To find it annoying when people tell me I'm lucky to have well behaved children?

[alisunshine29]

My eldest is 5.5 years old and youngest has just turned 9 months. Today we walked to school then I took youngest DD to a baby/music group. On the way to school we saw eldest DDs mum drive past, DDs friend was hitting her mum while she was driving and she was struggling to fend her off. We caught up with them at the car park and the mum was talking to her child as though it had never happened (I wasn't mistaken - they'd stopped in traffic so could clearly see) and 2 mins later her daughter started having a tantrum about taking a toy to school and slapped her 2 year old brother in anger. The mum barely reacted and in the end let her take it and left it for the teacher to take away and deal with the consequences. Younger brother was trying to climb out of pushchair so mum passed him her iPhone with a tv show on to keep him still and he threw it in the road! Mum just smacked him and retrieved it. After the eldest children had gone in to school, she excused her daughters behaviour by saying that she's tired because she went to sleep fifteen mins late last night and had to walk from the car park - it's about 300 metres!! She asked where I was parked and I said I'd walked from home, she was amazed as its almost two miles away. She then commented on how lucky I am elder DD is so well behaved and can cope with the walk.
At baby group, it was chaos as they have organised music activities where parents and kids sit in a circle and do actions etc. The leader specifically asked children are not allowed to run riot like last week, when some damage to the building was caused and pointed out a separate room where those not wanting to join in could go for a chat and cup of tea. Still, mums let their babies crawl/toddle everywhere, older toddlers were running around and pulling notices off the wall leaving pins on the floor etc. Their mums either ignored them or tried to pin them still on their lap. Again, a mum commented that I'm lucky that my daughter is well behaved.
Of course my youngest is only tiny and has no rules as such, but if she wasn't interested in the music group I'd have gone in the other room and kept her happy/occupied. I'm quite strict and very consistent with my eldest DD hence the reason I believe her to be well behaved - it is not luck. Special needs excluding, I think it is inexcusable for a child to hit a parent like DDs friend was this morning - particularly while she's driving, it's dangerous for everyone. To not do anything about it I believe is the mum neglecting her duty to her daughter. Her DD was going crazy in the school foyer about the teacher trying to remove her toy and her mum just shrugged and left them to it like its normal. AIBU to be annoyed when people say I'm lucky to have well behaved children?

Fleebee...I work in a school, and I am well aware of many children with "issues". But those issues shoudn't be an excuse for bad behaviour.

It can explain it, and you can empathise with it, but bad behaviour should not be excused or considered acceptable.

Yep flippinada - and I know that despite all efforts in bringing mine up the same way I have been more relaxed with my second due to the fact of having experience as a parent.... so I'm not sure how kids can be brought up identically...

plus, I did say "sometimes" as you said "some" people....

In my view - and experience - some bad behaviour IS down to lax parenting and I resent the fact that I'm told I'm "lucky" by folks in RL who do sit there saying X is soooooo spirited and don't bother intervening when their kid hits someone, or breaks things ....

whereas I've been playing with mine, stopping bad behaviour before it escalates, getting up to move stuff they found "interesting to play with" but was fragile, and then being told I'm LUCKY......

I see what you're saying, and I'm not having a go Bytheway - your have two children so you're way ahead of me in the parenting stakes!

I did all the things you are supposed to do (set boundaries, instil manners, say please and thank you etc) but DS behaviour was very challenging between the ages of 2 and 5. I was often exhausted and sometimes in tears wondering what I was doing wrong - it was really, really hard.

Now he's 8 and lovely!

so you would rather people told you that you were a great parent than made a comment on how nicely your dc behave?
Have you considered that you have low self-esteem?

It is nice to be told your kids are well behaved, but to be told that you have had no effect on it, that it is purely down to luck, is exasperating.

Haha your innocence is sweet.
At your DC ages my DC were models of good behaviour, perfect sleep, healthy eating, milestone crashing, perfection.
DD's teenage rebellion was utterly spectacular, news worthy, even.
DS is as responsible as a middle aged man.
Eventually the DC will decide on their behaviours and its only the luck of the draw after that.
Do return when your youngest is 17 and finding themself and admit, like I do, how much of a smugarse you are on this OP.

I agree with you op.

If I had been the teacher I would had said to the mother,
"Mrs X take that toy home, we do not allow children to bring in toys to school."

The mother was being totally unreasonable excusing herself of parental responsibility and passing the buck to another adult. Boundaries and discipline need to be consistant, any chinks and the kids will pick up and exploit them.

Equally with the hitting senario. Totally inexcusable. You must teach your kids that distracting a driver of any vehicle is never acceptable. At 5 she is able to understand this concept.She is heading for disaster.

I think it's natural for children's behaviour to be challenging though. (certainly my fabulous 2 y o is full on) Our expectations need t be realistic don't they? We need to try to understand where our dc are moving from and what h
All children will push boundaries and "misbehave". That doesn't mean they will have long term issues, it's just normal, but if we do nothing to guide and nurture them, we're all in trouble. I feel I try to get it "right" with my dcs but am not above offering choc buttons to survive a supermarket run in peace and safety.

Moving away from the point now I suppose, just been over thinking while feeding dd with a toddler sitting on my shoulders!

What on earth that third sentence is I don't know!

Byte way- totally agree with you. The original op wasn't talking about how good her parenting was and how fab her children are going to turn out to be in 10 years time. The issue here is the challenging if wilful/ naughty behaviour. If my son hit I'd tell him it was wrong. If toys shouldn't be taken into school, they wouldn't be. If he deliberately hit, broke, damaged anything I would address it. If I see a child having a full on tantrum in the supermarket I don't think bad parent ahead, I sympathise as it as happened to us all - and don't even get me started on the parents that deal with a tantrum with a clip round the tab hole, but that's a different thread. Now, same child having tantrum and pulling things off shelf and parent just leaves the stuff on the floor and tells little Henry to come on, really pisses me off. Same again, child hits mum/dad and "oh dear, never mind" you can bet that child will be hitting another child soon enough. No-one can predict the future behaviour but we can tackle the present. That isn't luck it's parenting!

Are you ok, OP? You do seem to be starting these "Oh, look at me, isn't my parenting better superior"-threads at the moment.

Yanbu, well done you for bringing up well behaved children! If other people fail to discipline properly that is their down fall, the family and society suffer add a result, let alone the child's emotional well-being. I like your style.

When people tell me my kids are lovely, I always feel very lucky. I really cannot understand just what I did to deserve such darlings. So I wouldn't be annoyed. I know I'm lucky.

nkf - I know what you mean. I do think people are trying to be kind/friendly/nice to the OP.

It's a little bit early to count your chickens.

...So imagine if it was you. 2 DCs, on the way to school where you need to arrive approximately on time, playing up in the car and stuck in traffic, which is going to hold you up and make everyone that little bit more ratty. No knowledge about the sort of morning everyone has had up to that point.

You don't see any of what happens in the meantime, just the subsequent arrival in the car park. Older C is still ratty but goodness knows what other demands there are going to be on this mum's time right after the school run, for which she may already be late and stressed.

There's plenty to be said for consistency and pulling over and having words, the 'When you stop, I will drive...' approach, and yes, hitting in the car is a Bad Thing, but is it ALWAYS practical to do that, especially when getting to school without major humiliation, and then wherever else you need to be, ditto, is really the matter of top priority, probably with quite a bit of resistance from the DCs? Maybe you might find yourself in those shoes, once in a while - even if you're doing everything right. Just a thought, based on how getting fed, dressed and out every day sometimes goes in our house.

I would save your breath......I doubt the OP is listening.....

It's very rare to find luck or hard work successful in isolation. Pretty much everything takes a healthy dose of both and it's good to be humble enough to know this, I would say.

And people forget that having parents who modelled good parenting, who encouraged and supported thoughtful discussion, being free from extraneous pressures like money worries or ill health are also luck..

my middle one was a complete nightmare when he was little and at 11 is really a very nice well rounded boy and everyone is now jealous of me

I have a little one though that is a blady nightmare atm and my eldest has challenging behaviour as she is on the sutistic spectrum and has SLd ex set her rahh

so erm I can really not comment

and anyone that comments on me, well ROFL :o have them for half an hour. I don't have a queue

Pagwatch- you're so right. I get so riled when people take such a narrow view on what luck means. It's a bit more than the lottery ticket style luck. If it weren't a mortal sin to start a thread on a thread I'd be tempted to start a whole new one!

Was just going to add that I agreed with you Molehill - a bit of humility is never amiss. Otherwise fate tends to shit on our head.
I was smuggy smuggerson until I got DS2..

I hear you! Dd1 slept and ate well. My humility was underdeveloped and so very little of that was attributed to luck. In fairness, my confidence was low too. Now-little more confident and a lot more humble. Thank you FC 2 and 3, serious illness during pregnancy and two years of sleep drop for those valuable life lessons

DC 2 and 3 - only one FC!