to think it's inappropriate for DD to share a bed/room with a boy twice her age?

[princessj29]

DD is only just 5. She sees her father every other weekend. He has a girlfriend who has a ten year old brother who often sleeps over when DD is there. Her father bought a bunk bed for her room with a double bed on the bottom, which she says they usually share. There is another spare room in the house so no need for them to share rooms let alone beds IMO. She spoke about his 'bits pointing up' when he woke last week and I feel very uncomfortable about them sharing a bed/room. AIBU?

So its not the girlfriends boy its her brother ok so you are right espically if there is a spare room also why are there other kids there is your oh not supposed o be sepending time with yur daughter most likey they are getting him when she is there to keep your dd busy so he dont have to do much with her

I with you op on this one

badtasteflump but its not her brother, not her step brother not even her cousin

I wouldnt be happy at all and we are also not sure how long the ex and this women have been togethr for them to be allowing the dd to bevaome so familer with the gf relatives

Wooooaaahh

YANBU

AT ALL.

Oh dear. Never had boys but did have a DH and know about the morning hormonal erection. Didn't know 10 year-old boys had it though and teenagers wet dreams.

Bit concerned how a 5 year-old would notice it .

It is not appropriate OP and I would be having a word with her dad.

Boys can have errections from when they are babes in arms.

You don't have to impute that all 10 year old boys are 'potential abusers' to think this is a really bad idea. The fact is you don't know this child, so you don't know what kind of 10 year old he is, and in general we have fairly strong social taboos about non-related not the same age children sharing beds. I wouldn't want my dd's sharing a bed with a boy I didn't know anywhere, at a sleepover, or in this situation.

One of the fairly obvious reasons that we don't tend to bedshare with opposite sex/not related children (especially older) is precisely because of the embarassment factor and potential for misunderstanding. Your dd has already mentioned the pointy pyjamas, what if she rolled over in the night and it was pointing on her- why put either him or her in situations which could be misinterpreted or embarassing at best (if he's not embarassed now, he soon will be age 11/12). Or, as me and my friends did at that age, play 'mummies and daddies' - with the age difference this would be considered abusive.

Just don't let her go there unless she sleeps in her own bed.

Rhonda, if you think that sounds angry you should see me in full PMT mode. Not a pretty sight I can assure you. I usually deal with all utility companies, banks, etc at this time of the month as I find them much more co-operative for some reason

Every boy is different. Some are very immature and some are very mature. We don't know this boy so all of this is speculation.

I have a 9yr son myself who is on the immature end of the spectrum. However in my primary school years I once came across two 10yr olds who were re-enacting homosexual sex. They were even making 'orgasm' faces. I'd like to say that they didn't know what they were doing but they did.

As we don't know this boy it's rather pointless to speculate on how sexually mature he may or may not be. Having an morning erection means nothing. However it is inappropriate to put another child in there as it can make him feel very awkward. This isn't his sister after all or any relation of his whatsoever. I wonder how his parents would feel about it?

I think every parent is paranoid about abuse and it's interesting to note that we have a guest speaker, Diane Abbot, on the topic of pornography and children. It's a sad fact that studies reveal that many young boys have seen pornographic content online, that more girls are being sexually bullied and that porn is slowly seeping into everyday life with our children exposed to more and more inappropriate content.

It's no wonder we are paranoid. Those concerns are typical and normal and it is possible to voice them without having people call for social services to be involved. There is a thing called common sense which can be used.

Someone (probably not you Rhonda) mentioned that the OP was seeking professional advice and that's a sad state of affairs when the professionals have to mediate over every disagreement between separated parents. Not that it's all her fault but I do wonder if she tried every avenue before calling them? The father could be forced to communicate if his daughter was stopped from sleeping overnight. I'm sure he would do the same if the boot were on the other foot.

Good luck OP. Be decisive, use some common sense and get it sorted before it drags on and on.

Let me know next time you've got PMT, THERhubarb and I'll get you to talk to my bank manager for me!

I think where the confusion has arisen is where I've suggested OP contacts children's services for advice. She knew she felt uneasy and wasn't sure what to do. Her ex wouldn't discuss it. She was worried he would agree to something but not honour that in practice.

So I suggested she phoned whatever equivalent she had in her area to the contact centre we have in our area. You can phone anonymously and just get advice, not mediation or any other kind of involvement. Just advice. It would be nice if we were all able to use the right amount of common sense to resolve every problem. But that's not always possible, for all sorts of reasons.

My concern about her taking matters into her own hands with regard to contact between her DD and dad is that this may label her as uncooperative and dad may take advantage of that. Then things could get acrimonious and go downhill very fast. Professionals could advise her about whether she is over-reacting (don't think so!) and how best to proceed.

Fair enough Rhonda. No harm in asking for advice. It already sounds quite acrimonious if he refuses to talk to her over issues relating to their daughter and I'm sure if it came down to it, he knows that putting his daughter in the same bed as an related boy is not on and could cause a whole load of trouble in custody wars.

I think the OP needs to wait for her own PMT day and then see the idiotic clot face to face.

By the way, I charge for dealing with bank managers/utility companies/sales people/unreasonable partners, etc. Just PM me for my prices
(I not only reversed our overdraft charges but got £25 compensation and a telephone apology from our bank - result!)

Actually, THERhubarb, maybe I could just wind you up and point you in the direction of my ex-boss ...

Area the non boy owners on here confused about what an erection means? BAby boys get them. Toddlers- to their own huge amusement get them. Most boys wake up with one and all it means is their need the loo.

Also they are aware they are putting the boy at risk god forbid there was ever a misunderstanding i sure he would straight away to be blamed and the daugter it would likey result in your oh not being able to have her over night people thinking bad of this boy op i am not saying your daughter would lie on this boy but misunderstandings do happen and this is more likey when they are sleeping in the same room when un related and there is spare bed and room

Bloody hell.

They are NOT sharing a bed, they are sharing a bunk bed, albeit they usually (apparently) share the double at the bottom - probably because the 5yo doesn't like and/or shouldn't be sleeping high up and the 10yo's feet hurt going up the ladder (they're often a bit shit like that, bunk beds). Or maybe the TV is difficult to see from the top bunk. Who knows?

Boys get stiffies. They pretty much always have one of a morning, pre-wee, from babyhood. The 5yo has clearly never witnessed this before (and why would she, assuming she never spends time with brothers/cousins in similar circs) so it was of note to her.

The situation is not great because both children are being put in a vulnerable position. Given some of the responses on this thread, the most vulnerable is the 10yo.

FWIW my 12yo son regularly shares a room with his much younger cousins and the children of friends (both boys and girls). I am bloody horrified at some of the responses here.

And good grief, whilst Transformers might be scary for a 5yo WTF do you mean OP when you express concerns that it's "sexy"?

So leave the erection out of the equation completely, Seeker. (I agree it means nothing in itself, and is only an issue because the 5 year old is aware and has commented on it).

Why should a 5 year old girl be forced to share a 10 year old boy's bed against her will?

JenaiMorris yes there "cousins" but hes not her cousin is he hes not related i have a 13 year old son and a spare room i would not get my 5 year old nice to share with him for what reason i have a spare room

He might want to share with his 10 year old cousin but again this girl and the boy are not related i dont tink he will harm her but i dont understand why they are sharing and again i think you expose the boy to misunderstanding espiaclly as the new squeese and the op are not even on speaking terms

She shouldn't be "forced to share a bed against her will" obviously. Is she being? Anyway, as I've said repeatedly, the inappropriate films would be a deal breaker for me.

I've missed the bit where the 5yo is being "forced to share a bed against her will".

At what point has the OP's daughter expressed this?

JenaiMorris, read the OP before you state categorically "they are NOT sharing a bed". The OP says they usually share the bottom bunk, which is a double, so why would you say "apparently"?

Transformers is sexy in that they talk about masturbation, "ho's", mating, "can I ride you home"...no way is my 5 year old watching that.

OP yanbu. There is no reason for them to share a room, much less a bed.

seeker, I think the issue of boys' morning erections has already been extensively discussed further back in the thread. I don't think any confusion still remains, though it was obviously enough of a surprise to the OP's DD for her to mention it to her mum.

The "apparently" was in reference to the "usually". We don't know how often this has happened - it might just have been a few times but they're the ones that stick in the daughter's (and her mother's) mind.

I also mentioned the most obvious reasons why this might be so - neither likes the top bunk, and/or you can't see the TV from it.

No it's inappropriate and if she mentioned this to me with her observations on his bits pointing up I am afraid I would have to report this to the safeguarding coordinator as a possible child protection issue. I work in a school.

Your dh and his gf must be daft.

You need to put a stop to this.

It's not saying anything will or has been inappropriate, but its a stupid action that could be misconstrued.

She shouldn't be watching the films. And if they want privacy they should have it. But please don't make the 10 year old boy out to be a potential abuser.

"seeker, I think the issue of boys' morning erections has already been extensively discussed further back in the thread."

Obviously not- it appears to be remaining a theme.

The films are not great, no. Having said that my son watched Transformers years ago and the sexual reference went right over his head (much in the same way as the sexual references in Grease did for people of my generation).

Having said that the very first Transformers DVDs he watched (obsessively too) were the old 80s cartoons! I don't imagine that those are what the 10yo is watching, but you never know...