To be upset at a silly comment on fb

[skyblue11]

Cut a long story short DH is in New Zealand for his sisters wedding, it's really hot there, I have SAD, love sunshine and I posted pics on fb for him to see the snow my SIL said ' and today in NZ it will be scorchio' I commented 'thanks I feel so much better now' I just think she's really insensitive. My DH said she's not and if I carry on I'll make him have a shit time.

Boosty....TBH I am not missing him, our intimate relationship leaves a lot to be desired anyhow, the house is tidier, quieter and calmer and I am liking it like my DD.

Sky, I have read most of your threads & I can't shake my sadness for you.

Because although I should be angry at your tosser of a husband - it's clear way he's like and it no longer surprises me.
I'm sad because you value yourself so little, you know how he speaks to you is manipulative & controlling, you know how he treats you and your child is disgraceful & selfish and yet you're hoping that put up & shut up will buy you a quiet life.

It's not working is it?
I can empathise with having a rubbish family, health issues & stress & coupled with 20 years of letting him into your head but how much energy is forcibly leeched from you when dealing with shit like this? You know it won't be the last time he will voluntarily throw you both under the bus if your mere existence (let alone having needs & wants of your own) gets in the way of him doing exactly what he wants regardless if you can afford it.

You don't have to live your life by his rules. Your daughter deserves her own determination - she is excluded by her own family, is disregarded by her father - everyone deserves better than that.
Why do you feel the responsibility to keep this going? Being the one that enables his shitty, shitty choices by dealing with the stresses of budgeting & being left behind?
Freedom, being single, is better than trying to breathe life into 17 stone of dead weight. By the way he acts it sounds like you are the only one willing to sustain a marriage - his actions don't say husband to me...not by a very long way.

I think you know what you need to do sky, it might not be convenient or easy but I think you and dd would be so much more happier and settled in the long run without him. In the nicest possible way if you act like a doormat, don't be surprised when somebody wipes their shitty shoes on you. Just because you've shared 20 years of your lives together doesn't mean that you have to sign up for more of the same.

Is there enough love there to have it out with him, lay your cards on the table and both try to make a go of it or are you flogging a dead horse?. You are strong enough to deal with this, you really need to use this time to sort your head out and think about what you want out of life, you need to put yourself and dd first because nobody else will

Totally when I talk to people at work about it, they don't see him as being selfish, in fact DH pointed out to me it was a 'trip of a lifetime' and he 'wanted my blessing' to have stopped him going would have caused much resentment and anger from him. Others have said to me it is his sisters wedding why would you not want him to go, his dad's paying but of course it's much more complex than that.

I didn't realise until I read threads on here just maybe how oppressed I am. I think if he were to read what I was writing he would be mortified and wouldn't have gone. He would be lost without me but I would be OK cos I've done it before, it wasn't easy but I did it. I am always the one in the family who puts themselves last after everyone else, maybe it's time that changed and I have some fun too.

He surely can't love me any more can he? I doubt he ever did if I look back, he does what he thinks is right buys presents etc plays his part on the surface but he's never been in love with me passionately I know that for sure, he'd argue that to keep me though.

I suppose I've done what a lots of people do, stay together for the sake of DD not upset the balance for her, he's very emotionally unstable, been on antidepressants for 10 years, won't come off them, he has issues and it would break him if we parted, I suppose that's another reason I've not wanted to upset him he wouldn't cope.

His good points are that he's very good with my disabled brother steps in when I can't handle his issues, takes the strain. I'm trying to think of other points here but faiing!

DD won't be at home much longer and I then have lots to think about and possibly break free how I don't know.

I think sky, you have to do what you know will make you happy. Whichever way that decision leans.

There are some lovely people on here, it's great to get perspectives of others thanks stuntgirl cupcake bootsy and totally

It doesn't matter if the people at work don't think he's selfish for going on his trip of a lifetime, it doesn't affect them or their dc and they don't have to live with the twat and all his issues. Would have been nice if he'd have thanked his dad for the opportunity and the free ticket but insisted that you and dd were included in this big family occasion rather than just laying a guilt trip on you before pissing off for nearly a month.

He might be lost without you for a bit but ultimately he's an adult whose responsible for his own destiny, he wouldn't drop dead of a nervous breakdown if you called it a day. Harsh as it sounds but life goes on and yours is going to pass you by if you don't grab it with both hands and take charge.

bootsy I suppose if he's man enough to make the decision to go to the other side of the world and choose to ignore me then it mightn't be so hard on him.

I really want to give you a huge hug, you're so lovely.

As to the people at work - yes, this is true but only in isolation. It is not a one off behaviour though is it?
If my dh had been in the same position he would have said I'd love to come, how can we sort out more tickets?
If there was only one, exchangeable, ticket & no money for more then he would have asked me & I trust he would have followed through on my answer. I would have said yes, go & enjoy, because in every other way, every day he is there doing the spade work right beside me, but had I said no then no it would be. Same in my case - I don't do things according to his law but I will canvas his opinion because I know he will approach things with our best interests at heart not his own, not mine but all of us.

This is a reasonable expectation in an equal marriage - you meet together in the middle for the good of the family. He just doesn't give that to you.
I very much agree with Bootsy, she's talking a lot of sense.
You have taken on the responsibility of his feelings & expectations - truth is though if he's bound to misery then separation will just be grist to the mill, trying to get him to recognise & value you & your DD does not have such concrete results, I find it hard to foresee a sudden change in his attitude. After all, he has to want it to make it happen.
And I say that as a person with MH ishoos. Depression is not code for 'treating people like shit and being miserable' syndrome.

There is also nothing at all stopping you from making a choice, today, that you will start looking out for your own interests & living your own life, this is not a privilege reserved for your H.
Just get good at answering back -
He says 'is this your way of getting back at me?' You say 'if you haven't done anything wrong why would I be trying to get back at you? You're purely ensuring you & DD get the same quality of life as he is'. He turns it on you? Well turn it right back, he can try & make you feel unsure but you are the only one on solid ground.

I wonder how keen he will be once you are no longer his chief cook & bottle washer?

Exactly, he's not a baby. He sounds totally self centred and very emotionally controlling. As for his good points, well point, I'm not being awful but him being kind and helpful to your disabled brother and helping out when your at absolute breaking point is a service that you could actually pay by the hour for from a suitable organisation.

Thank you all again, totally I take on everything you say and will read your valuable post again tomorrow, I am going to bed now to sleep on things. x

I can't believe that people are pissed off with the FIL for not buying the OP and her teenage DD a plane ticket each. It's his money to do as he sees fit.

People are pissed off because the fil acknowledged that op and her dd were being excluded from a family occasion and holiday of a lifetime, commented that it mustn't feel very nice and then ho hum left it at that when he could have for the same price of the business class ticket he'd paid for his ds paid for all 3 of their flights. Yes we know he's under no obligations and that he can spend his money on what he wants but it's a no brainier really. Have you actually read the thread?

Yes I have.

And you can't see how that pisses people off?

The DS wasn't invited originally. The invite was only made when his wife couldn't go and the FIL wanted company on the flight.

He clearly wants the DS with him for selfish reasons so it's a bit silly to expect the guy to pay for three economy tickets while he sat alone in Business Class for 24 hours. It kind of defeats the purpose of buying his son a ticket in the first place.

It's the fact that it's really so much more than a father treating his son to a plane ticket to his sisters wedding.

That bloody ticket was a poisoned chalice. It's the ultimate passive aggressive gift.

Skyblue, I've read the thread and have sat on my hands from the start. I think you need to work out what you're getting from this thread, because just because a bunch of strangers on the Internet think your DH (who they've never actually met) is a tool, doesn't actually mean he's a tool. Only you can know that.

DD sounds very sensible. Sounds like she would prefer it if he didn't come back to the house. In that case, why wait until she's left home?

Maryz - the OP talked about her marriage, her thoughts about her husband and how she and their DD is finding things nicer because DP is half way around the world. And the mystery deepens as to why the DP had no qualms about going away for 3 weeks without his wife or DD.

The OP admits that she doesnt have a relationship with her in laws and that over the years they have only spoken a hand ful of times. And yet she is pissed off that the FIL didn't want to pay for her to go on a freebie holiday???

The OP has made it clear what her marriage is like yet she is pissed off that he didn't turn down a free holiday of a lifetime, to see his sister get married???

Even now that her DH is over there, the OP is still making it clear that she isn't happy with DH going. Then there is there is giving DH grief about the FB thing. Such an over reaction. My BIL was skiing in the USA. I posted a picture of our snowed in garden with the comment that we were getting the snow for free. One hot summer I recall posting a picture of us in the garden having a bbq. Same bro had rented an apartment in Nice and it was raining. This is kind of ribbing is what people do on FB. And the OP is pissed of with her DH for saying that she is spoiling his holiday???

I am not saying that the OP is a bad person. I'm merely making the point that the OP doesn't have a healthy relationship with her in laws or her husband so why does she find their behavior unreasonable?

catinthehairnet the op does have her own mind you know, don't be so bloody patronising she's not stupid. Just because people give advice doesn't mean they have any rights to the outcome, goes without saying. The op has used the option of discussing her problems with strangers on the Internet so that she can get a wide selection of responses from a totally unconnected source, it's a bit like counselling for free I suppose, she can come on here and vent away, some people might judge, so what? Some people will offer absolutely sound advice and ask questions that will enable her to think clearly about her situation while her dh is away. There's no need to sit on your hands, if you've got something useful to say/suggest then join in. As for op's dh being branded a tool despite the fact we've never met that's horses for courses, we only know what the op is telling us and I'm trusting that she's painted an honest picture of her dh and his selfish behaviour and putting himself first mindset.

MTSgroupie the op doesn't have a good relationship with her in laws because they are cold and distant and refuse to think of her and her daughter their grandchild as family and include them appropriately. Her mil only contacts her ds and dil if she wants something. Op is pissed off because it feels like her dh and Sil are rubbing her nose in it while they have a fantastic family holiday of a lifetime. Op is pissed off because her and her dd haven't had a holiday in years but her dh always manages to make sure that he has a break ie golf holiday, leaving op and dd at the bottom of the pile without the funds for a treat themselves. Op has the funds to book a 2 week cruise for her and dd but she is scared of his reaction if she goes ahead and books it, he's emotionally manipulative with depression issues that he puts onto op. op is pissed off that he just accepted the free flights without saying that he'd really like it if op and dd were included.

OMG Sky l have just sat and read this thread and l cannot believe you are actually still with this man. I remember your original thread.
He is one selfish entitled man and it is obvious the apple doesn't fall far from the tree.
You deserve better as does your DD, You do realise that he will come home and knowing he "got away with it again" (holiday and olympics) will continue to disregard you and your DD and will continue to do exactly what he wants.
Use this time to disengage and work out what you want. Book that holiday and start spending money and time on yourself.

Life appears better for you and DD without (D)H around. Why not make it permanent?