To be frustrated and angry that women are still expected to be the "emotion keepers" in families.

[seeker]

And if we don't stop doing it, our daughters will still be thinking they are responsible for "keeping men sweet" in 30 years time?

The OP has broad shoulders!

The OP also directs posters to any thread about how to get men to wash up. Or not be short tempered with children. Or to remember birthdays and Mother's Day.

For starters.

I think this is interesting, seeker. I hope the thread continues. For me, it's that I have those emotion-soothing skills in quantity, and so I've become accustomed to using them - but it does mean that I can sometimes take on an enabling role.

I know seeker :)

Why would the thread not continue? I'm not reporting anyone or linking to other threads or anything. And the goading accusation is bizarre.

"Actually, quite often the person moaning is told that the problem is her own fault!"

Not from me they don't.

I am writing this as DH washes up the lunch things. I can't see any personal attacks. Seeker could have posted on feminist chat if she wanted a cosy agreement.

DH is definitely the emotion soother in our house. He's naturally a very calm, stable person, whereas I suffer on and off with anxiety issues. One partner in a relationship does sometimes seem to take on that role, but I've never thought of it as gendered. More personality type. In fact amongst the couples I can think of its more often the man.

Every thread I've ever read about an abusive relationshio has some twat saying 'well I think you could do more to help the situation so your h wouldn't need to threaten/abuse/control you'
Yesterday I read an account of a trial where a man who strangled his partner in front of their baby, using a dressing gown cord and then switching to an electric flex when the cord wasn't quick enough. He was told that his partners threats to leave him, taking her child with her, were provocation enough for that violence.
And people are complaining that the OP hasn't hedged her post around with conditionals.

Well here's some for you: some women have happy, equal relationships. Sone don't. Some women are married to such abusive shitbags and suffer such horror that it would make your hair curl just to read about it.

ALL women want to be happy, ALL women are capable of decieving themselve about their situation, ALL women may at some time or other need to stand alongside someone having a shit time and tell them it's not tehir fault.

So everybody commenting on this thread, lambasting the OP and saying what a super time they're having - good for you. Open your eyes and look around and I guarantee you there's a woman somewhere near you who isn't having a good time and you should be aware of that enough to help her.

Absolutely, exoticfruits. I don't consider the suggestion that I am bitter and twisted and jealous of people in relationships with men personal attacks. I find it fits my "crone" persona nicely!

If Mumsnet represents real life the following statistics on Uk population are true.

97% of the UK population are woman.
50% are sahms.
48% went to Oxbridge.
53% are vegetarians
56% of children go to private school.
78% of the population live in the South.
1% shop in Greggs.

But 78% of statistics are incorrect.

I missed that one seeker!

I kind of see where you're coming from seeker but on the flipside of that, I imagine that many women, whilst complaining and feeling hard done by by that self-selected role, would actually hate it if there were others in the family who could do the job just as well. There are plenty of threads that I read on MN where the mother perceives and behaves as if she's 'in charge'. From those threads, it's quite evident that some take pride in that perceived leadership of the family. What you're saying you're angry about would take that role away from them were they to relinquish it.

I think that male and female emotions are different; that's hard-wired and whilst either gender can try to make themselves 'more like' the other, it would be a constant effort. I think many house-sharing adults, in partnerships or otherwise, play to their strengths and find it works for them. The only time it doesn't work is when one takes on a role that the other feels should be shared or if there is a role nobody wants but must be done by somebody.

I just can't get worked up about what other people do in their own lives. It's a little bit patronising too to presume that one is an arbiter of how other people should think and behave. I saw a post on FWR board about blue and red pilll and it made me cringe. How arrogant.

I'd just direct anyone to go and read Wifework, myself. Fairly straightforward, fairly recent analysis of how we're still conforming to gender stereotypes laid out decades ago by our grandparents, or our grandparents' grandparents.

Seeker, I think you make a good point - or several good ones - but something in the way the original post was despatched has angered the vipers. I bet if it had been written differently (not sure how but just differently) the response would've been much more agreeable.

Interesting. I've not read the thread yet, but I'm not sure whether we are 'expected' to do it necessarily, or whether it is a just a default setting for many women. I know it is certainly the case in my own marriage/family. I tend to try to manage/minimize problems and issues with the DCs because I worry that if a big row blows up between DH and them, or if something worrying happens it will all get out of control, or that he will not deal well with the stress. He is less good in a crisis than me I think.

But I am sure there are plenty of people with nightmare 'short fuse' or 'drama llama' mothers or sisters, and fathers/brothers who are the smoother-overers, to disagree with you!

Northern

Would that be the thread where the woman had been abusing her husband?
Or are we ignoring that bit?

I would agree with LyingWitchInTheWardrobe. I think that much more common. Many women take it upon themselves to be in charge of 'their' kitchen etc to the extent that MIL gets it in the neck if she decides to do something sensible like bring in the washing because it is about to rain!
You have to treat the man as equal. e.g. if I am ironing and he didn't like my ironing I would say 'you do it then' there is no way that I am ironing to someone else's specifications-yet women are prone to 'tut' and take over and then say he did it on purpose. DH does more ironing than I do-it is much superior-I am not a perfectionist-it is 'good enough'. If he is looking after the baby he can do it his way-he doesn't need instructions about his own child.

Utter rubbish.emotion keepers?have you been reading wimmin are goddesses self help
I keep no man sweet I'm not that servile.if one us so cowed one needs to grow a backbone
I deplore this stereotypical us women put upon by the male takers. So don't be a doormat

Sorry, I've realised I have made my DH sounds like an ogre in that post. I didn't mean to imply that he would get the belt out in moments of stress. He doesn't.

THere are threads on here from women who are being abused by their partners, and who have been told by friends and family to minimize it, ignore it, be a 'better wife', etc. There are threads from women whose attempts to make their male partners pull their weight domestically are constantly undermined by other people on the grounds that men shouldn't have to do domestic work, that they are no good at it, that the man 'works hard' even when he sits in an office pulling his plonker all day. There's also the stuff one hears in RL conversations: oh well at least he doesn't beat you.... You should learn how to 'manage him' better... Men are like that, though... Let me tell you dear, a man needs to be the boss in his own home. Etc.

Don't forget that two women a week are murdered by their partners or ex partners. That statistics show that married men are the happiest class of people, but single women are happier than either married women or single men.

Your partner may be a nice, lovable, fair-minded man who treats you well and does his share of housework and childcare. Jolly good. Smashing. Lucky you. It may even be true that you have actively sought out a man like that and refused to settle for a loser or an abuser, in which case well done.
But it's not 'man-hating' to attack male privilege and point out that men are not more important or more special than women, and should be expected to behave decently and do their share of work, is it?

I think our opinions on gender roles (or anything for that matter) are reflective of our own personal experiences, you can't project that as everybody else's reality because it isn't. I've never felt remotely inclined to indulge anyone's emotions.

Purrpurr... but something in the way the original post was despatched has angered the vipers.

Why did you post that? Do you usually post on AIBU? Participate in any discussions here or did you just follow the FWR crowd to poke fun at the 'plebs' here? Any valid point that you might have made is negated by your pointless jibing. What a productive time you're having...

Circumstance,personality,culture,upbringing all determine how we manage emotions
Not all women are emotionally caoeavble not all men are emotionally incapable
One can moderate and adjust ones emotions and behaviour it's not genetically predetermined

Boneyback - I believe we are talking about the same case yes. The one where his defence claimed she had so belittled him that anybody would have made a murderous assault. The one where he was away from the home and came back to it to assault her. The one where she begged him not to kill her. That one yes?