To find it annoying when people tell me I'm lucky to have well behaved children?

[alisunshine29]

My eldest is 5.5 years old and youngest has just turned 9 months. Today we walked to school then I took youngest DD to a baby/music group. On the way to school we saw eldest DDs mum drive past, DDs friend was hitting her mum while she was driving and she was struggling to fend her off. We caught up with them at the car park and the mum was talking to her child as though it had never happened (I wasn't mistaken - they'd stopped in traffic so could clearly see) and 2 mins later her daughter started having a tantrum about taking a toy to school and slapped her 2 year old brother in anger. The mum barely reacted and in the end let her take it and left it for the teacher to take away and deal with the consequences. Younger brother was trying to climb out of pushchair so mum passed him her iPhone with a tv show on to keep him still and he threw it in the road! Mum just smacked him and retrieved it. After the eldest children had gone in to school, she excused her daughters behaviour by saying that she's tired because she went to sleep fifteen mins late last night and had to walk from the car park - it's about 300 metres!! She asked where I was parked and I said I'd walked from home, she was amazed as its almost two miles away. She then commented on how lucky I am elder DD is so well behaved and can cope with the walk.
At baby group, it was chaos as they have organised music activities where parents and kids sit in a circle and do actions etc. The leader specifically asked children are not allowed to run riot like last week, when some damage to the building was caused and pointed out a separate room where those not wanting to join in could go for a chat and cup of tea. Still, mums let their babies crawl/toddle everywhere, older toddlers were running around and pulling notices off the wall leaving pins on the floor etc. Their mums either ignored them or tried to pin them still on their lap. Again, a mum commented that I'm lucky that my daughter is well behaved.
Of course my youngest is only tiny and has no rules as such, but if she wasn't interested in the music group I'd have gone in the other room and kept her happy/occupied. I'm quite strict and very consistent with my eldest DD hence the reason I believe her to be well behaved - it is not luck. Special needs excluding, I think it is inexcusable for a child to hit a parent like DDs friend was this morning - particularly while she's driving, it's dangerous for everyone. To not do anything about it I believe is the mum neglecting her duty to her daughter. Her DD was going crazy in the school foyer about the teacher trying to remove her toy and her mum just shrugged and left them to it like its normal. AIBU to be annoyed when people say I'm lucky to have well behaved children?

All my boys are very well behaved too. I have been told often that they are a credit to me. I agree with consistent boundaries but also use lots of praise and the naughty step on occasion.

However I would say that my infant/toddler aged would be effected if they went to bed 15+ mins late. I know most children have better stamina and cope well with later bed times but mine don't. Most of my friends kids run on duracell batteries!

My children are truly wearing when they are exhausted, lacking in sleep, very hungry or ill. Even then they still have regular boundaries and I try and resolve things through early nights/day off play group/calpol/rest. Those days can be very long sometimes despite my kids being well behaved the rest of the time.

I tend to see upset kids as having unmet needs in one form or another - be it attention/health/food/stimulation/boundaries/love/regular routines etc

Also children are born with personalities and by nature some are easier then others despite being treated the same.

OP back for another bashing...
Don't you all think that by saying 'your child is well behaved, therefore they're extremely boring' is the same as me saying 'your child is naughty, therefore they must be thick?' (which I have not said, and do not think - for the record). My eldest has a fantastic personality and is full of mischief but the difference is - she knows to stop if/when asked to and does not get arsey about having to. Also, I don't think that any two children can truly be bought up the same. There will be differences in their parents relationship with each other/the children, the childs place in the family will make a difference, there will be differences on when/if the parents work and how much childcare the child attends. The majority of people say that subsequent children are worse behaved, and had they been the first they'd have been the last etc. Perhaps that's because with subsequent children it's not as easy to maintain standards as it was when you only had one child to parent? To assume it's because that subsequent child is a 'demon' as one of you so lovingly said, and it's nothing to do with you, is just plain ignorant in my opinion.

Oh and I don't claim that myself, or my children, are perfect. Eldest didn't sleep through til she was 3.5 years old and youngest is up 3-5 times per night. But I don't go bleating on to others about how lucky they are that their child sleeps through when they may well have spent weeks doing 'rapid return' or whatever to get their children that way.

Have you actually read the thread Op? .
Who said well behaved children were boring, for instance?
You've totally missed everybodies point.

Many people have said they'd rather have their spirited child than my boring one who does as they're asked.

What you really need op is a hug and a cuppa.

All these silly threads ... honestly...

My parents always used to say that the most difficult child is the last because that is when you stop having them. There is a lot of truth in that.

Though in my case, our eldest was actually the most difficult; just shows that I'm the eternal optimist.

And for the record, she is difficult in exactly the same way as my mother is difficult and that her dad was difficult; they have pretty well the same personality, the same problems, the same reactions and (it is becoming increasingly clear) the same MH problems.

There are things I can do to help dd to deal better with her personality- I can teach her social skills and ways of handling stress, but other things I cannot change about her and that noone has been able to change for generations.

Ds has a totally different take on life; his reactions make sense to me, because he is like me.

aliunsunshine, I think the question people are asking themselves is not why you don't bleat on about luck but why you do keep starting threads about how bad/helpless/misguided other parents are

are you sure you are ok?

I have not used the words nor inferences bad/helpless/misguided once. Nor do I 'keep starting threads' about other parents; there have been two in several months. I just feel sad for the children that are the subject of those two posts that they are obviously unhappy and that isn't going to change because their parents honestly believe that it is just luck that has led to me having a well behaved child(ren) and them not.

Please listen to what people are saying here ali

Its really not so much about your threads. Its more to do with the theme.

Many posters have said that you need to find a bit of help IRL.

Meet some more parents, why don't you check your local page?

I'm sure that most of your parenting fears would calm down, given the chance! :)

God you still don't get it do you OP?

Come back when both your kids are teenagers

Then you just might wtf you're talking about when it comes to the 'luck' issue.

But how can you know what these people's lives are really like?

I have known three sets of parents who at first sight came across very similar to what you describe in your OP. In the first two instances the children were subsequently diagnosed with ASD's and the third family is probably on the same path.

My SIL used to hint that my parenting was ineffective because I couldn't make dd walk the distances that her son, who was a year younger, happily took in his stride. I felt awful because I had no idea what was wrong with my dd; I just knew she couldn't do it and that I had to carry her.

4 years later dd was diagnosed with a congenital joint condition. She spent the best part of the next few years in a wheelchair.

The bit that is relevant here is the "barring SN". For the first 8 years of dd's life she would not have been covered by that get-out-clause because nobody knew she was disabled; everybody who saw us assumed dh and I were just soft and clueless. Dh and I thought so too.

I think my friend, in the third family, might be in the same place now: people are judging her because nobody knows why her ds is behaving so oddly, her parenting comes across as odd because she is trying to respond to a situation that is simply not normal and because she is worn down by it.

You really still sound unbearably smug Alis.
Have you thought about writing a parenting book or starting a blog?

My brother was a perfect child. A placid baby who slept through the night at six weeks, never skipped a nap, toddled about when he was older and was never a bother. Fast forward to adolescence, and from the age of 12 he became violent, hung out with the wrong crowd, was forever in trouble with the police etc. Only at 25 did he calm down and get his life back on track.

My little boy is only 20 months. For the first year he was impossible. We had raging colic for seven months and you could not put him down, nor stand still with him for longer than thirty seconds or he'd scream the place down. As a toddler, he is lovely, always smiling, tantrums far less dramatic than those of his peers, sits on my knee for a whole hour at library reading time etc. but I am not so naive to think that raising children is a constant, but rather, a journey with tough times that wax and wane.

I am the oldest of 3, my Mum will say that we were all brought up the same, if you ask my siblings and I about our childhood they are all different, no one is lying, it just circumstances and everyday life changed between each of us being born. One example I can think of, my brother and I have never lived with our Dad, wheras my younger sister was born into wedlock. She was raised by her Parents where as me and my brother were raised by our Mum and Stepdad. All in the same house, the same set of rules but a whole different dynamic.

My Mum beleives we she brought us all up the same, and whilst its true her beliefs and values never changed, the way she taught them to us certainley did. I do think this has a difference on behaviour.

I think what Im trying to say is that once further children come along, the situation has changed, one child has gone from an only to having sibling, wheras the other wont have had the experience of being an only, parents go from having one, to more, big changes on all parts and I think parenting does change, maybe not drastically but even subtle changes can affect the child.

I don't know where I stand on the luck thing though, there are def parents out there who dont give a shit, but there are plenty of well behaved children from those families in the world. I guess its a bit of both, hard work and personality of the child.

Hope that doesnt sound like total bullshit.

I don't think YABU, but maybe a little narrow minded?

Some of the behaviour of children is down to their parents. As you say, you have to set boundaries and enforce them. You have done this and are reaping the rewards. You can be justifiably pleased with yourself.

However, some behaviour is also innate. You may not appreciate that some children act the way they do, not because of poor parenting or because of SN but because they just have certain quirks which may look like poor behaviour to people who do not know them. Ds would probably fall into this category, yet everyone who does know him (including teachers) say he is really well behaved, you just have to stand back and look at things from his perspective some times.

Parenting is hard, it's great when you get something right. Don't judge other people though as you have no idea what they are trying to deal with.

Ali in twenty years of parenting I've met quite a few horrors. In some cases I absolutely did blame the parents - sometimes their parenting skill were atrocious. I'm talking about inconsistency with discipline, setting a terrible example in the way they dealt with resolving conflict, poor routine, lack of boundaries, etc, although in some cases the only parenting crime was to be a well-intentioned soft touch, easily manipulated by a strong willed child.

But in equally as many cases I could see that the parents were doing everything right, and yet they still got horrors. And one of mine (now a young man) has just come out of a pretty obnoxious phase himself, although as a small child he was easy, and a joy to parent. He used to think I was the strictest mother in the world so God knows what that says about your theory.

But I still know some of those horrors as adult children now, and they are delightful, respectful, successful young people. Children go through phases - good and bad. What you see at 8 or 18 months is not necessarily what you see at 8, 18 or 28 years. As I am sure you will find out in good time.

'I am the oldest of 3, my Mum will say that we were all brought up the same'

Same here and it would be utter BS. Parents always say they parent every child the same - these are often the same parents who talk about how different boys and girls inherently are, or how completely different their two or three children are from each other. Don't they think that these beliefs of theirs might just influence how they parent these different children?

And a parent of a new baby who already has a toddler will obviously be parenting the second child in some different ways to the first one, just because of having had the experience of having had a baby already, and another child to contend with. And that's without going into issues like the effect that baby number 1 had on mum's mental health or her relationships.

Absolutely cannot believe the annihilation that OP has had on this thread. I cant' remember such a flaming for some time. I don't get smugness from any of her posts. I have met many parents like OP's friend who (for example) don't even flinch when their child whacks them across the face and she's right - the continuing of that child's behaviour is down to the parents failure to address it. It has nothing whatsoever to do with 'luck'.

'I think an awful lot is down to a lack of consistency, and effort on behalf of the parent...all they can think about is what will make life easier for the next 15 minutes'

Absolutely LaQueen. A lot of parents just want their children to be as convenient as possible, and blame the child for their behaviour, rather than seeing it as their responsibility to address it.

I hope you were able to ignore your relative's rotten comments about you 'failing' as a parent by the way

I just feel sad for the children that are the subject of those two posts that they are obviously unhappy and that isn't going to change because their parents honestly believe that it is just luck that has led to me having a well behaved child(ren) and them not

ali you are mumsnet classic .

I have a very strict friend with very biddable, well mannered children. Unhappily, now that they are in their late teens they are all very lacking in confidence, self-respect and basic joie de vivre. I think her parenting technique has basically involved stamping on any hint of rebellion.
It's a tricky business this parenting lark and you need to strike a very fine balance with the discipline.

I had a friend who very much prided herself on her parenting and in particular on the compliancy of her eldest. And indeed her parenting techniques were excellent, firm , consistent, textbook in all ways.

What we none of us had the heart to tell her was that he wasn't quite so compliant when out of her sight...

Yes Cory my strict friend's kids are shockingly sneaky. If my kids want to do something I am unhappy about they will argue their case and we will come to a compromise. Her kids would just be shouted down and then go behind her back anyway.