Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to hang out with my ex? or is his new girlfriend the unreasonable one?

321 replies

HidingNemo · 27/03/2013 13:32

Me and my ex broke up when our daughter was 6months, so around 4 years ago now.

It was a very mutual decision and we even stayed living together until she was 1. We do quite a few things as a family, such as he comes over for dinner or we go out or we go to the cinema etc.

I really enjoy his company and he really is one of my best friends. But we don't work as a couple and would never consider getting back together.

He has now been seeing someone for a year and she had just moved in, and is pregnant with his child - I'm really happy for him and DD seems to like her and is excited about a new brother.

However the gf has said she doesn't want ex to do family things anymore, as it would be unfair on her child when he gets older because he will be seeing his dad be a father to a different family.

When I first found out they were serious I offered for her to be a part of these activities but she declined saying it would be weird.

I just feel so sad, I feel like I've lost a really good friend and that DD has lost out too.

Aibu? Sad

OP posts:
allnewtaketwo · 28/03/2013 10:48

Agree SoWhat - DH's ex has nothing whatsoever to do with our family. DSSs do of course. As are they part of their mothers family. So they are part of 2 families. Me and my child are part of one family which includes DH and DSSs.

allnewtaketwo · 28/03/2013 10:49

Ultimately OP, whatever you think about this, the decision is down to your ex. It's not up to us to say who is reasonable, you or new partner, because neither of you make the actual decision about how things will proceed. Your ex will.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 28/03/2013 10:50

*family unit

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 28/03/2013 10:52

allnew exactly.

I refuse to see MY children as part of one big family. Their family consists of me, my partner, my partner's dd and each other.

NOT SD's mother and her seperate family too!

KellyElly · 28/03/2013 10:56

For all the people who think the gf is being selfish and should put up and shut up where is the line drawn. Is it appropriate for the OP and her ex to go on a family holiday together, for him to stay over at her house??

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 28/03/2013 10:58

Oh a family holiday. I'm sorry but that WOULD be taking the piss.

Viviennemary · 28/03/2013 11:12

People can see their family in any way they choose. But if one partner doesn't see it that way then there is trouble. I would strongly object to my partner having social family dates with an ex. If the new partner doesn't then fine. But in your case maybe it would be better if the girlfriend bowed out now as it's all going to end in tears and upset for her if you carry on with these unfair demands on a new partner. That's my opinion. And she finds herself a more committed partner.

BegoniaBampot · 28/03/2013 11:15

I understand you don't want things to change as it suits you (and your daughter) but I don't think the GF is being unreasonable as long as she wants the dad to spend as much time wi his daughter as possible. Realistically, if you wanted that kind of cosy set up and no new partners or children to come in and make things more difficult or different the. You should have stayed together. I also find it hard to believe that many of your future partners would really be happy for you meals and days out with your ex to continue. Your ex has found someone else and is having a baby. If you really wanted the best for him I think you would understand and help with the transition. Would you reall want to make him totally choose?

Ormiriathomimus · 28/03/2013 11:17

I think it's a shame that the new GF can't be quite as open-minded and generous as you two have been. He has 4 relationships here:

  1. OP's DD
  2. Op
  3. New GF
  4. GFs baby.

1 and 4 come first, 3 comes next and sadly 2 comes last. But there doesn't have to be a heirarchy if new GF could get over her jealousy and insecurity. OP is just a friend - with the added element of a shared child. As long as OP isn't stopping him spending time with GF and baby I can't see why she should have a problem.

allnewtaketwo · 28/03/2013 11:22

"I can't see why she should have a problem"

But that's not really relevant to the situation or how it gets resolved (unless of coures the ex agrees with you and dumps her)

Fleecyslippers · 28/03/2013 11:23

'For all the people who think the gf is being selfish and should put up and shut up where is the line drawn. Is it appropriate for the OP and her ex to go on a family holiday together, for him to stay over at her house?? '

And where exactly is the OP suggesting that she wants to do ANY of that ? Shock

At the end of the day, there will always be people who are mature and confident enough to cope with being a second/wife partner without bringing their own demands and insecurities into play and demanding that a little girls routine and family dynamic is shifted to suit them.
Unfortunately there are plenty of women who are incapable of doing that and unfortunately your Ex has ended up in a relationship with one of them. YANBU OP and I really hope that your DD doesn't suffer.

teacherandguideleader · 28/03/2013 11:25

I was in a relationship with someone who had a child once and was pleased he spent time with his child. He used to spend two days a week with her (not overnight) with their child and I was fine with this - I got involved knowing he had a child.

However, they went in holiday together so he got a 'family' holiday. I felt that was a step too far as they were no longer a family unit. I would have been more than happy to adapt mine and bf's holidays to accommodate a child. In addition, when there were family events, I didn't get to go as she would not let her child go without her, so it was always him, her and child with me left out at home.
That was too much for me. I accepted he had a child, but I was not included at all, she still thought they could go around as a family even though they weren't anymore. I'm just glad it ended before another child was added to the equation.

StanleyLambchop · 28/03/2013 11:26

To think that the co-parenting arrangement that has been set up between the OP and her ex is set in stone and should never change is unreasonable. Things change all the time, the DDs world is about to change anyway, because she is about to get a sibling, and that would be the case even if the sibling was the second child of the OP & ex.

There is also a lot of talk of the DD having to be prioritised over everyone else, but what about the new baby? Does he not get a look in, or does he just have to fit in around these sacred arrangements that cannot be changed?

'Daddy, can you read me stories tonight?' 'Sorry son I am off to the cinema with your sister and her mother' Sad.

To be fair, if you read the opening post it is actually all about how sad the OP will feel about losing time with her ex, the DD losing out is only mentioned in the final line, as if she is only a secondary issue in this.

Machli · 28/03/2013 11:37

Well from my own personal experience. Ex and I have a similar set up to the OP. We are not together for so many reasons but do get on as friends. Most importantly though we have two dc with SN who it benefits when we all do things together.

Ex got a GF last year. All fine in the beginning, then a few months in the comments started and ex tried to go along with it eg they did not spend Christmas together but she was getting arsey about him spending it with us so he only came for a couple of hours then went back to his. So he sat alone in his flat while me and the dc were at ours a couple of miles away to keep her happy. I respected it, thought it was ridiculous but it's their relationship and nothing to do with me. He rang me at about 8 pm and said this is pointless can I come back round and put the kids to bed.

GF carried on getting arsey about things, making snide comments etc. she was dumped shortly after New Year.

I don't see the harm in this kind of set up and it sounds to me like the only one with problem is GF, which makes me a bit Hmm as to why well working arrangements and systems involving children should change just for a foot stamping grown woman. That's just my opinion.

allnewtaketwo · 28/03/2013 11:43

Sorry if this has been covered but OP do you have a partner?

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 28/03/2013 11:45

*There is also a lot of talk of the DD having to be prioritised over everyone else, but what about the new baby? Does he not get a look in, or does he just have to fit in around these sacred arrangements that cannot be changed?

'Daddy, can you read me stories tonight?' 'Sorry son I am off to the cinema with your sister and her mother'*.

But it wouldn't have to be like that either, in ideal world they'd ALL go together as friends with both kids in tow. It's the new gf that doesn't want to or hasn't even tired to be friends

madonnawhore · 28/03/2013 11:47

There is also a lot of talk of the DD having to be prioritised over everyone else, but what about the new baby? Does he not get a look in, or does he just have to fit in around these sacred arrangements that cannot be changed?

Exactly. The family dynamic is changing. Everyone will have to adapt. At the moment it seems like to OP and her ex are expecting the GF to do all the adapting so they can keep everything the same. Very unfair. I'd be pissed off too.

And as far as DD is concerned, that's what happens when siblings come along. The dynamics change, and you go with the flow. I don't see why this has to be detrimental to her at all. She can still spend just as much time with her dad.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 28/03/2013 11:47

allnew op said she doesn't but previously broke up with a 7month relationship and he was fine with arrangement

allnewtaketwo · 28/03/2013 11:48

I think if you put a group of people in the gf's position it would really be a minority who would be happy with the current set-up. Same for any partner of OP. So the chances of them both finding partners who are happy with it are really really small imo

Fleecyslippers · 28/03/2013 11:50

And daddy isn't doing your story tonight but he'll do.it tomorrow night and the night after and the night after that. But tonight he's spending some time with your sister, as he does every Wednesday night. Do you think he's reading 3 little pigs ? Shall We read 3 little pigs as well ? And daddy will be here later to tuck.you into bed'

I do not know why some people find it so difficult to see the bigger picture when involved with a man who already has a family Hmm

BegoniaBampot · 28/03/2013 11:55

Stanley had a point. The Op's first post was about how any changes would affect her more than it affecting her daughter.

Aop- if you got a new partner you were serious about and in the first throws of love - do you really think you would want this status quo to remain? Do you really think he woul?

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 28/03/2013 11:56

But it wouldn't have to be like that either, in ideal world they'd ALL go together as friends with both kids in tow. It's the new gf that doesn't want to or hasn't even tired to be friends

But why should they all go together? Is that what every cinema trip should be like? The OP's ex and his gf have a family together of their own and might want to do this without the OP.

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 28/03/2013 12:01

"But tonight he's spending some time with your sister"

As he does when she stays at his house. That still counts as seeing her dad. You make it out like he never sees her.

olgaga · 28/03/2013 12:07

The family dynamic is changing. Everyone will have to adapt.

Exactly my feelings. YANBU to be sad about it OP, but it's going to happen that way and YWBU to insist your ex continues to do family things with your DD which include you.

His new family is him, GF, DD and new baby, when he or she arrives.

Your DD is part of that family, but you are not.

The purpose of contact between DD and her dad is for her to maintain a relationship with him - not you.

eslteacher · 28/03/2013 12:10

I agree with allnew to an extent, it doesn?t help the OP in dealing with the problem at hand to just say the GF is a stupid bitch who needs to stop whining. Even if that is the case, the OP will probably achieve a better outcome for herself and her daughter by trying to understand any grains of reasonability in the GF?s stance and be prepared to make some compromises.

Ultimately we can all tell the OP YANBU til the cows come home, but the ex is holding all the cards. He?s the only one who can really judge the situation and make the call on what to do.

If GF is really saying that all semblance of friendship between the OP and the ex must stop, and they can never do anything together with their DD, I think that is very sad and that the OP?s ex has some very difficult decisions ahead of him. But maybe she is just saying she wants there to be clearer lines between the two family units, without meaning the OP and ex can never chat or do birthdays together or whatever. Which could be more reasonable.

Swipe left for the next trending thread