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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Who is BU? Me or DH?

423 replies

IsItMeBU · 12/03/2013 22:51

Me and DH have a 5m old DD

I use to do a bit of work for in laws family business, I did already have a FT job. I did a couple of different things to help out but mainly a certain thing. Well I HATED it but I did it for a year because they needed me to but everyone knew I didn't like doing it and didn't want to when it was time to start up again. In laws were fine with this and they knew I didn't want to do it this year almost a year ago.

Now it's come to the time to start doing it again and I've said no, I've said all along I didn't want to and gave them plenty of notice to find someone else and it was never a problem before. DH has told his parents I will do it and I've told them no so we ended up having a big argument over this and he completely flipped out on me. He then decided that FIL could talk me into it because he knows he can be very persuasive and I would struggle to say no, anyway I never gave a yes or no and just tried to change the subject. I told DH that this was unfair everyone knew how I felt but I'm being bullied to do something I never wanted to do and he basically said i have to do it because mil wants to babysit DD 2 days a week. Well I don't want to leave her 2 days a week.

We agreed when I got pregnant that it would be best for us for me to be a SAHM and I'm lucky we can afford for me to do that and I don't need to work. He has now said think of the extra money that can be yours to do whatever you want with. We put all our money in one pot and take what we need out of that so I wouldn't do that anyway.

Tonight we've had a massive row and he said I'm showing him and his family no respect by refusing to do this, why should he stay with me if he can't trust me to help out in the family business and basically implied if I don't do it then he don't know if he will stay with me.
This has made me more determined not to do it because I feel I'm being forced and bullied into doing it. I don't know if IBU in this and I'm making more of it because I don't want to do it and its a job I hate. Should I suck it up and do it or should I stand my ground?

Sorry for the long post and rant Blush

OP posts:
candyandyoga · 18/03/2013 21:22

Why with a pinch of salt? The MIL is deranged! Op - please take this seriously - do NOT leave your dd alone with this stupid woman and I really think you need to consider of you want to be with this man. Think of your dd x

pointythings · 18/03/2013 21:38

IsMe you need to stand your ground. I'm sorry to say it may cost you your marriage, but you owe it to your DD to raise her to be what you are - strong, independent, able to resist emotional blackmail and abuse.

And you deserve so much better than your 'D'H - there are a lot of good men out there.

myroomisatip · 18/03/2013 21:49

BegoniaBampot I am offended by your post.

I was in OP shoes many years ago. I did not have the benefit of MN nor the support of friends and family as I had moved many miles away from them.

No way should she take comments from MN's with a pinch of salt. Do you not realise that many of us have been though similar circumstances and speak from (bitter) experience?

I do not 'love a bit of drama'! I love a quiet and peaceful life!

And if it were not for MN I would not have found the courage and strength to forge ahead and make my life just like that. I do not think it is appropriate that you try to minimalise the support being offered here, although I accept you can offer your opinion :(

OrbisNonSufficit · 18/03/2013 22:32

OP I've read this whole thread and honestly I just want to give you a big hug - what awful ILs...

You've mentioned a bit that you wish you could be as assertive as the lot on this thread (a challenge :) - have a read of this it might help understand the dynamic? Everyone can learn all of the conflict styles, nothing is inbuilt. It does sound a bit psychobabble I know but we use it at work and it's really useful (esp when you had previously suspected the person you're clashing with may actually be an alien)...

FrequentFlyerRandomDent · 19/03/2013 10:40

Do speak with people in RL. I can see also where begonia comes from. We are strangers and even though we mean well, talk is easy, action is less so.

I know what worries me are the seeming red flag: moving the goal posts in previously agreed arrangements, referring to his money and threatening to withhold access to money if you do not comply, pressure from the whole family to make you do sth you do not wish to do.

I am glad this has come up before you handed in your notice.

Re boundaries : Think about what you see working and by what age, e.g. DD one morning now and then when she is one year of age at your mum, one morning at your PIL, 3days at nursery, etc or whatever you feel comfortable with. Kids do grow and they are more fun and rewarding for GPs.

I must confess that in my family, the GPs did not want to be left with a small baby, as they perceived them as too fragile, needing mummy only, etc. The GPs are much more active now that my DCs are older (i.e. potty trained).

I do hope you have a better week.

Madeleine10 · 19/03/2013 15:17

I always use to be very outspoken but I know if I start something now ill end up losing. I can't cope with this forever but their always going to be in my life

No, not true Isit.

You are looking at this completely the wrong way round - if you go along with this utter ridiculousness from MIL, particularly re your little one, you (and DD) will be the losers- that's for sure.

If you find it hard to stand up to your husband and his family already, then caving for a "quiet life" will make it harder and hader.

If you start actually accepting and believing what everyone is saying - YOUR daughter, YOUR rules, YOUR decisions - you and she will be winners, not losers. It's called respecting yourself, and demanding respect from others.

They all do this to you because they can. When they start to learn it''s not working anymore and never will, then they will (eventually ) have no choice but to give up.

But you have to honestly believe these things to be true, if you are only paying lip service to the idea that you are in charge of your own child and it isn't coming from your heart, they will pick up on that and push, push, push.

They are really doing a number on you, OP , now is the time to fight back, even though you clearly find it difficult, understandably- but I promise it will get harder and harder if you don't start now, and the fall out will be worse..

candyandyoga · 19/03/2013 18:22

Well said muroomisatip begonia's post IS offensive - and downright stupid ridiculous.

Original poster
IsItMeBU · 19/03/2013 18:25

Madeleine I am in charge of mine and DDs life and the reason why all this is kicking off is because since DD arrived I've done things my way and not someone else's. I'm grateful for advice and listening to what works for other people but ill do what works for us and I think that's alot of the problem, I'm not bringing DD up the way my DH was. Ill make many mistakes but I want to learn from my own and not live my life the way I want too and not how I'm told too.

DH wants to me to meet him tomorrow and said mil can look after DD. I've said if I go my mum will. This caused more arguments

OP posts:
BegoniaBampot · 19/03/2013 18:37

really? I tend to take everything on here with a pinch of salt. the op or anyone posting could be a hairy handed trucker for all i know. each to their own. the op needs to speak to folk she trusts in real life who know her circumstances and the people involved rather than take everythjng a bunch of strangers on the net tell her, especially those who get all excited about yelling LTB as they then turn over to corrie or EE.

Original poster
IsItMeBU · 19/03/2013 18:46

I think it's easier to speak to people on here and get advice and information from people who have been in a similar situation or who just offer support. For me personally I don't like talking to too many people on RL because I prefer my private life to remain private and that's why for me MN has been a huge support because I can be open and vent. People can choose what information to take or ignore.

OP posts:
Skygirls · 19/03/2013 19:46

Well said IsIt
Hope you stick to your guns. I would let my mum take dd instead of mil if I were in your position.

Good luck.

IneedAsockamnesty · 19/03/2013 20:14

Do you mind me asking how the argument went when you said your mum would not mil.

Weird question I know but I'm really struggling to understand how a bloke who wants ( apparently) to win you back goes from "I would prefer my mum to" to arguing. Its hardly the actions of a chap whose trying not to be a bully or to reassure you he's going to stop with the pressure,is it.

Original poster
IsItMeBU · 19/03/2013 20:35

He said he wants his mum too because she hasn't seen her for almost a week and wants to spend time with her and I replied that my mum is staying with me (she's not) so shell already be here and I don't want to be driving around back and forward, he then said if my mum is staying with me then she's seen DD enough so mil should have her so I just replied well its up to you if you wanna meet or not. He never bothered replying but I got a text not long ago asking if he can come and spend time with DD so I lied and said she's already down for he night Blush I felt bad lying but I just don't want him to come around.

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 19/03/2013 21:04

That's fair enough at the end of the day you are currently living apart and both of you need to respect each others personal space and time as well as arrangements.

You don't get to demand he come over and do xyz equally as such he does not get to do the same to you.

He gets to decide if be wants to take dd to visit his mother on the times he has dd you get to decide when you have her.

BeckAndCall · 19/03/2013 21:12

Sorry IsIt but he's just not getting it at all - he's still trying to broker time for his mum to see your DDlike she's available for hire. She is not - it's about what's best for her which at the moment is anything that suits YOU.

How can he not see that these interventions on behalf of his mother are ruining any chance he has of a future family life? Can you just ask him to not mention his parents for say, a week, and think about just the three of you and where you go from here? His parents are not part of your solution but they sure as hell are a huge part of the problem.

IneedAsockamnesty · 19/03/2013 21:14

Just incase you didn't realise I ment it was fair enough that you said no and said he couldn't come round.

Lueji · 19/03/2013 21:20

Personally, I'd meet in neutral ground, where you can leave when you want.
He's not happy to have your mum there because they want to continue to bully you.

SelfconfessedSpoonyFucker · 19/03/2013 21:25

Is it, you are doing such a great job :)

MIL will not die if she doesn't see DD for a week, or two or even four.

We live on another continent from the GPs and have done since my eldest was 2 1/2. He is now 16 and has a great relationship with his grandparents.

Original poster
IsItMeBU · 19/03/2013 21:54

I would let him come to my mums or sisters whenever he wanted too. I don't want to stop him seeing DD but our time apart isn't going to work if he comes home for a few hours whenever he wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
IsItMeBU · 19/03/2013 21:55

Beck - I might suggest that, I think our problems are so far gone I'm not sure if we can come. Back from this

OP posts:
Xales · 19/03/2013 21:56

It may not feel like it but you are doing great especially as this must be really upsetting for you.

He just doesn't get it does he Sad

WhereYouLeftIt · 19/03/2013 22:01

"DH wants to me to meet him tomorrow and said mil can look after DD."
"He said he wants his mum too because she hasn't seen her for almost a week and wants to spend time with her"
Still all about her, isn't it? Sad

Original poster
IsItMeBU · 19/03/2013 22:02

I thought maybe the time we've spent apart would have gotten a bit easier by now but I still feel confused

OP posts:
Original poster
IsItMeBU · 19/03/2013 22:03

Where - I'm not sure he even wants to meet me to see me, I think it's more about DD

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 19/03/2013 22:12

I think you could be right, IsIt Sad. He really is in thrall to his parents.