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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want PIL to stay even though they have nowhere else to go?

999 replies

curiousgeorgie · 14/03/2013 08:55

PIL are having some work done on their house. Loads actually, it's a complete renovation and DH and I are overseeing it for them.

It was supposed to start last month and be finished by June but due to delays and adding a few extra things on its not not supposed to finish until mid to late July.

I'm due June 25th but will be having a C Section at either 38/39 weeks... I already have a 2 year old DD and to top it all off am moving house around the 3rd June.

PIL have been told that they should be out of the house for the whole of June until the work is complete. Before that they can stay and builders will work around them. They were going to stay with BIL & SIL but just learned that they will have her mother over (good timing!!) for practically the whole month and don't have the room, but we have a spare room, and after we move will have 2 spare rooms... So PIL have just assumed they're coming to us.

My DH is out of the house from 7-7, and PIL are in ALL day. I don't think I want them there when I am really heavily pregnant and just wanting to sleep in front of the tv with DD, enjoy seeing friends and not be a hostess. I also think it will be absolutely awful to have them in the house when I'm just home from a c section... My DH is planning 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks working from home and it was a month I've been so looking forward to.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable. He thinks they'll love being here and can look after the baby / DD for me... But I just don't want that. Even though they made a joke to DH that it's stay with us or in a box somewhere Hmm

So... AIBU??

OP posts:
Original poster
curiousgeorgie · 18/03/2013 10:03

SIL mentioned it to one of our mutual friends in a text this morning and she told me. I called SIL to check and she wasn't the least bit concerned!

OP posts:
mistlethrush · 18/03/2013 10:08

Well she wouldn't be as its of no consequence to them at the moment... the fact that there is a risk to your child is clearly of absolutely no importance to her whatsover.

Pity her wedding is not earlier.. Turn up with mask and gloves and make sure you're in all the pictures like that and holding dn at arms distance...

Seriously, your SiL is a nasty piece of work.

bootsycollins · 18/03/2013 10:14

Three cheers for Auntie J! curiousgeorgie I wish you a peaceful pregnancy, good luck with the house move Smile

TalkativeJim · 18/03/2013 10:27

I'd get to hospital and get tested- hopefully you're clear, and if you are it sounds like a further excellent reason to limit contact not only with SIL et al but also PIL, as for all you know they may be carrying it too! So... They may as well stay with aunt, as naturally now you won't want to have them around at all until safely after the birth and your initial recovery :)

Lambzig · 18/03/2013 10:33

Have just read the whole thread. Your SIL is a selfish mare, I hope you are ok.

I think your DH still needs to push this. Your MIL is not going to leave the country, she wants to see your baby (which is reasonable really) so your DH needs to ask where they are staying so it doesnt end up all last minute. I have a father who hears what he wants to hear and you need to know exactly what they are doing.

Not a criticism of you at all because its your DHs problem to sort out, and your aunt sounds wonderful, but I don't think discussing it with others so PIL can hear you say it, is going to sort it out.

As others have said your DH needs to ask them clearly where they are staying, but perhaps soften the blow a bit by making it clear they will be welcome for visits for a few hours when the baby is born as I think BILs comments will have made them scared of being pushed away. Particularly as your DH seconded them being overseas at the time and I can see that might have hurt them a bit. You sound lovely OP (and indeed they seem horrendously selfish) and I am sure you don't want a rift.

DeepRedBetty · 18/03/2013 10:34

Words fail me at SIL's arrogance!

Bugsylugs · 18/03/2013 10:34

Great to have such a sensible aunt.

I am Shock at SIL et al how very very selfish. Hopefully you are already immune.

Hope the move and rest of the pregnancy goes well

seriouscakeeater · 18/03/2013 10:37

What a bunch of ass holes! I would turn in to. Mega bitch and send a text to sil mil and bil stating " not only have I had the stress of coming cs ,I ve had to go through telling in laws they can NOT stay while I'm recouperating I now have to deal with the fact my unborn child might have a virus u all new about. Thanks! Use it to go in major hump and not talk to any one! X

PureQuintessence · 18/03/2013 10:38

Maybe sil does not know it is infectious and carry a risk to your unborn baby?

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/03/2013 10:42

"they've all been to hospital, got the results of blood tests" - I really would expect that they'd have been told at the hospital that it was infectious etc. Quint. Sad

Glaikit · 18/03/2013 10:43

But PQ, look how easy it was for you to find that link. As soon as my ds is diagnosed with anything, my first port of cal is the NHs website for more information. I find it hard to believe that she didn't know.

PureQuintessence · 18/03/2013 10:47

I was just from the charity of my very good and well meaning heart trying to give Sil the benefit of the doubt.... Confused

Glaikit · 18/03/2013 10:48

I Know quint, :)

LittleBairn · 18/03/2013 10:52

Gorge your far to kind for your out good had anyone in my family come into contact with me with something that could be passed onto the baby I would be furious in fact I would be telling them were to shove their wedding invitation.

Goldmandra · 18/03/2013 11:09

I guess that by not going along with SIL's perfect solution of having your PILs at your house you have highlighted the fact that she has thrown a spanner in the works by refusing to have them in the first place. She's probably a bit miffed at you for not going along with her plan quietly and allowing her to make out it was better for everyone. She may well have been put under pressure to got back to the original plan and put her mother off.

This is absolutely not an excuse. In fact her behaviour in putting your baby at risk is inexcusable but perhaps it is a reason.

thezebrawearspurple · 18/03/2013 11:31

I would be furious with bil and sil for exposing your unborn child to that, even though the risk is low, the consequences of infection can lead to lifelong disabilities.

I would send sil and bil a message saying 'how could anybody possibly be so stupid as to expose my unborn child to a virus that could lead to lifelong disabilities for MY child. I understand that you are both selfish cunts and wouldn't care for damaging your own children so can't understand why i am so furious with you. That is not a risk any loving parent would take, I know you aren't and will never be, that doesn't entitle you to endanger other peoples kids. Keep your selfishness to yourselves. I won't be wasting my time at your wedding and never want anything to do with you again, if anything happens to my baby because of your stupidity and self absorption, I will make the pair of you grateful to get to hell.

What is wrong with you people? First you think yourselves entitled to invite people to my home for months on end, then you think yourselves entitled endanger my baby, talk about making yourselves very unwelcome in other peoples lives. Go fuck yourselves, yours sincerely...'

myroomisatip · 18/03/2013 11:34

I think that is absolutely utterly appalling and I would find that very hard to forgive! I am furious on your behalf.

fiftyval · 18/03/2013 11:39

Good luck OP - I really hope this all works out for you and that the PILs have actually listened and heard what Aunt was saying. I do suspect , like other posters, that they won't go abroad as MIL seems to be obsessed with the forthcoming baby to a rather unhealthy degree.
I know all families are different but I am often flabbergasted on here with the amount of prospective GP's who are demanding and entitled about forthcoming babies. My mother didn't see her first grandchild until a few days later ( her daughter's child) and the other gp didn't see for weeks. The world did not end.
When I had my dd , same thing - people came when convenient to us.
People simply got on with what was practical. The fact that we all live a minimum of 2 hours from each other and at the time did not have space for endless visitors to stay, probably helped.
As for SIL's part in this situation, I originally thought that perhaps the original plan for the PIL's to stay with them was not exactly her idea either - but just foisted on her by BIL. However, the recent behaviour regarding the virus makes me think that she is just v selfish and self-serving.

teejwood · 18/03/2013 11:41

Bloody hell georgie - read your update thinking "well played auntie" and now you have the CMV situation to deal with!
Hope all goes well at the hospital but think you are well within your rights to kick up stink about this one. BIL/SIL really do live in their own selfish little bubble to have exposed you and the baby in this way.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 18/03/2013 11:47

Fingers crossed that you are immune anyway, or have escaped it.

Well done on telling your HV, it is reassuring to know someone is looking out for you and your baby Angry.

diddl · 18/03/2013 11:57

What absolutely thoughtless twats.

Doesn't seem strong enough, but the best I could come up with.

Surely a child with it, & no one else knows, is the easiest way to spread something?

Hope all goes well, OP.

AThingInYourLife · 18/03/2013 12:04

No way would I be travelling with a newborn baby to the wedding of those absolute fucknuts.

Their behaviour over the last fortnight would be enough to cut them off.

LilyAmaryllis · 18/03/2013 12:37

Please tell us how your blood test goes, I hope everything is OK.

I am feeling an evil impulse for you to cause trouble... call your MIL and tell her that precious BIL has potentially endangered the baby she is SO waiting to see. Can you get MIL on the warpath for you? (generate some family trouble in the other direction!!)

funnyperson · 18/03/2013 13:00

Dear curiousgeorgie I think that is really awful: they knew they were infected but didn't tell you in your pregnancy.

The following precautions should be taken and you need to make an appointment to see your consultant obstetrician to take advice. A blood test might not become positive till later.

'Preventing CMV infection during pregnancy'

As there is no vaccine, or cure, for CMV, it is important to take steps to prevent the chances of you becoming infected during pregnancy.

CMV can be spread through sexual contact so you should use a barrier method of contraception, such as a condom, if you are having sex during your pregnancy.

CMV can also be spread if you have infected saliva, or urine, on your hands and touch your mouth. The urine and saliva of children under the age of six is particularly at risk of being contaminated with the CMV virus.

Therefore you should:
-wash your hands with soap and water often, particularly if you have been changing nappies, or you work in a nursery, or day-care centre,
-not kiss children under the age of six on the mouth or cheek - it is better to kiss them on the head, or give them a hug, and
-do not share food, drinks, or eating utensils with children who are under the age of six.'

funnyperson · 18/03/2013 13:16

It is no longer strictly true that there is no cure for cmv. CMV is very common and in non pregnant people is usually harmless.

If it turns out that you have been infected in your pregnancy, (and blood and urine needs to go to a specialist lab) your baby will most likely be fine.

But if you have been infected, baby will need to be monitored during and immediately after pregnancy as there is treatment available in the rare event of baby not being fine.