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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To get really annoyed when women talk of their DHs or DPs as Having "Put his foot down"

61 replies

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 25/03/2013 11:55

over things which should be joint decisions? It REALLY gets on my nerves for some reason.

"Oh no...I can't cut DCs hair...DP has really put his foot down about that."

"Oooh no...we're not having a pet, DH put his foot down."

I want to say "Well tell his foot to fuck off!" Some things...where the woman in question WANTS something to happen she just accepts her partners "no" like he's her frigging Dad and she's ten!

OP posts:

catgirl1976 · 25/03/2013 11:57

I see your point but it's a phrase that to me can be used equally by a wife and just means someone is really sticking to their guns on something

I do despair when I see adults (male or female) saying their OH "won't allow" them to do something. I mean......you are an adult!?! So WTAF?

But for me "put their foot down" is a few steps before "not allowing" and so is ok as it suggests it's being debated but they don't want to shift from their point of view.

If it gets to "not allowed" then I get annoyed

Sirzy · 25/03/2013 11:58

To be fair those things often happen both ways. I have seen plenty of cases where the mum/wife thinks her word is final which is equally as bad

ShatnersBassoon · 25/03/2013 11:58

So what if it's the other way round?

DH wants to do something that DW is dead against. Should DW put her foot down, or watch DH do whatever he pleases?

Tee2072 · 25/03/2013 11:59

I always think the person must look awfully silly standing there on one foot...

edwardsmum11 · 25/03/2013 12:01

Does that mean if my hubby has never put his foot d8wn with me he is flying?

valiumredhead · 25/03/2013 12:01

I'm just as likely to put my foot down so can't say it bothers me really.

VanitasVanitatum · 25/03/2013 12:02

I guess if it's an issue that can't be compromised someone has to win, but I know exactly what you mean, it makes it sound like the foot putter downers opinion takes precedence.

Thumbwitch · 25/03/2013 12:04

I think I'm the one who does more of the foot-putting-down in our house, tbh.

For e.g. I won't have a dog in the house, because I don't like them that much and I will NOT do the poo - so if DH wants one, he will have to be solely responsible for it - I have put my foot down about that. We don't have a dog.

DH wanted DS1 to play for the local U6 football team this year, instead of doing Little Kickers - I put my foot down about NOT being the one to deal with it - I said I'd organised Little Kickers for the last 2.5 years, and I didn't mind that but I was damned if I was going to be taking him training twice a week and to matches on Saturday. If DH wanted DS1 to do that, then he had to organise it. DS1 still plays for Little Kickers.

There's a pattern here...

But I don't get to the "You're not allowed..." statement, ever, except as something pertains directly to me.

Carolra · 25/03/2013 12:05

I regularly use this as an excuse... I'll tell people my DH has put his foot down even though he probably doesn't even have an opinion on whatever it is. People seem to buy it a lot more than any other explanation I might have - it works particularly well with Sales people....

TheRealFellatio · 25/03/2013 12:05

I think you are over-thinking it and being a bit PO. It's just a turn of phrase, and it works both ways. Don't be silly.

Kikithecat · 25/03/2013 12:07

It depends what it's about.

You can cut your hair any way you like - a partner cannot 'put their foot down' over this.

However if you want to get a dog, have another baby etc. then surely you have to have the other person's agreement, and 'putting his foot down' is just an expression which means he will not agree to it?

dreamingbohemian · 25/03/2013 12:08

I think YABU as long as it goes both ways

My DH wants a dog but, yes, I have put my foot down because we have a tiny flat and move around a lot.

I think as long as you do it rarely and only when you feel very strongly about something, it's okay.

I can't imagine doing it over a haircut, for example. Hair grows back fgs.

goldenlula · 25/03/2013 12:11

I think it is just a saying and works both ways. When one person is dead against something, such as getting a pet, then they really have the final say, so are technically putting their foot down, especially if they are the ones who would be the most put out by the new pet. In our house I have 'put my foot down' about getting a dog as I do not want the extra work one would bring, with having 3 youngish children and dh being at work very long hours.

Original poster

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 25/03/2013 12:13

I just think that in a partnership nobody should be putting their foot down...both should compromise and both need to work stuff out. The pet thing is interesting...my DH said "No cats!"....I didn't agree...felt it would enrich our lives....so I got one anyway and told him I would be responsible for the costs from my own personal money and I would also clean any mess up...and I do and he loves the cat now.

I just get all annoyed by one adult telling another adult no. I never say no to DH....he can do what the feck he likes so long as it's not hurting anyone.

OP posts:

Sirzy · 25/03/2013 12:14

So you put your foot down and made sure you got your own way. Infact you did exactly what you are so scathing of men doing.

NotSoNervous · 25/03/2013 12:16

I think that phrase is something that can work both ways.

Thumbwitch · 25/03/2013 12:17

Back to the pets - I don't want a dog, but I would love a cat. However, DH has said absolutely not - he hates cats. We don't have a cat either.

Works both ways.

ShatnersBassoon · 25/03/2013 12:18

"he can do what the feck he likes so long as it's not hurting anyone. "

Except for living without a cat. He can't do that.

Original poster

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 25/03/2013 12:19

Sirzy no...I never put my foot down I just did what I wanted to do.

I just think living with another adult can be hard...it's in everyone's interests to give and take yes...but not with things like pets which can make a massive difference to your happiness,

OP posts:

mmmuffins · 25/03/2013 12:19

YABU, to me it is just a phrase that indicates one party feels really strongly about not doing something.

For example, we currently live in a small rental house. When we moved in I toyed with the idea of breeding my own feeder mice, but DP put his foot down and said no way. He had valid reasons to say no so I didn't argue with him.

Pandemoniaa · 25/03/2013 12:20

It's all about context.

Admittedly, I am not known for following other people's diktats (and especially not being controlled by a partner) but there are some situations where my DP's opinion would be an important factor in a decision.

So I'd never allow him to control what I wore, whether I cut my hair, who my friends were and whether or not I could go to social events, I would take account of his feelings about other things. Like dogs, for example. Only I'm keen to get a second dog and I know there are a couple of breeds he's not overly keen on. If someone offered me a dog that was one of those breeds it'd be reasonable to take his views into account although I wouldn't necessarily use the phrase "DP has put his foot down". It'd amount to much the same thing though. Equally, he'd take my opinions into account too so it goes both ways.

What bothers me about feet being put down is when it becomes the automatic response to pretty much every situation because then I start suspecting that control, rather than consideration, is taking over.

Maggie111 · 25/03/2013 12:21

Yabu.... There are certain things for which there are no compromises - someone needs to "win".

dreamingbohemian · 25/03/2013 12:25

Jeeeez, you were totally unreasonable to get a cat when he didn't want one. I'd say you're lucky he came around.

If my DH got a dog, knowing I really didn't want one, I'd think he was a massive prick tbh.

Sirzy · 25/03/2013 12:25

You did what you want knowing he was against it. How is that not putting your foot down and believing your wants are more important than his views?

Branleuse · 25/03/2013 12:26

its about being in a relationship and another person having as much right to NOT want something happeneing as the other person has to have/do it.

Some things cant be compromised on, and one person will need to put their foot down, and thats ok, as long as its not all the time and both peoples rights get equal airtime.

If you cant cope with that, there is always the option of staying single

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