I'm raging at the selfishness of it..

[Fisharefriendsnotfood]

We have 3 dc.. 5,3 and 5 months. Sleep is really really scare at the moment. Dc3 still feeds at least twice through the night and dc1 and 2 have both had endless colds/illnesses.. I am sahm, dh owes and runs own business.

I'm so angry right now. We went to bed early as wrecked from night before, dc1 woke with tonsillitis when we were going to bed, crying when swallowing etc. finally settled them at about 10.30 and went to sleep. Dc3 was up at 11.30, 2, 4.30 and 5. Dc2 woke once as fell out of bed. Dc1 woke once and got up when I was feeding dc3 at 5.

She was burning with fever, crying, miserable poor thing. Gave her calpol and water and put her into our bed. At 6 I woke dh to ask him to get up with her as I had hardly slept.. He outright refused . Said he felt rough and couldn't afford to be sick (referring to work) and didn't care if it made him a prick he was going back to sleep.

I'm downstairs with her now. I'm stunned. I feel like I never ever get put anywhere near his list, never mind the top of it. This is the latest in a long line of my needs not counting. Am raging! AIBU? What do I do now

[Binkyridesagain]

My DH has worked shifts, worked away from home and has been self employed, some times he's done all 3 at the same time. He has never used it as an excuse to not help with raising OUR children.

[ubik]

"Men do not think like us,even if they pretend to be 'feminists'. "


you are on the wind-up - but in case you aren't - they are his children too - he decided to have them, he has to help with the childcare. And yes women used to care for many, many children, domestic work was hard physical labour, but women died young, some died of exhaustion. I'd hope in 2013 we would have moved on somewhat..

[TantrumsAndBalloons]

"men do not think like us" is not an excuse for men to be utter wankers.

If your dh doesnt think like you, like he should actually have a part in raising his children and helping the woman he loves then tell him

if he still doesnt think like that he is a wanker. Simple.

[DreamsTurnToGoldDust]

wow, the goaders are out in force today

Im sorry OP it sounds really tough for you and your d`h was out of order this morning. For today I can only suggest what the others have said, duvet day and definately no housework or cooking dinner tonight, and straight to bed when he gets in, dont give him chance to argue about it. Once youve had a good nights sleep then you really need to discuss him being more proactive with the children when hes home, and you really do need one lie in each weekend. He needs to understand that its not just for you its for him aswell, he needs his own relationship with the children and that happens when he has his own time with them, alone.

for you.

[MrsHoarder]

Vivienne if the OP gets properly ill (stuck in bed/hospital) from never getting enough sleep then her DP will have a bigger problem with 3 DCs needing 24 hour care. The occasional hour can help with that.

[Fleecyslippers]

OP I stopped readingt he thread at about page 3 because the attitudes of some posters just make me sick.
I had 3 kids under 3, the most selfish prick of a husband ever and I ended up on my knees with sleep deprivation. (He was an abusive arse in general and ended up fucking his secretary because I was so bloody dead on my feet with sleep deprivation - no doubt there would be posters on this thread who would justify that as well )
I totally get your despair. I totally get your frustration. I totally get the total desperation for a few hours sleep. I understand. And it stinks. Because when he made his vows to you, they didn't include a get out clause for him to be a selfish prick when the going got tough.
And it probably doesn't help a bit to tell you that this won't last for ever. because right now the sheer exhaustion is a killer

[NoelHeadbands]

Noel - replaced with what?

Jam and chocolate spread sandwiches

[SayCoolNowSayWhip]

Just as I suspected. A true architectural genius.

[ubik]

i think we can cope with a thread without continually running to teacher mumsnet HQ, eh?

[idshagphilspencer]

Yeh course arse ache

[idshagphilspencer]

The OP wanted help and loads of people did that an then the fuckers piled in on someone who clearly had a gutsful but hey this is AIBU so pile away who cares eh

[TranceDaemon]

Not read the whole thread but good to see the defenders of the poor Menz out in force...

OP yes, YASNBU, your 'D' H is a selfish twat. Gather your strength and kick his arse. Being self employed or even having a full time job does NOT give anyone licence to treat their partner with all the respect given to a fucking APPLIANCE!

[Fisharefriendsnotfood]

Dd got antibiotic for throat and is asleep on couch. Ds (3) has diarrhoea and has shit himself. I feel like throwing myself off a cliff.

Dh came home while I took dd to dr so thankfully didn't have to drag all. 3 out and made an effort to tidy up while here. He did apologise for this morning and said we will work through it etc but I think he isn't really that sorry just doesn't want to make life harder for himself by having an atmosphere etc.

Bottom line is he still thinks he was more entitled to that hours sleep than I was. I disagree.

[KateSMumsnet]

Could we remind you to please keep your posts within our talk guidelines, or they will be removed. We'd like to remind you that Mumsnet is ultimately a place to support one another.

OP, we hope you're DCs get better soon.

[StuntGirl]

I'm sorry your husband has behaved like an arse OP, and I'm even more sorry that your thread was derailed like this.

I can't remember who suggested a discussion (bohemian maybe?) but I would do as she suggested. You are both tired and you both need to get some sleep. It would probably not be enough for either of you until they're 18 older but both getting some is better than one getting none. Your husband needs to realise this.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Fish, over the next few days, do a bit of research. Just so you actually have the facts handy WRT what would happen if you left your H or threw him out.
Then sit him down and tell him that you are not prepared to carry on living like this, and that he either starts pulling his weight or the marriage is over. Outline to him what will happen (eg who will move out, how often he will see the DC, how much he will have to pay you as maintenance) and give him a time limit to improve his behaviour. Remember that he is not your boss or your owner, and that you have every right to make decisions for yourself and call him up on poor behaviour. Some men are happy enough to take advantage of a culture that still considers that the one with the penis is the boss of the household and must be indulged and obeyed but will do their share once it's pointed out to them that they are not gods; other men can't actually free themselves of the idea that women are facilities, not people.

[OhChristHasRisenFENTON]

Oh Fish, that's all you need - another sick child.

I'm glad to here he's been helpful today although it's a same you feel his apology is empty.

Hope the children are on the mend soon.

[ubik]

You are both tired and raw. Op - forget about this morning, it's small beer in the scheme of things, yes he behaved badly but we are all capable of being selfish when it comes to sleep.

You both need a rota/ system. And you need to stick to it. Are you able to get some to yourself? If you have a lie-in at weekends, do you have another few hours to do something for yourself?
DO NOT be a martyr(am not suggesting you are rt now, but do not slide in to it)
You are a partnership and you both need to start discussing how to make this work for both of you. Forget about this morning, it's not important, what's important is how you move on from here.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

I would start having some early nights and leaving your DH to do evening duty. I doubt you have the energy to have a proper discussion with him on a contentious point at the moment. Just go to bed and leave him to it, if expects you to wake up and deal with the children when he is still up then he is being a prize arse and I'll happily pop around there and tell him so, if you are too tired to do so!

[ScrambledSmegs]

Fish, I guess you really do have to have that talk with him. As dreamingbohemian and SGB have said, it really needs to be of the 'I can do it without you, and I'll get some sleep one weekend a fortnight too, so are you going to step up and be a parent?' variety.

Don't let him pay lip service to you. He may work long hours, but he wouldn't be able to if you didn't facilitate that.

[dreamingbohemian]

Oh no, so sorry to hear that OP.

I do really suggest having a discussion at a calmer time about sleep as a practical problem -- there is only so much of it available and you need a better division between the two of you, otherwise you will all be worse off.

He needs to understand that his short-term selfishness (e.g., taking that extra hour this morning) is creating the risk of a much bigger long-term problem (i.e., you become seriously ill and he has to step up in a much bigger way). At the moment he's only seeing this as your problem.

Try to work out a proper plan that allows you more sleep. Spend whatever you can on extra childcare if that would help.

And see if he can scale back his trip this weekend, even by a day or two, and give you a day off.

[ubik]

Also, he has come home, he is showing willingness to discuss the situation and move on from there - see this as a business meeting, it is the business of the two of you running your family.

Also in terms of trade shows - can he just fly out for a day? Does he have to be there for the whole time? Can he organise his time better to allow a few days together as a family?