Who is BU? Me or DH?

[IsItMeBU]

Me and DH have a 5m old DD

I use to do a bit of work for in laws family business, I did already have a FT job. I did a couple of different things to help out but mainly a certain thing. Well I HATED it but I did it for a year because they needed me to but everyone knew I didn't like doing it and didn't want to when it was time to start up again. In laws were fine with this and they knew I didn't want to do it this year almost a year ago.

Now it's come to the time to start doing it again and I've said no, I've said all along I didn't want to and gave them plenty of notice to find someone else and it was never a problem before. DH has told his parents I will do it and I've told them no so we ended up having a big argument over this and he completely flipped out on me. He then decided that FIL could talk me into it because he knows he can be very persuasive and I would struggle to say no, anyway I never gave a yes or no and just tried to change the subject. I told DH that this was unfair everyone knew how I felt but I'm being bullied to do something I never wanted to do and he basically said i have to do it because mil wants to babysit DD 2 days a week. Well I don't want to leave her 2 days a week.

We agreed when I got pregnant that it would be best for us for me to be a SAHM and I'm lucky we can afford for me to do that and I don't need to work. He has now said think of the extra money that can be yours to do whatever you want with. We put all our money in one pot and take what we need out of that so I wouldn't do that anyway.

Tonight we've had a massive row and he said I'm showing him and his family no respect by refusing to do this, why should he stay with me if he can't trust me to help out in the family business and basically implied if I don't do it then he don't know if he will stay with me.
This has made me more determined not to do it because I feel I'm being forced and bullied into doing it. I don't know if IBU in this and I'm making more of it because I don't want to do it and its a job I hate. Should I suck it up and do it or should I stand my ground?


Sorry for the long post and rant

[IsItMeBU]

I think I might go and stay with my mum. I just feel so confused and my head is messed up.

I spoke with mil and she has made me completely doubt that I'm right and not just being difficult

[Blu]

If your MIL is allowed to brow beat you, get your Mum and dad to have a go at your DH!

Not really, but they are behaving outrageously.

Does your DH work in this family business?

[Madeleine10]

You poor thing! This is really awful behaviour from both him and his dreadful family. From the sounds of them I can see where he has got it from!

I think if anyone actually leaves the house it should be him, though- he could stay with his riidiculous bossy parents - he certainly seems to think he owes them more than he owes you and his daughter.

Why on earth can't the parents hire someone else to do this job, if it's only fairly small, anyway? Are they too tight with cash, or are they trying to exert the same control over you as your husband?

And NOONE tells you, ever, when you will be looking after your own baby; if you don't want her to go to MIL, don't let her. You are her mum and your wishes are paramount.

[IsItMeBU]

Yeh DH does work in the business

No it's not that they are to tight to pay someone else it's just they want me to do it and "pull my weight"

[Madeleine10]

"Pull your weight"??!! You ARE pulling your weight, you are bringing up your 5 month old child! Their GC!

What vile people, the whole family sound totally controlling , and so unkind to be putting you through this, I'm really sorry. They want to win , I think, even more than they want you to do this job.

What was your relationship with them like before this blew up?

[IsItMeBU]

My relationship with them was really good, I got along well with them but looking back I never said no, if they asked me to do something then I did.

When DD came along everything changed and I know mil struggled with the face that I do things my way and not how she raised her kids 30 years ago, tat causes enough issues in itself

[Ullena]

LTB

[AllOverIt]

I think it's a good idea to tho and stay with your mum to let things cool off.

On your return, his parents need to butt the f*ck out of your relationship. This has taken it beyond the initial debate about them ganging up on you. This has shown there are more fundamental problems in your marriage.

[DeepRedBetty]

I said up thread it was getting near LTB territory.

I fear I was right.

[IsItMeBU]

My head is so fucked up

[Blu]

This weight pulling you are supposed to do: when you did the job last year, did they pay you? Are they proposing to pay you this time? Do they pay DH for his role in the family business?

Why don't they just employ someone else?

It is completely unreasonable of them to have cooked up a plan where your MIL gets your baby 2 days a week while you do a job you said last year you don't want to do and would not do again.

I assume it is some form of end of year accounts thing?

tell your DH there are several completely seperate issues in all this:

Your plans to work or not
Your well publicised intent not to take this particular work on again
Whether your MIL will or will not be providing regular childcare if and when you decide to go back into the workplace.

And that he has no right to make any of these decisions without your consent. You are not a serf in the feudal system of his family's business.

Write all this down, and go and stay with your parents for 3 or 4 days while he mulls it over and calms down.

[popcornpaws]

He doesn't get to tell you what to do because you are married. Sounds like he is afraid of his Dad, and that is why he is trying to control you, and force you to do a job you hate. I bet he's never said no to him before!
It sounds like they have it all worked out and expect you to fall in and do as you're told.

[dothraki]

Pleas go and stay with your mum. You need to clear your head. He is a bully. His parents are bullies. Now they want to take charge of your dc. RUN FAST. You can leave the door open, but he needs to see what he is doing to you. Good luck - I think you need it

[Madeleine10]

If it's end of year or VAT, I completely sympathise! I really loathe doing those for my husband's business, and always worry I've messed them up somehow.

If you used to have a good relationship with both your husband and your IL's, then no wonder you are in such a mess in your head- it's partly the sheer shock at them all seeming to turn on you now, as well as feeling powerless and bullied.

You are very vulnerable and no doubt tired in the early days of motherhood, they are absolutely awful to be behaving like this at any time, but even more so now.

Blu's post is spot on, and writing down is a very good idea. They need to learn that you WILL be taken seriously, you make your own decisions, and above all show you the respect you are due. They won't do that while they know that trying to bully and grind you down is upsetting you but not making you stand up and give it to them straight.
Some time apart from them, with people who really do have your best interests at heart will help you feel supported and help give you the courage to do what you need to.

Don't give in, please, there is more than the whatever it is job at stake here.

[EverybodysSootyEyed]

You need to nip this in the bud. Tell him his behaviour is unacceptable an that you will not be bullied. Go and stay with your mum or kick him out. Show him exactly what he is going to lose if this behaviour continues.

If you give in once you will be subject to this forever.

It sounds like you are perfectly capable of supporting yourself so you don't need him. He thinks you do. Call his bluff.

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

This is out and out bullying. You have have moved out of your allocated place at the bottom of the pecking order and it looks like everyone is trying to put you back at the bottom of the heap.

I think being a SAHM leaves you very vulnerable in this particular set up as you will be expected to be grateful for the support that you are getting and to show that gratitude by doing what you are told. (Note - DH was a SAHD and I always appreciated his contribution and it is OUR money).

I would go and visit your parents for a few days and think through the option of returning to work to give yourself some independence from him and his family.

[BeckAndCall]

Gosh, this is getting worse isn't it? I can't believe your in laws would be bitching about you - why would you want to work for these people in any case!

Stand your ground, go and stay with your family for a while - indefinitely maybe - tell him you're considering your options and next move but that it definitely WILL NOT involve working for your FIL.

I can't believe I'm saying this but it may end up in LTB territory here - but more like leave the whole horrible family.....

[ChasedByBees]

This is financial and emotional abuse and I really think you'll be better without him.

You should be feeling angry rather than guilt - there's a job relating to your ILs business which no-one likes. They've decided that they want you to do it because they don't want to, even though its their job. so they see you as their lackey. A subordinate. because them bonding with your DD is more important than you, her mother bonding with your DD. fuck that. Fuck guilt. Get angry.

I would seek lots of real life support as your 'D'H has no problems getting outside people involved in your relationship.

Give in to this and you will always be subordinated and it will get worse as you'll be in a pattern of always giving in. You already sound a little defeatist in your language. Break the pattern before it gets worse. You're under a lot of pressure from some awful bullies. I'd seek advice from women's aid.

[StuntGirl]

Good god, what is wrong with them?

You are absolutely not in the wrong, don't let them make you think that for a second. You informed them of your intentions, gave them plenty of notice to arrange an alternative and have stood your ground when they asked you to reconsider. Now being nicey nice didn't work they're going to bully you into it? Tell them to fuck off.

Your husband may have 'always intended' for you to go back, but you can tell him you always intended to leave. As you made quite clear, it's not like you lied to him or misled him.

Can you look into going back to work elsewhere, either your old job or another one? And I think you really need to look into getting some RL support, from family or friends, so you're not battling him and his family on your own.

They're a bunch of tossers, stand your ground with them.

[auntpetunia]

OK the "his money " got my back up! Have you access to a cash card or an account of your own, take out a chunk of of money today so you don't get left penniless and therefore reliant on hi. Then I'd put everything in writing and leave the envelope on his bag of clothes outside the front door, bolt the door and ignore him, he can spend some time with his precious mummy and daddy!

[myBOYSareBONKERS]

If you do go to your parents please ensure that you take any relevant paperwork or belongings with you - just incase he decides to change the locks.

I know legally he cant do this - but he just might do and by the time you have got back in the house things may have disappeared.

[IsItMeBU]

He does work for the business yes

I have my own account that my wages go into and bills come out of so that is secure.

He has said that because one day the family business will be his so in effect ours I should do now whatever is needed of me. I have never refused to do anything his family have asked of me in the past. I don't want any part of the business. I have my own job and money and I think we need to separate our finances.

[IsItMeBU]

I have a job that I could go back too but wasn't going too

[Blu]

Also, while standing your (perfectly reasonable) ground tell them that if the family business had had a completely unexpected crisis thrust upon them, that threatened the stability of the business for everyone, then of course you would drop everything, as far as possible, and help. But there is no crisis, you made your decision a year ago, your DH and you also made a decision about you being a sahm generally, and you are, in any case, on maternity leave!!

Is there any way of breaking the impasse? Is ther anyone else you know who could step in and do this? I reckon it is your DH who has caused the problem by saying 'oh don't worry, DW will do it', and now he has egg on his face in front of his Dad and the job is looming.