28

Wow

An evening only invite is worse than no invite. It's so obviously issued begrudgingly. Who will be babysitting and how will they be getting to the evening reception? And on her birthday??

Is this a really convincing joke thread?