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AIBU?

to think I should have been told?

230 replies

blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 12:41

We were at a Christening a week ago, DP told me today that my son (12 years old) was bullying his son (10 years old) and that someone had seen my son pushing his into a wall and also blocking him from going to the toilet and glaring at him.

I questioned my son today and he told me that DP's son had told him he was going to kill him and that he'd followed him to question him and ask him why and that he'd been in a bad mood and ignored him after that.

DP said a few people had come up to him at the Christening and said they'd seen my son push his into a wall and that my son was stalking him.

I've severely punished my son and have taken his X box from him and will be selling it and have also banned him from auditioning for a play he wanted to take part in.

The problem is my son is still vehemently denying everything and DP says his son had told him that he'd never said to mine that he'd kill him and was crying at the Christening.

Am I being unreasonable to be really angry that nobody told me whilst this was occurring so I could have dealt with it myself there and then? Also that DP has only just told me about it today?

I despise bullying and my son has never done anything like this before and I feel so angry and ashamed that he was behaving this way and other people noticed but I didn't.

OP posts:

Report

QuintEggSensuality · 29/03/2013 14:16

Whats the point?

Seems to me that the boyfriend, his children and his brother and other family are TROUBLE. Cut your losses and move on.

QuintEggSensuality · 29/03/2013 14:17

X post.

b4bunnies · 29/03/2013 14:19

hang on. i don't like the sound of this.
you have a son. someone you gave birth to, presumably someone you love.
and you put your 'dp' (and you can't hear the disdain in my voice when i say that term) a person you are not even married to, and his child, above your own?
throw out the 'dp' and his son.
keep your son.
put things right with him and spend the rest of your life making up for your temporary lapse of judgement.

Summerblaze · 29/03/2013 14:19

I think, given the fact that it was a christening of DP's family, they have probably noticed the bad blood between the boys and stuck themselves firmly on the side of DP's son.

Why would they make it up? Well they probably aren't making it up but are seeing DP's son through rose tinted glasses.

My nephew and DS are the same age and although PIL love both of them, if there is an argument over something, my DS always comes out of it looking worse. This is because they are closer to DN because MIL and SIL have a close relationship so she sees him more and looks after him when SIL and BIL are at work. I have come to accept that this is what happens even though it annoys me.

It is likely that your DS did say something to DP's son as that is what boys are like at that age but it probably goes both ways.

LittleBairn · 29/03/2013 14:21

And I find it hard to believe a child that would attack another would start wetting the bed over having the doorway blocked.

Mumsyblouse · 29/03/2013 14:24

Your son may well have shoved this boy, the question is why? No-one is saying he's blameless in this situation (although if usually honest and straightforward why the change?) but it is far from clear he was the initial aggressor.

Your partner may not be lying, he may be telling his truth, but there are two sides to the story.

I also find what you are saying about this step-son threatening his sister very disturbing, what are you getting out of being linked to a family in which threats/violent statements are the norm? They either sound seriously disturbed or seriously horrid, why would you want to be associated with them, and more importantly, dragging your son into this?

Also- why go to your partner's brother to ask the 'truth', he still won't know if your son was threatened, even if he saw the shove/following, will he? All it will do is inflame the whole family against your son.

This all sounds a very unhealthy environment for your son and for you.

blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 14:25

b4bunnies I can't throw them out as I don't live with DP. I don't live with DP's son either, he lives very far away with his mother and sister and doesn't visit often due to distance.

Of course I believed what an adult was saying at first as I couldn't see any reason why he and others would lie or exaggerate.

I have apologised to my son and told him I'm dropping it for now as I don't know what happened.

I do thoroughly believe that DP's son said he was going to kill him though as there's no way my son would have ANY reaction at all if nothing was said.

I have to admit I'm starting to wonder about these "people" too. DP said he couldn't remember who they were. Surely you'd remember?

OP posts:

blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 14:29

I want to ask DP's brother because I want to know if my son did push DP's son. My son is denying it. He says he only followed him to ask him why he'd made that comment to him.

DP's son has been having counselling as he's had a few issues as his mother has recently had a new baby and he's also said he'll kill the baby.

DP's daughter is lovely and it just seems to be his son who has a few issues and I wouldn't just end a relationship because his son has problems. All of us can have problems with our children or family at any time and I wouldn't just end a relationship over it.

Lying, and trying to get my son in trouble however, I would.

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LittleBairn · 29/03/2013 14:34

Will you get the truth out of the brother? It almost sounds like the family have been creating this story all week from little snippets of what they have witnessed without fully understand what was going on. The are keen to portray the other boy as a victim because he's part of their family so is favoured.

If you stay in a relationship with this man I would avoid his family being around your son, they seem to think the worst of them.

blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 14:34

I also want to speak to DP's brother because DP told me my son had said the christening was boring to him and that he was very rude.

My son said he didn't say this and that all he said was that he was glad that the actual christening ceremony didn't go on too long as he finds it boring and only liked the party afterwrds ( we've been to a few christenings that have really dragged on and he was thinking this one would be the same) .

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LittleBairn · 29/03/2013 14:35

Posted to soon: I find it odd that your DP insists that his DS didn't say he would kill your DS, hence explanng your DS behaviour, when he has form to say such things.

badtime · 29/03/2013 14:36

It seems your partner did lie, about having asked his son about the comment he made to yours.

I'm sure when you ask him about it, it will turn out you 'misunderstood'.

LittleBairn · 29/03/2013 14:37

See they both could be telling the truth His brother heard 'its boring' when in fact your son said the ceremony was but he enjoyed the party a perfectly resnoble response.
They seem determined to think bad of your DS. Could it be the family is jealous of your DS, they would rather have their own nephew/grandson but instead have your DS as a constant reminder of what they are missing?

blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 14:40

I don't think the family could be jealous of my DS at all. We have an odd relationship my DP and I, we don't live together and generally don't do many family occasions together as both my children are disabled and I want to devote my time to looking after them and I'm never going to live with a man again after the shoddy way I've been treated in the past.

I'm happier living alone with my children and we very much have a separate life from DP.

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LadyBeaEGGleEyes · 29/03/2013 14:41

Why are you wanting to punish your son for something that might not even have happened?
And why are you taking the word of your 'D'P and his son over yours?

DioneTheDiabolist · 29/03/2013 14:43

What are your DP's view of his relationship with his son? If they are usually ok, is it possible that they think that he is not pulling his weight regarding this boy and have talked up the incident in the hope if getting him to be more invested and involved in this boy's life?

I think your reaction in punishing your DS was displaced anger at his bullies. I think your DP's family may be using the incident to highlight shortcomings in his parenting. I think that your poor son may have become the target of a lot if anger and illfeeling that is not his fault.

DioneTheDiabolist · 29/03/2013 14:45

Oops, that should read:
What are your DP's family's views of his relationship with his son.

blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 14:46

badtime I'm starting to think that he did lie.

My son doesn't know that his son has made threats to kill his own sister and the newborn baby before, so how would my son just lie and make up a comment that his son said and has previous form for saying when he doesn't know anything about it?

It's starting to feel to me that his son has been saying horrible things again and everyone's just ganging up on my son.

Why wouldn't they just tell me? If it's serious enough for them to call it bullying then surely it's serious enough for them to come to me and tell me what's going on.

Plus why didn't I see any of this? I was there the whole time and all I saw was my son being moody, which he now tells me is because of the comment made to him.

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OhDearieDearieMe · 29/03/2013 14:47

How long have you been with this current boyfriend?

blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 14:48

Dione Yes, I think it was displaced anger at my sons bullies. The reason I was so angry was because my son had been through hell when he was getting bullied and so I was really angry that he would do the same thing.

DP's family are fine with how DP is with his son.

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blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 14:48

I've been with him for two years

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lljkk · 29/03/2013 14:50

it sounds like fairly normal sibling rivalry to me (shrug). not productive to find any scapegoats, either of them could walk away & not rise to baiting by others.

I think no one told you because it would be normal to let low level rivalry go, let the boys sort it out for themselves.

I get the impression OP takes the word "bullying" much more seriously than the other adults. They don't mean what OP thinks of as bullying.

blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 14:53

Yes I do take bullying very seriously.

It can't be normal sibling rivalry though as my son has only met DP's son a handful of times at most due to the distance DP's children are from us.

If their opinion was to just let the boys sort it out for themselves then why have they all been discussing my son bullying DP's son all last week?

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squeakytoy · 29/03/2013 14:53

I think the "other people" may well be imaginary... or have a very one sided and distorted view of events.

If you were there, why did they not mention it to you, I agree with you. Or mention it to you AND your boyfriend at the same time.

squeakytoy · 29/03/2013 14:54

I also doubt they have been discussing your sons bullying "all week".

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