To not want to look after my step daughter overnight?

[LookingForwardToMarch]

Ok don't flame me please...(sorry long)

My DP's daughter is ten and coming to stay for the easter holiday. It will be nice as 5 weeks ago our DD was born and hasnt spent much time with her yet.

But my problem is this. DP works overnight sometimes and before sd would stay with Mil at those times and with us when he wasnt at work.

Anyway Mil just said to me that it would be 'nice' if I looked after sd now when dp is at work! And got very snotty with when i said i wasnt comfy with that.

My reasons were

1. Sd likes me ( i think) but we dont have what id call a close relationship

1. Breastfeeding a hungry reflux baby is taking it out of me a bit, and im not sure how I will cope with a sometimes very hyper sd, baby and a puppy!

1. Im at college full time and have 2 massive projects to do. Was hoping to complete these when dh was at work and sd at mil's

AIBU or is Mil right and Im a horrible person?

I don't get in these situations how the rest of us with multiple children cope? I have three - the last one on my own as my ex had walked out on me. I've managed to complete a teacher training course with three children under 8 and all that entails. My ex is around, but isn't reliable. I didn't have the choice of sending my children away when the youngest was born.

Whilst I accept step mothers can't do right for doing wrong, a child needs to feel equal in their parent's eyes and it's hard enough in 'together' families to achieve that when a baby is born. Missing out on time in dad's home sends a negative message, particularly to a young child who will struggle to understand and rationalise what they might be feeling (an older child could understand that the baby wasn't more important but that its needs and those of mum would perhaps take precedence for a few weeks).

OP - you need to examine your motives and in doing so be totally honest with yourself. If you are unwell, tired, trying to keep up with college work then perhaps missing a week is OK. But if you're OK and just looking for some 'space', you perhaps need to re-think? Just my opinion.

I had a a prem baby.

Who had reflux

OK I didn't have a section, but I did have a very sore undercarriage. And three other children.

I couldn't just ship them off somewhere else. And my ex had the sort of job that took him abroad - he went to Singapore for 18 days when she was 3 weeks and when she was 10 days old my DS1 went in to have his tonsils out.

Sorry but I don't buy the "well I had a baby and it's hard" line.

It's a piece of nonsense.

And that's not a dig because of the OP being a stepmother, it's a dig because she's being pathetic. And using having a baby as an excuse not to keep her DSD. Which she should have been doing all along for months.

And if the MIL really was that much of a drunk and that plastered on a regular basis then DH needs to step up and tell her she's not having DSD because she gets steaming drunk.

And putting DSD below a fucking puppy (and I love my dog to pieces) is utterly totally wrong.

Agree with prev poster who said now is not the time for this to be an issue. Dh needs to sort this out. Maybe he can have a word with mil.

My ds is from a previous marriage. His dad has a new partner and they have two kids together. I don't see my ds as her responsibilty. Infact during the holiday visit I have agreed with my exh that our ds spend time at his paternsl grandparents rather than with his partner and the two little ones. My ds would be bored ridgid and i am sure she has enough on her plate without my ds in the equation. Ds is not her responsibilty imo.

And if the ex wife doesn't want the OP to keep the DSD overnight, and that's the real reason she's been getting shipped to MIL, then DSD stays at her mum's on those nights. Or if there is court ordered contact in place, then it's up to DH to decide who keeps her when he's working.

I gave birth to DD1 when DStD was 11. I did everything I could to have her at our house!!

I don't get how you could love and be in a relationship with someone and not also love their child.

Not read anything other than the OP so don't know if I am going against the grain but actually feel so strongly about this that I do not give a flying fuck!!

Your DP should ask his daughter. "When I work late would you rather stay at Granny's or stay with Looking". If she'd rather be with you I would make the effort to do it SOMETIMES given all you have on.
MIL sounds lazy actually. You'd think she'd be keen to see her granddaughter.

mumandboys123 I think it's very different parenting your own children than parenting your stepchildren. We, as mothers, normally have time to grow into our roles, we establish our own routines, we can effectively discipline our children with no fear of being accused of "hating " them, we rarely have to defer to anyone else. I know I find that I'm much more secure in the knowledge that what I'm doing is "right" with my younger children than I was with my first but that only came with experience.

And, you know, there's nothing wrong with saying to DSD "well I know you want to go and see your cousins but that's not happening this week." No isn't a dirty word.

MIL sounds lazy???

How can she be your MIL when you are not married?

'Once again the puppy was not a purchase.

We were meant to be looking after him for a week for my cousin who then decided she didnt want the hassle

And we just fell in love with him'

That's what NO is for. Guess it's easy enough when it comes to your partner's child, though.

'grin he said thats what I get for posting on an internet forum and im not the evil stepmother '

Perhaps not, but he's a wet girl's blouse and a prat of the highest order for foisting his child off on his mother whenever he has to work overnight in his contact time rather than presenting himself and his child as a single unit, non-negotiable to any partners or women in his life. She was a mug for putting up with it, I'd tell my son where to go if he treated his child like that, and now she's going to make it stop. Quite right. Maybe she's tired and embarrassed at what a selfish git she raised.

Freddie I think that's the first time in MN history that woman recovering from a CS, with an infected wound, a premie baby and a DP who isn't pulling his weight re. childcare has been called "pathetic". Well done.

ok I'm going to play thread bingo here. I 've had the prem baby, the reflux, the caesarean and am a lone parent of two so have done the new baby alone and the new baby and the older child alone. I'm also a stepdaughter. So I think I can really see all sides of this.

As I said before OP should be working towards this but DP needs to facilitate it and make it ok. It won't be ok when she's still working towards being confident of managing her new baby alone. SD won't feel fully accepted in the new environment unless DP makes that happen - OP has to take her lead from him. She may dread doing it but I'm sure she will do it for the good of the family - but unfair to say this is her failing.

Op, women the world over manage to look after a newborn and other children at the same time quite easily. Many even have a puppy to contend with too, and still they manage!

Oh and believe it or not if need be these women could also juggle college work aswell. It looks not so much like you can't cope with your dsd but that you DON'T WANT to cope. Stop the me me me attitude and think how pushed out you will be making that poor liitle girl feel if you continue to moan.

Well, she's not so sick she can't prioritise her puppy and her "projects" is she?

Sorry but I agree with expat.

I think you need to be a bit more honest with yourself here.

"I didn't mean to adopt a puppy but he was so gosh-darn cute I did anyway but now it turns out I've just got too much on my plate for my step-daughter to stay here."

I get that lots of mothers have to deal with their own older children + young baby when they are still recovering from giving birth.

But I definitely think it would be harder to do this as a stepmum, trying to get used to the fact that you are suddenly a mother and being responsible for a tiny baby, PLUS negotiating a delicate relationship with a child who is not yours, and who you simply don't have that massive and permanent, all-consuming attachment of parental love for. That you presumably are feeling for your new baby.

I really admire step parents who genuinely love their stepchildren, certainly if they love them as much as if they were their own. But in my experience you can't just 'fall in love' with your stepchildren at will, much as you might feel you should.

Anyway, you could say all the of the above is even more reason for OP to start dealing immediately with the obvious imbalance between the relationship between herself and her new baby, and herself and her stepdaughter. I think it's possibly true, but I'm not totally convinced it has to happen right now this week. OP has said she isn't objecting to overnights in general, just this one.

Strawberries - they were looking after the puppy for someone else, who eventually decided they didn't want it any more and just left it with the OP and her family, IIRC.

And your DH needs to sort this out!!!

Drunk granny or unwilling stepmother,poor child!

Well, river, she had 8 months when she was pregnant to involve her DSD and change the status quo of foisting off on her MIL to "play with her cousins" didn't she?

Well, sort of DSD and sort of MIL since he's only a DP. But you get my drift.

I haven't read the whole thread but could you not just have her for three or four days. Because it is reasonable that you are tired at the moment and getting used to a new baby. Not to mention your course work and so on. And she is 10 so should be able to help and probably would want to.

And you know what? I read the op. And then when the thread wasn't going the right way it was drip drip drip.

I'm out.

She's 10! At 10 both my DDs were quite capable if sorting themselves out for bed and getting themselves breakfast in the morning.

10 year olds can switch on the TV, work the disc recorder while you feed and entertain the baby in between.

It's not like having a toddler to stay.

*To clarify myself and sd were close but when her mum got wind of this she started saying horrible things to sd about me that she told her dad i.e I would hate her and take daddy away sad

Since we dont get to see her often i havent had much chance to persuade her this isnt true*

You need to a) have her more often and b) have a similar chat to the one I had with my DStD 'I love your Dad and I love you too, we are a family and it is nice to all spend time together but if ever you just want a bit of Daddy time, just let me know and it will be ok'.

That will give her permission to do so while making her mum out to be a liar, without actually saying it.

I had similar poison dripped in to my StD ear including 'the baby won't be my real brother ot sister, it will only be my half brother or sister', which got a 'well it is the only brother or sister you are likely to have, so make your choice, do you want to be 'half' or 'full' neither of you is half a person'.

YOU AS THE ADULTS (YOU AND DP) NEED TO MAKE THE EFFORT.

From what the OP said, she has been working on her relationship with DSD, but they haven't been able to have her very often in the last few months - I believe due to the issues with DSD's DM? If I have understood correctly.

wouldnt it be nice if all step parents and sc feel in love with each other on first site! Some of you guys are just angels/saints! how do you do it???????
I would not expect another woman to look after my child if dp wasnt there. She is not there responsibilty. She is the mothers and DP, which frequently gets shouted if a sp tries to make a impact on the dc.

riverboat is right. I'm still close to my stepmother 40 years after she came into my life but it was not her job to make things right for us at my father's house. It was my father's job. I actually would have felt very strange staying over at my dad's without my dad being there. These things can take a long time. It's not at all the same as me looking after my two DCs on my own.

If I came by a stepchild somehow (very unlikely as I never leave my front room) I like to think I would do it well and over time we would come to be as close as I now am to my stepmother but it took us decades. A stepmother's job is sometimes just to not get in the way of the parent/child relationship and that must be bloody hard in itself. Sometimes a stepparent does a whole lot more than that but sometimes they really do just have to facilitate someone else's relationship and that sounds hard.