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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Who is BU? Me or DH?

423 replies

IsItMeBU · 12/03/2013 22:51

Me and DH have a 5m old DD

I use to do a bit of work for in laws family business, I did already have a FT job. I did a couple of different things to help out but mainly a certain thing. Well I HATED it but I did it for a year because they needed me to but everyone knew I didn't like doing it and didn't want to when it was time to start up again. In laws were fine with this and they knew I didn't want to do it this year almost a year ago.

Now it's come to the time to start doing it again and I've said no, I've said all along I didn't want to and gave them plenty of notice to find someone else and it was never a problem before. DH has told his parents I will do it and I've told them no so we ended up having a big argument over this and he completely flipped out on me. He then decided that FIL could talk me into it because he knows he can be very persuasive and I would struggle to say no, anyway I never gave a yes or no and just tried to change the subject. I told DH that this was unfair everyone knew how I felt but I'm being bullied to do something I never wanted to do and he basically said i have to do it because mil wants to babysit DD 2 days a week. Well I don't want to leave her 2 days a week.

We agreed when I got pregnant that it would be best for us for me to be a SAHM and I'm lucky we can afford for me to do that and I don't need to work. He has now said think of the extra money that can be yours to do whatever you want with. We put all our money in one pot and take what we need out of that so I wouldn't do that anyway.

Tonight we've had a massive row and he said I'm showing him and his family no respect by refusing to do this, why should he stay with me if he can't trust me to help out in the family business and basically implied if I don't do it then he don't know if he will stay with me.
This has made me more determined not to do it because I feel I'm being forced and bullied into doing it. I don't know if IBU in this and I'm making more of it because I don't want to do it and its a job I hate. Should I suck it up and do it or should I stand my ground?

Sorry for the long post and rant Blush

OP posts:
digerd · 17/03/2013 21:26

Sorry wrong thread!

Original poster
IsItMeBU · 17/03/2013 22:34

No still hasn't said where he is and I haven't asked either. He come and saw DD today while I was with my mum and you would think all these problems are in my head, he was very friendly, relaxed and chatty.

How can anyone just get someones birth certificate? He has asked me to take DD to pil tomorrow, not sure what ill do

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 17/03/2013 22:43

Do you want to take her? You don't have to.

Original poster
IsItMeBU · 17/03/2013 22:45

I feel maybe I should but its going to be so bloody awkward Sad

OP posts:
yellowbrickrd · 17/03/2013 22:59

But why should you? You certainly don't owe them any favours after the way they've behaved and you're in emotional turmoil. At the moment your priority is you and dd and what you want to do.

What if you go there and they all gang up on you, start putting the pressure on again? It could turn into a very unpleasant showdown.

anonacfr · 17/03/2013 23:22

It's dead easy to get someone's birth certificate online. You just fill in a few details (parents' full name/DOB) and ask for the copy to be mailed wherever you want.
You then get a passport form from the post office and take into passport office/post it to them with birth certificate, certified passport photo (signed by a trusted non-relative who also has to sign the form to confirm they know the parents and baby- we did with DH's work colleague who had never met me or baby) and then ask for the passport to be sent by post to an address of your choice.
Only one of the parents need to sign the form. You don't even need a copy of marriage certificate.

The most difficult part of the process is actually getting some baby passport photos- you have to go to a specialised place (that can sometimes be found at local post offices/pharmacies, so not ridiculously hard) to make sure they're within norm.

The best way to prevent any passport to be issued without your knowledge is either to never leave your DD or get it done yourself first and keep hold of it.

Hope it doesn't have to come to that.

IneedAsockamnesty · 17/03/2013 23:28

Why would you go there, you know its just going to cause you problems and hurt.
Not sure I understand why you feel obliged to set yourself up.

candyandyoga · 17/03/2013 23:45

No no don't go!

Skygirls · 18/03/2013 00:44

I agree. Do not go to PIL. They have been very unreasonable and unkind towards you, so don't give them the pleasure of seeing dd, and also because DH, who buggered off to god knows where, wants you too

PILs have no right to see dgd, unless you allow them that privilege.
Why do you feel you should? Don't do it... They'll probably use the advantage of being on their own turf to pressure you.

If you feel that they should see your dd, arrange to meet them somewhere neutral eg playground, restaurant, so if they try it on, you can just leave.
If it were me, I'd also bring along my DM or a close friend for support if they get nasty.

Be strong and stand up to them! If you give in now, it will be worse for you later on down the line.

WhereYouLeftIt · 18/03/2013 00:56

" I'm being bullied to do something I never wanted to do and he basically said i have to do it because mil wants to babysit DD 2 days a week."

"He has asked me to take DD to pil tomorrow, not sure what ill do"
I think I would not take DD to them. It's MIL's determination to have your daughter all to herself without you there that started this particular ball rolling. Perhaps, if she thought she wasn't going to get to see her whenever she issues a decree as much as she has until now, it might focus her on telling her son he needs to fix things. After all, it seems he dances to her tune Sad.

CSIJanner · 18/03/2013 03:07

Tomorrows Monday- would the PIL's usually see DD on a Monday or do you have your own routine? More importantly, at 5months, is she teething or likely to be hollering for you because if he's suggesting more than a couple of hours, she will not be happy? Was dad particularly hands on before and are you worried that MIL will try things with DD that yours not happy with, eg food, CC etc All things to consider.

And don't get guilted into things. PIL are perfectly capable of coming to your home and slating you, so why can't they come to you? Could you them that you're taking LO to the library for rhymetime so if they want, they can join you there and possiblly sing and read to DD. Just happen to have your mum of someone with you mind

auntpetunia · 18/03/2013 05:21

Don't go! Why would you just because he says you should? When you get up contact a friend and arrange to go out, to hers,to a play place or a shopping center. You don't have to do what he tells you to do.You are his wife and equal not a child.

Original poster
IsItMeBU · 18/03/2013 06:59

Your all right I'm not going to go. I was trying to think of it from a different POV that if my mum did t see my DD then I know it would upset her a lot so maybe I should make the effort with them but you are all right, why should I make the effort?

I know mil will do things I don't want her too. She thinks I should leave DD to cry whenever she's upset, I should have weaned at 3m, I should buy the nappies she wants me to use and start FF so she can give a bottle. Some of these things seem so petty but when they pile up it does effect you.

I'm going to make plans for the day

OP posts:
Skygirls · 18/03/2013 07:05

MIL wants you to FF so she can have a go? That's pathetic! Get some breast feeding leaflets which extol the virtues over FF and give them to her to read!
Then you can say that you're following the guidelines of the WHO and plan to BF until dd is 2! Wink

lottiegarbanzo · 18/03/2013 07:08

Those things are not petty. The question is, why would try to impose 'her' (out of date) way, rather than listen, learn and help?

Original poster
IsItMeBU · 18/03/2013 07:18

When she says things like that its never just in a general conversation or just friendly advice it's more things like "you need to start bringing me bottles because I want to feed her too, don't you think you've bf for long enough now she's had your goodness but jive her over now, she had a bad night last night (sleep wise) because she needs actual food, yours isn't enough"

Then when I don't do what she tells me it's because she's told it me so that's why I'm refusing and then DD suffers.

She's raised her own kids and their healthy so she probably does have some great advice but its never given nicely and the advice she has given me isn't going to work in my life and I don't know why I would change something that's working fine for me

OP posts:
Original poster
IsItMeBU · 18/03/2013 07:21

Lottie if there's something she tells me that I could do or try and it's useful to me then of course I do. I'm just learning as I go along and there are a lot of people with a lot more knowledge then me but its always on things im happy and comfortable with a don't want to change

OP posts:
digerd · 18/03/2013 07:28

I am probably the same era as your MIL and we did wean at 3 months as made it so much easier for us and was common practice.
BUT, MIL has no right to criticise you doing it your way and is downright out of order and rude. She is thinking of herself, not you, as would make it easier for her to have your dd.
Keep BFing as long as you want, she is your child not hers. She should keep her opinions to herself out of respect for you - of which she has obviously none.

Sugarice · 18/03/2013 07:39

MiL sounds like a nightmare, it's all about what she wants by the sounds!

Don't give in, carry on doing what you think is best for your daughter and tell MiL that next time she issues instructions.

Don't take dd round to them just because your h told you to either, you are in charge of your dd and keep telling yourself that.

PureedGoodness · 18/03/2013 07:43

I feel so sorry for you in this situation and how you are feeling bullied. Sounds like your dp maybe getting grief from his dm which is where all this is coming from. Is he still very much attached to his mothers apron strings by any chance?

lottiegarbanzo · 18/03/2013 07:46

I missed a 'she' out there, why would she...

Thing is, she was only following the advice current at her time. She has no special insight or wisdom. She needs to accept that advice has changed.

BegoniaBampot · 18/03/2013 07:53

Yes, that all does sound a pit over earring, don't think I'd cope well with that. Fortunately my Mil is the least interfering person you can get and I would trust her to do things my way as much as she could. I think ai rarely left my child much at all at that age as was still BF though didn't have family about. I would have said leaving your baby with her for a few hours now and then sou ded reasonable but obviously you can't really trust her not to do things you wouldn't approve of.

BegoniaBampot · 18/03/2013 07:54

Sorry - a bit over bearing.

Lueji · 18/03/2013 07:55

The more you tell about your MIL the worst it gets.
It is possible that he has been ground down by your mil, but does it matter?
He has chosen to be a bully. Not even take a step back and let you defend yourself against her.
He chose to bully you too.

And him seeming normal, it's because he was at your mum's.

Do avoid being with him, or either of them on your own.

candyandyoga · 18/03/2013 08:02

Aargh I despise women like your mil who give such shit 'advice'

You poor lady having to put up with her and having a 'boy' husband who would rather listens to her than you. :( I hope things get better but you need to not give in and stand your ground - dont let her say such stupid things to you.

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