to think it's inappropriate for DD to share a bed/room with a boy twice her age?

[princessj29]

DD is only just 5. She sees her father every other weekend. He has a girlfriend who has a ten year old brother who often sleeps over when DD is there. Her father bought a bunk bed for her room with a double bed on the bottom, which she says they usually share. There is another spare room in the house so no need for them to share rooms let alone beds IMO. She spoke about his 'bits pointing up' when he woke last week and I feel very uncomfortable about them sharing a bed/room. AIBU?

I thought I was hard to shock but this thread is really sickening me.

I have DC in (roughly) those age ranges. Sometimes they have shared a bed (mine & DH's actually) to watch a film in the evening. Sometimes they've fallen asleep there and we've let them sleep there rather than moving them. Sometimes I have gone into one of my sons rooms in the morning and found my DD has sneaked through and got into one of their beds. Sometimes my DD has seen one of her brothers 'willies' when they've been getting changed or having a bath or whenever. She doesn't take any notice - it's just her brothers 'bits'.

Silly old me has always found any of these things either cute or funny or heartwarming or all of the above. Does that make me unbelieveably stupid or just not sick and twisted?

No, I think it shouldn't happen- that the children should have privacy and I think the inappropriate film business is outrageous. That is more than enough for the OP to say she wants this stopped.

But I just object very strongly to the idea that the little girl is in danger of abuse, and that a 10 year old boy is going to sexually molest a 5 year old- and, for heavens sake - could abuse her without realizing what he was doing was abuse. I suspect some of you have never met a 10 year old.

BTW - I wouldn't be happy for my five year old to share a bed with a 10 year old boy who wasn't a sibling - mainly because they are both entitled to their own bed and their own space - not because I would be thinking the 10 year old could be an abuser.

No, I think it shouldn't happen- that the children should have privacy and I think the inappropriate film business is outrageous. That is more than enough for the OP to say she wants this stoppe.

But I just object very strongly to the idea that the little girl is in danger of abuse, and that a 10 year old boy is going to sexually molest a 5 year old- and, for heavens sake - could abuse her without realizing what he was doing was abuse. I suspect some of you have never met a 10 year old

Yeah, that ^

badtaste - this isn't a sibling, this is the dad's girlfriend's brother. Would you be happy for your 5 year old to share a bed with a relative's girlfriends' 10 year old brother? Can't really believe anyone would. Especially if the child doesn't want to!

badtaste - the things you describe are nothing like what is happening in the OP.

Seeing your brother's willy as part of normal family life is not equivalent to having to share a bed on a regular basis with a ten year old boy that is not a part of your family.

"But I just object very strongly to the idea that the little girl is in danger of abuse, and that a 10 year old boy is going to sexually molest a 5 year old"

Nobody said he was going to.

Just that it isn't beyond the bounds of possibility that he might.

Do you really think it is an impossibility that this could happen?

That in the history of the world no 10 year old has ever acted in an inappropriate sexual fashion towards a younger child behind closed doors?

Nobody is saying your son would do this.

No I wouldn't want that, but I would never think that the 10 year old boy could be an abuser without any reason to suspect him whatsoever. I would just be very pissed off that her dad couldn't be bothered to get a bed of her own for her to sleep in and would tell him he needs to sort one out before she could stay.

Reply was to Bedhopper btw

Badtaste, you said yourself that you wouldn't be happy with them sharing a bed. All the discussion about potential abuse has made it clear that this is a worst case scenario - which doesn't mean it's impossible. Yes, it's unlikely, but it could happen. I have an 11 yo brother and he is very immature (bless him), so I do know what 10 yo boys are like and you're right, it's very unlikely they would do anything sexual whatsover, much less to a 5 yo, but the point being made is that it's not normal to expect a 10 yo boy and a 5 yo girl to share a bed, particularly as they are not related and it's not an occasional thing but every time they stay.

OP, you said there are only about 5 people who your DD will talk to. Is this boy one of them?

I know that we are not saying he might

But I'd really love to know what those here (minus sons of that age) think they do?

they are really very. very much kids.

If they were 10 &15 then I'd understand slightly better.
It needs to be sorted ,for the future though...surely?

There is a world of difference between siblings sharing and what OP is describing. I amazed you don't see that, badtasteflump. Add to this the fact the OP's DD is unable to voice her worries and you can surely see there is no comparison.

OP has accepted that she needs to talk to professionals about this. No-one is suggesting the 10-year-old is an abuser. Just that both children are very vulnerable.

seeker I'm sure I'm not the only poster who actually works with 10-year-olds, so I expect quite a few of us have met one.

Yes athing I see your point -what has got me raging is the suggestion of social services and child protection being brought in to this situation where nothing untoward has happened and probably wouldn't even if left alone. But I agree that the OP should stop her DD staying overnight until she is given a bed of her own - because she is entitled to her own space.

Why do CP need to be brought in when the parents just need to sort it out?

Of course I can't say that no 10 year old boy has ever abused a 5 year old girl. But that this is the biggest concern most ppl on this thread seem to have is very depressing. And people were advocating questioning the child about it, and involving social services and all sorts.

This is the problem with longer threads - further back, I suggested OP phone her local children's services contact centre for advice. I also said that where I work, children's services wouldn't get involved because it wouldn't meet their threshold for intervention. OP said she would seek professional advice and that is all it would be.

And as for the parents sorting it out, also further back in the thread, OP said her ex was unwilling to discuss it and does not even see there is an issue.

Princess you said your daughter only speaks to 5 people. Does that include her Dad, his girlfriend and the brother, or is she sharing a bed with someone that her SM leaves her unable to communicate with? So if the film was scaring her, she couldn't say that she didn't like it and please turn it off?

Might it be worth taking that approach with your ex, that the film choice is giving her nightmares but her SM issues means she can't vocalise that, so it would be best if they were in separate rooms so they could each choose their own film to watch?

Yeah yeah yeah, all boys and men are potential abusers and all girls and women therefore are manipulative bullies. Why not go the whole hog for the stereotypes eh?

I read page 1. Yes there were comments that implied the 10yr boy was a potential abuser with one poster saying it was a child protection issue.

No doubt there are stories from both sides about how someone was abused in similar circumstances and other stories about how children of all ages snuggle up perfectly happy and innocently every night.

The boy is NOT related at all, in any way, to the girl.
They have a spare room.
They have a spare bed.

Regardless of stupid and pointless stereotyping and tragic experiences related by all - this boy has a perfectly decent bed of his own and could have a perfectly decent room of his own. He is not related to the girl and so under the circumstances he should not have to sleep in the same bed as her.

I understand he might want to and so might she. I used to call my younger brother into my bed when I was 12 and he was 9 because he was cuddly and warmed the bed up. My experience does not relate to this one however as we don't know either of these two children. We know nothing about the adults involved or the set up, we only know what we've been told in a couple of posts from one person's perspective.

I suggest the OP has a friendly chat with both the dad AND his girlfriend. She can then explain her feelings and ask them to explain theirs. Her worries are justifiable as this is her daughter after all and she doesn't know this boy. Some 10 year olds are lovely and innocent and playful and others (I've worked in a primary school) are sexually inappropriate, aggressive, stubborn and vile.

The mother needs to stop arsing around on Mumsnet and take control of this situation. She's had more than enough advice now. She isn't being unreasonable to have concerns and the father is being unreasonable if he refuses to acknowledge those concerns.

The girlfriend will be protective over her brother of course and the father wants to please the girlfriend, but this little girl and the little boy need their own space and should not put in a situation that causes anxiety and worry to others. Especially if that situation is an unnecessary one.

Ok so this is a contact issue rather than a CP issue then, surely?

Sorry I keep replying to posts way back - slow typing

I think the reason people "arse around" on Mumsnet (you and me included) is when they can't resolve a situation by themselves and feel they would benefit from some objective views.

If the father refuses to chat then she is well within her rights to stop overnight stays.

If the mother is worried about the situation she is well within her rights to stop visitations until those worries are addressed. If the father wants that to happen then fair enough.

I really don't understand women who bleat "oh he won't listen!" rather pathetically. When it comes to your kids, you bloody well make them listen. If not then they have to face the consequences.

THERhubarb, why are you so angry?

What THERhubarb says - with bells on.

Suburban - I think she's got a bellyfull of views now. I haven't read all the thread but has she come back on to fan the flames? To tell other snippets of how the father doesn't listen to her and how her dd isn't happy, etc?

Apparently she's said she will get professional advice. Shame. My advice would have been to stop overnight stays until the father and girlfriend agree to communicate because these issues will come up again and again and if she has to go to the professionals each time, it's going to be a right pain in the arse and all communication will eventually breakdown.

Professionals should be a last resort really.

But hey ho.

I love that - when people go "why are you so angry?" "Do you have issues?"

Nah mate, I'm just being honest and giving my views. It's called contributing to a thread. This is AIBU isn't it?

Feel free to psycho-analyse me however if it makes you feel better

I asked why you were so angry because your last sentence was very - well, angry! Not qualified as a psychotherapist, so would never assume to do that.

I didn't suggest to OP that she seeks professional advice every time, just this time, and as a response to her saying her ex refused to discuss this rationally.