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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's inappropriate for DD to share a bed/room with a boy twice her age?

287 replies

princessj29 · 20/03/2013 22:25

DD is only just 5. She sees her father every other weekend. He has a girlfriend who has a ten year old brother who often sleeps over when DD is there. Her father bought a bunk bed for her room with a double bed on the bottom, which she says they usually share. There is another spare room in the house so no need for them to share rooms let alone beds IMO. She spoke about his 'bits pointing up' when he woke last week and I feel very uncomfortable about them sharing a bed/room. AIBU?

OP posts:
bamboozled · 21/03/2013 20:23

It's just not appropriate to put 2 children who are not siblings or cousins or naturally friends to sleep in the same bed, with different bedtimes, interests. The sarcasm is a bit revolting - and very unhelpful. Children are ch

bamboozled · 21/03/2013 20:29

Children and need to be protected from all this stuff, both the 10 yr old and the 5 year old. The OP asked if she was being unreasonable in feeling uncomfortable about her daughter sharing a bed with a boy 5 years older, who she doesn't know and whose mother she doesn't know. It's pretty crappy to flame her for going with her entirely normal motherly instinct.. She didn't come up with potential abuser lines etc, ratherthat she didn't like the situation. It's very hard to send your 5 year dd old to sleep somewhere else, when you don't get on with her father when you parent in the same style, much harder when you have concerns about their welfare... So if you are smug and married thinking its like a jolly sleepover - its not, it is totally out of your control and pretty unpleasant

SneezingwakestheJesus · 21/03/2013 20:34

Seeker, you do realise that the two children in the OP, unlike your two, are not related, right? So banging on about how you best not let your 17 and 12 year old makes no sense in this context.

AThingInYourLife · 21/03/2013 20:37

"No, as I said, I have learned my lesson from this thread- my two will never share a tent again."

Which of your children is a stranger to you?

Because if you've known them both all their lives and they have always known each other, it's not really the same, is it?

Getting personally affronted by the idea that there are 10 year olds who do bad things is a bit ridiculous.

seeker · 21/03/2013 20:38

They are not pointless rantings. There are people on this thread saying that 10 year old boys cannot be trusted not to abuse 5 year old girls. Somebody even said that siblings shouldn't share a room, ffs.

I agree absolutely about the films. I agree absolutely that your dd shouldn't share a room with anybody she doesn't want to, and she shouldn't be kept awake by an older child's games.

But I can't bear the way people are thinking about boys- all that stuff about not knowing what's appropriate, not knowing how to look after a little girl.

Original poster
princessj29 · 21/03/2013 20:59

That isn't what people have said - they've said something could inadvertently be misconstrued which could cause issues for both children.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 21/03/2013 21:06

"There are people on this thread saying that 10 year old boys cannot be trusted not to abuse 5 year old girls."

There are people on this thread saying that some 10 year old boys can't be trusted not to hurt 5 year old girls.

I can't believe you genuinely think otherwise.

This boy is a stranger to the OP. He is not well known to her ex or her daughter.

So of course she can't trust him.

That doesn't mean he's not trustworthy.

Or that he's not a wonderful kid.

Just that it's normal to worry about your 5 year old kid sharing a bed with a ten year old boy she doesn't know well.

Most parents would worry about the child spending all night alone in bed with a much older child they didn't know well, regardless of gender.

Kids can be really horrible to one another.

And saying that does not imply that all children are horrible to all other children and need to be kept in isolation.

seeker · 21/03/2013 21:10

There are loads of good reasons for not leaving a 5 year old alone with a 10 year old you don't know. I just find it extraordinary that the possibility of sexual abuse is the one in the forefront of people's minds.

JenaiMorris · 21/03/2013 21:14

Exactly, seeker.

b4bunnies · 21/03/2013 21:15

perhaps the op referring to 'his bits sticking up' had something to do with that? or maybe actually knowing some ten year old boys?

seeker · 21/03/2013 21:19

But those of us who know 10 year old boys have explained the "bits sticking up" thing. That's what willies do in the morning. You sound as if you think there is something sinister about it......

seeker · 21/03/2013 21:21

"perhaps the op referring to 'his bits sticking up' had something to do with that? or maybe actually knowing some ten year old boys?"

Did you actually say that last bit- or did I imagine it....? Please tell me I imagined it!

MrsSham · 21/03/2013 21:23

Its not appropriate, it is a safeguarding concern and that is not because a 10 year old boy can't be trusted to not harm a 5 year old girl. It is a concern due to unclear boundaries and vulnerabilities.

Do not question film record or ask your dd to film anything as that to would be a massive concern if you took your concerns to anyone professional.

AThingInYourLife · 21/03/2013 21:23

Sexual abuse is the forefront of people's minds in this circumstance because the children are in bed together.

That might not be reasonable, but people associate beds and sleeping together with sexual activity.

If the girl was being left alone for hours with a much older child during the day, and not in bed, people's would have seen different risks.

thebody · 21/03/2013 21:25

If you work with children then you are obliged to listen to children. That's enshrined by the children's act and the every child matters guidelines.

If a 5 year old child in my class mentioned the concerns of the op's 5 year old then it would b reported and investigated.

Sorry if some think this is ott but that's how it is now.

The children aren't siblings so banging on about what you would do with your kids or siblings sharing bedrooms is all bollocks to be honest.

We are where we are now and that's that.

MrsSham · 21/03/2013 21:26

Because different risks would be relevant that is a silly comment, in my opinion, people are concerned about sexual abuse also because in homes and families with unclear boundaries, sexual abuse is far more likely to happen.

JenaiMorris · 21/03/2013 21:31

You didn't imagine it, seeker. Unless I imagined it too.

thebody it's interesting to hear a professional's view on this. It seems reasonable to me that someone might seek advice from the primary child protection person in a school, having concerns. What would happen next?

Floggingmolly · 21/03/2013 21:32

Seeker, is this hitting a nerve or something? You've like a bloody dog with a bone Hmm

seeker · 21/03/2013 21:39

A nerve? Well, I am the parent of a boy.......Is that what you mean?

Floggingmolly · 21/03/2013 21:43

I'm the parent of two boys, and that's not what I mean. You've made your point, such as it is, over and over on the thread and show no signs of stopping. People all have different opinions and that's ok, you know?

crashdoll · 21/03/2013 21:45

I am gobsmacked at some of these posts, especially AThing. I wonder if you'd say the same if it was a 10 year old girl and a 5 year old boy but I doubt it. What a vile way of thinking - "everyone has the potential of being an abuser". I wish I could be really rude but I won't. All I will say is you either have experienced something that has messed up your thinking or you genuinely have no clue.

crashdoll · 21/03/2013 21:46

Anyway, OP I hope you've found some advice on this thread and a way to move forward. Not sure if anyone has suggested it already but the NSPCC give great advice.

shesariver · 21/03/2013 21:52

flogginmolly what are you implying by "hitting a nerve" Confused

I dont think seeker is like a "dog with a bone" actually - just expressing an opinion to counteract all the hysteria here about boys.

shesariver · 21/03/2013 21:54

crashdoll thats a very good point actually - if the genders were the other way around I wonder if we would have seen all the posts about potential abuse.

thebody · 21/03/2013 22:00

Yes it could be seen as 'a vile way of thinking' or it could be seen as listening to a child's concern.

All relative. I have 2 lads and 2 girls btw so the bashing boys crap is well just stupid really and who does?? No one really do they?

Vanessa George, rosemary west, women do abuse as well. Not just men