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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?

999 replies

curiousgeorgie · 14/03/2013 08:55

PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.

It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.

I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.

PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.

My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere Hmm

So... AIBU??

OP posts:
digerd · 18/03/2013 13:35

What does your DH say about the lastest BIL/SIL outrageous behaviour putting you unborn baby at risk He should be furious with them.

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 18/03/2013 13:38

He's furious. I am too. I had my blood taken and have been told that if I have it it's going to be a wait and see because at over six months there's not a lot they could really do.

I'm sticking to the fact that the chance I've got it is very small...

OP posts:
Kiriwawa · 18/03/2013 14:05

Oh FGS, a stress you could do without. Fingers crossed it's all okay.

What a bunch of selfish idiots Angry

maddening · 18/03/2013 14:09

What did sil say when she told you? Did you let her know how wrong she was to do this? on top of screwing you over with the pils

KeatsiePie · 18/03/2013 14:15

Seriously?! Are they all crazy?? I'm so sorry. I'm really astonished that it didn't occur to them to check the risks. It's too ridiculous. So sorry, fingers crossed for you.

xigris · 18/03/2013 14:36

Utter twunts. I'm raging on your behalf Georgie Angry

funnyperson · 18/03/2013 16:19

curiousgeorge it depends what they mean by wait and see
If it turns out you have caught it during pregnancy and if it turns out that baby has it (baby doesn' t always get it from the mother) then all the evidence is that baby should be treated as a newborn.
I dont know where you are in the country but your obstetrician should be talking to the virologists (to make sure the right tests get done) and the paediatric infectious disease specialists. With respect the midwife shouldn't be handling this on her own.

claudedebussy · 18/03/2013 16:37

extreme, but you would be within your rights to cut contact with them until after the baby is born. they've proven themselves untrustworthy and unable to assess risks.

fcking numpties.

Skygirls · 18/03/2013 19:02

How awful. I hope your bloods come back negative for CMV georgie

I think you should let DH have a go at BIL and SIL ( selfish idiots) to let them know what they have potentially done to unborn child. Then get on to PIL and say that they may be infectious too, so they can't come when baby is born due to potential infection risk. If they get upset, he should tell them to talk to BIL and SIL as they apparently knew all about this.

You are far too nice to that family.
Hoping for good results for you Smile

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 18/03/2013 19:59

DH just called MIL to tell her what happened today in terms of the CMV and said that we're quite angry that we hadnt been told before... And she defends them!! She said don't have a go at BiL he hasn't been well and how were they supposed to know they had to tell you?!

I'm about a millimetre from being totally finished with the lot of them at this point.

DH pointed out that when DD got chicken pox we called SIL straight away to tell her (she was pg at the time) and we were so apologetic, we then followed up after she had spoken to her midwife and mum and confirmed she was fine and she'd already had it.

MIl said 'you had to tell her! Chicken pox is serious!'

I'm pissed off. If I could have wine now I would.

OP posts:
Katisha · 18/03/2013 20:05

Does she get it now? Has DH made her understand?

Goldmandra · 18/03/2013 20:13

They're not going to change are they? Your DH and his family will always come last.

I don't know why some families do this but I know quite a few like it, including my own. Some parents just seem to have a blind spot about one of their grown up DCs and the other is expected to understand that whatever happens to them it will never be as stressful, upsetting, important, etc as whatever the golden child is going/has gone through.

I really hope I don't end up doing it to my DCs but I fear it is likely as DH's brother and my sister are the golden children in our respective families so, if genetics has anything to do with it, one of ours is in for a rough time in the future Shock

I think you and your DH can now rethink your relationship with his parents. Accept that your needs will come last and you will be expected to fit around their wishes and those of BIL. Act with this in mind in the future.

You can only feel disappointed with someone if your expectations are high enough to be dashed. Don't expect them to put your family's needs first, just do that yourself. If they want something else unreasonable along the lines of invading your house when you have a newborn just stand up to them straight away and say a firm no.

You owe it to yourselves and your DCs to change this family dynamic and you may find that if you start being more assertive they stop taking the P so much anyway.

I hope your test results come back OK and you can relax a bit and start enjoying your pregnancy again Smile

SpecialAgentKat · 18/03/2013 20:15

Well now you have the perfect excuse for them not to come as if you didn't have enough already

They don't respect the health of their pregnant DIL and unborn GC. So they are unwelcome.

hermioneweasley · 18/03/2013 20:18

Your DH's family are selfish twats

2rebecca · 18/03/2013 20:20

As SIL has a daughter I'm surprised she didn't realise CMV was dangerous to pregnant women. Mind you I'm also surprised they know they have CMV because doctors don't normally test for it unless you are pregnant or have prolonged chronic fatigue type symptoms. Did they say how they knew they had it? It all sounds very odd, particularly all 3 of them knowing they have CMV.

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 18/03/2013 20:27

They are selfish twats.

SIL has a son, not a daughter. But yes, I can't believe she didn't think to mention it to me.

I want to let them know I'm absolutely fuming but DH is telling me to leave it and not make things worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 18/03/2013 20:28

They thought BIL had glandular fever, and he had a whole lot of blood tests. That's as much as I know right now, I don't know how they knew about SIL and their son.

OP posts:
thezebrawearspurple · 18/03/2013 20:32

Get mil where it hurts. 'since you obviously don't care that this child has been knowingly and recklessly exposed to a virus which could lead to life long disabilities you should take auntie up on her kind offer of accommodation because you won't be visiting when the baby is born (or ever). With such reckless disregard for this baby, god knows what you selfish, horrible people will expose it to next. My priority is the safety and wellbeing of my children, obviously you don't care about that, they can't be protected around you and your selfish son and his bitch wife. This baby will only be exposed to people who love and care for it. You and your family are incapable of that'.

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 18/03/2013 20:32

Print out the info about CMV and post it to both sets of idiots family with a note written across the top explaining that obv SIL/BIL know all this as they'd been to hospital about it. And another note saying "We are ANGRY and desperately HURT that you clearly don't care about us. Right now we don't know if we can trust you to visit AT ALL when the baby is born. From DH & Georgie

And then ignore any response that isn't grovelling.

G'waan. You know you want to ... Make the most of the anger ...

BlueberryHill · 18/03/2013 20:33

So your BIL is ill with CMV, which he has potentially given to you, your DH, DD and your unborn child, and your MIL says not to stress him out because he is ill... with CMV.

How stupid is she?

How could you not make is any worse by letting them know how mad you are? Is your DH the diplomatic one in your family who tries to keep everyone happy and makes sure their feelings aren't hurt? But no one ever thinks about his feelings / needs etc?

BerthaTheBogCleaner · 18/03/2013 20:34

x-posted. No, make things worse. Really, things have got to get worse before they get better. If you don't explain very clearly how you feel, and what they potentially have to lose, they will continue to expect to walk all over you. What actually have you got to lose? Worst case is they will all be cross and stop talking to you ...

BlueberryHill · 18/03/2013 20:34

I hope it is OK for all of you.

Agree with printing out the details for MIL, stupid cow.

digerd · 18/03/2013 20:35

.
Your MIL was insulting and bonkers ' how was BIL to know he had to tell you'?
Anyone with the slightest iota of intelligence and concern for you, would know.
What a ridiculous excuse she made for him. She also shows no concern for you and your DH either and is prepared to put BIL before you both and her precious expected GC.
Did she know and didn't bother to warn you either? < fuming face>
Your DH should have hit the roof at her when she said that.

digerd · 18/03/2013 20:38

ps
And why isn't the golden boy BIL overseeing the building works instead of you and DH who are getting no appreciation just being treated like dirt?

Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 18/03/2013 20:39

I've made DH text them both saying how angry we are and that until I get my test results back (and possibly after depending on good results hopefully) we won't be seeing them for the safety of our child.

OP posts: