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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to hang out with my ex? or is his new girlfriend the unreasonable one?

321 replies

HidingNemo · 27/03/2013 13:32

Me and my ex broke up when our daughter was 6months, so around 4 years ago now.

It was a very mutual decision and we even stayed living together until she was 1. We do quite a few things as a family, such as he comes over for dinner or we go out or we go to the cinema etc.

I really enjoy his company and he really is one of my best friends. But we don't work as a couple and would never consider getting back together.

He has now been seeing someone for a year and she had just moved in, and is pregnant with his child - I'm really happy for him and DD seems to like her and is excited about a new brother.

However the gf has said she doesn't want ex to do family things anymore, as it would be unfair on her child when he gets older because he will be seeing his dad be a father to a different family.

When I first found out they were serious I offered for her to be a part of these activities but she declined saying it would be weird.

I just feel so sad, I feel like I've lost a really good friend and that DD has lost out too.

Aibu? Sad

OP posts:
KansasCityOctopus · 28/03/2013 12:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notimefors · 28/03/2013 12:13

I think your ex's new GF is being unreasonable. It is a shame, but from the replies here it's obvious that the way she is behaving must be quite natural. :(

2rebecca · 28/03/2013 12:16

I think all going together is fine if ALL of you want to do everything together. My husband and my ex don't get on though and I think it would be unfair to force my husband to go to the cinema with my ex, my kids and I just because we used to do that when we were together, and I do think it would be odd to go to the cinema with my ex and kids rather than my husband and kids.
Likewise I'm happy to chat to my husband's ex when I see her but wouldn't want to socialise with her on a regular basis. Thankfully she has her own social life and husband and is happy for my stepkids to just come here or my husband to go out to dinner with his kids without her wanting to tag along too.

SolidGoldBrass · 28/03/2013 12:52

But by the sound of it this new GF has made no effort at all, just whined and stamped her feet. The OP has tried to make friends and the GF won't even meet her.

One or two XPs of mine (well, exboyfriends as I never married or lived with any of them) took up with clingy, whiny women after going out with me, and I lost them as friends for a while. But generally they got sick of the whiners, dumped them, and were back on the social scene again. This is probably what's going to happen here, but it will be rough on the baby as s/he grows up.

BegoniaBampot · 28/03/2013 12:55

Of course the GF is whinging and stamping her feet - we are hearing it only from one side of course and with very little Information.

Bridgetbidet · 28/03/2013 13:31

Hmm. Bit of a catch 22 situation.

As far as I can see there are two ways of reacting.

Girlfriend says she wants ex to spend less time with OP.
OP says, right fine. Obviously girlfriend didn't have a point.

OR

Girlfriend says she wants ex to spend less time with OP.
OP objects to this. It thus appears girlfriend may have a point.

I suspect in this case that the girlfriend may have a bit of a point. The OPs whole reaction is kind of proprietorial over the ex and there seems to be a rivalry and competition between the OP and the new girlfriend for his time. For that reason there MUST be a problem. And unfortunatley as the ex the OP has to be the one to take a step back in this situation.

OP - if you push this issue and insist that you should spend time with him along with your daughter you are only going to cause problems for yourself because you are simply going to make it look as though the GF does have a point because you are insisting that your ex should spend time with you and your daughter rather than just with your daughter. You cannot win in this situation by fighting against this I'm afraid. Any stand you make against it will just compound the problem and make it look more and more like the girlfriend is absolutely in the right no matter how incorrect this is.

I think if we heard the GFs side of the story it probably wouldn't be this straightforward either. I suspect that there's a lot more to this than meets the eye.

mummabug · 28/03/2013 14:15

Very good point bridget

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs · 28/03/2013 21:57

Stanley - flip that around - "Daddy can you come to the cinema with me and mummy like you did last time" "No, I have to read your brother a bedtime story"...

Why should the set up change?

CouthySaysEatChoccyEggs · 28/03/2013 22:05

Of COURSE the OP is a part of ANY family that includes her DD. you CAN'T just 'write out' the mother from the DC's family!!!

Just as you can't write out the father. The OP's DD has ALWAYS had time that is spent with both her parents together.

I tell you now - if I got with a new partner who didn't like the fact that my Ex spends a lot of time here with his DC's, that new partner would be dumped pretty sharpish.

I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a selfish man-child that wasn't able to put my DC's feelings first and foremost.

And I'm pretty sure my Ex would be the same!

Why would anyone put a new relationship above the way they currently parent their shared DC's?

Surely if a mum posted on here and said that they had always spent time doing things for their DC's WITH their father, even after their split, and HER new partner was saying that it had to stop, loads of people would jump in saying LTB because he's being controlling and not putting your DC's feelings first. So why is this any different?!

Cherriesarelovely · 28/03/2013 22:26

I don't actually think either you or the gf are bu. There is nothing weird about you and your ex getting along well, I think that is brilliant. Equally though I completely understand the gf feeling insecure about this. I am more like you OP and my DP is more like the gf in that she finds being friends with an ex very odd!!

This used to drive me up the wall as like you there was nothing at all other than friendship between me and my ex. However, I realised that my DP had her own reasons for feeling insecure (being cheated on several times in the past). I just tried to be understanding but at the same time didn't totally back down. Over the years it has all worked out really well. They like each other now! Sometimes it takes people a bit of time to get used to things like this.

SolidGoldBrass · 28/03/2013 22:40

In general I think a zero-tolerance approach to whining is the best way to deal with it. It never does any good to indulge jealous people, they just get worse: they should either be laughed at or dumped.

eslteacher · 28/03/2013 23:53

Couthy - because the decision is not OPs to make? She can't 'LTB', when 'TB' is her ex's new partner.

She could tell her ex she thinks he should leave his GF, or she could do her utmost to continue involving her ex in joint DD time as much as possible. But I'm not sure either of these would be a good thing as it seems likely to force an even bigger explosion from GF later down the road.

I guess if a) OP feels absolutely sure in herself that she is completely NBU in any way, and b) is sure of where her ex's priorities lie, she could do the above. But I'm not sure either is the case.

SummerFin · 29/03/2013 00:00

Why are people telling the OP to "back off"?

It sounds like it was an extremely mutual agreement between both.

When her ex told her girlfriend wasn't happy - the OP said she didn't comment on it.

Why tell her to back off? She's not demanding him to do anything.

LittleTyga · 29/03/2013 00:20

I'm on Team Nemo - OP and EX have been friends since school and are still friends now. The new GF sounds insecure and irrational. They are completely open and haven't been sneaking around behind her back. She should accept their friendship unless either of them betray her trust.

I feel sorry for their DD who is going to feel pushed out in favour of the new baby. For her sake the status quo should remain.

Good luck sorting this out Nemo!

lisianthus · 29/03/2013 01:20

I don't think it helped that the "olive branch" was an invitation from the OP to the new partner for the new partner to spend a day out with the OP, her child and the new partner's own DP. The impression that may have had on the new partner who is pregnant and hormonal is that the OP, and more importantly, her partner will see her new little family unit as only an addendum to the existing "proper family".

It would have been a bit more tactful for the invitation to have been made by the OP to the new partner and the ex as a couple, perhaps even made directly to the new partner ("Mabel, would you and Bob like to come to the circus with little Cecily and me") to make it absolutely clear that the OP sees them as a couple.

Mind you, I don't think the ex is being a particularly good partner to his new partner, who will also be the mother of his child. All the "looking sheepish"/eye rolling nonsense he appears to be indulging in with the OP at the expense of his new partner should be kept to himself. If he is serious about his new partner, and he should be given the circumstances, he needs to be making more of an effort to nurture his new family, while still looking after his DD. His relationship with the OP is the relationship which should be way behind in the priorities here. There may be nothing sexual here, but it may feel like an EA to the new partner particularly in her current hormonal state.

cheerup · 29/03/2013 07:18

Not sure why the new partner, ie woman OPs ex is in a relationship with and living with, is referred to as the girlfriend in much of this thread as if the OP is still his partner because she was first to have a child with him despite the fact they split up four years ago. I'm only surprised she's been willing to go so far as starting a family with someone who doesn't seem to have been able to put proper boundaries in place with his long time ex partner.

I think its very strange that you think you are still part of a family with your ex after 4 years separation and do think that you are being unreasonable in expecting it to continue. Time to move on and think about how this can best progress in the interests of both the children.

LittleBairn · 29/03/2013 07:34

It's a shame the GF insecurities are ruining what sounds like a good healthy dynamic between you all. The real looser is your DD getting to spend time with both her parents. I imagine the sudden change will also upset and confuse her I would be asking her father how he intends to deal with it.

I wonder if she GF was just bidding her time the whole time, makes her come across as disingenuous. I'm betting of she was like this at the beginning the relationship wouldn't have developed and she wouldn't be pregnant.

cheerup · 29/03/2013 07:38

As for "when you get together with someone who has children, you are joining an existing family." WTF? If they are still a family then both the adults should be doing the mature responsible thing and not getting involved with other people.

NotMostPeople · 29/03/2013 07:47

Lets say the situation continues as it has been since Op an ex split up then of I were the OP I would be happy I'd maintained a good relationship with the ex so that the DD feels loved and not caught up in adult politics And kept a good friend. If I were the ex I be happy that I'd maintained a loving, close relationship with both children and feel the same as the OP. if I were the girlfriend I'd feel secure in the knowledge that I'd picked a great man who felt a deep commitment to his children and knew to out their need for a loving secure childhood first. If I were the children I'd feel loved.

I honestly don't see what's wrong.

YesIamYourSisterInLaw · 29/03/2013 08:12

Cheerup why is it not proper boundaries to be friends with your ex?
If everybody was able to get on like op and her ex divorce might not affect so many children so badly.
It doesn't always have to be anger and hate

orangeandlemons · 29/03/2013 08:28

Haven't read all of this, but whilst it's great that the op's daughter sees her dad a lot, I think it is odd that her parents still see each other a lot. Sorry but I do. It sounds like one of them hasn't fully accepted they are split up.

If I was the girlfriend in this...well I wouldn't be the girl friend, I wouldn't have got involved on this. I went out with some guy like this, who even shared the car with his ex wife? I thought it was a bit strange and thought he hadn't managed to make the break with his ex. I didn't continue the relationship

CloudsAndTrees · 29/03/2013 08:54

As he does when she stays at his house. That still counts as seeing her dad. You make it out like he never sees her.

So the OPs dd only ever gets to see her Dad when her little brother is around, and when her Mum isn't? But the new baby gets to see both of his parents together on a daily basis, gets daddy time completely uninterrupted by his sibling, and that's supposed to fair? Hmm

I don't think so.

Oblomov · 29/03/2013 09:16

I think the gf has a valid point. But she expressed it badly. I do think the Op spends too much time with her ex. OP rang ex to see if he wanted to go to the cinema with Op and thier dd, and then ex rang Op to see if Op wanted to go to the cinema with him and thier dd. There are meal's and coffee's.

Why isn't ex spending more time just with his dd? On their own? Surely the whole point is that he does not live with his dd, but visits and has the so-called 'essential' one-to-one with her. Isn't that supposed to be crucial in building good solid relationship foundations.

Especially in seperated parents. (Even in our family, dh and I 'TRY' to spend some time, individually with both ds's)

No one needs to lose out here. DD will still see her dad. DD will not lose out, AT ALL. Will she? The only person who might spend a bit less time with ex is the OP. Surely this is only a minor thing, not a break-or-make thing.

Thus, in effect this is not such a major issue. Just a minor change in dynamics , now that ex is having a new baby with his gf, right?

CloudsAndTrees · 29/03/2013 09:33

Except the DD will end up seeing her Dad less, no matter which way you look at it. She is a young school child, she only has so many hours in the day available to spend having quality time with her parents.

If she ends up spending more time alone with her Dad, she is obviously going to be spending less time with her Mum. How is that fair either, when both parents are happy to spend time together so that they both get to spend time with their dd. and more importantly, that their dd gets to spend more time with them.

It simply doesn't work to say that the Dad can still see his dd for the same amount of time as long as the OP isn't there. How is that supposed to work when she starts having after school teas at friends houses, or does extra curricular activities? Does she do all of those things as usual, then have the free nights with her Dad, and leave the OP to do nothing but bedtime and breakfast? All just to suit someone else whose interests clearly don't lie primarily with this child?

SoWhatIfImWorkingClass · 29/03/2013 09:37

So the OPs dd only ever gets to see her Dad when her little brother is around, and when her Mum isn't? But the new baby gets to see both of his parents together on a daily basis, gets daddy time completely uninterrupted by his sibling, and that's supposed to fair?

He is her sibling. Like it or not she will have to share her father. It's the way it works. My eldest now has to share me with his baby brother; it's not detrimental to his life at all.

And maybe, just maybe, the children SHOULD be together when spending time with their dad. Talk about alienating siblings right from the get go,

Hmmm, big thumbs up there! Hmm