to think I should have been told?

[blueballoon79]

We were at a Christening a week ago, DP told me today that my son (12 years old) was bullying his son (10 years old) and that someone had seen my son pushing his into a wall and also blocking him from going to the toilet and glaring at him.

I questioned my son today and he told me that DP's son had told him he was going to kill him and that he'd followed him to question him and ask him why and that he'd been in a bad mood and ignored him after that.

DP said a few people had come up to him at the Christening and said they'd seen my son push his into a wall and that my son was stalking him.

I've severely punished my son and have taken his X box from him and will be selling it and have also banned him from auditioning for a play he wanted to take part in.

The problem is my son is still vehemently denying everything and DP says his son had told him that he'd never said to mine that he'd kill him and was crying at the Christening.

Am I being unreasonable to be really angry that nobody told me whilst this was occurring so I could have dealt with it myself there and then? Also that DP has only just told me about it today?

I despise bullying and my son has never done anything like this before and I feel so angry and ashamed that he was behaving this way and other people noticed but I didn't.

It sounds like DPs son needs some serious help, threatening to kill a newborn baby, physical violence against your son on a previous occasion and now this. I know you mentioned he was having counselling- how long has he been attending the sessions?

This seems to be a lot more complex than "boys will be boys" and like many others have said, bullying is a sustained campaign not something which occurs on one given day.

I would go as far as to say it sounds like DPs son who is the bully, he has previously been violent to your son and despite punishment (and telling your DP he hates your son) jumps right back in the next time he sees your DS by telling him he is going to kill him.

How your DP takes the word of his mentally disturbed son over our previously assaulted DS is beyond me!

Also I hadn't let DP's son and mine be together at all because DPs son told DP he hated my son and he'd previously choked my son over an argument they were having. I felt it would be better that they didn't spend time together but DP insisted we went to this christening. I thought it was a really bad idea.

Whenever DPs children come down to visit, DP spends all his time with them alone and I don't see him as I don't think the boys should be together, plus DP's son has had a lot of emotional issues recently and I thought he'd prefer the time alone with his Dad.

I spot some massive red flags here with you and your partner.

Shit stirrer and wanting to cause trouble between you and your son was the first thing that came to my mind too.

I don't normally jump on the LTB bandwagon, but I do worry about how this will hurt your son in the future because I really think there is some massive jealousy/ resentment issues and how they handled it sounds really insecure and fishy.

Sounds like pretty disturbed behaviour for a ten year-old, perhaps dp and his family have become over-protective of him?

I feel sorry for both boys, caught up in a world of adult relationships that they have no control over. Your dp's ds would almost naturally be jealous of your ds because, in his eyes, your ds 'has' his dad, even though you don't live together. His mother has formed a new relationship and I'm assuming then that there is not only a 'new' dad-figure to contend with but a new baby to take priority over him too. The 'death' drawings and threats are a symptom of his emotional turmoil which thankfully he is getting counselling for so hopefully he'll get through this. Maybe your dp could spend some quality time with just his ds to help him?

Your ds, by no actions of his own but purely because of his mother's relationship, has become a target for not only your dp's ds's bad-feeling, but those of the friends and family associated with your dp's previous relationship.

My advice would be that you and your ds don't attend any of these family functions again, you go retrieve the xbox, give it back to your ds with a big hug and 'an I love you', apologise for all the grief he's had and promise that he will never be forced to go to one of these events again.

Believe your son.He is the one telling the truth.

I certainly wouldn't take the word of dp's son...who has not only threatened to kill your son,but also to kill his own baby sibling.

Jesus,it's obvious who is the troublemaker (and that young lad obviously has problems of his own).Stick by your son...apologise...and hug him.

Your dp is no ally of your son.

I do think DPs son needs a lot of help but DP gets very defensive over him and says he's ok.

I have gently tried to point out that his behaviour isn't ok but DP gets very cross.

I'm unsure how long he's been having counselling, I know his mother started taking him in September but am unsure if he still attends.

DP often hides from me the things his son has said, but then tells me and refuses to discuss anything.

E.G. He told me about the pictures his son had drawn of his sister dead and I said to me that would be very worrying , but he just snapped at me when I said that.

He doesn't think his son has any problems at all and is very overprotective of him.

I absolutely agree with Samu2 and I think, OP, that you should spend some time considering your options here. Your partner is, in my opinion (and clearly others think the same) over-dramatising and definitely possibly embellishing events here. With what in mind I don't know - I'm not even sure I'd stick around to find out.

In fact, in light of your last post I'd run like fuck and not look back.

Your 'd'p needs ditching. Pronto.

DP's son has been having counselling as he's had a few issues as his mother has recently had a new baby and he's also said he'll kill the baby

... and your 'd'p says his son is wetting the bed because your son was 'bullying him' for one afternoon

Frankly, the whole family sound dysfunctional and I think you would be do to stay away from them all. It sounds to me as though you don't have a very good record of choosing partners and I think you should let some counselling to help you make better choices in the future - whether you intend to live with them or not. You can learn to make better choices and you don't need to rule out living with someone again - but you DO need to learn how to spot the bad eggs.

You don't need to speak to his brother - you need to see your 'd'p for what he is and believe your son - it's that simple.

I'm not a huge advocat for parents apologising to children - but in this case, you do need to apologise to your son, tell him you over-reacted because of what he went through, tell him how much bullying upsets you and if you were ever to find out he'd bullied as much as a fly there'd be big trouble and that if he can't deal with a situation calmly he's to come to you (but actually, it would appear he did deal with this situation just fine. He didn't smack the little shit ss although I'm sure it was tempting).

x-box back & do something nice together and tell the stirring dipshit to do one.

You want an answer as to why your DP would shift the blame on this to your son?Here it is;

It is easier for him to blame your disabled son for it,than to admit (even to himself) that his own flesh and blood is displaying psychotic traits.

Protect your son from all this.Seriously,he deserves far better...and you,as his Mother, have to put him before any man.

I'm not sure that I would describe your DP's behaviour towards his son as overprotective. I think I would class it as burying his head in the sand. He minimizes and ignores his son's disturbing behaviour. And has made your DS a scapegoat in order to keep up the pretense that his own little boy is OK, despite the truth being that he is a very troubled child and needs something special from his dad and the other adults around him.

It's really difficult to get at the exact truth in a situation like this. People don't always remember exactly what they said or did. The others at the christening saw your DS behaving in an unpleasantness way without knowing the back story or context. Whoever has given an inaccurate version of the afternoon might never back down from their original account as they would lose face.
Thimgs like this usually blow over - there are obviously lots of issues here regarding your DP's DS and his other relationships which should be kept completely separate from your DS.

I understand your initial feelings of horror at your son's behaviour, but he's only 12 and has been through a lot. His behaviour towards the other boy is not a reflection on the bullying he had from other children - it was a one off to an act of provocation on that day. It sounds like some of the other adults are making too much of this. Ignore their reactions - don't ask them for their side of the story etc as that will just prolong this incident.

I've already apologised to my son and said we're dropping it.

My partners son doesn't have a new father figure to contend with as his mother got pregnant to someone she was having an affair with and he's just abandoned her and the baby now.

I do think he's very jealous of his siblings though.

So, let's get this straight- your son who is disabled, gets bullied at school for a long time, very distressing, his mum then takes up with a man whose son chokes him and threatens to kill him (and has deep rooted problems).

Your son may well feel threatened and have decided attack is the best form of defense, I would not blame him in this hostile environment.

Can you not see that this is all of a pattern? Your son needs to be protected in this situation, and never let near this boy again. I also think you need to take a step back and ask- what is it your partner is offering in this situation?

It's very sad that the step-son is so disturbed and whilst feeling sorry for him, you can also remove yourself and your son from this situation. Your partner is loyal to his son first, even though he knows he is disturbed, so cannot work with you to help your son and do things in his best interests.

Even if you continue this relationship, and I am not sure what you get out of it, I think your son needs to be protected from this situation and have stability, and this means not interacting with these people.

Have you? You said before you had told him you were 'dropping it for now until you'd spoken to the brother' - that's not the same thing.

I do think he's very jealous of his siblings though

Understatement of the year - he's threatened to kill them.

DPs brother has just rung and told me that DP's son was crying so he asked him what was wrong and he was told that my son kept saying that DPs son hade made the comment but he hadn't.

DPs brother also said that DPs son told him my son had shoved him in the toilet. My son denies this.

He also said that my son had told him he was bored and would rather be playing on his Xbox than be at the christening and he thinks that's why my son started picking on DPs son.

I mentioned that my partner had told me that my son had pushed his against the wall and he said that he didn't know about that, but that my son was following DPs son around all day.

And I agree with float62, both children are suffering enormously from unstable adult relationships, it doesn't help to demonise a 10 year old who by all accounts is deeply disturbed and has yet another new family set up to cope with. Doesn't mean you have to remain embroiled though (and for goodness sake don't ask any of your DP's relatives about what happened, of course they will side with DP!)

Actually,the more I think about this,the angrier I feel on behalf of your son.

1.A year ago,the other boy grabbed your son around the neck and told him he hated him.

2.The other boy told your son 'I'm going to kill you'

3.The other boy has explicitly said he is going to kill his baby sibling,and has drawn pictures of the baby as a corpse.

You knew all these facts,and yet automatically come down heavy on him and believe the word of your boyfriend over him?????A boy who has never,ever had any form for this?

You really need to re-think this.

Can you not protect your son from these people?

I don't know what the hell to think now. But I think DPs brother would obviously be on his nephews side.

I DO believe DPs son made that comment. DP s brother said he's unsure but said DPS son was crying and when asked why he said it was because my son was saying he'd made that comment but that he hadn't said anything and that my son was following him round and had shoved him in the toilets.

There's been no mention of pushing against the wall though.

Plus, why didn't they tell me earlier?

And saying to your son 'we're dropping this' is not good enough.You need to make amends to him.

You really need to rethink the whole relationship by the sounds of it.

"But I think DPs brother would obviously be on his nephews side"

Of course he would! I dont think there is any point at all in discussing it with him either.

Why aren't you on your sons side in this?