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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that children should buy presents out of their own money?

216 replies

Dromedary · 14/03/2013 01:10

My DCs are 10 and 8. They receive very little pocket money, and small amounts of cash at birthdays and Christmas if they're lucky. If it is a family birthday, or Christmas, I expect them to use some of their own money to buy presents, and to really give some thought to the gift. If they had no money (but they should really hold enough back), they could make something. They sometimes also buy little presents for friends' birthdays, eg a packet of sweets. This makes the giving and the receiving really mean something. I have been really put off by seeing my, much older, nieces give no presents, or give presents which they have at best chosen at speed, with their mum doing the buying. They simply prefer to keep their money for themselves, and their mum goes along with this. At the same time, they don't bother to say thank you if you give them a present. It just feels like take take take.

OP posts:
BeeBopDingALing · 14/03/2013 18:46

But it's not "£100 a year disposable income" £75 of that is gifts that they have been given for birthdays and Christmas!
They have £25 a year income, and it sounds like they have to put a lot of effort in to get that, and you are taking a fifth of that for your gift.

'And brain washed children do tend to agree with their parents. ' Agree with this.

OP, every post you make is making you sound worse.

beautyfades · 14/03/2013 18:52

This has got to be a joke.

Original poster
Dromedary · 14/03/2013 18:53

They do actually earn money - a few times a year they have the opportunity to earn £5 for about one hour's work. This is in addition to pocket money and present money. The work is a lot more fun than sweeping chimneys, by the way.

OP posts:
imnotmymum · 14/03/2013 18:58

And ... they earn it they can spend it on what they like.
again I ask the question do you save your birthday money??
OP a few times a year...your posts are officially mental sorry but really they are or perhaps it me just a mad, mad Mother.
My DD did really well in a race and I gave a tenner to say well done in a card. Should she spend this or save it to buy a Father's day present or whatever? No imo.

Sirzy · 14/03/2013 18:59

I am starting to wonder if this is a wind up, or at least hope it is.

So basically you want your children to work for you to earn money to buy you a present - and you see that as fair?

Surely if children do jobs for money that money should be used to buy a magazine, or a toy or whatever the child wants?

BeeBopDingALing · 14/03/2013 19:04

In your OP you said 'It just feels like take take take.' It seems like you are the one that is take take take, but from your own children. I feel sorry for them.

I am also beginning to wonder if this is a joke

imnotmymum · 14/03/2013 19:06

Well she got the hump!!!

Bobyan · 14/03/2013 19:08

They do actually earn money - a few times a year they have the opportunity to earn £5 for about one hour's work. This is in addition to pocket money and present money

Wow £10 a year in addition to their other disposable income. Come on OP, admit you're just winding us up Grin

Original poster
Dromedary · 14/03/2013 19:21

Imnot - I have no idea what you mean when you ask "Do you save your birthday money?" Do adults receive birthday money? I don't think I've received anything like birthday money since my grandparents died, though it was probably book tokens. The money I receive is earned. From that money I pay for everything the children need, including many nice treats, sweets, etc etc. I am not so cash strapped that I need to pinch money from my children, as seems to be being suggested. Believe it or not I could manage to buy myself a £5 cd for my birthday if I wanted to. But that is not the point.

I find those of you who remain on this thread very weird - a bit like stepping into a parallel world. There were a good few sensible posts further up though. I'm going to leave you to say strange things among yourselves now, however strong the provocation.

OP posts:
KitchenandJumble · 14/03/2013 19:28

YABU. For children of those ages, I think that parents should fork over the cash to pay for presents. If the child spontaneously chooses to buy a present for a friend or relative, that's great. But I don't think it should be a rule imposed from on high.

Of course you want your children to think of others. But they are not thinking of others. You are doing the thinking for them.

And the "after all I've done for them it's the least they can do for me" attitude strikes me as such a grim way of viewing the parent/child relationship. Do you really see it as a transaction?

Finally, I hate to break it to you, but it is hardly unusual for other people to praise children when talking to their parents. Of course people tell you that you have lovely kids. (I'm not suggesting otherwise, I'm just saying it's hardly proof of anything.) Similarly, it is entirely predictable that young children would parrot back their parents' opinions if asked. Wait until they are adults and then see what they think of their childhood.

Bananasinfadedpjs · 14/03/2013 19:35

I'm one of the people upthread who (voluntarily!) used to save up their money to buy presents.

My parents were aware of this and perhaps that is whay they were very generous with things that others might have perhaps have bought with their pocket money - things like ice creams , chocolate bars, books - my Dad regularly came home with new books for me that he'd bought on the way home from work.

Perhaps if I'd spent more of my pocket money on myself then my Dad might have instead used the money he spent on me to pay for any presents I chose to give to others, I don't know.

The point is, I had free choice about what I did with my own money, and (I now realise, though I never thought about it at the time Grin) my parents were generous enough to make sure I didn't miss out anyway. But you can't make someone want to buy gifts for others. A gift should be freely and unconditionally given, otherwise it isn't a gift at all, it's an obligation!

crashdoll · 14/03/2013 19:41

Someone gives your child birthday money as a present and you expect them to use to pay for someone else's present.....and you call us weird? Do you expect them to give away a proportion of their actual presents too?!

I get that you want to teach them the value of money and giving. You have gone waaaaaay OTT.

HeathRobinson · 14/03/2013 19:41

'A good number of people have agreed with me, including most strikingly those who had a similar situation when they were children.'

Not me and this is what I had to do!

ArbitraryUsername · 14/03/2013 19:45

Most of those whose parents imposed a similar situation on them as children most definitely didn't agree with you OP. some people said they chose to do it voluntarily, which is not the same thing (and, as Heath points out, her parents made up for it in other ways). I do like how you talk about £100 a year 'disposable income' as if it is an enormous amount of money. It's less than £2 a week. And that includes money they get as presents themselves.

pigletmania · 14/03/2013 19:45

Yabvvvvu they are not earning, they are children, as you said they don't get much money. It's YOUR job as te parent to buy the family presents. Wtaf you expect thence to buy you presents! Your a parent it's your job to look after your kids without reward, if they want to buy you a birthday present or christmas present fine, but they are not earning so you can't expect tem to do this what planet are you on op. you sound quite childish tbh

wannabedomesticgoddess · 14/03/2013 19:58

Dont start a thread in AIBU if you already think YANBU. What is the point?

To gloat about your marvellous parenting no doubt. And to have a veiled dig at your SIL.

Hulababy · 14/03/2013 20:06

I wouldn't and don't expect DD to buy presents from her pocket money and most certainly not from her own birthday money; the latter seems really off to me sorry - if I was giving a child money for their birthday I would not expect it t be spent on someone else!

DD is 10y and does get pocket money. She doesn't buy gifts with her own money but she does have a big say in what gifts we buy for her to give to others. We have a budget of sorts and she spends time selecting what feels right for each person. She will also write in cards, etc. and will often make a card.

DD is also very appreciative of things she receives though - despite being in a very privledged position and receiving many lovely things, she always appreciates gifts, always says thank you both verbally and a written thank you note.

Maybe if she was ungrateful and acting in a spoilt manner I would rethink, but she really isn't like that. Her pocket money is, for the next few years, - for herself. We will provide the extra money required for her to buy gifts.

lljkk · 14/03/2013 20:11

You didn't start this thread to ask if your own choices were reasonable, you started this thread to ask if you were reasonable to declare other people's choices as BAD. That's where YABVU.

Hulababy · 14/03/2013 20:16

The present money they receive, imo, does not count. That was a gift to them from others. If I was a friend or relative and thought they would have to be buying others things from it I would insist on sending a physical present only and never money. I never give money anyway as I want the child to have something physical - not it risking going in a bank account and not being seen by the child for years on end!

So £25 pocket money a year? That's 50p a week, well less.

So a £5 present to mum is 10 times their weekly income!!!

Maybe if they were being given a lot more money each week, but at less than 50p a week - imo, yabu.

pigletmania · 14/03/2013 20:19

And you stipulate how much they should spend on you op. you sound mean and grabby, you don't get it. I would be pay with a home made card for my birthday.

pigletmania · 14/03/2013 20:21

Meant happy, £5 is a lot for a child really op get a grip

Snazzynewyear · 14/03/2013 20:39

"For what it's worth, the other day I asked my 8 year old how she was enjoying her childhood so far. Her answer was "Really great!". '

She's probably worried you will cut her pocket money altogether if she says anything else. Seriously, telling us your kids think this is a great idea is not convincing given your tendency on this thread to a) simply disbelieve that anyone could hold a view that differs from yours, and b) to insist that you are right no matter what. I would have to assume that your children are well used to this and have acclimatised to the idea that their mother is always right. Well done Hmm

One more thing - you have assumed that children whose parents pay for presents don't get involved in choosing the gifts, and are as rude and ungrateful as your nieces. That's a false assumption. Like most of the posters here, I wouldn't expect an 8 yo to pay for other people's presents but I would expect any 8 yo to graciously thank people for gifts. My DC know what is expected in terms of politeness - that is appropriate for 8 and 10 yos, expecting them to finance themselves is not. When do you plan to start charging them rent?

pigletmania · 14/03/2013 21:12

I agree snazzy i expect my dd 6 to thank people for gifts given to her, but never would i expect her to buy presents for people tha'ts my job, and never ever would i expect her to buy me a present Shock she is not earning, she is a child

akaemmafrost · 14/03/2013 21:38

My Mum used to make me do this. Not with gift money though but save up my pocket money to buy presents. It was normal to me but as an adult I realise she was/is as tight as a ducks a*se and I don't think much of her for doing it. Also when it was presents for her I couldn't buy her what I wanted, with MY own money, I had to buy what she chose.

Oh and OP increase your kids pocket money too, that's a ridiculously paltry amount.

SneakyNinja · 14/03/2013 21:51

Haha MN is full of em today!
'disposable income' for an 8 yr old? >snigger<
"How is your childhood going daughter?" >giggle<
" After ALL I do for them" .....Bahahahahahaha!

Someone please make it stop Grin