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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to look after my step daughter overnight?

321 replies

LookingForwardToMarch · 28/03/2013 15:58

Ok don't flame me please...(sorry long)

My DP's daughter is ten and coming to stay for the easter holiday. It will be nice as 5 weeks ago our DD was born and hasnt spent much time with her yet.

But my problem is this. DP works overnight sometimes and before sd would stay with Mil at those times and with us when he wasnt at work.

Anyway Mil just said to me that it would be 'nice' if I looked after sd now when dp is at work! And got very snotty with when i said i wasnt comfy with that.

My reasons were

  1. Sd likes me ( i think) but we dont have what id call a close relationship
  1. Breastfeeding a hungry reflux baby is taking it out of me a bit, and im not sure how I will cope with a sometimes very hyper sd, baby and a puppy!
  1. Im at college full time and have 2 massive projects to do. Was hoping to complete these when dh was at work and sd at mil's

AIBU or is Mil right and Im a horrible person?

OP posts:
Losingexcessweight · 28/03/2013 20:43

Op

You are definitely not being unreasonable.

dietcokeandwine · 28/03/2013 20:43

I haven't read the whole thread in its entirety but the one thing I would say in response to everyone saying things like 'other people manage to look after a newborn and other children quite easily' is...the OP's newborn is her first child. OK, she has a stepdaughter, but in terms of parenting experience with a baby she's a first-time mum, with a difficult baby in terms of prem/reflux etc. And let's face it for the majority of people, getting on with things after having a first baby is a COMPLETELY different ballgame to doing the same after your second/third/fourth, isn't it?

Just my opinion, but I don't think it's entirely fair to compare the experience of someone coping with older children + newborn when they've had a baby before, to someone coping with older children + newborn when this is the first time they've ever had a baby to care for...

Completely agree re comments about the puppy though.

BruthasTortoise · 28/03/2013 20:44

This is an honest question, could someone please direct me to the post in which the OP states she never wants to look after her SD on her own? My reading of the thread is that the OP is unwell, her newborn is unwell and she doesn't feel able for it at the minute. I still can't see the unreasonableness is that.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 28/03/2013 20:45

I love my SD, but nowhere near as much as I love my own children. Nowhere even close. I am very fond of her, and see myself as a friend and someone for her to turn to whenever she needs me. But I cannot force myself to love her.

I would always have her on my own if I had to, because we have a fantastic friendship and relationship. I have known her for 4 years and I am a very consistent figure in her life. That's why it would be easy for me to look after her. I know her likes, her dislikes, her personality traits good and bad, I know her routines, she will listen to me when I tell her it's time for tea or time for bed, she'll do as she's told and we both respect each other.

In OP's case, she doesn't have that same relationship with her SD. It has been spoiled by the girl's mum and the OP has tried to rectify this but the girl is still very distant. Try dealing with that, whilst looking after a small baby and recovering from an infected c section.

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 20:48

"stepparents are certainly not included in parenting decisions, rights or responsibilities"

ummm when did i say that

Who said anything about rights here? Btortoise? wouldn't you relish the fact that the child was being loved by another other than yourself when you weren't around?

I chose a mother figure as a childminder for my son also and they adored each other (still do). I dropped him off in the morning and he ran to her. I went to work every day with a happy heart knowing my son was very cared for.

eslteacher · 28/03/2013 20:53

drjohnsonscat - from a personal point of view, that is really nice to hear. I feel that my relationship with DSS is getting better and better all the time, and I really hope that 40 years from now we'll be as close as you and your stepmother. I feel encouraged now!

BruthasTortoise · 28/03/2013 20:54

I not sure what your asking Clipped. You said that stepparents should take their stepchildren on as their own, does that not include parental rights and responsibilities? Your childminder may love your son but I don't believe she loves him the same as her own children and if she does I feel a degree of sadness for her own children.

BruthasTortoise · 28/03/2013 20:55

*I'm

BruthasTortoise · 28/03/2013 20:56

Please ignore my bad spelling, typing while feeding my DS, should really learn to preview Smile

pigletmania · 28/03/2013 20:59

I agree Brathus, the girl has has a mum and a dad, op does not need to take on the mother role, that would piss a lot f mothers off if some woman tried to take over. Freddie well done fr being such a perfect mother give yourself a big at on the back for being so perfect.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 28/03/2013 20:59

Bruthas don't worry about it I am doing exactly the same thing! :)

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 21:00

I don't think parental rights and responsibilites come into loving a child that isn't yours to be honest. Surely you love the father then you love the offspring of him? You develop your own unique relationship with them. It has nothing to do with rights.

pigletmania · 28/03/2013 21:01

Yes I would want Amy step oarent of my child to be kind and caring but not assume the mother role as they already have a mother, me!

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 21:02

Why would it piss off a lot of mothers? Mothers that need their child to only love them? that's weird and then you need to take a look at yourself really...

BruthasTortoise · 28/03/2013 21:03

And to answer your other question I think it's great if stepparents love their stepchildren, I adore mine and as they're resident with us I take care of them a great deal. However, I take care of my stepchildren because I choose to, the only people on the planet I HAVE to take care off are my biological children because they are the ones I'm responsible for. The OP is not responsible for her SD, the child's parents are, if the OP is not well enough to take care of her SD then that's that, her parents need to make other arrangements.

tory79 · 28/03/2013 21:05

Completely agree with dietcokeandwine

It is an utter joke that people are comparing looking after your OWN child and a newborn, to looking after your partners child and a newborn.

I have looked after my stepdaughter for a few days while dh was working, and ds was just coming up to a year, and that was fine, but the thought of doing it when ds was 5 weeks old....I could barely tell left from right. Its not OP's job to just get on with it, her sd is not her child and not her responsibility.

I am very fond of my stepdaughter, but as far as I am concerned, ultimately a step parent should be kind to their stepchildren and not interfere in their relationship with their bio parent, and thats it. Anything on top of that is a bonus.

pigletmania · 28/03/2013 21:05

It would piss a lot f women off if you try to take over clipped you are not their mother tey already have one. A step moter should not do this but be liked and caring to their stepchild and assume a different type of role

BruthasTortoise · 28/03/2013 21:05

Clipped I do apologise if I've misunderstood you but I though when you were talking about taking on a child as you own you meant as an equal parent to the mum and dad.

pigletmania · 28/03/2013 21:06

Meant kind and caring

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 21:06

Jealous over another person loving your child? really? why on earth can't another woman love your child if they are with your ex? why can't they build their own unique relationship with them?

That smacks of something not right within yourself in my book.

pigletmania · 28/03/2013 21:09

Erm I am not talking about loving clipped but trying to take over from the mother, yes you would build your own unique relationship with your stepchild, one that is different to teir mother. No I am perfectly fine tanks clipped

Dancergirl · 28/03/2013 21:10

YABU

I would imagine that sd is v hurt that you don't want her to stay. In terms of you being 'busy'....she is TEN, not a baby. She could help play with/cuddle the baby etc to help you out.

I don't have stepchildren but surely it's important to make them feel part of the family?

pigletmania · 28/03/2013 21:11

Also I guess if you were te other woman than I might be a leeetle bit resentful

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 21:11

No one is talking about taking over the role of a mother here. I don't understand why the OP only had the child when the father was there. Thats a bit weird if she lives with him as a married couple.

jacks365 · 28/03/2013 21:12

The dsd is there for two weeks not just the one night. For that one night the dad has to work and his mother is refusing to have the dsd as i see it your options are dad to take holiday, send dsd back to her mother, giving an opportunity for mum to say see i told you or you bite the bullet and cope, if nothing else it'll prove she isn't being pushed out. You can't however force mil to take her.

While i do appreciate that it is bad timing we don't always have that choice. Refusing totally is unreasonable being annoyed that you have to grin and bear it isn't.