To not want to look after my step daughter overnight?

[LookingForwardToMarch]

Ok don't flame me please...(sorry long)

My DP's daughter is ten and coming to stay for the easter holiday. It will be nice as 5 weeks ago our DD was born and hasnt spent much time with her yet.

But my problem is this. DP works overnight sometimes and before sd would stay with Mil at those times and with us when he wasnt at work.

Anyway Mil just said to me that it would be 'nice' if I looked after sd now when dp is at work! And got very snotty with when i said i wasnt comfy with that.

My reasons were

1. Sd likes me ( i think) but we dont have what id call a close relationship

1. Breastfeeding a hungry reflux baby is taking it out of me a bit, and im not sure how I will cope with a sometimes very hyper sd, baby and a puppy!

1. Im at college full time and have 2 massive projects to do. Was hoping to complete these when dh was at work and sd at mil's

AIBU or is Mil right and Im a horrible person?

Oh trust me I make sure my SD feels very much a part of our family and feels wanted. I wouldn't treat her any differently but I don't have to feel any maternal love for her.

Well I'm divorced and my ex has remarried, so technically my children (now adult) have a step mother. There's no way on this earth they would go to stay with her when he's not there. Why would they?

Of course the OP wants a bit of peace and as someone said above, if this was her own child she wanted to send to her granny's, nobody would blink any eyelid about it.

For those who think it's the same as having your own children at home, don't be so daft. Of course it isn't.

The girl doesn't want to come.
Her mother would be furious if she knew the OP would be the only adult in the house.
Why then would anyone suggest the girl should come?

I actually differ here. i have my own child and when another came into the fold i made them feel more than welcome because that's what you do. your own child "knows" you dont favour, you do the welcome mat thing. DS did it too.

I agree sockreturning the step Chidren already have arents which is not me, the role I assume would be a different one

piglet You are absolutely right there, spot on.

Clipped I do actually think it is great that you are an advocate for step parents being an important figure in their DSC's life. That is completely non sarcastic - I know sometimes on MN things don't come across the way intended. I just can't agree that it has to be feeling a mother's love for them, or nothing at all. I am absolutely sure some stepparents do feel like that and that this makes for a very happy step family, but I am also sureits not the ONLY way.

Why's it cold to point out a basic fact.

Parents are responsible for their children the only responsibility a step parent has is to celebrate and facilitate that relationship and make sure they do nothing to hinder it.

Ime that's how you end up with the type of beneficial relationship that continues even if your relationship with the sdc's parent ends.

Yanbu for now.
Say you will have your s d overnight when
A you have recovered from c section.
B you are on top of your work

It will not do anyone any favors for you to do it under pressure and it strain a relationship that has yet to develop.
It is not the same for the op having two kids as this is her f irst experienceof being a mum to a baby. The other child is one she has not developed a strong relationship with, which may or may not come with time.
Work it out with the mum so you have dsd when your partner is not on night shifts.
I think people are naive if they think the op can be expected to instantaneously have the loving bond you have with a child you have raised from day 1, with a child who suddenly comes into your life.
I had friends who had step mums and I saw that yes they were treated differently by the step mum. Very few people are altruistic enough to selflessly love what starts out as a stranger to you unless it is their partner. Not saying it is the best way to be but it is the way it often is and the lucky step kids are the ones who perceive no difference in how their mothers and step mums treat them.
The op is just being honest. She has just had major surgery, is adjusting to being a mum for the first time, is breastfeeding, and is trying to come to terms with being responsible or a much older child with whom a relationship is just developing.
Ignore the moral mother superiors on here. Easier to say than do. Give yourself some time and have your sd when you think you will be able to build a healthy relationship which takes energy.

That does not mean I would not ae them welcome, I would bend over backwards to make them at home and welcome, but as sock said tey already have parents my role would be different. I am not theirmum and it would cause trouble I think if you step over tat boundary

OP I'll just say one last thing imagine that was your DD being turned away because she would be in the way, wouldn't you want someone to make that tiny bit of effort for her? She's just a little girl a confused and hurt little girl stuck in the middle of someone else's war please just try to make it a little better for her it won't cost you much but it will mean the world to her if not today then in the future.

Thanks sowhat

All im really asking of any step parent is just try to go the extra mile for the child. Im not into debate where kids are concerned and it's not their fault they find themselves in other environments.

A good ask?

Just to let you a know the time I have spent on this thread has taken away my nightly tidy up time . All the best OP, hope you recover from your CS, enjoy your newborn and hopefully the relationship with your SD will improve. Being a stepparent is hard but honestly it's very rewarding in the end.

Be a mum when their real mum isn't there. It's for such a short time really.

Why do people keep saying she should have the child when the child has said clearly she doesn't want to be there and wants to go to her grandmother's house instead?

And why are people ignoring the fact that the child's mother would be furious if she knew the OP was looking after the child alone?

I don't get it Clipped. To go the extra mile are you suggesting a step parent must love their step children in the same way their love their own?

Many many many step parents absolutely do go that extra mile for their step children, fueled by a good heart and a fondness for the children of their partner, not necessarily through pure love.

You can't force yourself to love a child that is not yours. But you can still care.

Her grandmother doesn't want her to. So the OP needs to step up to the mark now.

Just to point out, not all mothers who have a newborn (or more in the case of a multiple birth) DO sill look after the older child...mine sure as heck didn't!

OP, YANBU at this particular point. I do think the issues surrounding poisonous comments ought to have been dealt with very firmly by your DP when they happened!

Well it's up to the individual how they want to define themselves toth step child, but I most certainly would be kind caring and loving

Clipped. Maybe going that extra mile when you are 5 weeks out of surgery with a tricky newborn is too much. Frankly if it was my daughter I would be thinking of this new mum and not want to put on someone healing from major surgery. Have not read whole thread so not sure why the mother cam't have her daughter when her ex does night shift.
There will be many years ahead when going the extra mile will become the norm for the op who will indeed have to suck it up and embrace it as much as is possible. Not now with all she has on her plate. There is more than just the sd welfare at stake. There is the op and her demanding new baby too.

All about grown ups here huh. Put yourself in the childs shoes.

The step mom is busy with a new born. The dad is away working. The granny doesn't want her. The mother has said "this is contact time no matter what"

That poor girl.

My turn to say spot on sowhat

Lol Thankyou Piglet

I'll have her OP....