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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want DD and her boyfriend to come and live with us?

112 replies

wongadotmom · 23/03/2013 18:11

But DH is against the idea. Dd is 19 and in the 2nd year of her degree. She and her boyfriend have lived together in a poky flat in the next town since last September. They stayed with us over the whole of last summer and they are both an absolute pleasure to have with us. I have always said that I want them both to come back and they would like to if it were not for DH. We have plenty of room. They are coming on holiday with us at Easter and my plan is to get DH drunk then persuade him to let them live with us while he is in a good mood. Aibu? Or is DH?

OP posts:
StuffezLaBouche · 23/03/2013 18:12

I'm not see why you want them to live with you so much? If your DH really doesn't want them to, it seems a bit mean to coerce him.

ShellyBoobs · 23/03/2013 18:13

YABU.

Unless you don't mind your DH getting you drink in order to get you to agree to things you're against, in future.

YouTheCat · 23/03/2013 18:14

You are - to get your dh drunk so he'll agree to something is not a very nice tactic.

Tbh, I'd let the dd and her bf continue how they are as they seem to be doing fine. Maybe save the money you would have spent if they came to live with you and help them buy a flat once they have qualified and have jobs.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 23/03/2013 18:14

I don't know.

What are his reasons for not wanting them to move in?

How long would you want them to live with you?

Isn't it better for offspring to be independent in life?

WishIdbeenatigermum · 23/03/2013 18:15

Why?

CMOTDibbler · 23/03/2013 18:16

Your dd and her bf need to be building their own adult lives away from you. So yabu and yabvvvu to consider getting your dh drunk to agree to it

musicposy · 23/03/2013 18:17

No, it's not fair to get him drunk to agree. Besides, people tend to say what they really mean when drunk and you might hear more than you bargained for.

Better, IMO, to question him at a calm time as to why he is so against it. She is only 19 and I might want my DD at home too. However, we all had to start in poky cheap places - unless she is actually unsafe it may be better to let her make her own way in the world.

seriouscakeeater · 23/03/2013 18:17

Yabu , your chick has flown the nest so let dh have some peace .

Ragwort · 23/03/2013 18:20

YABU, as music says, we all started off in grotty digs Grin.

I can't really understand why you would want your DD & her boyfriend living with you, don't you enjoy your DH's company? Surely the point of raising children is that they become independent and lead their own lives.

Original poster
wongadotmom · 23/03/2013 18:21

Here is a bit of background from when I was RebelFromTheWaistDown in 2011: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a1300799-to-let-DDs-bedroom-out-to-a-homeless-person-now-that-she-has-left-for-university

OP posts:
Original poster
wongadotmom · 23/03/2013 18:23

I think DH's reasons for not wanting them to move in are purely conventional, like ragwort's reasoning.

OP posts:
foxache · 23/03/2013 18:23

I'm guessing your getting dh drunk comment was lighthearted.

I think it's a nice idea but as others have said, it's good for her to build a life of her own. Maybe that's what dh is thinking. It might not go so well this time too and create future difficulties.

Could a temporary, fixed period work for everyone?

SirChenjin · 23/03/2013 18:26

YABU. Cut those apron strings woman, and move on with your life.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 23/03/2013 18:29

Why do you want to bring them back to you instead of encouraging them to spread their wings and begin their independent life while you move on to another stage with your husband?

Original poster
wongadotmom · 23/03/2013 18:30

Thanks fox ache for understanding. Of course it would be temporary, say a year or two. She's not going to want to live with us forever! I see her about once a week and I love having her around she is just so lovely and always has been.

OP posts:
hermioneweasley · 23/03/2013 18:30

Another vote for letting them get on with their own lives.

Original poster
wongadotmom · 23/03/2013 18:35

My eldest DD (20) works still lives with us and she does her own thing, she works full time, pays board and yes she is living it up, and I would never begrudge a young person that as long as they are respectful, and she is!
I see DD and her boyfriend struggle to pay for their damp flat and I wish they could live it up a bit like eldest DD!

OP posts:
fluckered · 23/03/2013 18:35

its your DH's home too. his opinion should be considered. i'm sure your DD wouldnt like to come in between ye and could affect their relationship. dont promise or make decisions without his consent on this one. btw you sound lovely and your dd (and her bf) is lucky to have you.

thezebrawearspurple · 23/03/2013 18:48

A poky flat is better than living with your parents, adult children tend to regress when they move back home, a move would be very bad for your dd. It's not healthy, you should be encouraging your daughters independence, not trying to sabotage it.

Your husband doesn't want to be living with a pair of adult babies (no self respecting adult would choose to go home to you), he probably likes his space and if you succeed in moving them in, it would be very understandable if he chose to move out. Then presumably you'd guilt your daughter into never moving out so you won't be all alone.

You need to let your daughter get on with her own life. Focus on your marriage, find a hobby where you get to meet new people, get a life outside your child so you don't have this bizarre need to pull her from the brink of adulthood so you can keep her and boyfriend dependant on you.

LittleBairn · 23/03/2013 18:50

wong time to cut the apron strings. Are they likely to want to live with you?
So the flats pokey, they are students it's hardly a serious hardship.

Original poster
wongadotmom · 23/03/2013 18:54

I think DH is the one being a bit mean really. Just cos we struggled (I did a LOT more than he did!), he thinks it is the right way for every other young person.

Dh chose to join the navy at 16. But I didn't have the choice to move out when I was 17. The choice to move out was made for me. That is why I can empathise with DD's boyfriend's situation more than DH can.

I think if we can have them, we have the room and they want to then why on earth not?

OP posts:
livinginwonderland · 23/03/2013 18:58

you want to have them, but your DH does not. it's his house just as much as it is yours. i know if i wanted to move in with my partner now, i'd have to move to his, or to our own place. there's no way in hell i would move a boyfriend in with my parents!

Original poster
wongadotmom · 23/03/2013 18:59

I am not lonely thezebrawerspurple. I have a 4 yo DS and I work full time. I want what I believe is right for my DD. She has only moved into the flat with her boyfriend because he had nowhere else to go. He came from the homeless shelter.

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 23/03/2013 18:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleBairn · 23/03/2013 18:59

Even though it's struggle for them they are managing and yes the struggle to become a finacially independant adult is a valuable lesson in life.
Say they were to split up that could end up putting you all in a very difficult situation with him ending up homeless again.

That's not even to get to the awkwardness around the breakfast table after a night of their drunken loud shagging or when they have a barney.