I'm raging at the selfishness of it..

[Fisharefriendsnotfood]

We have 3 dc.. 5,3 and 5 months. Sleep is really really scare at the moment. Dc3 still feeds at least twice through the night and dc1 and 2 have both had endless colds/illnesses.. I am sahm, dh owes and runs own business.

I'm so angry right now. We went to bed early as wrecked from night before, dc1 woke with tonsillitis when we were going to bed, crying when swallowing etc. finally settled them at about 10.30 and went to sleep. Dc3 was up at 11.30, 2, 4.30 and 5. Dc2 woke once as fell out of bed. Dc1 woke once and got up when I was feeding dc3 at 5.

She was burning with fever, crying, miserable poor thing. Gave her calpol and water and put her into our bed. At 6 I woke dh to ask him to get up with her as I had hardly slept.. He outright refused . Said he felt rough and couldn't afford to be sick (referring to work) and didn't care if it made him a prick he was going back to sleep.

I'm downstairs with her now. I'm stunned. I feel like I never ever get put anywhere near his list, never mind the top of it. This is the latest in a long line of my needs not counting. Am raging! AIBU? What do I do now

[TheOrchardKeeper]

Also...I bet if he did a couple of days of the childcare by himself he wouldn't be so dismissive. It feels worse than it looks most of the time!

Don't pretend you're coping better than you are to him or sugarcoat things. You both chose to have children & unfortunately they aren't compatible with the 'i'll only do it when it's good for me' style of parenting...

[TheOrchardKeeper]

No one'll flame you! Pretty sure everyone; felt like that at least once when the kids were small! (However much help they were getting).

He needs to know you feel that way, really know it.

[allnewtaketwo]

Expressing an opinion is not the same thing as accusing a woman who is clearly on her knees of "wailing"

[Sirzy]

Does your 3 year old get the 15 hours free childcare yet? Would you consider putting the baby into nursery/childminder for one day a week? At least that way you get some time for yourself where you can sleep/do your hair or whatever else you need at that point?

[Creameggkr]

Lots of us working mums often have to work after a bad night with dc don't we? Is it just the menz who need their precious sleep?

[allnewtaketwo]

Fish can you afford by any chance for someone to help you out with the children, even occasionally? in the same way that your DH can afford a night on the lash

[Creameggkr]

orchard hit the nail on the head.
My dh shares childcare with me and so totally understands that being at home is not the easy option.

[allnewtaketwo]

I was working when DS was 8 mths and bf at night. He woke up every 40 mins (that's a whole other story). But I still had to bet up for work the next day. DH helped out loads too. Your DH needs to pitch in, regardless of work.

[Creameggkr]

Exactly allnew

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

As a Dad he should be helping. You are both their parents.

[INeedThatForkOff]

It's not gang up on Holly day.

She's big enough to dish it out (as always) so I'm sure she can take it.

Wow, there are some patronising suggestions here. Get him up so she can go to bed, Mummy? Did you read the OP?

Sympathies OP. I'm on ML at the moment but being at work is a whole lot easier (apart from the ongoing sleep deprivation ). YANBU to think it shouldn't have been a problem for him to give you one hour. Get through the day as best you can, don't do anything for his benefit, then get to bed at the earliest opportunity. He can sort him fucking self out.

Are there any arrangements you can make to make the rest of the week more bearable?

[TheOrchardKeeper]

I remember wishing I could work at the time...I'd be knackered but it would be a break from having a tiny baby that I was solely responsible for. (I loved him but I was desperately tired).

If my exp had stuck around he'd have had to help or bugger off. Why feel like a single parent when you're not?

Have a chat with him & explain the 'realities' of it as best you can. It doesn't need to get nasty but he needs to show a little more empathy & respect to the mother of his children who's splitting at the seams by the sounds of it.

Hope you're feeling ok

[TheOrchardKeeper]

(I only had one by the way & didn't have to cook a man's meals or tidy up after him etc so I can't imagine how tired you must be. Hope you can sort this out & get some very well deserved rest)

[SJisontheway]

YANBU. I feel sorry for the posters who are telling op to suck it up. They can't have much self respect if they feel its the woman's role to sacrifice her health and wellbeing so that the bread winning man is never put out.
He is out of order op. I hope you can talk it through. Prolonged sleep deprivation is soul destroying. Its unacceptable that he is willing to let you constantly shoulder the burden by yourself.

[glitch]

Can you take yourself off to a hotel for a couple of nights when he gets back from his trip.away and leave him with the kids? Sounds like you need a total break.

[YellowDinosaur]

I head a friend in this situation - driven to the brink with exhaustion and a 'partner' who used his job as an excuse not to help during the night.

She says to him 'carry on like this and I might as well leave you. Because you're doing nothing to help me at the moment and at least as a single Mum I'd get every other weekend off when the kids are with you'

He realised she meant it. He helped

[TheOrchardKeeper]

Didn't want to sound like a bitter lp but I agree with yellow

You've taken it up until now so why would you leave? - He's been able to do the minimum/nothing at night so has no need to change his attitude and pull his finger out

[BalloonSlayer]

I think I might recommend saying:

"I know you have a business to run but I was asking you to get up ONE HOUR earlier to help me look after OUR child. David Cameron is a heartless Tory twat who doesn't give a shit about the poor and needy, plus he has a COUNTRY to run, and even he took his turn at looking after his sick child."

If your DH is a raging Tory, substitute with Gordon Brown or Tony Blair.

Sorry for what you are going through Fish. It does get better. Mine are 12,11 and 5 now and the older ones won't get out of bed before 10am now. Never thought I'd see the day!

[MamaBear17]

Take it from me - if you stop doing all of his washing/cooking/cleaning etc it WILL work. I did this with my hubby when we first moved in together and he was under the impression that, like his mother, I would pick up after him and do all of the cleaning without complaint. To be fair, I did do all of the cleaning without complaint for the first few months, it was my very first home and I wanted to keep it nice. But, when hubby started taking me for granted, complaining when I hadn't had time to make him dinner (because I had walked in from work two minutes before him), messing up the apartment after I had cleaned it and not understanding 'what my problem was', refusing to wash up because 'why should he?'. I went on strike. I stopped doing everything. It took one week before he apologised. We talked and agreed to split the chores. You need to make him see how unreasonable he is being. He should have been up in the night with the children who were poorly. I understand he cant breastfeed a baby, but he can administer calpol and cuddle an older child to sleep.

[DirigiblePlum]

I have nothing constructive to add but I know that sleep deprivation is a form of torture. I have been there. Here is a and I wish you a much much better night. Roll on Spring and sunshine...

[ClaireDeTamble]

When I went back to work full time dd2 was 9 months old and still bf. She was a crap sleeper and still waking at least two or three times in the night for a feed.

She woke at 5 'for the day' and after she had a feed my self-employed dh (who has to do a lot of driving) would take her downstairs at 5:30 so I could sleep. Every morning.

In fact thinking about it, he used to do this when I was on maternity leave as well.

So OP YANBU. Tell the arse to get up tomorrow or you'll not be doing anything for him in future.

[MummyNoName]

Is he up now fish?
How are you getting on?