Who is BU? Me or DH?

[IsItMeBU]

Me and DH have a 5m old DD

I use to do a bit of work for in laws family business, I did already have a FT job. I did a couple of different things to help out but mainly a certain thing. Well I HATED it but I did it for a year because they needed me to but everyone knew I didn't like doing it and didn't want to when it was time to start up again. In laws were fine with this and they knew I didn't want to do it this year almost a year ago.

Now it's come to the time to start doing it again and I've said no, I've said all along I didn't want to and gave them plenty of notice to find someone else and it was never a problem before. DH has told his parents I will do it and I've told them no so we ended up having a big argument over this and he completely flipped out on me. He then decided that FIL could talk me into it because he knows he can be very persuasive and I would struggle to say no, anyway I never gave a yes or no and just tried to change the subject. I told DH that this was unfair everyone knew how I felt but I'm being bullied to do something I never wanted to do and he basically said i have to do it because mil wants to babysit DD 2 days a week. Well I don't want to leave her 2 days a week.

We agreed when I got pregnant that it would be best for us for me to be a SAHM and I'm lucky we can afford for me to do that and I don't need to work. He has now said think of the extra money that can be yours to do whatever you want with. We put all our money in one pot and take what we need out of that so I wouldn't do that anyway.

Tonight we've had a massive row and he said I'm showing him and his family no respect by refusing to do this, why should he stay with me if he can't trust me to help out in the family business and basically implied if I don't do it then he don't know if he will stay with me.
This has made me more determined not to do it because I feel I'm being forced and bullied into doing it. I don't know if IBU in this and I'm making more of it because I don't want to do it and its a job I hate. Should I suck it up and do it or should I stand my ground?


Sorry for the long post and rant

[Cuddlydragon]

Bloody hell, why would he even think it's appropriate to ask if MIL can look after DD when trying to meet you? I think you could be right that he wants to see you to give her an excuse to look after DD, but, I really hope that's just being cynical. I'm really sorry you're having to deal with this. My own DC isn't much older than yours, and I just want to kick your H in the nuts for spoiling this time for you both.

[IsItMeBU]

Thank you cuddly.

[auntpetunia]

It's still all about MIL getting her hands on your DD! I agree he doesn't really want a. Meeting he just wants an excuse for MIL to play mummy with your baby!

[diddl]

Just gobsmacked!

I would have thought he would be jumping at the chance to spend time with his daughter & trying to work things out with you!

Can't believe that he hasn't seen his daughter for a while-and wants to palm her off to someone else!!

[StanleyLambchop]

I thought that too Diddl, He hasn't seen his daughter either but he is still only worried about his DM and her contact. She really has him under the thumb, doesn't she? Can you imagine that conversation? ' I know your marriage is on the rocks son but you MUST get me access to my granddaughter, no matter what! '

[ScarletWomanoftheVillage]

How awful that your H and his M are treating your lovely new baby as some sort of commodity.

You sound strong op, and sticking to your guns, very well done! Must be so difficult. They are behaving like the Sopranos, or the Ewings in Dallas!

The real work is in getting him to understand all this. Your DD is an actual person not some kind of prize your H can give to his M so his mummy isn't cross with him to make up for whatever is lacking in their relationship.

He needs to understand that he cannot go against your wishes with your baby in order to fulfil his mother's ridiculous expectations. Because once you and he are on the same side, then your MIL will have to back off.

He needs to show some respect towards the mother of his child. And that is you, not his mother.

I think a couple of sessions with a counsellor could help get this straight. A husband should not be putting the demands of his mother before his wife!

Very best of luck with all this op, I am so glad that you have started as you mean to go on.

[IsItMeBU]

Thank you everyone.

I'm just done now, today a relative got took into hospital quite ill so I left my DD with my best friend while I went, foolishly I answered he phone to H on the way and told him. His first Q where is DD, then why is she with xxxx my mum would love have her you should have took her straight there

Are you fucking kidding me! I needed to get there ASAP and all you care about is your bloody mother who lives a good 20moles away from where I was and you expect me to do that trip

[Snazzynewyear]

I hope you've sent him that last bit of your post, because he needs to hear it. Tell him your daughter is your top priority - not dragging her from pillar to post to please someone else - and it's a pity she is clearly not his priority.

[IsItMeBU]

I haven't spoken to him since I told him there was no way I was running round to make his DM happy and my friend is perfectly capable of caring for DD and he is a fucking joke not my finest moment

[toomanyfionas]

IsItMeBU
Sorry to hear about your relative and of course you made the right call in the circumstances.

It's a shame the phonecall with DH happened during the crisis as these things are tricky enough to handle.

Might it work to text him only? That way you have time to consider your responses. If you had been able to text him that it was an emergency and there was no time to be driving 20miles or waiting for the MIL to arrive, at least then he has a clear, emotion-free explanation.

I think it is right that he sees his DD but clearly this has to happen when and where is appropriate, and in agreement with you both. Expecting you to run round after him and his family is ludicrous. Clearly he is unable to grasp this so I wonder if texting, which gives you time to consider your his requests and your responses, might help here.

[toomanyfionas]

Ah just saw your last post.

Feelings are running high. Again texts may help here. Be careful what you say as these can be used in family court. Equally if he makes threats etc to you in texts, ensure you keep them.

[IsItMeBU]

Toomany, I want him to see DD and will do everything I can to help encourage it. I don't particularly want him to come to the house at the minute, it's all still to raw and it would hurt me to much to see him playing happy families then leave, that might be selfish but I need to do this for me at the minute. I don't know why I answered the phone to him, I haven't been for the last few days but from now on it will all be in a text.

He's going to want to take DD to mil soon, how do I handle that?

[toomanyfionas]

I know you do, you are quite clearly a lovely mum and would do anything to give her the family time and connections that benefit her.

About him taking dd to MIL, hmm, I think you need a time frame and back up. What is it you are afraid of? That he won't bring her back? Because if that feels like a real concern then I think you need legal advice.

Sorry OP I really feel for you. You deserve way better than this.

[IsItMeBU]

I do think he'll bring her back but when he's ready and not when we agree. I think if I send 1 bottle he'll decide its time to move her on to formula. Mil loves it when babies cry and just sits there listening to her while she sobs her little heart out and tells me not to pick her up because she likes the sound ect... She'll prolly start giving her food because she thinks it should have been done 2m ago and we often have this debate and if I'm not there to stop it she
L carry on and do it

I sound like a control freak don't I

[notmyproblem]

IsIt no you don't sound like a control freak at all! Weaning a baby early, letting her cry, keeping her from her mum for hours on end, etc. are all things that are legitimate concerns and your H and MIL have given you reason to worry about.

I think you do need legal advice ASAP though, if only to give you the knowledge and confidence to do what you need to in order to protect your DD.

[auntpetunia]

no you don't sound like a control freak, you sound like a mum who knows what is best for her DD and doesn't want a deranged MIL doing what was the done thing in the 60's or 70's and as for liking the sound of babies crying... WTF is that about.

Maybe she can have contact supervised by one of your friends or relatives who know what the rules are re Formula and food.

[IsItMeBU]

I think I will do.

I was so sure we would be a great little family but its all gone so wrong

[toomanyfionas]

No you do not sound like a control freak at all.

This is very tricky. I think that if you cannot trust your MIL to look after your baby as you deem appropriate (and clearly you can't) then she cannot look after her. She can see her, possibly visit you & baby when your mum is there for back up? But no, not on her own.

You do need legal advice.

[IsItMeBU]

There's no way it would be possible to have a family member. R friend there and it's no use having a good talk with H and agreeing because he is so easily manipulated its untrue

[IsItMeBU]

She doesn't like to visit us and the second Hhas her he'll go running straight there with her

[OxfordBags]

The fact that she loves hearing babies cry sends shivers down my spine. What kind of freak could sit there enjoying hearing a tiny wee thing so upset?! Sadly, it just just highlights what a bloody narcissist she is; how, for her, people merely exist to please her and give her what she wants and to give her the feelings she enjoys. And WTF about weaning her? The woman is deranged.

The fact that he might start putting her onto formula is so shocking. It also shows that he sees people as objects to fulfill his needs: how could he not see how cruel and upsetting that would be for a BF baby?! And keeping her away from her mummy for longer she can cope with, just to make his bloody mother happy and to punish you - awful, awful man. I know he's not done any of these yet, but the fact that you can confidently predict them is very sad. If he did them, it'd be abusive to you and DD alike.

You don't sound like a control freak at all. You sound like a very level-headed, dedicated, loving mum, who has her priorities straight (ie her DD's welfare). Yur Dh and his parents, esp. MIL, sound like massive control freaks.

You are allowed to say no to him taking DD to see MIL. She has zero legal rights to access to her. Tell him that he and her have behaved so outrageously and with sych selfishness and disregard for DD's proper needs and rights, that you believe you would be failing DD to allow that woman to see her without you there (or at all).

Be strong, you are doing the right thing for both of you. Is fab to see a woman who has been abused take such early decisive action.

[toomanyfionas]

I was so sure we would be a great little family but its all gone so wrong

I think you need some RL advice/counselling as you are probably in shock and feeling overwhelmed by what is going on.

I know this may sound crazy but would you consider family therapy for all of you? Because it does seem very sad for it all to go so badly wrong so soon. Obviously they are a very controlling family but with a mediator there possibly you could come to an agreement. If the mediator can appeal to any goodness they do have, perhaps they will be able to see the benefit of getting along with you.

What happens at this early stage can have far-reaching effects for all of you and I would really encourage you to get legal and other professional help to keep things as amicable as possible. I do not mean that you bow to their wishes. they are appalling. But if you are well supported they may begin to understand they need to back off.

[toomanyfionas]

Oh thank goodness OxfordBags is here. She is great at this sort of thing.

[OxfordBags]

Fionas, counselling/therapy is not advised in cases of abuse and coercive maltreatment, which this clearly is. The OH is also so obviously stuck in his pathological need to please his mother at all costs that it means that he needs loads of therapy for himself before family therapy could even attempt to work.

[OxfordBags]

Oh dear, I sound like I'm telling you off, Fionas, after you complimented me. I wasn't, I was just stating some facts (and thank you!).