To find it annoying when people tell me I'm lucky to have well behaved children?

[alisunshine29]

My eldest is 5.5 years old and youngest has just turned 9 months. Today we walked to school then I took youngest DD to a baby/music group. On the way to school we saw eldest DDs mum drive past, DDs friend was hitting her mum while she was driving and she was struggling to fend her off. We caught up with them at the car park and the mum was talking to her child as though it had never happened (I wasn't mistaken - they'd stopped in traffic so could clearly see) and 2 mins later her daughter started having a tantrum about taking a toy to school and slapped her 2 year old brother in anger. The mum barely reacted and in the end let her take it and left it for the teacher to take away and deal with the consequences. Younger brother was trying to climb out of pushchair so mum passed him her iPhone with a tv show on to keep him still and he threw it in the road! Mum just smacked him and retrieved it. After the eldest children had gone in to school, she excused her daughters behaviour by saying that she's tired because she went to sleep fifteen mins late last night and had to walk from the car park - it's about 300 metres!! She asked where I was parked and I said I'd walked from home, she was amazed as its almost two miles away. She then commented on how lucky I am elder DD is so well behaved and can cope with the walk.
At baby group, it was chaos as they have organised music activities where parents and kids sit in a circle and do actions etc. The leader specifically asked children are not allowed to run riot like last week, when some damage to the building was caused and pointed out a separate room where those not wanting to join in could go for a chat and cup of tea. Still, mums let their babies crawl/toddle everywhere, older toddlers were running around and pulling notices off the wall leaving pins on the floor etc. Their mums either ignored them or tried to pin them still on their lap. Again, a mum commented that I'm lucky that my daughter is well behaved.
Of course my youngest is only tiny and has no rules as such, but if she wasn't interested in the music group I'd have gone in the other room and kept her happy/occupied. I'm quite strict and very consistent with my eldest DD hence the reason I believe her to be well behaved - it is not luck. Special needs excluding, I think it is inexcusable for a child to hit a parent like DDs friend was this morning - particularly while she's driving, it's dangerous for everyone. To not do anything about it I believe is the mum neglecting her duty to her daughter. Her DD was going crazy in the school foyer about the teacher trying to remove her toy and her mum just shrugged and left them to it like its normal. AIBU to be annoyed when people say I'm lucky to have well behaved children?

I am a manager in a unit working with young people with emotional and behavioural difficulties. I have worked with over 600 young people over 10 years. In over 90 % of cases inappropriate or poor parenting skills were the root cause. They range from over parenting (resulting in rebellious teenagers, often with oppositional disorder) to neglect. The two main causes are: parents who lacked interest when the children were 0-4 resulting in inability to form interests as adults and therefore lacking the ability to motivate themselves and secondly lack of boundaries set from a young age resulting in chaotic and disordered behaviours. We have young people from a wide spectrum of society and from all local areas. Some whose parents invested heavily in private education but who invested far less into their childrens emotional development.

Of course all children are different and have different personalities and in general I would wait until a young person is at least 20 before judging how well a parent has done (possibly 30 for men!) but if you have a child who is essentially well behaved, loving and kind but with a sense of adventure and an ability to test boundaries then you are doing a bloody good job - and thank you because I don't need any more referrals!

You seem to be getting kind of desperate OP.

I can't decide if I find you obnoxious or sad.

Oh I had a comment deleted. I feel so bad ass.

I see what the op is getting at. I does gall slightly to be almost criticised/dismissed as lucky by the same parents who told me I was far too strict a few years ago...

You are very very smug. I am firm, consistent and I deal with bad behaviour appropriately but one of my children is the one flat on the floor screaming, the one going stiff and refusing to go in the carseqt the one throwing things and is the nightmare nobody wants to be near. I am firm as can be, I deal with him appropriately, we leave places or avoid places where there is likely to br a meltdown, actions have consequences. He is getting better, and eventually he will be fine. I know that because I have other children, judge me all you like but until you have the one who takes every ounce of your being to behave you haven't a clue. He is also by far the brightest and most imaginative of my children and tbh I wouldn't want him any other way.

My daughter is the best behaved thing in the world.

My dear friends daughter is.... not.

We are identical in our parenting techniques and ideals.

I consider myself VERY lucky!!

I thought I was an excellent parent, and then I got pregnant with DS2.

That kid has been pissed off since conception.

I tend to assume that a child who is always perfectly well behaved is rather dull and boring. A bright child is going to have a bit of spark and mischief about them.

That said, I do think consistency and sensible routines can help. My nephew is a sweet boy but misbehaves a lot but I am sure a lot of that is because he is very tired (age 3, often not in bed before 10). I think there is a large element of luck in that too though, my son goes to sleep by half 7 every night but think that is just luck as I really felt quite clueless and he just seemed to set a good sleep routine all on his own.

"pissed off since conception" :o

I've not read all the comments but from the original post I think yeah it is unreasonable to be pissed off you have been called lucky. You should be pleased others recognise your child's good behaviour. However, i agree 100% that boundaries and strong parenting get you well behaved children. I don't think you are being smug, I think your doing the right things. I am always receiving comments on how good my 4.5 yr old behaves. This is because from an early age we taught him right from wrong, we taught him to say please and Thankyou, sorry, kindness to others, when to sit and listen.
He has a friend at school that recently came for tea and this child was also polite and thoughtful. Having spoken to his mum, she told me her husband is quite strict.
After this weeks parent evening the teacher couldn't have given us a better report on our sons attitude. Just recently I have seen in a number of children who's behaviour I simply would not tolerate. 1 child who must be no more than 3 biting her mum's leg and basically running riot while waiting to collect sibling. At a playgroup last week a child walked up to the pram shelter and kicked the glass and at a theme park a young boy wasn't tall enough for the ride so was taken off and preceded to smack his dad around the head. At a park a really small toddler was slow going down a slide and a boy from my son's school walked up and kicked her!!! The common denominator - non of the parents said a bloody thing!!!It bloody infuriates me. You reap what you sow and it's not being kind to ignore bad behaviour. So personally I think you should be told Well Done for making every effort to ensure your children are well behaved. It's a pity lots of others don't.

What is it with parents of small children who think they have this parenting lark all sewn up?

You're barely off the starting line, for goodness sake.

Flippinaida-You are absolutely right. I am and things could change in the blink of an eye and my 8 week old Ds 2 could turn out to be nothing like my up to now ds1 who has always been has good as gold. I am not saying I am a perfect parent (far from it) and I don't think the op was either but what I am saying is I choose to challenge and not accept bad behaviour and that's not me thinking I have it all sewn up it's me wanting the best for my children in the long run. Why should a child hit their parents and it be ok, it's not ok the other way round. Is it ok for toddlers to damage property that isn't theirs and the mothers to just carry on chatting amongst themselves? Even if ds2 is of a different nature he will still be told what is right from wrong.

I agree that it's good to have boundaries in place but parenting isn't black and white and all children are different. You're seeing a snapshot, not the whole picture.

My son aged 2-5 was a complete terror. I frequently felt exhausted, at my wits end; most of all that I was a terrible parent. No doubt others thought I didn't set boundaries, didn't care, didn't do things right. Thing is, I did do all those things you're "supposed" to.

Anyway, at 8 he couldn't be more different, happy, well balanced, bright, confident- and doing well at school . What am I doing right? I'll be honest, I have no idea.

Now, I still have a long way to go and a lot to learn, but I have learnt one thing, and that's not to make snap judgements.

In short, wait until you've passed the finishing line before you start telling others how to run the race.

Although I think with parenting, you never do quite cross the finishing line, so maybe not the best analogy!

Again, I am in no way saying I know what is the best way to parent and dread what could happen I the coming years. I am also aware that there are many many causes and reasons for a child's behaviour that I would not see. What I am referring to and what I think the original op was referring to is behaviour I do see that isn't challenged. When the child deliberately kicked the pram shelter, his mum carried on walking, not a word. My 4year old frowned and said "ah that's naughty" now why does he know and why do I know that it's he wouldn't have considered doing the same thing and why do I also know that if he did I would address it, I would not ignore it. Like the boy who kicked the toddler, his mum saw it and did bugger all but a give a pathetic half hearted threat of going home. As it turns out it's the same child on a behavioural plan at school for hitting his classmates errmmmm lovely and even more reason for his mum to have addressed/challenged it. I understand and appreciate we can't control everything our children do but for some I think it boils down to taking the path of least resistance.

"Luck" (for lack of a better word) is involved. It is a combination of nurture and nature. Many children turn out very differently from how they were raised to be. You could have a another child who will be rude and willful, or that woman could have another child who is of perfect character and manners.

Oh my god, why is she smug!!! I have people say to me I am lucky but I am consistent and work hard at it, and most of the time people say I am lucky while their children are making them look like push overs hitting them etc

I look after my friends children and she llaughs at her children's behaviour then says I'm lucky!!

YANBU OP, can't understand why some comments are so harsh. Yes there is an element of luck, but also a lot comes down to parenting. I've seen so many parents just ignoring lo's behaviour when out, and saying 'he/she is so difficult' whilst stood chatting and effectively letting their child run riot! OP isn't saying she's a perfect parent and children will never misbehave/rebel, just that childrens behaviour can be influenced by parenting, which is definately true.

mmmmmm.... and the harder we work at it the luckier we seem to become....

There is no doub that all children are different and luck is some part of the answer.

But parent's expectations of what their children are allowed to do is part of the problem.

If you expect your children to be well behaved and have manners you will have spent a long time instilling those values,and will act accordingly if your children are not doing what you expect of them.

If you expect "boys to be boys" and girls to be little princesses,they will exhibit those features,because you allow them to.

If you allow your children to run round supermarkets/restaurants/other public places generally being annoying to others, expect people to look at you, expecting you to do something about it!

I've been volunteering at a school breakfast club & there are 2 children who are badly behaved & I did wonder how they've been able to get away with it. At a staff meeting it transpired that the 2 children have very complex issues at home.
I truly had no idea, as I've been lucky growing up, I would never judge in a moment there are some terrible things going on behind the scenes and children will react to that. I'm lucky those children not so lucky

FleeBee - exactly.

Some people just can't see beyond their own experiences and assume bad behaviour is just down to lax parenting.

Equally sometimes people just can't see beyond their own experiences and assume good behaviour is just down to luck......

Bytheway, have you read all the posters above who have described how their children, who are bought up the same way, behave differently?

I arrogantly believed that DD1's good behaviour was all down to my superior parenting skills....... until DD2 came along!

She is a dream, now, at 11, but at 3, she was an absolute bloody nightmare.