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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that children should buy presents out of their own money?

216 replies

Dromedary · 14/03/2013 01:10

My DCs are 10 and 8. They receive very little pocket money, and small amounts of cash at birthdays and Christmas if they're lucky. If it is a family birthday, or Christmas, I expect them to use some of their own money to buy presents, and to really give some thought to the gift. If they had no money (but they should really hold enough back), they could make something. They sometimes also buy little presents for friends' birthdays, eg a packet of sweets. This makes the giving and the receiving really mean something. I have been really put off by seeing my, much older, nieces give no presents, or give presents which they have at best chosen at speed, with their mum doing the buying. They simply prefer to keep their money for themselves, and their mum goes along with this. At the same time, they don't bother to say thank you if you give them a present. It just feels like take take take.

OP posts:
orangeandlemons · 14/03/2013 12:33

If it,s their money I don't think you should,dictate in any way how they spend it.
If my dd was expected to spend her birthday money on my Christmas present..well I can't actually find words to express it, except that it sticks right in my caw. I want nothing from her except a homemade card with big hearts on it. If she wants to buy me something, she has a quiet word with Daddy, but neither of us expect it.

You are storing up a lot of trouble for when your dc are teenagers imo

wannabedomesticgoddess · 14/03/2013 12:38

Also, what makes you worth £2.50 and her sister only £1?

TomArchersSausage · 14/03/2013 12:43

When I give a child money for Christmas or birthday it's because they're usually of an age where I'm not sure what they want or because I know they're probably saving up for something.

I expect them to spend that money on something for themself because I didn't know what to get them. I would hate to think they had to use it covering all the other stuff that crops up in life, I really wouldSad

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 14/03/2013 12:53

I cannot believe that you expect your still very young children to buy you a present! If homemade biscuits are so fabulous and show so much thought - why don't they just make you a batch of those?

OP you are really not coming across well here at all.

cantspel · 14/03/2013 12:55

Gee it sounds a bundle of laughs in your house.

Maybe you can find a few chimneys they can clean as i hear that is quite a good little earner.

seeker · 14/03/2013 12:56

Do you actually tell them you expect a £5 present at Christmas and birthday from you children? Really?

Original poster
Dromedary · 14/03/2013 13:05

FGS. I mentioned not charging for the ingredients because other posters mentioned charging for the use of craft materials if children made their own presents.

And no, I am not a loon. I'm just making an effort to bring up nice children who think of others occasionally and make an effort for others. It seems to be working so far - I'm often told how lovely they are.

I would hate my children to turn out spoilt and entitled, thinking that others owe them everything, etc. Being a child doesn't mean that you shouldn't contribute to the household by helping out, shouldn't give to people you care about rather than just expect to receive, shouldn't work hard at things. That's how you learn to do all that when you're an adult.

OP posts:
Still18atheart · 14/03/2013 13:06

YABVVU

They are children, it's mean on the person who gives ur dc the money at christmas/ birthday because they fully exoect that money on them noone else.

Secondly, they shouldn't be pooling their money it is their money and non one elses.

Also, pocket money should be spent on them, i.e sweets of their own not someones present.

Original poster
Dromedary · 14/03/2013 13:10

Seeker - I don't tell my children to spend £5 on my present. They talk to me about the kind of present I would like, and buy me a present accordingly. This year they knew I was keen on a certain music group, and bought me one of their cds. Nothing wrong with that.
I do a huge huge amount for my children - constantly taking them to activities, days out, nice birthday presents and party, helping them with schoolwork, etc etc. What on earth is wrong in them spending £2.50 each on my birthday present? It is a nice way for them to feel that they are doing something nice for me on my special day.

OP posts:
seeker · 14/03/2013 13:10

"Being a child doesn't mean that you shouldn't contribute to the household by helping out, shouldn't give to people you care about rather than just expect to receive, shouldn't work hard at things. That's how you learn to do all that when you're an adult."

I couldn't agree more. However, you are the one expecting them to buy you a present costing several times more than the presents they buy for each other.........!

BeeBopDingALing · 14/03/2013 13:10

At 10 & 8, really. No way I would expect my DCs to buy gifts out of their pocket money, this is a bit mean and tight of you. Help them make things. They should always say thank you or write thank you notes imo.

wannabedomesticgoddess · 14/03/2013 13:11

I am often told my DD1 is lovely.

I let her spend her money on herself.

My mum imposed ridiculous rules and standards upon us as children so we would "grow up proper."

I have a very strained relationship with her now due to my miserable childhood.

Original poster
Dromedary · 14/03/2013 13:14

Still18 - when does the miraculous change take place, when children are expected to start thinking about other people sometimes, rather than spending every last penny of their money on themselves? You may find that if they have been brought up that way, they simply, when they get a job for instance, carry on keeping everything for themselves, expecting their parents to do everything for them, etc. That is what has happened with my nieces. I see it with older adults too - they never have enough money to spend any of it on others, they are always too busy doing things they need to do for themselves to help others, etc. I bet they were brought up that way.

OP posts:
PeppermintPasty · 14/03/2013 13:19

I was struck by what you said here

"I do a huge huge amount for my children - constantly taking them to activities, days out, nice birthday presents and party, helping them with schoolwork, etc etc. What on earth is wrong in them spending £2.50 each on my birthday present? It is a nice way for them to feel that they are doing something nice for me on my special day."

But, you chose to have children. You are bound, emotionally, morally etc to have to do a huge amount for them, as we all are, yet here you make it sound conditional. Of course there's nothing wrong with them spending money on a present for you, but not as payback for all you do for them, surely?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 14/03/2013 13:19

I do a huge huge amount for my children

Your children owe you NOTHING. Its disturbing that you think they do.

StanleyLambchop · 14/03/2013 13:23

If they had no money (but they should really hold enough back), they could make something. They sometimes also buy little presents for friends' birthdays, eg a packet of sweets. This makes the giving and the receiving really mean something. I have been really put off by seeing my, much older, nieces give no presents, or give presents which they have at best chosen at speed, with their mum doing the buying.

You sound bloody smug!!

BeeBopDingALing · 14/03/2013 13:24

'I am not a loon.'
Read your posts back to yourself.

You give them Christmas money as their gift from you. Then you expect them to spend it on you on your birthday. Barking. That is not a gift to them then is it? If you gave them a toy for Christmas would you expect them to give that away to someone else for their birthday.

You don't need to be mean to teach them to think of others and have manners.

Bobyan · 14/03/2013 13:24

I do a huge huge amount for my children - constantly taking them to activities, days out, nice birthday presents and party, helping them with schoolwork, etc etc. What on earth is wrong in them spending £2.50 each on my birthday present? It is a nice way for them to feel that they are doing something nice for me on my special day.

Wow, you actually help you kids with their schoolwork. Forget the present OP, you deserve a medal for doing a huge, huge amount activities with your children that most normal people call being a parent.

imnotmymum · 14/03/2013 13:29

OP I am aghast. I do above and beyond for my kids because they are that my kids and I enjoy looking after them. I do not expect them to contribute financially to the house yes they help out do stuff and I do not have to nag and as I said are well behaved thoughtful and that si what is important. I am a littlke sad you think so low of your children and of your parenting skills that you will not bring up lovely rounded adults unless it comes to financial matters. This is silly OP really is. Give your kids a break do they really not think of other people or are you pushing this on to them.
Lighten up enjoy your kids and let them enjoy being kids one is 8 for god sake !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

squeakytoy · 14/03/2013 13:36

poor kids :(

Squitten · 14/03/2013 13:41

I'm amazed that you expect your gifts to be presented in exchange for being a parent! I have never heard that before!

I think most parents will tell you that even the most rubbish attempt by your kids at making a card for an occasion has more meaning and is more valuable than anything you can buy in a shop.

That is what you should be teaching your kids.

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 14/03/2013 13:43

Dear God OP, I think you have a very skewed idea about parenting.

To answer your latest question, I think that teens should buy presents for other people from their own money, or at least with a portion of their money, once they have a proper allowance.
Once I was 14 my parents gave me x-amount a month, rather than weekly, and opened a bank account for me. We sat down and discussed the things it should cover so that I knew where I was. I had the opportunity to earn more by doing the ironing.

There was still NO expectation that I would buy a present for my parents. None. However I chose to, because I wanted to.

Original poster
Dromedary · 14/03/2013 13:44

I'm beginning to see why so many children turn out spoilt and entitled. We hear from employers that a lot of young people don't expect actually to do much work when they go into employment, or to turn up to work on time, for instance. And that increasingly young people expect their parents to continue to do a lot for them.
It is not obligatory to spend most of your life on making your children's lives interesting. My parents would never have dreamed of behaving like that - as a child I was expected to help around the house, do my homework without any help whatever from them, and occupy myself. That was not uncommon in those days. What has changed, that some people now think that parents are duty bound, by having children, to every moment of family life revolving around them? And why is is to terrible to encourage your children to appreciate the people around them, and who do so much for them? They are people, FGS, not magical little creatures who should be treated totally differently from everyone else.
For what it's worth, the other day I asked my 8 year old how she was enjoying her childhood so far. Her answer was "Really great!". If she can feel that way, and be a nice person with it, who appreciates and thinks about others, I count that as a success. Call that smug if you like.

OP posts:
seeker · 14/03/2013 13:46

I repeat. It's you who's expecting a present, not them!

imnotmymum · 14/03/2013 13:50

Well what are you worried then OP if you are happy and your kids happy- I just do not get it. Well done it sounds like your kids are great. It is not obligatory no to make your child's life interesting and mine do do their homework and help out and occupy themselves but I do like to make their life interesting and present them with opportunities and this has no affect on their work ethic or their interactions with people and as seeker says it is not them demanding Mum spend money on them because they do a lot for her.
I do not get your point OP at all.

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