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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is BU? Me or DH?

423 replies

IsItMeBU · 12/03/2013 22:51

Me and DH have a 5m old DD

I use to do a bit of work for in laws family business, I did already have a FT job. I did a couple of different things to help out but mainly a certain thing. Well I HATED it but I did it for a year because they needed me to but everyone knew I didn't like doing it and didn't want to when it was time to start up again. In laws were fine with this and they knew I didn't want to do it this year almost a year ago.

Now it's come to the time to start doing it again and I've said no, I've said all along I didn't want to and gave them plenty of notice to find someone else and it was never a problem before. DH has told his parents I will do it and I've told them no so we ended up having a big argument over this and he completely flipped out on me. He then decided that FIL could talk me into it because he knows he can be very persuasive and I would struggle to say no, anyway I never gave a yes or no and just tried to change the subject. I told DH that this was unfair everyone knew how I felt but I'm being bullied to do something I never wanted to do and he basically said i have to do it because mil wants to babysit DD 2 days a week. Well I don't want to leave her 2 days a week.

We agreed when I got pregnant that it would be best for us for me to be a SAHM and I'm lucky we can afford for me to do that and I don't need to work. He has now said think of the extra money that can be yours to do whatever you want with. We put all our money in one pot and take what we need out of that so I wouldn't do that anyway.

Tonight we've had a massive row and he said I'm showing him and his family no respect by refusing to do this, why should he stay with me if he can't trust me to help out in the family business and basically implied if I don't do it then he don't know if he will stay with me.
This has made me more determined not to do it because I feel I'm being forced and bullied into doing it. I don't know if IBU in this and I'm making more of it because I don't want to do it and its a job I hate. Should I suck it up and do it or should I stand my ground?

Sorry for the long post and rant Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
IsItMeBU · 13/03/2013 10:02

Because MIL doesn't want too. I think that of I didn't have DD they would have accepted my decision to not do this again but now we do its perfect time for her to have her

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 13/03/2013 10:32

But you haven't said you want MIL to 'have' your dd, have you? Many PILs offer to take a child for a few hours to free up the Mum to do something she needs or wants to do. Yours are not offering you anything. They are saying 'we do not respect your decision to be a SAHM. It would be more useful to us if you did drudge-job x, so we will try to take that choice away from you. We regard MIL's role as GM as equally or more important than yours as mother.'

It tricky, because you can't easily say that dd spending time with MIL is not as good as her spending it with you. But, you can say that you have chosen to be a SAHM, sacrificed paid work in order to do so (with the full agreement and support of your DH presumably) and will now be devoting your attention to that task, just as everyone had agreed and understood you would.

You've told them before that you don't want to do their job. Just repeat that you decided and explained last year, you've no wish to explain again and you're surprised they haven't found someone else yet, given so much notice. You've made a very postive decision to devote your working hours to dd and are proceeding with that role. You'll be delighted for MIL to spend time with you and dd but no, or little, need for a daytime 'babysitting' service.

lottiegarbanzo · 13/03/2013 10:46

Also, I really don't understand why this wasn't all made clear and sorted out at the point that you and your DH made the decision that you would leave work and become a SAHM.

Sounds like he thought it would be ok at the time but is now getting cold feet, financially. Does he have any worries about losing his job for example, that might have prompted a less secure outlook?

Otherwise, you say you did this job for one year only. That was clearly filling to help out, it's not as if it was 'your job' for years and you've resigned.

Original poster
IsItMeBU · 13/03/2013 10:55

lotto no I haven't asked MIL to have her at all. They both no I don't like leaving DD and have been pushing it for a while now.

It all was made clear a year ago, everyone agreed and was completely okay with it and I thought that was all done and dusted until a few weeks ago. DH has said it was always his intention for me to do it.

It's nothing to do with money. We both have enough savings and he earns a good wage and his job is very secure, so I know he's no worried about that.

OP posts:
Lemonylemon · 13/03/2013 11:08

"DH has said it was always his intention for me to do it."

But who the hell does he think he is? He's making unilateral decisions about your life.

hellsbellsmelons · 13/03/2013 11:16

DH has said it was always his intention for me to do it

Exactly what lemon just said.
HIS intention!!! Blimey, you need to really look at this guy and what his is doing! If someone said that to me I'd be giving them 'what for'!!!

AllOverIt · 13/03/2013 11:25

If DH started talking about 'his intentions' with regard to what I did I'd give him a ticket up his arse!

KellyElly · 13/03/2013 11:25

Tonight we've had a massive row and he said I'm showing him and his family no respect by refusing to do this, why should he stay with me if he can't trust me to help out in the family business and basically implied if I don't do it then he don't know if he will stay with me. I would pack a bag for him and say that I didn't want to stay with someone who clearly has so little regard for my feelings and opinion and there's the door. I would finish with, I don't intend for my child to grow up thinking that controlling and bullying behaviour is normal. I suggest you go away and think about this and we can discuss this when you are prepared to treat me a an equal and not a subordinate.

AllOverIt · 13/03/2013 11:25

... Or a rocket.

F*cking autocorrect!

soontobeslendergirl · 13/03/2013 11:36

If it is such a "small job" then why doesn't he do it? Makes no sense to me.

TheWrathofNaan · 13/03/2013 11:46

I have been in your shoes. I desperately tried to keep my family together for my dd.

What I should have done was get back into work so that my bully ex couldnt continue dictating to us. Secure your child and your future.

BTW my ex had a good job and I had savings. He gave up work and you will be surprised how quickly savings get spent!

Snazzynewyear · 13/03/2013 11:56

In terms of 'showing respect' for him and his family, he isn't showing much respect for you, is he? So doesn't he think you deserve any?

Did you give up your FT job when you had your DD? Any chance they would consider you returning, if so? (after maternity leave period, I mean)

Zalen · 13/03/2013 12:11

My first thought on reading this was that you could maybe try to get mil and fil on-side. If they'd previously accepted that you won't be doing this job for them anymore don't they think it's odd that your dh is now saying that you will be doing it!

Having read further it seems like that may not be a viable option, only you know the full situation but is it likely that you'd get any where with a conversation with mil along the lines of, 'You know how we decided over a year ago that I wouldn't be doing x job anymore, dh seems to have got it into his head that I must do it. Could you explain to him that you've already made alternative arrangements as he's not listening to me at the moment!'

Failing that I agree with the other posters, stand your ground and if he starts in again with the bs about you showing no respect to his family and threatens to end the relationship then a very dignified, 'that's your choice, there's the door' and refuse to engage any further.

MummytoKatie · 13/03/2013 14:44

Are you still technically on maternity leave from your old "proper" job? If so, I think you need to go and see your old boss and discuss options for going back in six months or so. You can always change your mind in the future but you don't want to be burning bridges when there are questions about your marriage.

I'm a big fan of hoping for the best but preparing for the worst. So perhaps do some plans for how you would survive if the marriage did fail. Once you are sure you are secure then you can throw yourself into trying to save the marriage.

MummytoKatie · 13/03/2013 14:45

Sorry - by trying to save the marriage I don't mean doing what he wants but by trying to get the two of you in a place where you are both happy.

elfycat · 13/03/2013 14:49

Re post natal depression in men. It's not called that exactly (women only) but it is quite common for men to suffer with it [http://www.nhs.uk/news/2010/09September/Pages/new-fathers-postnatal-depression.aspx NHS]

and [http://www.dad.info/health/your-health/post-natal-depression-dads Article]

elfycat · 13/03/2013 14:50

Drat on the links - need and

Original poster
IsItMeBU · 13/03/2013 15:45

Thank you for the links

We've had another huge row and apparently I'm the control freak. He's told me im not having another penny of HIS money if I don't do this and when I said that's controlling he said no its called persuasion. He's dragged in laws into this and they think I ABU and I should do it. I then heard FIL and MIL bitching about me and how FIL has told him I'm bang out of order and if I don't do it then he needs to get rid of me. Wtf is that all about Angry

It's been a horrible day I've been so upset and DD has been very grumpy too

OP posts:
soontobeslendergirl · 13/03/2013 15:48

That's awful :(

What exactly is this hot potato of a job that has everyone so riled up?

AllOverIt · 13/03/2013 15:51

I'm not normally of the LTB persuasion, but in this instance I think you need some space.

He's showing you zero respect.

Outrageous Angry

CelticPromise · 13/03/2013 15:55

This is appalling, abusive behaviour from him.

Kick him out.

Zalen · 13/03/2013 15:56

That sounds horrible IsItMeBU, so sorry they're being so amazingly unreasonable.

At this point, if I hadn't been taught that two wrongs don't make a right, I'd be implementing a complete down-tools on anything for dh, no cooking, no washing or ironing, no anything for his benefit and when he complains just explain that it's not controlling it's persuasive and as soon as he drops the bs about the mystery job or moves out then normal service will resume.

Sheena99 · 13/03/2013 16:00

That sounds horrible OP, don't know if a reasonable discussion could ever work with someone who would threaten their partner to get them to do something, and you have tried. Second the idea of getting some space. And some RL moral support.

DeepRedBetty · 13/03/2013 16:01

Could you go and stay with your own family or friends for a day or two? Sounds like boiling point has been reached, you need some space and time to think about what you want and how to get it.

Blu · 13/03/2013 16:03

Do you have parents or othe close family near by, OP?

I would go away to them for a few days.

It is just not right that your DH refuses to respect your feelings on this. He and the ILs are behaving incredibly badly.

You agreed together that you would be a SAHM, your baby is only 5m, so even if you were you going back to work you would still be on maternity leave, you said a year ago you would not do this job again, your MIL is able to do the job....

Stick to the arrangement that your DH made with you, about you being a sahm, and go away for a day or three to stew. Let him see that things can and do happen after he has puffed out his chest and said 'tha's final'.

Then , if you do start talking again, maybe seek counselling.