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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to want DD and her boyfriend to come and live with us?

112 replies

wongadotmom · 23/03/2013 18:11

But DH is against the idea. Dd is 19 and in the 2nd year of her degree. She and her boyfriend have lived together in a poky flat in the next town since last September. They stayed with us over the whole of last summer and they are both an absolute pleasure to have with us. I have always said that I want them both to come back and they would like to if it were not for DH. We have plenty of room. They are coming on holiday with us at Easter and my plan is to get DH drunk then persuade him to let them live with us while he is in a good mood. Aibu? Or is DH?

OP posts:
mamapants · 23/03/2013 19:05

I think if people get on well with their parents then its a good idea. I love my mum but moved out at 17 because I wanted the freedom. But you always hear people complaining about not being able to afford to buy houses and I think if more people lived at home for a bit longer then they could save up a deposit. Or you could charge some rent and give it back to them towards a deposit when the time is right.

EggyFucker · 23/03/2013 19:06

how big is your house ????

Is it like one of those Eastender's houses that have eleventymillion people living in them ?

SirChenjin · 23/03/2013 19:08

Let her go - seriously. So they are living in a poky flat as young students, so what? These are the times in our lives that shape us as adults and build our memories, so that in years to come we can look back as a couple and say "do you remember when..."

You don't get to decide what is right for your DD anymore - she does, along with her DP. Let them be a young couple together, in their own place. Have them round for dinner, slip them some grocery money and wish them well.

Original poster
wongadotmom · 23/03/2013 19:20

My house is big enough eggyfucker. We have four bedrooms so one is going spare at the moment. Maybe the government will extend their bedroom tax policy to independent homeowners to encourage people to help out their families a bit more! Grin

OP posts:
porridgewithblueberries · 23/03/2013 19:26

Wonga, unlike others I can sort of see where you're coming from. I lived with my dad for ten months when I was 28 and he was 64 Grin I didn't lose my independence, or regress , and he wasn't some lonely old saddo (the opposite, that man has a better social life than me!) The reasons were financial: I let my house out and paid my dad a small(ish) amount of board, we also shared a car. We lived as friends rather than father and daughter.

I personally feel that children, whether they are four or forty, should ALWAYS have a place at their parents' home.

That said, I can understand your DH not wanting her boyfriend there as well: that can, I feel, be more awkward. So no one is being unreasonable - just different views :)

INeedThatForkOff · 23/03/2013 19:28

I'm often surprised that MNers seem to advocate kicking the kids out as soon as they turn 18. We were welcome at home until solvent enough to buy a home. We didn't live there rent free, but obviously there was a saving. I left at 28 and I rely don't consider myself immature or limited in any way simply because I enjoyed and continue to enjoy a great relationship with my DM. Likewise, my DCs and their prospective partners will be welcome to stay with us as long as they need or want to.

Why does the OP's DH's view take precedence over everyone else's? I think it's a bit sad really.

PureQuintessence · 23/03/2013 19:28

Maybe your younger daughter does not WANT to live it up and sponge of her parents? Especially if her mum tries so hard to rein her dds in and tie them to her apron strings....

INeedThatForkOff · 23/03/2013 19:29

really

porridgewithblueberries · 23/03/2013 19:31

INeed - me too Hmm I'm glad I wasn't booted out as soon as I turned 18 - with a September birthday, I was still at school!

INeedThatForkOff · 23/03/2013 19:32

PureQuintessence - where do you get the impression that OP is cajoling her DD into living with her parents? I read it as something they both want.

SirChenjin · 23/03/2013 19:38

She hasn't been booted out - the DD is living with her BF!

Seriously, why would any adult couple want to live with their in-laws or parents, extenuating circumstances aside?? I couldn't have imagined anything worse, and I had a good relationship with my parents as did my various BFs. We were all really keen to start our independent lives, as our my teens now, and DH are looking forward to our new life together when that happens.

WishIdbeenatigermum · 23/03/2013 19:43

Ineed there's not one word about the daughter's wishes in the op. It's all about what mum wants. Hmm

Original poster
wongadotmom · 23/03/2013 19:49

I can see where you are all coming from re: the boyfriend. That is where DH disagrees with it. No problem with DD coming back but not with him too. We have known him for two years now and we both agree he is a lovely lad. He was kicked out of his home at 18 and never allowed back. He was in a hostel until last summer when he got his own flat, staying with us for about 2 months prior to moving in, as well as joining us on a family holiday.

The only thing was the lad was not comfortable in our house and didn't feel he could just go in the fridge whenever he felt like it etc. I have discussed this with DD and suggested he would feel more at home if he was paying board as DD1 does.

OP posts:
Original poster
wongadotmom · 23/03/2013 19:50

Wishidbeenatigermum - the mum WANTS what she believes is best for her DD!

OP posts:
SofaKing · 23/03/2013 19:53

Dh and I lived with my dad when we were 23 and 21, he had a spare room after my granny died. It was good most of the time, stopped him being lonely even though I really wish we had been more considerate and tidy!

He died two years after we moved in with him, and I'll always be grateful that I got to spend that time with him before he went, instead of visiting at weekends and having family visits so we didn't have one-on-one time.

I'm not suggesting you and your DH are going to peg out of course Grin. But you might want to say that this is your last chance to spend quality time with your DD before she moves into her forever home with her DP, and he will never have his little girl at home again.

Also stress the babysitting opportunities in having elder DD there, you and DH can go on lots of nights out!

Feminine · 23/03/2013 19:54

You sound really kind wong and not at all U.

I think all the posters that got to stay till they were ready have wonderful parents.

I was asked to leave at 18. Thank god I made good money then.

thezebrawearspurple · 23/03/2013 19:55

If you're not lonely, then what is it? Control? A grotty little flat is preferable to living at home with your parents. If you expect your kids to remain at home until they can afford the same standard of living and comfort as they do at home, they are likely to never leave. A teenagers brain is still not fully grown so they are much more adaptable than a twenty/thirtysomething who when they are used to comfort, can't cope with less than that. You learn so much on your own and trying to deprive your dd of that isn't doing her any favours, however well intentioned.

HearMyRoar · 23/03/2013 19:57

I think the problem is that even if it would be as lovely as you imagine, if you push your dp into agreeing to it when he really doesn't want to then he is going to hate it. Everything, however small, will annoy him. Every time one of them puts the knife in the wrong drawer or is too long in the bathroom in the morning he will be thinking 'I knew this would happen and never wanted them here anyway'. He will start to feel marginalised in his own home and get increasingly fed up and basically it would be awkward and unpleasant for everyone involved.

I can see where you are coming from but as others have said they really aren't so badly off. Most student couples I knew didn't even have their own flat but had to share a house with others. I think they will be OK if they stay where they are and unless your dp genuinely decides for himself its a good idea for them to live with you I really don't think forcing it would end well.

EggyFucker · 23/03/2013 20:14

You do actually sound like a lovely mum, OP, and have a SOH too (in the face of plenty of Hmm comments on your thread)

I used to be of the "kick 'em out when they come of age brigade"

And that's ok, if it works all round

But as my dd nears that time, I don't really envisage it happening. After a few years of really not liking her much (ages 13-16 roughly), we are getting on soooo much better

I like her now, and what her to stick around

This time last year you wouldn't have seen me writing this Grin

EggyFucker · 23/03/2013 20:15

*want

Original poster
wongadotmom · 23/03/2013 20:15

Thezebrawearspurple - I know from my own experience that to be 'independent' from your parents at a young age is not always what it's cracked up to be.

I rather admire the way families on Eastenders and corrie say need a place to stay? You can stay in our spare room. I had a wonderful Aunt who always took in waifs and strays she was never lonely! I see too much loneliness in this world especially in the profession I am in.

When DD2 and her bf stayed with us last summer it was great. They played with our 4yo DS (he would also love to see more of them!) cooked our tea most nights they were in and washed up between them. We knew we had them but in a good way! We had a laugh with them and they get on great with eldest DD as well as young DS.

I don't see why people should struggle just because convention says that they should. I am trying to work out how I can convince DH that it would be good for all of us not just them two!

OP posts:
BabyFaker · 23/03/2013 20:19

Yabu - it's not all about you

But be ready for when she splits with DP - she'll be back then!

TheChaoGoesMu · 23/03/2013 20:24

You sound lovely op. And its great you get on so well with your dd. You need to get dh on board though, its his house too and I guess if he's really against it then theres not much you can do.

b4bunnies · 23/03/2013 20:28

you are being unreasonable. your husband should not be forced to accept a strange man into his home, and subsidise that man's keep while the young man has sex with your husband's daughter, no strings.
you are being very unreasonable indeed.

WorraLiberty · 23/03/2013 20:29

But the BF has finally got himself out of the homeless shelter and into independent living.

Why would you want him to be dependent on you?

What happens if they split up?