to want to hang out with my ex? or is his new girlfriend the unreasonable one?

[HidingNemo]

Me and my ex broke up when our daughter was 6months, so around 4 years ago now.

It was a very mutual decision and we even stayed living together until she was 1. We do quite a few things as a family, such as he comes over for dinner or we go out or we go to the cinema etc.

I really enjoy his company and he really is one of my best friends. But we don't work as a couple and would never consider getting back together.

He has now been seeing someone for a year and she had just moved in, and is pregnant with his child - I'm really happy for him and DD seems to like her and is excited about a new brother.

However the gf has said she doesn't want ex to do family things anymore, as it would be unfair on her child when he gets older because he will be seeing his dad be a father to a different family.

When I first found out they were serious I offered for her to be a part of these activities but she declined saying it would be weird.

I just feel so sad, I feel like I've lost a really good friend and that DD has lost out too.

Aibu?

Well technically no...she's not Stanley. The internet is a place of free speech.

YANBU presumably the new girlfriend knew the score when they she started her relationship with your ex and that you two had a close relationship and were supportive parents. If she likes it or not, your ex does have another family. Your daughter will always be his daughter.

She took him on knowing that he came with a history (not the ideal word I know) and all the responsibilities that come with that.

I fear that the new child is being used as a bargaining chip by the new partner - hopefully he grows a spine and tell her to get to the farside of fuck.

The talk guidelines ask us to be civil. I do not believe that those comments about a person who has not had the opportunity to put her side are in any way civil. Can't the same point be made without resorting to insults?

But she isn't restricting time with her father though. I am assuming he must always spend time with her father only in the presence of the OP? Going off what you're saying.

And by importance, she is more important than the OP on the grounds that she is his partner. If it's the old argument "well OP is the mother of his child" that makes the OP more important, well the new gf is going to be the mother of his 2nd child AND she is his partner.

Just a tad more important IMO.

Obviously not more important than his DD.

She can be his partner without trying to change his previous relationships.

If she were trying to stop him spending time with his brother or his closest make friends, people would see it for what it is. She is trying to control him when she has no actual need too. Her BF isn't doing anything that needs to be changed for anyone's benefit except her own.

The relationship between a mother and father is given absolutely no recognition in our culture, and I think that needs to change. We celebrate every other relationship in our lives, yet the relationship a person has because of creating a child with someone is given no value whatsoever. I don't agree with that, for lots of reasons.

your DD can see her dad and go out with her dad without you being there. my partner has three kids and he's friendly with his ex for that reason, but they wouldn't go out to a theme park or to the cinema together or anything like that. he goes to pick up the kids, they talk, then she does her own thing while he's with his children.

you say you do things as a family, but you're not a family anymore. it's great that you get on with your ex for your DD's sake, but you can't go out as a family and presumably be seen as a family without it causing problems. you can still be friends with him, but all going out together like that, while nice, would understandably make another partner uncomfortable.

Why does it matter if the new partner is uncomfortable with it as long as the relationship with op and her ex is not based on any sexual thing or possible sexual thing. The current existing child has had the benefit of a independent relationship with her dad a relationship with her dad at the same time as his partner and the positive experance of a healthy respectful relationship with appropriate boundaries with her mum and dad. On top of a relationship with her mum.

She's used to dad + her, dad+ her + partner, dad + her + mum, mum+ her.

It sounds like this child is really very lucky, that the parents in her life are able to have friendships and support each other togather,as well as independently without being togather as partners.

I most certainly wouldn't expect a new partner of mine to tell me who I can be friends with and who I can't especially if that friendship was so positive for my child.

But it does sound like dad needs to be putting more effort into reassuring his dp that his romantic love is for her perhaps she's getting funny about it because she's insecure and he may be able to help with that without allowing her to change his friendships.

when you get into a relationship with someone who has a child then you take on board the fact they also invariably have an ex. If the two ex partners co-parent effectively and that involves the occasional coffee/meal or even a trip to the cinema then the new partner needs to take that on, just because you become someone's partner doesn't mean you get to dictate their life, especially where a child is concerned.

Op said that the new dp said that it would be unfair for her child to see him being a father to another family. This sounds sinister to me tbh and it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if once the baby is born she tries to restrict the amount of time he spends with his dd. She sounds very controlling, and if the pregnancy wasn't planned I wonder if in fact she "planned" it.

Me and my ex are amicable and while I don't think he would invite me on a day out we have been to school things together and in fact tonight he stayed for dinner because he was running late, asked if I could feed ds and I said he could stop too. Well I was cooking anyway so am I supposed to feed ds and then send ex home to cook for himself when there is plenty of food in my house, I am cooking and it gives him the chance to not have to go home and cook for one? or does that make me unreasonable?

I think the "yabu" posters says more about them and their own insecurities/relationships with their ex's than anything else tbh.

YesIam the term 'Bio mum' is deeply offensive because it belittles the relationship that I as a mother have with MY children. It reduces it to a physical process, a biological relationship. I am much much more than that and my relationship with my kids is deeply emotional, spiritual and psychological. I will not be reduced to being seen as a uterus who produced a child but has no place in the nurturing of that child.

What is wrong with mum, dad and child spending time together?

Yanbu. The current girlf knew the score with you and dd and your joint and amicable parenting relationship with ex when she chose to get pregnant by him. It's too late for her to kick off. What a stupid, spiteful bitch!

I am assuming he must always spend time with her father only in the presence of the OP?

Why would you assume that? I have read the entire thread and have come to no such conclusion.

Basically because the OP said she drops off and picks up her DD from his house. So obviously she does spend time alone with both parents.

This is what I hate about AIBU, people twist things to fit their own messed up story.

The OP has never once said her ex can only spend time with her DD when she is there. You have unfairly come to that conclusion yourself and stated it as though it was a fact.

I also don't get the whole bio/ birth mum thing when applied to mothers who are actual mothers to their children. Its normally a phrase I would only hear used about the mothers of adopted children.

The term implies someone else is doing the mothering.

YANBU, she is being monumentally insecure, but sadly it sounds like she's not mature enough to understand that the adult thing to do is to recognise that it's her problem, which she needs to deal with rather than imposing restrictions on a child's time with her mum and dad.

I'm very lucky that I have a wide circle of friends who are pretty open minded about this stuff. Jealousy isn't tolerated. My DP and I often socialise with a particular ex of mine and his GF for example, our DCs are friends now which is lovely. DP has lots of GFs and liaisons in the past. We also socialise with several of his exes, and often their DCs too. It's only a problem if you make it one, (assuming there's not feelings of "unfinished business", which it's clear there isn't in your case). But sadly much of our society seems to think possessiveness and jealousy are perfectly acceptable.

FWIW I agree with wannabe "Op said that the new dp said that it would be unfair for her child to see him being a father to another family. This sounds sinister to me tbh and it wouldn't surprise me in the slightest if once the baby is born she tries to restrict the amount of time he spends with his dd. She sounds very controlling,"

YANBU, and hopefully she is just being hormonal. ExP and I still make the effort to spend time together with DS because we feel it is important. They have time by themselves, but sometimes the three of us will go for lunch, and we spend the important occasions (birthdays / Christmas etc) together. It's better for DS.

It doesn't sound like a particularly healthy relationship if she is trying to alter the way her P interacts with his child.

I think its important for your DD that she sees you, her dad and dad's new partner get on but I think maintaining a relationship where you socialise more than just an occasional drop off cup of coffee is possibly asking a bit much. God its bad enough that you have to deal with a partners parents without having to socialise with his ex's too.

It feels a bit to me like she does have issues though and I suspect ultimately she may try to limit your DD's time with her father which would be inexcusable. I think you need to step back from this the friendship with his ex and give his new relationship a chance whilst ensuring your DD spends sufficient time with her Dad. If you make it a competition then its going to get messy isnt it and ultimately your child may suffer.

If you make it a competition then its going to get messy isnt it and ultimately your child may suffer.

Harsh, OP isn't trying to make it a competition. She hasn't demanded his time or given him an ultimatum.

God its bad enough that you have to deal with a partners parents without having to socialise with his ex's too.

Rather have a good or civil relationship with an ex, as they have the potential to be in your life for a long time.

The other parent of your child is family, though. Unless an XP is so hostile and unreasonable that it's not possible to spend any time in his/her presence, then it's far better to be as friendly as possible: you will always have the connection of your children.Obviously some people have to cut contact with family members because the family member is absolutely horrible and harmful to be around, but on the whole, the more the merrier and it's better for everyone to be on good terms.

What this silly cow is doing is considering that a romantic couple-relationship is the most important kind of relationship there is, which is bullshit. If she's not together enough to cope with the fact that she's joining an existing family, and to appreciate the fact that a family with additional loving adults is absolutely wonderful for children, then she's going to end up on her own and it will serve her right. SHe's only been with the man a year - how much of that year has she spent stamping her foot and insisting on her own importance?

I think the "yabu" posters says more about them and their own insecurities/relationships with their ex's than anything else tbh.

Hear hear

Sorry I didnt meant to sound harsh, I totally get that his new partner has an issue but ultimately he hasnt thought it through and despite the fact that there were already red flags he has gone ahead and started a family with her. The relationship is new, he would most likely side with the pregnant girlfriend if pushed into a corner so probably best to step to the side for a bit, once the rose tinted glasses sort themselves out then I expect things will settle down.

The most important thing is that the ops child maintains a relationship with her father as my gut feeling is this girlfriend is looking for an excuse to make things difficult.

I think the "yabu" posters says more about them and their own insecurities/relationships with their ex's than anything else tbh.

I think that cuts both ways, there seems to be an amount of projecting of their own problems ex' situations from the YANBUers IMO.

I forsee a swap. The OPs child will spend time with the new family...and never with the OP and her ex. Why is that fair?

In an age of blended families, we need to push for more of what the OP had with her ex before the girlfriend got pregnant.

My friend has the best set up ever...she has 2 DC with her husband and he also has a DD from a previous marriage. Luckily, the DDs mum is very nice and very stable and she and her new husband and children all specnd time with my friend and her DH and kids.

The whole lot of them babysit, have dinners together...parties are whole family affairs.

I know this is a rare thing...but they worked at it...all 4 adults made a huge effort.

The children have benefitted SO much and they basically all know that if anythign happened to any of them, the support would be there for the DC.

That works for your friend and everyone involved which is good for them, but its not to everyone's taste.

If a good arrangement like that doesn't work for the new partner, then they don't have to be involved. They can choose not to bring a child into the family set up they don't want to be part of.

But they can't get pregnant and then decide to change an arrangement that works for everyone except themselves. That's just selfish and controlling.

And what if the dad doesn't want to do it anymore? Does it mean he's "neglecting his first family?"