To not want to look after my step daughter overnight?

[LookingForwardToMarch]

Ok don't flame me please...(sorry long)

My DP's daughter is ten and coming to stay for the easter holiday. It will be nice as 5 weeks ago our DD was born and hasnt spent much time with her yet.

But my problem is this. DP works overnight sometimes and before sd would stay with Mil at those times and with us when he wasnt at work.

Anyway Mil just said to me that it would be 'nice' if I looked after sd now when dp is at work! And got very snotty with when i said i wasnt comfy with that.

My reasons were

1. Sd likes me ( i think) but we dont have what id call a close relationship

1. Breastfeeding a hungry reflux baby is taking it out of me a bit, and im not sure how I will cope with a sometimes very hyper sd, baby and a puppy!

1. Im at college full time and have 2 massive projects to do. Was hoping to complete these when dh was at work and sd at mil's

AIBU or is Mil right and Im a horrible person?

Jesus christ on a bike - why don't some of you READ the THREAD???

The child has been asked by her Dad & she wants to stay at her grandmothers and see her cousins as she normally does.

The mother would be furious if she found out the OP had the DSD on her own.

The mother soured the relationship the OP had with the DSD.

The OP has a nasty CS wound & is an exhausted new Mum.

The OP's baby is prem & not well.

The MIL has always wanted to see the DSD - why for the love of fuck has she decided that now, with a prem newborn in the house and the Mum with a nasty wound is the time for the DSD to stay at the OP's house - especially in light of the fact that her mother would be furious?

Stop being so fucking nasty and READ the thread.

If you feel the need to shout at someone - shout at the DP who doesn't seem to be doing an awful lot in the way of telling the ex to STFU and stop poisoning his daughter against the OP, that he will decide who looks after her during his contact time, not her AND he needs to sort his fucking mother out - how DARE she be so vile to the OP - he should not be saying 'oh she'll remember how good you are with DSD in the morning' he should be putting a stop to her being so utterly vile. How on earth can he let anyone speak to the OP like that?

Wow. I think it's really unfair to ask you to suddenly have SD overnight when that's not the normal arrangement AND you have a brand-new baby AND you are recovering from a CS AND the dad's not going to be around AND your baby was premature and has only been out of hospital for two weeks.

I say that as a former step-daughter btw. I'm normally quick to object to step-parents being hostile towards their step-children but I don't think you are at all - I think you are being asked to take on far too much right now.

Right now, you need to focus on you and your new baby. Forget college projects, and do the bare minimum for a bit while you get through these first weeks. Avoid any extra stress. Yes your SD is important too, but right now she's not #1. Considering her mum isn't helping the relationship between you, it's clearly not her priority either. (or DP's if he is doing nothing about it).

Not read the whole thread, and unsure how bad yours and his ex's relationship is, but is there any way of trying to make peace? Even something like "I'm really struggling with BF/sleeping, I was wondering if you'd come over for a cuppa and a chat as you've already been through all this?" I know it's sucking up your pride, but it would be best for your DD and SD to have a more relaxed relationship if you can possibly manage it.

Wow sorry have been busy but thanks for all the replies!

So far the plan is not to have sd on my own this visit, but Im going to ask her this time if she would like to another time.

Dp unfortunately can not have a remotely amicable discussion with sd's mum ( the last time they actually met she attacked him so badly the police had to be called!)

I am trying to build a relationship with sd but now is not the right time for
or either of us to get dropped in the deep end.

Thanks for the support

Poor little girl. My heart goes out to your SD.

Sometimes children,s needs have to be balanced against others needs and frankly since the op has had major surgery her needs are very important at the moment as she is vulnerable. Being a child does not mean your needs and desires trump all others. Rights and needs have to be balanced against each other.
If the op is put under too much stress right now she could develop post partum, depression or there could be other consequences that mean all will be affected.
I put myself in that child's shoes and I would not want to put stress on a new mum who has a lot on her plate. I would not want to stay over with a woman I am only just getting to know.
The mother and mil need to step up to their plate, not the poor op.it is not as if this child does not ave other options, just that those options who have a greater responsibility to her, are being awkward and thoughtless to the op position right now. Who would ask this of a new mum who is in the early weeks of motherhood. Who would judge the op for not wanting to do it? Plenty on here it seems.
I feel sorry for the op. You are being shafted at a time you should be getting to know your new baby and being able to relax and not be worrying about looking after another person, who you are not yet close to, even though you will become so, now is not the time for bonding. As a new mum you need to at this time priorities your baby and you. The mil and m can prioritise this little girl till you are more established as a mum. There is some serious emotional blackmail going on here.

Honestly...some of y'all are kind of being assholes.

The SD only sees her cousins and Gran when she visits, what on earth is wrong with her going to stay when her father's not home? Especially if her primary caretaker (her mother) has no idea that her DD will be alone with her SM and would not be okay with it if she did?

I'm having a baby in less than two months and this summer am sending my DS (he'll be 6) to day camp two days a week, and he'll also be going to my parents for a few long weekends as he loves them and they don't see him as much as he/they would like. Of course I can cope perfectly well with DS and a newborn all day every day, but why would I? He's beyond excited for camp and "big boy" trips to his GPs. So here I am, fobbing off my very own biological child to have a more relaxed time with my newborn. Wanna flame me for it? :o

Yes sweetmelissa poor dsd for having a vile mother

I agree pit mountain it's the girls father and mother who should step up and grandmother. Why should op in her current vulnerable position be expected to take te lions share and full responsibility. There are health and psychological implications on te op if sh is placed under a lot of stress

There seem to be a lot of perfect maryters on here, I wonder if you will be if you yourself found yourself in the same situation as the op

Have skipped the last few pages of the thread but one comment really stuck out

"If you cant love someones children like they are your own them don't bloody get with someone who has children"

Most people over the age of say 25 have children or a child. So the chances of you meeting someone who has no children or no child over the age of 25 is fairly slim.

Its impossible to love someone else's children like they are your own.

Step children are not your responsibility.

I have waded through the whole thread and I think you have been given a tough time, especially at the beginning. It may be you need to start building a better relationship with you DSD but just not this visit. Just this once people should be taking responsibilities off you hands not adding to them given what you are having to deal with. pigletmania pretty much says it all for me and I agree with her.

I also think a lot of you over estimate the abilities of a 10 yr old. She might be helpful but equally, since her mother has had a good go at poisoning DSD against her step mother, she might start pushing every boundary she can and really play up when left alone with the OP. Or she just might be your average 10 yr old child who can be a bit self centred and not much interested in helping out at all. Now is not the visit to be finding out what type of 10 yr old she is!

I don't think anybody has asked this question (it is a long thread) but what is the relationship between the child's mother and grandmother like? The timing of all this is a bit suspect in my eyes and I am wondering if it isn't one of those weird situations where the MIL thinks more of the ex than her DS's current partner and is trying to make the OP the baddie here rather than the weak DP or the spiteful ex. It is a shame that DSD is caught in the middle really. You can understand the OP not wanting the DSD by herself (having sole responsibility for both children as a first time mother is a big deal despite what some of you think) but what is the grandmother's excuse? - the child is her GD and she should be supporting her not causing WWIII over her.

Its impossible to love someone else's children like they are your own.

Hear hear. I think it's ridiculous to expect a step parent to love their step children the way they love their own children.

There's nothing as strong and amazing as the love you have for your own children. It's something that is so natural and definitely not something you can force yourself to have for someone else's child. I would only be lying to myself and everyone else if I said I love my SD because I don't. That's not to say I don't care about her though.

Thanks big boobi

Sorry im on my new phone so getting used to it. New amwsy can you love step children same as your in and its a silly idea to expect it. The relationship is different abduction live them in a different way

Piglet I think you have been autocorrected. I'm a bit confused by your last post lol!

The love that a mother has fr her child is different to that of a step parent. You already have a little person who has developed ter own ersonality and characteristics that you were not responsible for. The bond has to develop between step parent and child. Really it's op dh who has put op in a very difficult situation having to care for an extra child fo the duration of te Easter holidays with the stuff she is going through, very unfair. Not all 10 year odds are easy, she might come with her issues ( her mum sounds very toxic) op has to deal with that on top of her own issues. Op is not saying sh is not Wacom and she doesn't want her , just at the moment this is not th right time. Op dh and her mum has to arrange things round the little girl and put her first, why should op shoulder all the responsibility iypts not on really. From what op has said this littl girl is not easy ad rob ably needs a lot of input

Sorry swat I have indeed been autocrrected, back on I pad now, tats better

As a teen mum I had a newborn baby and had to look after my 4yo sister so my mother could work nights to support me. Op is a fully grown woman and is not doing it because she puts her needs above the sd.

A bad start yo sd introduction to her Dsis .

Yes I would be annoyed however nice stepmom is if I was left with her most of the time than spending quality time with my dad which I te main thing, as he sis the childs father.

I have to say, I can't see how you can automatically love a step child like your own when the situation is very different. A lot of step children already have 2 parents and don't need a 3rd. They need somebody who cares about them, treats them well and tries to be as fair as possible but to expect somebody to love the child just because they love the parent is odd. I don't get the reasoning behind that. The child is an individual not a copy of the parent. You can't care for a child who doesn't live with you most of the time, like a child who does either, not when you have to take into account the wishes of the other parent, who you possibly don't even get on with.

But I am not a step parent so what do I know? It is just that they seem to have a very difficult path to tread between being a part- time parent and being an outsider in the relationship between the biological parents and the child (very different from being an adoptive parent I might add so it isn't all about biology). In the Op's case, I think for just this one visit, she should be allowed to put all the issues aside and concentrate on getting well and dealing with her new baby, then when she is stronger in only a week or two, she can work on her relationship with DSD without the massive pressure this visit would place on her at a very difficult time.

Hear hear. I think it's ridiculous to expect a step parent to love their step children the way they love their own children.There's nothing as strong and amazing as the love you have for your own children. It's something that is so natural and definitely not something you can force yourself to have for someone else's child. I would only be lying to myself and everyone else if I said I love my SD because I don't. That's not to say I don't care about her though.

As an adoptive parent and also a foster parent I have difficulties with this one. Maybe it is the case for many people, I don't know. But I do know that whatever you feel inside you have to outwardly treat the children the same, and try to make them feel equally loved.

sweetmellisa do you honestly love your foster children as much as your own children and did the love begin the second they were placed with you? I agree I think it's important that all the children feel loved but at the end of the day the OPs SD is presumably very much loved by her own mother and father, the relationship between the OP and her SD will hopefully develop into love but it will take time and probably will never be the same love the little girl feels for her own mother or the OP feels for her own child.

Hmm. I think that if you have a SD, you have to be prepared to let her live with you part of the time and that includes overnight. She is ten - not a baby.

If you need childcare because you have projects to complete and a small baby, you should purchase some, not palm your SD off on her granny (unless granny is chomping at the bit for it and SD too).