Who is BU? Me or DH?

[IsItMeBU]

Me and DH have a 5m old DD

I use to do a bit of work for in laws family business, I did already have a FT job. I did a couple of different things to help out but mainly a certain thing. Well I HATED it but I did it for a year because they needed me to but everyone knew I didn't like doing it and didn't want to when it was time to start up again. In laws were fine with this and they knew I didn't want to do it this year almost a year ago.

Now it's come to the time to start doing it again and I've said no, I've said all along I didn't want to and gave them plenty of notice to find someone else and it was never a problem before. DH has told his parents I will do it and I've told them no so we ended up having a big argument over this and he completely flipped out on me. He then decided that FIL could talk me into it because he knows he can be very persuasive and I would struggle to say no, anyway I never gave a yes or no and just tried to change the subject. I told DH that this was unfair everyone knew how I felt but I'm being bullied to do something I never wanted to do and he basically said i have to do it because mil wants to babysit DD 2 days a week. Well I don't want to leave her 2 days a week.

We agreed when I got pregnant that it would be best for us for me to be a SAHM and I'm lucky we can afford for me to do that and I don't need to work. He has now said think of the extra money that can be yours to do whatever you want with. We put all our money in one pot and take what we need out of that so I wouldn't do that anyway.

Tonight we've had a massive row and he said I'm showing him and his family no respect by refusing to do this, why should he stay with me if he can't trust me to help out in the family business and basically implied if I don't do it then he don't know if he will stay with me.
This has made me more determined not to do it because I feel I'm being forced and bullied into doing it. I don't know if IBU in this and I'm making more of it because I don't want to do it and its a job I hate. Should I suck it up and do it or should I stand my ground?


Sorry for the long post and rant

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

On a practical note, its not a bad thing for your family to have a source of income outside of the family business (assuming it isn't Tescos!) to spread the risk and not put all your eggs in one basket not to mention a running away fund if this carries on

[IsItMeBU]

I will tell him that, thank you senior

I've said to him that I don't want to work of his parents again because I think we need to separate things and it will make things more awkward if we split and I don't want to be any way reliant on them

[WireCatWhore]

Don't give up your job. Go back.

And I think you ought to leave him for a few days, for them all to stew.

Ha being a bully. And so are the in laws.

Take care xxx

[Xales]

Wow your H is showing his true colours now you are more vulnerable and reliant on him

Has the last say

Is his money

You are selfish

His family (not you and DD) come first

Will bully/threaten you with nothing and no support if you don't cowtow to his demands

Only you can decide if this is worth saving. You can't do it alone and you can't do it if he refuses to meet you half way. You will need to be on your guard not to get stuck in a position where you are reliant long term and he starts treating you as a second class citizen if you stay with him.

What a really horrible situation you are in when you should be making the most of your lovely baby.

[catsmother]

You know, what with all his pathetic remarks about "his money" and "pulling your weight" and, in effect, you doing "what you're told" I wonder if he's feeling jealous and resentful that you're a SAHM ?

NOT that that excuses any of this - not a bit. But it's as if he - and his revolting parents for that matter - imagine you're sitting around "doing nothing" all day, and he's got himself into a funk because oh dear, he's the "only one working" now. Which completely misses the fucking point (excuse my language) that looking a very young baby is a full time and worthwhile responsibility and who better to do that than the baby's own mother. Their collective attitude and insistence that you do this job regardless of any other considerations like your baby or your feelings on the matter smacks to me like they want to punish you for some god knows what reason. Unless your so-called "D" H has been off whingeing to them about how terrible it is that you sit on your arse all day eating chocolate bought with his money while he's working his fingers to the bone blah blah blah and taking on all the responsibility for keeping a roof over your head. And mummy and daddy are now feeling outraged on behalf of their poor ickle bickle little boy so have conveniently palmed off - or are trying to - this horrid job which saves them the effort of doing it themselves, or the expense of getting someone else to do it AND which puts you firmly in your place as some sort of underling.

I really don't know what to suggest to you because it's an awful situation where you're being bullied from all angles. They're not only bullies but also liars and hypocrites to have "accepted" your decision not to this any more last year, and for "D" H to have discussed and agreed that you'd be a SAHM. Your bloody MIL does not need to look after your baby - she doesn't need childcare as she has her mum. I'd definitely remove myself and the baby if possible - why should you be subjected to this nasty ridiculous pressure when you've done nothing wrong ? I'm very sorry you're going through this - it must feel very shocking to have had him turn on you like this.

[zwischenzug]

If he isn't willing to accept your wishes you may need to consider how you would go about ending the relationship. I agree with others this is emotional and financial abuse. If you were to give in, would you really want to continue a relationship based on effectively being a slave who does what they are told against their will?

Going to you mums sounds like a good idea, give your partners family time to rethink their position. But if they don't, you may need to accept your marriage must end.

[IsItMeBU]

I think that things will end, speaking to him he truly believes this is all my fault and he is completely right. How can we fix that? I can't see a compromise. We use to be so good together

[Madeleine10]

I think it's time to stop speaking for now, and maybe go off to your mums this evening or tomorrow morning.

Things are stuck, and the more you both try to talk about it the more entrenched your positions will become. Give yourselves some breathingspace for now, and thinking time.

[ChasedByBees]

You're being really strong OP. take care and get real life support.

[OxfordBags]

You can't fix it. Relationships are over once one partner becomes abusive. If they've allowed themselves to behave that badly, then there's no impetus for them to change, even being dumped or divorced, and there's no coming back from abuse.

Yes, it's totally abuse. And not just from him, the sexist, controlling bullyboy, but from his. Bloodyparents too. The apple doesn't fall far from the tree.

Being a single, WAHM is a gazillion times better than being a SAHM and being treated like this - and letting your DD learn thatvthisbis how women should be treated by men...

[GreenEggsAndNichts]

This is a horrible situation. Ofc he's convinced he's right; he keeps running to mummy and daddy over it and they're obviously helping reinforce the idea that he's right. The only person he hears dissenting is you, and he clearly (sorru) doesn't value your input.

I'm sorry. :(

[Skygirls]

What an arse! You're the mother of his child ffs!
So, he doesn't want you to look after your own child and let his mum do it?
Run! Go to your mum's and stay there!

He doesn't deserve you or dd if he can treat you like this!

[MagicHouse]

The whole situation sounds really unpleasant for you. You either need to face up to this together (if he would ever sit down and talk, and really listen to what you're saying) or you need to leave. I left a very controlling man who could also be a nasty bully.

Nearly 2 years down the line, my life is incomparably better. Leaving was a huge relief (though obviously horribly stressful and upsetting at the time). Not dealing with someone else's moods and outbursts is lovely. And giving that signal to your DC that actually being treated in certain ways is not right is also a relief (rather than tiptoeing round feeling permanently miserable).

I know how hard it is to make that decision though. I'm pretty sure that I would have stayed in my marriage getting more and more miserable and losing my identity, if something hadn't finally happened that I just couldn't ignore. I know you're not even there yet, and probably most of you wants to resolve this really, but speaking as someone who did get out, just wanted to reassure you that not only is it possible, but life can be pretty amazing if you do it. I think many people see themselves from the past in posts like yours, which is why some advice is such a strong message to get out - I think people want you to get to that point where you, too can look back and breathe a sigh of relief that life is no longer like that.

[Blu]

Bit of breathing space to calm down and let him get some perspective.

The more you row now the more entrenched it will get, as others said.

You stand no chance surrounded by him and his family, you are so ganged up on - go and spend a little time with people who are on your side in life, and give yourself a rest.

You don't need to be planning the permanent end to your marriage yet - if all the stuff about HIS money etc was a heat-of-the-moment unreasonable tantrum then he may well apologise and demonstrate that that isn't his underlying view. And then you can start talking.

What, I wonder, so frightens or angers him about this whole deal? Why is he so invested in YOU doing the job? What's going on in his head?

If he persists in trying to use money to blackmail you then you may want to think further.

But for now, really, I would just take yourself out of the dynamic of the row .

Take care of yourself IsItMe.

[MooMooSkit]

Usually don't post saying LTB very much but I do think it's come to the point that you do that, or he seriously needs some wake up call to see how U he is being (which I don't think is going to happen)

You are being great and have some great advice so far :-)

[voscar]

I've never replied to one of these threads, however your story is awful.

Your husband and his family are a bunch of controlling, manipulative c@nts and you need to get out of there fast. Before your daughter becomes a pawn in their games and the tool with which they hold control over you - and believe me they will.

[BegoniaBampot]

I think they probably do feel upset that this is the family business which will be supporting you as a SAHM which you want, but you don't want to help out as you have done in the past. It's almost a rejection of what they work for and that you want nothing to do with this. I would Imagine in many family businesses people just muck in and do what's needed. How long does this job last?

All the comments and arguments are bad and out of order but people get entrenched often and many things are said that shouldn't be. I don't know how you are both going to sort this out without causing a lot of ill feeling and resentment on either side but I'm sorry you are feeling so crap.

I'd write an email to your husband saying everything you have here, much better then getting into a heated argument where you will feel drowned out and brow beaten and he can read it calmly, hopefully and see where you are coming from.

[Yfronts]

He is being brain washed by his family - no normal man in the same situation would demand his wife do such a thing. He is putting MIL's and FIL's needs above your needs. Very warped sense of loyalty. They are all ganging up on you. Move out and tell them you will not be bullied - they will see less of their grandchild and have ample time to reflect on their behavior. Show your DH these posts.

[nkf]

I think you should consider getting a job of your own choosing. To my mind, everything - and I mean everything - in your post suggests emotional and financial difficulties as you bcome the lower/no earning partner.

[Yfronts]

BegoniaBampot - the husband is earning an honest wage for his work at his fathers company. Why should the wife work there too? It's not a BOGOF offer, the wife isn't automatically part of the deal. The OP had her own different work anyway before the birth of the baby! The IL's knew a year ago that you wen't going back AND your DH knows you hate the job.

[EverybodysSootyEyed]

it's rally good you haven't quit your job yet - is it possible to go back part time/flexible hours? you still have 7 months until you need to go back and it is much easier to consider it with a 12m old than a 5m old

[Yfronts]

You obviously want to be with your baby and be a SAHM. I really relate to that.

[EverybodysSootyEyed]

begonia - the op doesn't need to do this - the mil could do it or someone else

they want her to do it so mil can spend the 2 days a week with her dd

if it was something only she could do that would be fine, but it sounds like a shitty job that no one else wants to do so they think it should be dumped on her