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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think I should have been told?

230 replies

blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 12:41

We were at a Christening a week ago, DP told me today that my son (12 years old) was bullying his son (10 years old) and that someone had seen my son pushing his into a wall and also blocking him from going to the toilet and glaring at him.

I questioned my son today and he told me that DP's son had told him he was going to kill him and that he'd followed him to question him and ask him why and that he'd been in a bad mood and ignored him after that.

DP said a few people had come up to him at the Christening and said they'd seen my son push his into a wall and that my son was stalking him.

I've severely punished my son and have taken his X box from him and will be selling it and have also banned him from auditioning for a play he wanted to take part in.

The problem is my son is still vehemently denying everything and DP says his son had told him that he'd never said to mine that he'd kill him and was crying at the Christening.

Am I being unreasonable to be really angry that nobody told me whilst this was occurring so I could have dealt with it myself there and then? Also that DP has only just told me about it today?

I despise bullying and my son has never done anything like this before and I feel so angry and ashamed that he was behaving this way and other people noticed but I didn't.

OP posts:
gorionine · 29/03/2013 16:47

Sorry not read all thread and might be badly x-posting but I feel I need to say that; The punishment is far to harsh for something you heard of a week later it occurred and has not been really proved either way. I think if your DP or anyone else for that matter wished for you to take action they should have told you on the day. Further more they both should have had a chance to explain themselves for situation to be dealt with fairly.
I think it is profoundly unfair on both you (you had no idea there was a situation to be dealt with and your DS (did not get achance to give hisversion at the time), especially as it seems it is not the first incident and he is not always the instigator.

I was wondering the same as DioneTheDiabolist Fri 29-Mar-13 13:03:15
"Are you sure that you are not allowing him to audition because of finances and instead of being honest about it are using this incident to get out of the play?"

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 16:48

I've been with him for two years and the relationship has been fine apart from the fact that I think he'd like for us to live together but I don't want that (I did tell him in the beginning that I never wanted to live with anyone again)

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pigletpower · 29/03/2013 16:51

Having read all of this thread I have some advice.Get your shit together now and break off all contact with this boyfriend.You don't live together so he doesn't need to see you again.Tell him that on reflection you feel that you cannot trust him anymore and that your son needs your whole attention.

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 16:52

No, I'm not using this incident to get out of financing the play, I chose to use the play at first as I was really angry and knew it was something that he loved so though it would be a good punishment to use but as I've stated earlier in the thread I'm not selling his XBox or banning him from being in the play.

Inertia He said he would tell me in future if anything happened.
However I won't be allowing them to be together again so nothing will happen with DPs son.

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Viviennemary · 29/03/2013 16:54

I don't really agree with those very severe punishments that you are planning for this incident. Only you know your son and can have an idea of whether he is likely or not to be telling lies. It sounds to me like a bit of six of one and half a dozen of the other. And in future the adults should keep a better eye on them.

stifnstav · 29/03/2013 16:57

Your DP sounds very manipulative.

So he tells you his DS hates your DS and you segregate them. Is he telling his DS that your Ds is being kept away from him?

He also tells you that people have said stuff but refuses to say what it is, then after coaxing he tells you but refuses to continue a conversation about it or says he can't rmember?

r?e is controlling all of the information in this relationship. I'd feel very insecure in those circumstances.

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 29/03/2013 16:59

All these cries of LTB seem a bit extraordinary. Please don't let what sounds like a pretty normal children's disagreement affect your relationship, unless of course, it's 'the final straw.'

gorionine · 29/03/2013 17:00

Sorry blueballoon79 I have not yet reached the bit where you mention that you are not banning him from the play or selling the x box. Will continue to read. Smile

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 17:03

No, I don't think he is telling his DS that they're being kept apart as his DS comes down here to visit him, not us.

I've told him that I don't think what his son said was a joke and that I'm not surprised that my son followed his.

I've also said I don't believe there was any pushing as nobody saw it.

I've told him that I think his son was crying because he was worried about getting in trouble for what he said to mine.

He's asked to come and see me this evening but I've said I need some time to myself.

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Mumsyblouse · 29/03/2013 17:11

I don't find this to be a 'normal child's disagreement'- if a child got in an argument with mine, then choked them (which is not in dispuse), then had to be kept apart for a year, and then threatened to kill him on next seeing him (not first time this has been uttered by him and your son couldn't have known this, so sounds very authentic) I would not find this a normal disagreement at all and I would remove my own child and let the other person sort out their clearly disturbed son.

HotCrossPun · 29/03/2013 17:13

I think the OP is taking a bit of a battering now. She has responded to most of the points people have raised and explained what she is going to do.

It's Friday, people! Let's have a Wine Grin

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 17:15

Mumsyblouse my son is definitely never going to be spending time with DPs son ever again.

I told DP it was a bad idea for them to be near each other and I said it wasn't fair on my DS to have to spend time with someone who "hates" him.

I was also upset on my sons behalf when DP told me his son hated him as my son has done nothing to warrant this hatred. My son had even given DPs son a very expensive collection of Pirates of the Caribbean figures as he knew DPs son liked them and he'd grown out of them, so for me to be told that DPs son says he hates him was horrible.

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Original poster
blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 17:17

HotCrossPun Thank you Smile

I really could do with a wine right now. I've got a stress headache and feel like the worst mother on this planet, but honestly, I always would listen to what an adult says and take it seriously. But now I think that it's been definitely exaggerated.

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mummytime · 29/03/2013 17:23

The natural reaction of parents is to stick up for their own children ! Why is this not your reaction? Do you hav self-esteem issues?

Your DP is acting normally in being braised towards believing his son's version which paints his own son in the best light. However his casualness and back pedalling may well be because he isn't totally sure that your son is guilty andhas totally innocent.

Your son really needs to know you are on his side and won't jump to believe others against him.

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 17:28

I did stick up for him. After the first conversation I asked my son what had happened and then rung DP back and said that his son had threatened to kill him. He said his son had never seen that and that lots of people had come up to him and said that they saw my DS stalking his son and pushing him against a wall.

Of course I'm going to think that's what happened as I couldn't see why DP would lie. It's only now I'm unravelling it all after having time to think and thanks to the advice of posters on here that I realise that the whole thing has been massively embellished with DPs son painted to be a little angel and all the blame placed on my son.

I've told DP I'm really angry and that I won't be seeing him tonight. I've apologised to my son but told him that he still should have come to me and told me not followed DPs son around.

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Original poster
blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 17:30

mummytime my DP has lied. He said my son pushed his, it turns out nobody saw or said this and his son never said that either. Apparently his sister saw them shoving each other and told him. I'm not sure I believe any of it now. They should have said something to me.

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LineRunner · 29/03/2013 17:34

I'm glad you are making things right with your son, OP. That's what matters in the here and now.

And I guess you need to have a really big think about your partner. Has he got the emotional maturity to be deserving of a relationship with you and your DCs? Doesn't really sound that promising.

But good on you for having this mammoth conversation about it all.

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 17:36

Believe me Linerunner I really am thinking long and hard about this.

My DP has lied to exaggerate the situation and he didn't inform me about what his son said to mine which I also find an issue with as I'd clearly said to him before I didn't want my son putting in any uncomfortable situations with his as it's not fair on him.

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mummytime · 29/03/2013 17:39

Sorry I missed a bit [bublush].

I am so relieved you are sticking up for your son!
I wonder if his sons issues are being minimised by them, which won't really help long term.

Happy Easter!

LineRunner · 29/03/2013 17:40

You must be feeling quite bruised, OP. Hope you are ok.

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 17:42

I think his sons issues are greatly minimised by the entire family.

DPs family are very "head in the sand" about a lot of issues.

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Original poster
blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 17:44

To be honest Linerunner, no I'm not!

I'm upset my DP has lied and I'm feeling rather heavy hearted in thinking that I can't really continue my relationship with him if he's going to make up lies about my son.

He's never done anything like this before which is why initially I totally believed him.

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HildaOgden · 29/03/2013 17:47

Yes,I have to say fair play to you....you've listened to all the opinions on here and taken them on board.I think you've been very reasonable on this thread,and I have to say I admire you for it.

Sometimes it's not easy to see the wood for the trees,when you're close to the situation (as you are),you can't see it from an outsiders viewpoint.I hope you're ok,I think you're right to have the evening to yourself.Have a hug with your boy,and try to relax a little this evening (I'd turn off my phone,if I were you,in case dp tries to ignite a conversation).

Tomorrows another day,hopefully a brighter one x

LineRunner · 29/03/2013 17:50

Has your DP really not done anything like this before?

I personally think there's something a bit odd about this christening. He wanted everybody there - you and his ExP and all the DCs regardless of whether that was a great idea or not.

Do you know why? Was he trying to slot you into his family, and his ExP and her DS were very unhappy about that, do you think? Just musing, really. None of my business, I know.

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 17:50

Hilda Thank you for understanding.

I suppose my initial over reaction was because I'd basically been told some outright lies and some exaggerations and felt ashamed of my sons behaviour and disappointed in him.

I wouldn't expect my partner to lie, but now I think sadly he has and I don't suppose I'll ever know why but it's not the sort of thing someone who cares about you would do. Sad

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