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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my timing is utterly rubbish and ask what you would do?

55 replies

GoingVerySlowlyMad · 20/03/2013 09:34

I applied for a job at the back-end of last year. Didn't get it but got put on a waiting list should similar positions arise. Got a phonecall at the start of last week to say that a job has come up and did I want it. Of course I said yes as this is my dream job that I have been working towards for many years and it's pretty tough to get into. At the moment I am waiting for all my references and checks to come back.

Myself and DH have 2 DC's and have been trying for DC3 for 2 years and had 4 mc's in the first year of trying, the past year nothing has happened at all. Except up until yesterday, when, you guessed it - BFP! So now I have a dilemma, what to do? Take the job and keep quiet for a month or two or declare it before I get a start date.

I'm pretty honest and feel I should declare it but what happens if I mc again, should I just wait it out? Or should I just turn down the job? Are employers allowed to withdraw a job offer in these circumstances.

DH is in senior management and thinks I should turn it down as its not fair on my employers that they will have to find cover for me in 8 months. He has said that I will be being really selfish if I take it. We have had an almighty row about it tbh.

OP posts:

Whoknowswhocares · 20/03/2013 09:39

Take it. You don't have to tell them and you shouldn't.
I find it frankly bizarre that your DH is more concerned about your future employees than you in this decision. Does he not want you to Work for some reason?

Whoknowswhocares · 20/03/2013 09:40

Ps. Congratulations on both pieces of news!

Original poster

GoingVerySlowlyMad · 20/03/2013 09:44

DH is a brilliant husband and I have no complaints other than he can sometimes look at things very objectively and this is what's happened here I think. He was the one who bolstered my confidence and sat with me every night for a week helping me to prepare for the interview. He is overjoyed at both pieces of news.

OP posts:

Bringmewineandcake · 20/03/2013 09:44

I would take it but tell them once all your checks are complete - I don't think they can withdraw the offer on the basis of your pregnancy as that would be discrimination.
I know you can keep it a secret and declare it in a month or two, but this would only encourage bad feeling in the workplace.
Would you intend to return to the job after your mat leave finishes?

buggerama · 20/03/2013 09:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oscarwilde · 20/03/2013 09:45

Leaving aside the moral dilemma about telling your employer, 4 MC's sounds like this is a very badly wanted baby. Stop stressing about the job and rowing with your DH.
Assuming that you are happy that a) the role is one that you can do with a normal pregnancy and b) you intend to return to work after your mat leave [you are likely to only get maternity allowance so there will be no cost to your employer other than the headache and recruitment cost of your cover] then I would proceed. Legally, they can't retract the offer and it sounds like it was all done over the phone anyway.
I've been in this position [got pregnant on gardening leave between jobs] and my employer has been great. Not thrilled understandably but that's life. Stuff happens - ultimately you are the right person for the job, they won't have trouble getting cover and you can return to the job when your mat leave ends.
When you tell them you are pregnant I would have a very direct conversation about your intentions to return and when so they can plan effectively. You can't be held to it, but it will help them and they can't ask you - they have to assume you will take the full 12 months. With three DC's I imagine that you will anyway.

Mydelilah · 20/03/2013 09:46

Co gratulations! Absolutely take it. They want you enough to have come back to offer the job, they will be able to see beyond your maternity leave.

CelticPromise · 20/03/2013 09:47

I would take it and tell them when you have to. Double congratulations!

BaronessBomburst · 20/03/2013 09:50

Take it. The employer will always do what's best for them (redundancies, relocations etc) so you need to do what's best for you. It might not be morally or ethically right, but having been screwed over by various employers over the last 20+ years, I'm now too practical to have morals.

badguider · 20/03/2013 09:51

I would take the job. I really really wish you the absolute best with this pregnancy but with your recent experiences and for anybody at all with a recent bfp you cannot count on the pregnancy progressing to birth. Don't give up your dream job on the chance this pregnancy works out. Imagine how awful you'll feel if you do mc and you've turned down the job.

Providing it's a normal office-type job with no additional H&S issues in pregnancy and providing that you would intend to return to work after having DC3, and providing that you can manage without any enhanced maternity benefits which you probably won't be eligible for after less than a year, then I absolutely think you should take the job.

TrinityRhino · 20/03/2013 09:52

congratulations on both bits of great news

oscarwilde what is gardening leave?

HighBrows · 20/03/2013 09:53

Congratulations on both pieces of great news.

Take the job. Enjoy it!

badguider · 20/03/2013 09:53

I don't think anybody should tell any employer (current or future) anything before the 12 week scan unless it's an H&S issue or illness/sickness makes time off work necessary.

Original poster

GoingVerySlowlyMad · 20/03/2013 09:56

badguider that is my worry. With my previous history I don't plan on making this public until the 15 week mark and really don't want to have to discuss it with anyone but DH and my GP until then.

Planning on taking 9 months mat leave and going back to it. The hours mean that only DC3 will have to go to childcare as the elder 2 will be at school.

OP posts:

badtasteflump · 20/03/2013 09:59

Take it! And congratulations on both points

We are supposed to live in a country where women have the same job opportunities as men, despite our ability to have babies - so ask your DH if he is planning on walking away from his job because he's becoming a parent soon

FierceBadIggi · 20/03/2013 09:59

Well I've done exactly this, job interview and bfp on same day. I expected to mc before I even worked my notice, but didn't. After 12 weeks I told boss the whole situation, including the rmcs, and she was lovely. I did not view myself as being 'safe' after 12 weeks still.
If they are hiring a woman of child-bearing age they know you might get pg. If you can show them you are in it for the long haul, you are still a good choice. I would absolutely not tell them before you start, however.
Your dh is being a bit of an arse about this imho. I looked at it that if I lost the baby, at least I'd have a job I enjoyed to throw myself into. (I was 5th time lucky - hope you will be too!)

oscarwilde · 20/03/2013 10:23

It's where you "work" your notice period at home . Your employer effectively pays you to sit on your behind at home for your notice period rather than have you in the office telling your clients where you are off to
We had been TTC for a year, turns out all I needed was some quality time with a box set of The Killing [oh the romance].

I was 6 weeks pregnant when I started the job and was heavily pregnant when I had my probation period review but they have been fine. It has not all been ideal - I have a new manager so no longer report into the same management level, so have been demoted in my eyes but it's been done as part of a company re-organisation so it's a difficult one to argue. In the meantime, I take the view that my manager can take the grief . It suits me for now and when I am back in the office I can work on doing the job they hired me for at the level I want to be at.

Emsmaman · 20/03/2013 10:27

Keep in mind you won't qualify for SMP or any enhanced Maternity leave since you will already be pregnant when starting the employment though! You will qualify for the basic Mat Allowance though...

Emsmaman · 20/03/2013 10:27

And congratulations of course!

StuntGirl · 20/03/2013 10:32

I would take the job and tell them later.

badguider · 20/03/2013 10:33

emsmaman - SMP on the DWP site says "You must have been employed by your employer for a continuous period of at least 26 weeks into the qualifying week (which is the 15th week before the week in which the baby is due)."
That means that if the OP starts work before week 10 of her pregnancy then she will qualify for SMP. (Though I think MA and SMP are the same amount anyway aren't they?)

IsItMyArseOrMyElbow · 20/03/2013 10:35

Double congratulations!

I've been in your position, got the job where I work at present (perfect location, perfect hours) when I was 7 weeks pregnant, was going to tell them after the 12 week scan but unfortunately didn't get that far and mc at 11+5. Never told them and found work to be the perfect bolthole away from sympathy iykwim.

The only downside I see is whether your rights to maternity leave/pay will be affected by your already being pregnant when you started the job as you won't have worked the qualifying period of time.

Am now awaiting redundancy, so feel like I've had 2 losses and that's why I'm in a permanent shitey mood!

TheVermiciousKnid · 20/03/2013 10:38

Take the job! If you were a man and your partner had just found out she was pregnant this wouldn't be an issue at all. That's why we have maternity pay etc!

pregnantpause · 20/03/2013 10:40

I would take the job- you won't cost the employer anything,(in theory they have a waiting list of people behind you to cover for mat leave, they gain a happy worker, willing to put in the extra who will potentially be very loyal to them if they treat your early mat leave well- I once read that mothers beyond early years were the hardest working, though don't know the truth in it, I can see why that may be congratulations

Softlysoftly · 20/03/2013 10:44

Take it. I got pregnant the day after an interview. I was successful in the job alread already accepted before I found out. I was covering someone else's maternity on a contract so expected them to be less than pleased as it left them in the shit for the final 3 mnths cover .

However when dd2 hit 9 months they called me and said if they created a job for me would I take it as they had liked my work!

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