To be upset at a silly comment on fb

[skyblue11]

Cut a long story short DH is in New Zealand for his sisters wedding, it's really hot there, I have SAD, love sunshine and I posted pics on fb for him to see the snow my SIL said ' and today in NZ it will be scorchio' I commented 'thanks I feel so much better now' I just think she's really insensitive. My DH said she's not and if I carry on I'll make him have a shit time.

bootsy - I, on the other hand, try to look past what an OP is saying. People, whether intentionally or not, always paint themselves as the innocent victim.

Mtsgroupie are you op dh family btw! My dh would never want to go to family events without me especially something as big as going halfway round the world. It's not the holiday as such but generally on an everyday basis op dh does not show her much respect, and dies not consider her an important part of his life, and undermines her and her feelings. He does not defend her to his amity and appears to show little or no support. It's not the holiday but the way the op dh dealt with it

Mts you have to take things at face value here, there are a lot of wankers about

Oh My some people stayed up late around here! I was surprised to see a lot more comments this morning.

MTS just because I don't have a healthy relationship with DH or IL's doesn't make it OK for them to ride roughshod over my feelings.

Maryz thank you, as always for putting everything so succinctly, at first I thought any one wouldn't want to stop their OH missing out it would be mean but it's about the fact he's not willing to put up a fight or is missing us that has made me think that he doesn't care. If I had said no he would have been really mardy about it, but I didn't want to do that I wanted him to make that decision for himself and think, 'actually no this isn't right' but he didn't. It annoys me that he won't stand up to FIL. When they left FIL walked in said 'oh hello' like he didn't expect me to be there then he took his suitcase and didn't come back for a chat, he's really rude anyway. If he ever phones here (which is rare he always calls DH at work) he says straight away is * there? Not Oh Hi Sky, how are you, hows work etc, no chit chat just direct and rude, so rude.

bootsy good comment about my brother, however we are on the second lot of care providers, it's a long story so I won't bore you with that!

Another thing which worried me was my DD's reaction. She said if it were her then she would go she couldn't miss out on something like that, I thought that was really selfish of her but it could be her thinking from a 17 year olds point of view. I just thought OMG she thinks like he does and I felt dismayed with her.

I'm kind of looking at this as a 'trial separation' to test my feeling out...I wished I could say I was missing him.

As kids whenever we attended family occasions like weddings and stuff the evening would inevitably end with my mum in the car ride home criticising my Dad. He shouldn't have made that joke to Uncle x. He was speaking too loud. He monopolized the conversation with y. He shouldn't have expressed that particular view in front of z. After a while the poor man made a point of disappearing off to the bar for guy 'bonding' at such occasions.

If my mum was on AIBU no doubt she would paint a picture of a twat of a husband that often dumps her at weddings and goes drinking with mates.

Like I said, I like to look past what the OP what is saying.

MTS well I'd be interested to know what it is you see if you 'look past'.
I don't want to put him down, what'd be the point in painting a picture of him to be a twat when in reality he wasn't I wouldn't be getting the right picture put across would I?

Generally he's thoughtful around Christmas, birthdays etc and to meet him you'd think he was a nice guy of course. Some things about him I don't like, for example if he's cutting the grass outside he would moan about it and expect me to join him outside, yet if I am cleaning round the house then he wouldn't join in.

Let me give you an example, I currently work 30 hours a week (5 x 6 hours) I have decided to change to 4 x 7.5 as I think it would be better for me, (I also support ageing Mum as well as brother) I got the comment 'so you'd be having a day off then?' which wasn't nice then I figured it was because he won't have his tea on the table every night and might just have to cook! What do you make of that MTS is that a supportive husband or is it me being a slacker?

There is a difference between you sitting in the garden, reading a magazine and keeping DH company and having DH follow you around room to room while you clean the toilet and the shower. Or are you complaining about how you help cut the grass but he doesn't help with the cleaning?

Anyway, I am not passing judgment on whether your DH is a good or bad husband. I am merely saying that YABU for being pissed off because a FIL that you don't get on with didn't offer to pay for you to go on an expensive holiday.

sky don't be fretting about your daughter saying that she would go if she was offered. She's 17, she doesn't have any dependants or adult responsibilities to consider and im presuming you wouldn't begrudge her the experience if they had offered her the opportunity. It's really odd that your il's aren't bothered about having a close relationship with your dd, did your DH not consider sending dd on the trip instead of himself? Or did he just say yes please and accept?.

MTS when I 'look past' what op is saying I feel that the point she's trying to make is her DH expects too much of her, takes her for granted, doesn't pull his weight with sharing domestic chores, when he does do a chore assigned to him he doesn't just get on with it he complains and tries to get op to help him while if she's doing a chore assigned to her he'd just let her get on with it. Basically he doesn't make things easier for her by sharing the load except when she's in absolute dire need and on the verge of a total melt down he'll step up and help with op's brother. He doesn't put op and dd first ever, he always puts himself first. He doesn't care too much if op and dd haven't been able to have a holiday as long as he's had his getaway. It's all about him really and op is tired of putting up with his shit.

bootsy - With DP and I all chores are shared. However my SIL believes in guys and gals chores. DB is expected to take sole charge of jobs like cutting the grass, cleaning the car, doing household paperwork, paying bills and taking out the rubbish. On the other hand SIL expects DB to help with cleaning or fold while she irons or dry while she washes the dinner stuff or ... or ....

If my SIL were to post about her chores situation here on MN she would sound very much like the OP.

Anyway, my BU 'judgement' was directed at the FIL air fare and FB posting thing which was that she is BU to expect a FIL that she doesn't get on with to pay for her to go on an expensive holiday. As for the FB thing, people rib each other all the time . In the days before FB people would send postcards of sunny beaches to people back home in rain soaked UK with similar messages.

MTS (facepalm emoticon) I'll wait for sky to explain in her own terms about the gardening chore example.

The op is upset because her fil offered to buy her dh a plane ticket in first class that for the same ticket price could have paid for economy seats for her, dh and dd. OP wasn't happy about her and dd being left out but didn't want to say no to her dh, she wanted him to think of her and dd and come to the conclusion of the economy flight tickets for all 3 of them and ask fil if they could do the economy tickets as an alternative to his first class ticket because they are meant to be having a family holiday this year since op and dd haven't had a holiday for a few years. They have enough in their family holiday fund to pay for the spends for all 3 of them in NZ for 3 weeks 3 days but not enough money for 3 return flights as well. Fil is paying for a first class return flight to NZ, he is not funding the flight and holiday spends.

As for the FB sky gets pissed off at the fabulous weather updates but can deal with it, it feels like their rubbing her nose in it but hey ho she can fold the screen down and avoid. She's pissed off because she's snowed in, not feeling fantastic due to SAD and having to walk miles to work not feeling well but if she has a moan to her dh about the crappiness she gets a "stop ruining my holiday, your making me miserable" kind of reply. You can't compare a holiday postcard to fb, people would make an effort to send a postcard to loved ones to let them know that their enjoying themselves etc and sign off with the Judith Chalmers 'wish you were here'. A fb status is by no means personal it's there for all 'friends' to see, it takes no effort, it's instant and to be honest status updates about 'going on honeymoon with my brother' why would her Sil post that if not to rub op's nose in it? It makes her sound like she's having an incestual honeymoon ffs! [bugrin]

This is going round and round so one more time before I hit the HIDE button.

The FIL wanted company on the plane trip. The FIL didn't want to be on his own at all the festivities when everyone had a partner. So he offered to pay for his son to go with him. The purpose behind the gesture was not to provide the OP with a free holiday.

Think you are going over the top.

If I were you OP, I'd book that mini cruise for you and DD today. I'd then be tempted to post a hideously passive aggressive status on FB tagging your DH saying 'Just booked a lovely girly mini cruise for me and DD! Thanks to DH (tagged) for agreeing before he went to NZ that we could have mum and DD time together later in the year, can't wait for some sun at last and DD is thrilled to get a holiday this year!'

It would serve him right, the selfish ball bag.

Really it's not about the holiday it goes deeper than that, op is understandably unhappy that she feels insignificant to him and he disregards her and disrespects her as his wife. This seems lie this has been happening for a while, but how he has treated her over the holiday has brought this to light.

He does not seem bothered about opals does not seem to care. Yes sky go on that holiday you deserve it!

Meant op not opals doh

MTS op didn't expect her fil to offer to pay for tickets for her and dd.

Op wanted her dh to think 'thanks dad, very generous offer but I have to think about sky and dd, we're planning a family holiday for the 3 of us this year, it's been a few years since sky and dd have had a holiday despite me managing to getaway for a few breaks without them so a first class ticket for me? Sorry dad I couldn't possibly accept, it wouldn't be fair on sky and dd. Unless wow dad here's an alternative that could keep everyone happy you could for the same price of 1 first class return ticket buy 3 economy class return tickets so we could all enjoy sisters wedding and family holiday? The 24 hour journey is just logistics and it's really not a big deal considering well get 3 whole weeks and 3 days together enjoying ourselves'

It's stating the obvious that the fils purpose behind the gesture wasn't to provide a free holiday to op. op simply wants to get back out of her relationship what she puts in, she wants to be treated with consideration and for her dh to put her and dd before himself sometimes.

sky how are you today? Are you any closer to booking yours and dd's holiday?

Wonder if the Fil even gives a shit about the fall out to his son's marriage by his weird need for company for a bloody 24 hr flight, a good part of which he will be lying down sleeping, does he need a carer or something. Will your Dh be wiping his bum for him as well.

Hi bootsy bless you!

You put it all so succinctly above, that's exactly how it is, my best friend still can't believe he's gone and left us.
People are actually shocked when they ask are you missing him and I truthfully say no.
Yeah not bad today, had no contact due to him being on their 'honeymoon' he said he couldn't go on fb, I note he's posting pics of his niece on there though.

Re the mini cruise, I just wanted to check with the coach company they had seats otherwise I can't get to the port, they are closed today, I think tomorrow when they are open I will check and then make the booking with the cruise operator. Seems a bit scary though and an action which I'm sure will have repercussions! I am hoping the price is the same price as the other day as it had gone down by £48!

Begonia, I have no idea why he needed him at his side but I am sure my DH wanted to fly business class anyway, he likes anything like that, thinking he's something he isn't!
His parents did say ages ago we wouldn't want it to cause a rift or anything if just you go....they recognise my feeling of exclusion but don't care.

I'm really rooting for you getting this cruise booked sky [busmile]

He's being massively passive/aggressive telling you that he's too busy on honeymoon to go on fb to talk to you but having the time to upload pics of his niece, funny onion.

Do you think that he's being a massive twat so that you'll call time out on the marriage and he'll be the 'blameless' party that gets all the sympathy?

By the way he's behaving he's definitely playing with you. What do you think the repercussions from him will be if you book the cruise tomorrow? Will it all be verbal tantruming and sulking its not fair on me type shite?.

I just think he'll be really mardy about it, sulking and making jibes...and unhelpful.

Be surprised if he'd call time out as he's not wanting that at all, he likes his life as it is!

Repercussions my left foot you go on it. His actions have repercussions did he care, did he hell. Start putting yourself first instead of worrying about him

I bet he lies life as it is ecause he's alright jack isn't he!

So he would be behaving li a silly little child as you dared go on holiday and enjoy yoursef