to want to hang out with my ex? or is his new girlfriend the unreasonable one?

[HidingNemo]

Me and my ex broke up when our daughter was 6months, so around 4 years ago now.

It was a very mutual decision and we even stayed living together until she was 1. We do quite a few things as a family, such as he comes over for dinner or we go out or we go to the cinema etc.

I really enjoy his company and he really is one of my best friends. But we don't work as a couple and would never consider getting back together.

He has now been seeing someone for a year and she had just moved in, and is pregnant with his child - I'm really happy for him and DD seems to like her and is excited about a new brother.

However the gf has said she doesn't want ex to do family things anymore, as it would be unfair on her child when he gets older because he will be seeing his dad be a father to a different family.

When I first found out they were serious I offered for her to be a part of these activities but she declined saying it would be weird.

I just feel so sad, I feel like I've lost a really good friend and that DD has lost out too.

Aibu?

I think it's fair enough for you to take a step back now. As long as dd gets plenty time with dad, partner and baby then I don't think there is an issue.

But they can't get pregnant and then decide to change an arrangement that works for everyone except themselves. That's just selfish and controlling.

But noone knows the circumstances behind the pregnancy, not even the OP. Perhaps he was desperate to have a child with his GF, maybe she was reluctant because she felt uncomfortable with the situation, maybe he then made promises that he would cut down the amount of 'hanging out' time with the OP and he is now having to tell the OP but giving her the impression that it is the GF's insistance because he does not want to admit it is him? Who knows? But if he does not want to spend the same amount of time with the OP for whatever reason then that is up to him.

I think you should back off in all honesty

If it is up to him, I absolutely agree with you. It's his choice to make, and he shouldn't be influenced by anyone. If he wants to cut down the time he spends with OP, then he isn't doing anything wrong as long as he still sees his first child just as much.

If he doesn't want to, and is being pressured by his new GF, then he is wrong if he lets her insecurities affect his situation with his child.

If the Dad changes his mind about it then he's a shit. No argument. You can't just "move on" from your children. Op need not keep the same arrangements as things have always been...but the odd meal together or birthday parties are good for the child as is both parents attending school functions with the child.

The girlfriend should also be made welcome to join in then there is no problem with her feeling excluded.

If the Dad changes his mind about it then he's a shit. No argument. You can't just "move on" from your children

For about the hundreth time, he is not being asked to move on from his DD, merely to not spend so much time with the OP. The Op has also not said he has been prevented from attending birthday parties, just that the GF would prefer it if he cut back on the evening meals and trips to the cinema. Will the DD really suffer if her parents no longer go to the cinema together? Really?

The OP has also stated that the GF is considering sending her child to the same school as the DD. That does not seem like the actions of an insecure woman trying to cut her partners DD out of their lives.

I think it's inevitable that now your ex has a new partner and is due to have another child he will spend less time with you. I don't see why this should disadvantage his daughter in any way, he can still spend as much time with his daughter, it's just trips out with his daughter will include his partner not you and if he goes to the cinema he goes with his daughter and partner.
I can also see that if he has a baby he should be getting home to help look after the baby not have dinner with you once a week, small babies are tiring and time consuming.
I think 2 exes socialising alot together only really works if neither of you have new partners.
I think his partner is unreasonable if she's asking your ex to spend less time with his daughter, but not if she's asking him to spend less time with you.
Ultimately he can decide how much time he wants to spend with you and I think the new partner is getting flak for decisions your ex is making, but if he wanted to socialise with you alot then surely you'd still be together and not divorced?
I get on with my ex and we go to parents evenings etc together and jointly discuss stuff about the kids. We don't go out for meals or to the cinema together though.
If you enjoy still socialising with your ex I can understand you being upset but he has chosen to live with and have a child with another woman.

A dilemma... The key to solve the situation is his girlfriend. Guess you two can have a sincere conversation to her, you daughter needs father as well, the girlfriend can not cut off the links between the father and the daughter, please at least have a detailed thinking on maintain the condition for your daughter's healthy growth, please at least fight for it... Hope everything would go smooth as soon as possible.

the girlfriend can not cut off the links between the father and the daughter,

And where does it say that she is? It is time spent with the OP that he has been asked to reduce, not his DD . I think 2Rebecca has summed it up perfectly.

honestly? I can see her issues

So I assume she has no issues with him seeing her DD, and I hope your DD will get a new relationship with their new sibling

But would I like my partner spending cosy family time with his ex? No, I would not to be honest. lets face facts, you used to make love. and have a child.

her reaction is shitty, but a VERY human one

Thing is, people who can maintain friendly family relationships with XPs and just include new partners into the gang, we are the superior ones and we are the future. That really is the bottom line. Insisting on prioritising romantic-sexual relationships over all others is stupid because it really doesn't work and leads to lots of unhappiness.

And it's perfectly possible in a case like the OP's to be very fond of your child's other parent with no romantic/sexual component. They pretty much grew up together; their relationship now is going to be more that of siblings. So the GF really does need to get over herself before she makes a huge mess of everything for everyone else and herself.

2rebecca has made some extremely good points.

I don't normally reply to many posts - mostly lurk - but I really felt I wanted to here.

OP I don't think YABU really, but I do think you may have to be sensitive towards the new GF's feelings a bit on this one.

Isn't what the OP and her ex have actually the model of 'co-parenting' - the holy grail of parenting after a split??? The fact that they are friends, can get along, can both jointly be there to support their DD and spend time with her to make her feel secure and cared for should be highly praise.

My DP had cause to go to a court mandated parenting class with his Ex a short time ago. Long story and I won't bore you with it here, but they bought back some information. The relationship the OP describes was the exact thing that was being encouraged here - the thing that they were told was in the best interests of their child.

So no, I don't think OP and her partner are being unreasonable.

It also does sound like OP has made efforts to include new GF in this, and that so far she has declined. We only have OPs word on this, but it seems very reasonable to me.

However, OP, a new baby does bring change for everyone involved. And because of your close links with your Ex that includes you too. He will need ot be there for his partner and their new baby and that may mean a reduction in the time that he has to spend around your house in the evenings etc.

Changes will have to be made, and I'm afraid you may need to accept that this means it somewhat curtails his time spent around you. Your Ex's priority at the moment is his DD. In a few months time it will be his DD AND his DS, and he will have to manage that.

Also, she is pregnant. Hormones made me ridiculously sensitive and insecure. Please give her a little bit of leeway.

As for what you can do about the situation, well it's kind of your Exs decision to make really, so out of your hands. It is for him to learn/ decide how to manage his competing priorities.

The only thing I can suggest you do is have a chat to him and let him know that you are proud of the co-parenting relationship that you have developed, that you think is i very good for DD, and that you would like it continue and would very much like to include his other family too. Also raise how you both might manage any changes post birth with DD and how you will broach it with her. Then really it is up to him to make his decision as best he can.

It IS going to have an impact on the child. If Miss Prissy Pants gets her way, her daddy won't be ALLOWED to pop in for dinner or have a coffee with mummy whilst she shows him her latest painting or the new curtains in her room. The status quo that she has been used to all her life. Its not fair on a little girl to be forced to give up things which are normal to her on the whims of an insecure and jealous Ex.
'Why don't you come for tea anymore daddy ?'
'Because X won't allow me to'

Really puts the child first. Not

Girlfriend not Ex.

My ex husband used to see our son three times a week. Then five years ago he met his partner and since then contact has become less and less. I'm not allowed to text or telephone my ex because apparently she doesn't like it. If my ex needs to speak to me about our son then he rings me at work whilst he is also at work so she doesn't find out. I text him about parents evening a few weeks ago and he rang me up the next day and told me to stop texting about our son as she checks his phone.

His partner has also said to me that my ex sees our son 'too much'. He sees him once a week at the moment and that regularly gets cancelled if they want to go out or away for the weekend.

It's like she wants to erase his previous family from the picture entirely. The only person who suffers is our son, who is now nearly nine years old, who is starting to realise that his dad only wants to see him when it's convenient or doesn't clash with something that my ex and his partner would prefer to do. Last time he cancelled having him my son cried his eyes out and he asked me if his dad didn't love him any more.

I could blame her but actually it's not her fault. It's my ex's fault for not standing up to her when they first met.

My ex and I never went out together or socialised together and I only ever contacted my ex about our son but I can't even do that anymore, which affects how our son is parented by both of us.

I suppose that this is an extreme example of what can happen when your ex meets a new partner but it can and does happen.

I have no meaningful advice but I would expect that this is just the start of how things are going to be from now on.

Christ alive, what a selfish cow!

If anyone got involved with my Ex, and tried to change the way we co-parent our DC's (which is very similar to the OP's set up), I would be exceedingly angry.

You can't just come into an existing set up and change it TO THE DETRIMENT OF A CHILD OR CHILDREN!

Who the hell does that?!

MOST separated parents I know do very similar to the OP and myself. Only ones I know that don't is where abuse or DV has been involved!

Why is it seen as a bad thing to show your DC's that you are still a family, just a slightly more unconventional one?

This is ALL about the new girlfriend's jealousy and selfishness.

She knew the situation before she ever got involved with the OP's Ex. She had two choices - accept that this was the situation, and understand that it is for the best for the OP's DD, or to not get involved in the first place.

She chose to get involved with the OP's Ex, meaning she accepted the situation. You don't then get to change the goalposts AFTER you have made that choice!

And yes, the comment about it being 'unfair for her DC to see it's father being a father to another family' is VERY chilling. I would not be surprised if she tries to limit contact after her DC is born. At which point, I would NOT be amicable towards my ex any more - because it would be having an obvious effect on my DC.

This actually makes me really angry - who the hell does she think she is to barge her way into a set up that works for the CHILD in the situation, and then try to change things that WILL adversely affect the child?!

Nope, Stanley, I DON'T feel she is 'allowed to have that opinion' when it is just pure selfishness to try to change what works for the CHILD for the sake of an adult throwing their rattle out of the pram.

She KNEW what she was getting into. So trying to change that IS selfishness, pure and simple.

She isn't trying to change the situation for the benefit of the OP's DC, is she? Therefore she's being selfish, trying to change something that everyone else in the situation is happy with, works well, and leaves the OP's DC feeling sage and secure in her relationships with BOTH parents, to something that only makes HER happy. That IS selfish, pure and simple.

I think SGB sums it up perfectly. Why should anyone prioritise their own romantic relationship over the well being of their children. Both I am my DP have good relationships with our exes, which extend to birthday meals out, attending important events together with our children and cooking meals and offering tea etc. Just as we would do with any close friend.

My ex and I also have joint bank accounts to pay for the childrens expenses and keys to each others houses so we can collect stuff they forget to bring home if need be. The children are cool with it, and they know that their parents present a united front, as we always discuss important decisons between us.

There is no one model for how to be a good seperated parent. Please dont let this woman stop the pair of you you doing what is best for your child

For all of you demonising the new gf, where does it say that she wants to curtail his involvement in his daughters life?. Op, you need to back off a bit, your ex can still be a good dad without having to spend a lot of time with you. If you are such good friends surely you wouldn't want to put him in position where he has to effectively choose you or his partner.

Surely, all good friendships change/adapt when serious relationships and children come along? I know mine did.

But it IS curtailing the way these people have decided to co-parent. Which IS detrimental to the child in the situation.

They are spending time with the child they share - therefore there will be things that BOTH parents wish to share with their DD - the first day at school, the first time she goes on a rollercoaster, a day trip out somewhere new, a visit to the farm.

It's how it's always worked for all THREE OF THEM, the OP, herEx, and most importantly, their DD.

Why the hell should one person's selfishness stop that?

The OP's DD will likely think that she has done something to upset her dad if he suddenly no longer wishes to eat a dinner at her mums house once a week, or go to the cinema with her and her Mum, or drop in for coffee.

It IS detrimental to the OP's DC. Without question.

Why is there such a 'thing' about having to hate your exes, and never be near them, even if it hurts your DC and leaves their loyalties divided?

Why can't people get along amicably for the sake of their DC's?

And it WILL curtail his involvement in her life, if she suddenly has to start compartmentalising her 'two' families.

They AREN'T two families - they are one now larger family - the Ex's GF and new baby are ADDITIONS to the family, not a separate family.

So yes, the GF IS trying to limit the OP's Ex's involvement in his DD's life!

The GF added to the existing family of the OP, her Ex, and their DD. Now a new baby is also being added to the family.

You can't just write a child's mother out of that child's family - so therefore whenever you start a relationship with a man that has existing DC, you are JOINING their family. If you then have DC's with that man, you are adding to that man's EXISTING family, NOT creating a separate family.

Lots of new partners in this situation would do well to remember this!

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs

So what you are saying is that my DP's ex is "family" to my children?

I think I can tell you now she is not. And her child she has with her new partner is nothing to do with me either.

Like it or not he has a family until with his dd, his child on the way and his gf. And his ex is NOT a part of that.

Ultimately though it will be for the ex to decide whether to go along with his girlfriend's demands. The girlfriend can ask but she can't actually make him stop spending time with the OP and their child, unless he agrees to it.