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AIBU?

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Original poster

to think I should have been told?

230 replies

blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 12:41

We were at a Christening a week ago, DP told me today that my son (12 years old) was bullying his son (10 years old) and that someone had seen my son pushing his into a wall and also blocking him from going to the toilet and glaring at him.

I questioned my son today and he told me that DP's son had told him he was going to kill him and that he'd followed him to question him and ask him why and that he'd been in a bad mood and ignored him after that.

DP said a few people had come up to him at the Christening and said they'd seen my son push his into a wall and that my son was stalking him.

I've severely punished my son and have taken his X box from him and will be selling it and have also banned him from auditioning for a play he wanted to take part in.

The problem is my son is still vehemently denying everything and DP says his son had told him that he'd never said to mine that he'd kill him and was crying at the Christening.

Am I being unreasonable to be really angry that nobody told me whilst this was occurring so I could have dealt with it myself there and then? Also that DP has only just told me about it today?

I despise bullying and my son has never done anything like this before and I feel so angry and ashamed that he was behaving this way and other people noticed but I didn't.

OP posts:
Tethering · 29/03/2013 15:31

blueballoon please drop this now. Your dp's brother didn't see any of the incidents. He 'believed' his nephew. You should believe your son.
Your dp's son has so many issues and problems that it is niaive in the extreme to think his bed wetting stems from having an altercation with your ds (and for what it's worth, I believe your ds.)
Your dp's son is manipulative and jeaous. This isn't his fault. He's a child. However, you do need to protect your ds from him and from your partner.
And, tbh I think you need to protect yourself from your dp because he has created this entire situation.
I'm also guessing he used the word 'bullying' because he knows it's something you feel strongly about. If he felt there was a situation between his ds and your ds, he could have dealt with it at the time. He didn't. He brought the story back to you when it was impossible for you to determine what had happened and he used a word that he knew would motivate you to respond in a certain way.
I never say this, but I think you have to consider leaving your dp. Neither yourself or your ds need your dp's dramatics and emotional abuse.

LineRunner · 29/03/2013 15:32

Your DP and his family sound pretty unhealthy.

Why do some adults twist things, embellish, and generally have agendas? Because they are emotionally stunted people who like to have scapegoats to blame and to generally disapprove of others outside their magic circle.

Autumn12 · 29/03/2013 15:33

So it seems that nobody really witnessed anything but are just going on what your DP's son told them.your DP's son is clearly a troubled little boy and is probably enjoying the attention he is getting over this. Even if your son did push him its hardly a massive deal surely? Tell him off for it and move on. Going on and on about it won't really help.

Besides I doubt he did push him. You know your son and presumably he isn't usually a liar so why would he lie now? He's just a little boy with disabilities who has been bullied a lot and on top has to put up with crap from your DPs son. No wonder he got moody at the christening.

I think you should put this non incident to bed now.

Summerblaze · 29/03/2013 15:38

So brother didn't see it at all. Saw DP's son crying and when asked what was wrong, DP's son blamed it on your DS.

Could be that he was upset about something else and when asked thought it would be a great idea to blame your DS to get him into trouble. Even without him being disturbed, kids do this. My DD has been upset before and when asked she drags up something from ages ago that couldn't possibly be troubling her or blames her brother even though I know he hasn't done anything.

I am definitely thinking that your DS is telling the truth and that DP's family is trying to cover up the problems of your DP's son.

LineRunner · 29/03/2013 15:40

I can I just point out that christenings are boring especially if it's not your own immediate family and if you ask a child if they are having a fabulous time then prepare for an honest answer.

SquinkieBunnies · 29/03/2013 15:48

blueballoon you son is your first priority, your Dp's family sound very messed up and you should be keeping your son away from them all, if you are taking the X-BOX as punishment don't sell it, just give it back after a week.
Do not believe your DP his brother and son over your own child, they have their own problems and the son has form for this kind of thing. Waiting this long after the incident sounds like DP had ulterior motives for getting your child in trouble with you now, it should have been sorted on the day.
Time to reevaluate if this is the relationship you want your child to see you in for his formative years, it will put a wedge between you and your child as you side with everyone but him.

QuintEggSensuality · 29/03/2013 16:02

It is easier for your boyfriend to blame YOUR son for his own sons problems. It means he is himself blame free. He does not have to consider the effects his relationship breakdown with his childs mother has afffected his dc, he does not have to worry about how his dc daily life is, the problem is not the dc mother and himself and how they handle the situation: They have found the perfect scape goat in your son. Of course he (spineless twit) would rather blame your son than look at his own part in his dc problems! There is his motivation to lie and blame your son.

How are you going to protect your son from this toxic environment?

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 16:05

I haven't demonised the 10 year old at all!

I encourage DP to spend time with him alone and am very symapthetic to any problems he has.

I was the one who was keeping the two boys separate because of the past issues.

I don't think my DS has to suffer a dysfunctional relationship either. I keep my relationship with DP separate because I want to bring my children up alone without disruption.

OP posts:
Original poster
blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 16:12

DPs relationship with his sons mother broke down when his son was only 10 months old so I can't see that it would have had a great effect on his son.

I was keeping DS and DPs son apart and had done for over a year after the first incident but DP insisted we all go to the christening and said that any problems between his DS and mine would be long forgotten now.

I've not done anything as punishment yet, the op was just what I was feeling I would do as punsishment as when I was first told I was really angry.

WHen I said to my son we'll drop this, I meant the questioning. I was questioning him over what happened.

Now I've spoken to DPs brother and to my son again I can see that (imo) the situation has been twisted and obviously none of them are blaming DP's son as he is family.

OP posts:
DontmindifIdo · 29/03/2013 16:12

Can I point something out? A lot of absent fathers when they do have access are over keen to be the 'good' parent, so don't do discipline. If he lived with his DS all the time, your DP might be more inclinded to not just automatically jump to his defence.

It sounds like your DP's DS has some serious issues, and I really, really wouldn't believe a word he said about this if it's meaning he gets more of his Dad's attention - his mum has a new baby on her own, I bet he's not getting a lot of attention at home compared to what he's used too.

Really, I would tell your DP as far as you are concerned, you are believing your DS's view of events, you are taking away the X box for easter holidays for being horrible to DP's DS, but you don't consider it to be bullying or that it's the sole cause of his DS's bedwettng and crying.

I would be reassessing letting your DP spent too much time with your DS BTW.

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 16:14

I'm actually reassessing my entire relationship with him to be honest...

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 29/03/2013 16:20

You were told your son was following the other boy around all afternoon? How come all these other people, including your dp, were watching what was going on but you didn't see a thing?
I wouldn't have punished your son at all in your situation, if your dp didn't even think to mention it until a week later it can't have been all that significant.

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 16:23

I have no idea Floggingmolly I didn't see any of it. I was there all afternoon though.

OP posts:
float62 · 29/03/2013 16:24

I would just like to thank the OP for keeping us appraised of as many details as possible so that we can comment relevantly. I've nothing more to add at the mo as good advice is being given.

HildaOgden · 29/03/2013 16:29

You didn't see it,because it didn't happen.

I really don't think you're grasping this at all,really I don't.Is it that you don't want to face up to it?The problems that are right in front of you?

I won't even get started on this comment,as it's left me a bit flabberghasted to be honest 'DPs relationship with his sons mother broke down when his son was only 10 months old so I can't see that it would have had a great effect on his son.'

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 16:30

DP has just rung and I said I was cross he didn't tell me of the situation before now and he said he didn't think it mattered which is why he didn't tell me.

I told him his brother hadn't seen my son pushing his and he said he thinks it was his sister who told him that they were shoving each other against the wall?

I also said my son is adamant that his said "I'm going to kill you", he said if his son did say that it must have been said in jest and that he won't have meant anything by it.

I then said that anyone would be upset if someone said they were going to kill you and he said to stop being dramatic and said I have to go now as I'm busy at work, goodbye and hung up!!!

WHat the HELL?

OP posts:
Original poster
blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 16:33

NO I don't think the relationship breakdown will have had a great effect on his son not the breakdown..

The aftermath, yes, as he doesn't get to see his Dad as often as he'd obviously like due to the extreme distance.

I think the majority of DPs sons upset will be due to the fact that his mother is always banging on about how wonderful his sister is in front of him and putting him down in front of him. I even witnessed her doing this at the christening.

DPs daughter is extremely clever and talented and is favourited by the mother.

OP posts:
badtime · 29/03/2013 16:34

So now they were shoving each other? Hmm

Inertia · 29/03/2013 16:36

A 10 year old making threats to kill a newborn baby is not normal adolescent behaviour- whatever has gone on here, your DP owes it to his son (and the boy's potentially at-risk siblings) to ensure he gets the help he needs. You need to be very wary of your family's involvement with a man who is trying to brush all that under the carpet rather than resolving the problem.

As for the incident at the Christening: to an outsider it sounds a bit like six of one and half-a-dozen of the other- but it's convenient for your DP to pin all the blame on your son.

I think, in your shoes, I might say to your son that it sounds as though neither boy behaved well and you will be taking the x-box away for a period of time because he responded in the wrong way by following the other boy instead of coming to you to deal with it, but you are willing to believe your son's account.

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 16:36

badtime, yes that's exactly what I thought.

OP posts:
Inertia · 29/03/2013 16:38

Lots of cross-posts there- sounds like your DP cannot even get his own story straight...

Original poster
blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 16:39

Inertia I've spoken to my son and said that he shouldn't have followed DPs son and should have come straight to me and told me what had happened and then I could have sorted the entire situation out there and then and none of this would be happening now.

I'm starting to wonder if DPs son was actually crying because he thought my DS would "tell on him" for making that comment. My DP can be very strict with both his children and I'm worrying if his son was actually crying because he thought he'd get in trouble.

OP posts:
Original poster
blueballoon79 · 29/03/2013 16:39

That should have said wondering, not worrying!

OP posts:
HildaOgden · 29/03/2013 16:42

Why his ds is behaving the way he is,is quite frankly not your concern.

What is your concern is how the behaviour of that child effects your son.
He has been threatened,bullied (yes) and disbelieved.Had death threats made against him.Had the word of comparative strangers believed over his word.

You need to stop trying to figure out the ins-and- outs of that dysfunctional family,and see what's happening in your own.

Your son has been treated like a second class citizen,with your in-denial bullshitter of a boyfriend being given preferential treatment.That is not right.

How long are you with this boyfriend,btw,and what has the relationship been like?Honestly.

Inertia · 29/03/2013 16:45

What was your son's reaction when you said that he should have come to you with the problem?

The thing that strikes me here is that your son's side of the story is consistent.

Your DP's version seems to have changed every time you've discussed it- frankly I wouldn't be taking any action based on anything he says.

I think you and your son could perhaps come up with a reasonable consequence for his behaviour which you both know about and both accept was wrong- but don't punish your son for the problems in DP's family.