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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to look after my step daughter overnight?

321 replies

LookingForwardToMarch · 28/03/2013 15:58

Ok don't flame me please...(sorry long)

My DP's daughter is ten and coming to stay for the easter holiday. It will be nice as 5 weeks ago our DD was born and hasnt spent much time with her yet.

But my problem is this. DP works overnight sometimes and before sd would stay with Mil at those times and with us when he wasnt at work.

Anyway Mil just said to me that it would be 'nice' if I looked after sd now when dp is at work! And got very snotty with when i said i wasnt comfy with that.

My reasons were

  1. Sd likes me ( i think) but we dont have what id call a close relationship
  1. Breastfeeding a hungry reflux baby is taking it out of me a bit, and im not sure how I will cope with a sometimes very hyper sd, baby and a puppy!
  1. Im at college full time and have 2 massive projects to do. Was hoping to complete these when dh was at work and sd at mil's

AIBU or is Mil right and Im a horrible person?

OP posts:
ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 21:13

Yes, piglet, being the other woman would sort of make it harder but at the end of the day, the child comes first.

BruthasTortoise · 28/03/2013 21:14

I think that if my stepchildren were non resident and didn't come over often then I would expect my husband to be with them during the contact time. I mean not necessarily every minute but I certainly wouldn't expect him to go to work during the limited time they were there.

IneedAsockamnesty · 28/03/2013 21:14

Yanbu.

If I hooked up with anyone my children would still be my responsibility the person I got involved with wouldn't become responsible for MY kids.

If you only have your kids a small amount of time then I would change my work commitments or change my contact times.

The sdd is not your responsibility she is the responsibility of her own mother and her father you are under no obligation to baby sit her nor should you be put under pressure to do so.

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 21:15

Shiftwork makes this unavoidable sometimes Btortoise. Now and again should be more than acceptable.

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 21:18

Thank god you weren't my step parent socket is all i can say. Very cold attitude to take.

seriouscakeeater · 28/03/2013 21:20

expat i was actually waiting for some one to write some thing like you have - how can you call her MIL when your not even married...well the same applies to DS...but she is still expected to step in a play that roll.
clipper you'd be surprised, not every one is so liberal when it come to there children and SM.
bruthas i'm shocked too at the the reaction to the fact the op has just had major surgery with her first child but not surprised as most sp get there eyes scratched out on here off those mums that have 10 kids, done course work, pushed a tractor up and down blah blah its the same people that shout-Dont touch my kids but dont dare say you wont have them over night!

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 21:20

One with such an attitude as socket really would be best off to find a man with grown up children. Which I hope they have and not young ones.

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 21:21

No they aren't so liberal about it, hence major problems for the child.

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 21:31

Bloody hell, this thread is on balance half awful (too much) where it comes to blended families which are so common these days. That speaks volumes, which is sad.

As a child advocate i feel very sad about supposed "adults" not actually looking at a childs needs before emarking on a second relationship.

It's rather shocking.

If you feel that you will only ever love your own, don't bloody take up with someone that already has one/some.

If you think that you don't "mind" - then again don't do it.

It's not bloody good enough for that child.

BruthasTortoise · 28/03/2013 21:33

I am surprised at the reaction to the OP's CSec. I've never had one but anything I've ever read encourages women to take it very easy in the following weeks especially if the wound gets infected. I actually think the OP is doing well by accepting that her DP has to work and she is going to be left alone with her own newborn. I know that after I had my firstborn, a ridiculously easy straight forward birth, I cried when my DH went back to work 4 weeks later! Mind you, by the time I had my third I was willing him back to work so I could get back into routine.

PeachActiviaMinge · 28/03/2013 21:33

Seriouscakeeater You seem to have a real problem with step parents being asked to do anything that might mean supporting the stepchild. You constantly repeat that step parents can do nothing right here on mumsnet but I have honestly seen nothing but support for them. I don't know why you have this opinion but its really not helping the OP or the discussion at all.

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 21:36

Peach. We are talking the odd night, not all the time. There is taking it easy and there is not wanting a 10 year old around for a bit.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 28/03/2013 21:37

If you feel that you will only ever love your own, don't bloody take up with someone that already has one/some.

But the love I have for my own children I will never have for my SD. It's as simple as that. It doesn't mean I don't CARE about her though. I'll always be a friend to her.

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 21:38

Apologies here peach. I meant that to be directed at BTortoise!

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 21:39

Depends on the age SoWhat really. If they are 13 plus then i'd totally agree, but the child is 10 and needs that bit extra.

Yfronts · 28/03/2013 21:41

say you don't mind the odd night for bonding but actually you have a big commitment in terms of course work/screaming babies

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 28/03/2013 21:41

Well my SD is 7 so I must be a really bad person then.

BruthasTortoise · 28/03/2013 21:41

I think that was meant for me Clipped Smile. I was more referring to the fact that the OP was called pathetic. I think that was harsh.

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 21:42

im not saying youre a bad person, just maybe wont go that extra mile that makes a huge difference.

IneedAsockamnesty · 28/03/2013 21:44

Clipped I have several step children all but one of whom are adults now who at no time in their life considered me cold. I also remain very good friends with there mothers

Quite a few of them thanked me for putting a rocket up their fathers arse and drawing the line when he wished to abdicate his responsibility over to me so he could pretend to be a involved dad on 'his weekend' when really he wanted to leave all the parenting to me.

All have a better relationship with their father than they did before I came along. I am godmother to two of their children ( my ex's grandchildren) and the one belonging to my most recent stbxh is currently upstairs watching a film with one of my own children as her mother is on a date and she asked if she could come over and hang out with him.

As a step parent you should do everything you can reasonably be expected to do to facilitate a good relationship between their actual parents and them but you are not and never will be the child's parent they already have two of those and any actual parenting is their job not yours. Overstepping the parenting mark is one of the main step parenting causes of issues and resentment and is not a good idea.it also shows a lack of respect for the child and both parents and can lead to a lack of decent boundaries.

Part of actual parenting is arranging suitable childcare when you are unavailable,suitable childcare is something that all parties have to be comfortable with if they are not then it is not suitable and requires a rethink.

IneedAsockamnesty · 28/03/2013 21:46

Oh and they were all children when I was with their dad.

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 21:47

Grin yes you BTortoise.

Calling the OP pathetic was indeed very harsh. I make you right there.

I work with children so hence my sway on things.

I'm so sad for most of them (and want to take them all home with me most of the time) that aquire step parents due to so much shit going on with the adults.

ClippedPhoenix · 28/03/2013 21:49

Socket, your first post was indeed cold. Your subsequent wasnt.

BruthasTortoise · 28/03/2013 21:50

I love my stepchildren but I genuinely don't love them the same as my own children. I cant quantify the love so I dont like to talk about more or less but the love is different. The love I have for my stepchildren is based on the people they are, by the time I met them they were already fully formed small people and we grew to love each other as people. The love I have for my children is basic and primal, I didn't grow to love them, I just loved them and combined with the huge responsibility I personally have for them I don't think the two "loves" can be equated. Wow that's a lot of loving Smile

pigletmania · 28/03/2013 21:50

Exactly so what, te love that you have for your own children is in a different level tan a stepchild. If I were a step mum I would assume a different role to teir mother, of course I would care and look after them, and build up a
Voting bond in time. I would want them to feel comfortable enough to come to me if tey feel happy or sad o if tey have any problems tat they feel tey cannot all to their oarentsabout