Who is BU? Me or DH?

[IsItMeBU]

Me and DH have a 5m old DD

I use to do a bit of work for in laws family business, I did already have a FT job. I did a couple of different things to help out but mainly a certain thing. Well I HATED it but I did it for a year because they needed me to but everyone knew I didn't like doing it and didn't want to when it was time to start up again. In laws were fine with this and they knew I didn't want to do it this year almost a year ago.

Now it's come to the time to start doing it again and I've said no, I've said all along I didn't want to and gave them plenty of notice to find someone else and it was never a problem before. DH has told his parents I will do it and I've told them no so we ended up having a big argument over this and he completely flipped out on me. He then decided that FIL could talk me into it because he knows he can be very persuasive and I would struggle to say no, anyway I never gave a yes or no and just tried to change the subject. I told DH that this was unfair everyone knew how I felt but I'm being bullied to do something I never wanted to do and he basically said i have to do it because mil wants to babysit DD 2 days a week. Well I don't want to leave her 2 days a week.

We agreed when I got pregnant that it would be best for us for me to be a SAHM and I'm lucky we can afford for me to do that and I don't need to work. He has now said think of the extra money that can be yours to do whatever you want with. We put all our money in one pot and take what we need out of that so I wouldn't do that anyway.

Tonight we've had a massive row and he said I'm showing him and his family no respect by refusing to do this, why should he stay with me if he can't trust me to help out in the family business and basically implied if I don't do it then he don't know if he will stay with me.
This has made me more determined not to do it because I feel I'm being forced and bullied into doing it. I don't know if IBU in this and I'm making more of it because I don't want to do it and its a job I hate. Should I suck it up and do it or should I stand my ground?

Sorry for the long post and rant

Oh my goodness, you poor love being assaulted with all this CRAP while you are trying to enjoy your precious little baby.

Your DH and his parents sound quite nuts actually. I saw a glimmer of hope when FIL turned up to apologise but only a glimmer.

Your DHs behaviour is appalling, the threats, intimidation, abandonment, drawn out sulk fest all adds up to someone quite unhinged and with gigantic ego problems.

I am really glad to see you have support from your own family and that you are not giving in to their attempts to manipulate you.

I think probably you need to spend quite some time away from the 3 of them to strengthen and work out a way forward for you and dd. it sounds as though their bullying tactics have been wearing you down for some time.

The mil's parenting advice is very unkind, quite wrong and also all about her and nothing to do with what's best for dd or you. For that alone I would be keeping a wide berth.

Your DHs attitude that his parents' rights to your dd override hers or your wellbeing is bizarre and very worrying.

I am sorry for all you're going through but it is difficult to imagine that the relationship is salvageable.

For now take it one day at a time, go with what's comfortable for you (not what you imagine you ought to do) and check in here when you need reassurance.

"Then when I don't do what she tells me it's because she's told it me so that's why I'm refusing and then DD suffers."

ANd that's when I'd probably tell her to fuck right off . But I am a bit sweary by reflex bolshy .

I agree with others not to take her to see PIL today just because he has asked you; you have already made arrangements (even if you haven't). Also agree that when you next see them it should be at a neutral venue with your mum or sister also there. Don't feel that she has to see them so often; because they live close, they have seen far more of your DD than most GPs.

I know we have moved on a bit now, but I don't think you mentioned before that you were BF so I had assumed you were FF. The fact that you are BF makes their insistence that you take the job even worse. Did they expect you to give up BF so you could do the job, or to express, so your MIL could feed your milk from a bottle? This extra information makes all the advice you have been given thus far even more pertinent.

Cecily they wanted me to express and whatever I couldn't then they could give formula instead

Hi OP

Just to echo what others have said, these people sound awful.

I really feeli like the more time you have away from your H you will realise and remember more and more of this things they say and the way they have beentrying to wear you down. MIL sounds evil, but I think that's possibly true for a lot who think that no one will ever be good enough for their precious sons. fIL sounds like an idiot too. If you had just one of them on your side, I could see some ope for you and your DD. as it is, none of them are, and although I'm sure you will try and find good in them all, it seems that they don't have a decent bone in their bodies between them.

Your dP should be on your side. No matter what. Your married him and probably uttered the words to love, honour and obey each other, not him his bloody family.

He has and is letting you and your Dd down more than is acceptable.

He has walked out on a 5 month old and thinks it's okay to 'pop in' like a neighbour might to see his own Dd. he has been out for a night out whilst you've been left dealing with the accusations and feelings of guilt. He hasn't had the decency to apologise to you or your DD. he is acting beyond reproach in my very honest opinion.

I really do think you need to move out for a while. In a way, him leaving you at home 'stewing' and dealing with all the demands of such a young baby is also giving him power. I'm sure you don't want to have to leave, but I think that would be the most powerful message you could send. Don't tel him, or ask him. Just go. Your mum sounds lovely and she will help you. If you get some distance and see how someone who properly loves you helps you, you will see that your H has an agenda. His own and his family's. it doesn't matt whether he is trying to protect his future business, or whethe his Evil Parents are controlling him, he should be protest guy from all this crap.

Really, please give yourself the space and time to see everything that has gone on. I know with a young baby you're probably too busy to properly think about what's gone on before and is going on now.

Maybe a separation would be a good start, and make your H realise that enough is enough.

I was married for a long while and was unhappy for the whole time. I stayed because I thought I had to because I'd taken those vows. I also had massive issues with PiL. I was divorced about 13 years ago and even now, their words and ideas and ways affect me. The impact they had on me still has a hold and a has affected me in terms of my confidence. You sound much stronger than I was, but they will grind you down eventually and may even eventually poison your DD against you.

Every post you wrote just makes me think, enough. You've never had a good relationship really, as it's been all take from them and all giving from you.

I hope what I have said isn't upsetting or rude to you. I don't mean it to be. I've been following is thread from the beginning and am so so angry on your and your Dd's behalf that I just had to post. None of this is about the job it's about controlling you. I'm so sorry you're having o go through this and that you married such an arse and into such an evil family.

Look aft yourself and your DD. she is still very young and she needs you more than anyone else.xxx

Protest guy???? Should read protecting you.

they wanted me to express who the hell do they think they are? This is just UNBELIEVABLE!

FFS, it is your baby, not theirs. How dare they try and tell you what to do, how to feed your baby, who to leave your baby with, where to work etc. They are acting as if they OWN you! They are treating you like a child, undermining you, and overstepping the mark of grandparenthood by a LONG way!

You need to stick to you guns, and put a stop to this sense of entitlement these people have over your child, before this all becomes accepted.

NO! NO! NO! NO!

This. Is. Not. ON.

Thank you mumat39 your post wasn't rude at all. Reading your post I know it probably would be best for me stay somewhere else for a while but I just don't wang to leave my house DD settles so much better there and all her stuff is there but I see what you mean and maybe I should think a out it for a few days

Scarlett I don't want my DD growing up around all that and thinking its normal and I deffinatly don't want her little mind poisoned against me ever!

How can I stop a sense of entitlement when it's already there?

Good.

Their behaviour towards you is NOT NORMAL.

By stating that she is your baby, you have carried her for nine months, and you gave birth to her, so you will decide what is best for her, not them.

Actually, you can't stop them feeling entitled, but you can say what you will and won't do with your own baby and your own life. You can say that you won't put up with being told what to do by them.

There is absolutely no need for your MIL to have the baby on her own, and in fact as she has said she would like to do things differently to you, THAT IS EVEN MORE REASON TO STOP HER. They have put you in the position of having to protect your baby from them.

It will be very difficult if your husband doesn't support you in this.

You need to decide what your boundaries are and stick to them. Maybe post in relationships, there are people with experience there.

Do not hand your notice for work and look at options for childcare.

I second getting legal advice. Maybe I am getting paranoid after reading too many threads where H and PIL plot to keep DC and kick mum out. Please do speak to someone. At 5 months, it is easy to go in the day with DD along and get advice/information.

He doesn't support me on this at all and at the minute is all about pleasing his mum.

When things have been said for me to do things this way or that way I've said we do it xxx way and its what works for us and try and move the conversation along abit. I don't know what else to say.

Maybe I should frequent, I didn't ever think things would come to this, then again I didn't think it was possible for someone to change so much

Your MIL is a nightmare. Sounds like she's been allowed to have her own way for too long. I'm not saying that she shouldn't be allowed to see your DD, but I would be very reluctant to let her have sole charge of DD. Her behaviour is not normal.

Of course the really stupid thing is that if she was a nice normal Granny, who repspected your way of parenting, didn't cause trouble and just showed how much shd adored her DGC then in a few years time you'd probably be delighted to have her babysit! If she misses out on this it's her own fault.

Just read the thread: you poor girl! This family sound completely horrible. Unfortunately, they were always bullies but before you had DD it was easier to gloss over it and go along with what they wanted. It's unfortunately very common for abusive people's true colours to show up when the first baby arrives, because all of a sudden the woman who has been obedient and submissive for the sake of peace and harmony has another priority - her baby's wellbeing - and starts to assert herself. Your H's family are operating from the viewpoint that you are the junior servant in the family business and need to Know Your Place, and now you have produced a grandchild, it's even more important that they make you submit to them. In fact, it's vital that you disengage and protect yourself and your DD as they will just get worse and worse - and screw her up as well.
I agree with the posters who have suggested you get some legal advice: information is power and once you know what your position is, you can decide what to do next. Best of luck.

You stop it by making it clear it will not be happening.

Every time she offers her outdated advice you tell her that its out dated and no longer recamended.

Every time she makes a comment about switching to formula reply with a scathing comment about her being a lazy parent who couldn't be bothered to put the effort in,and you not wanting to make the mistake of putting her needs above your child like she did,(you don't have to believe this or even think anything negative about ff, but its a good way of bouncing back the put down after she does it to you)

When she goes on about leaving dd with her in your absence just tell her that you don't leaving your child with unsuitable people like those who think its ok to use cc.

That will stop it quite quickly.

Another way of handling outrageous advice is to treat it as outrageous.

"God no, why on earth would I do that?!?"

or as sock said

"Oh my goodness, I'd never leave DD with someone who fed her formula/left her to cry/whatever stupid thing she says"

God, don't leave DD alone with her, ever :(

Sounds like if you even left her with H he would run off to mil too

Laughing every time then covering your mouth and saying "oh sorry I thought you were joking" also works a treat.

That's what I've done every time my mother says stupid things like 3 month old babies can have cows milk instead of human milk or formula. Or you have to provide hard shoes for tinys before they can walk to get them used to them.

Oh I also should mention just incase someone reads my previous comment and thinks I'm saying something mean about ff,I'm not,I have no personal feelings either way as to how anybody chooses to feed there baby. I would never normally advocate trying to make anybody feel bad about anything like that. But the op is dealing with someone who obviously does not have the same good manners and who is trying to pressure her into stopping bf.

I can imagine that this MIL doesn't actually hear anything OP says. I can imagine her just completely only hearing what she wants to hear.

The whole situation is a very sorry one.

OP, I know you and your H are from the same culture, but are you from a non western/English one?

I'm asking as it sounds like some cultures where the MIL is the matriarch and can be a real drama queen if she doesn't get her own way.

Mumat39 were both English

I didn't go to see PIL today and nothing has been said as of yet so I ended up having quite a nice day with DD and made the most of having no rain.

I wish I had some of the guts that you ladies have. I always use to be very outspoken but I know if I start something now ill end up losing. I can't cope with this forever but their always going to be in my life

You will never end up losing. You sound like a lovely mum with your daughter's best interests at heart, and as she grows up she will realise this more and more. Whatever happens you will always be her mum. Bullies often back down if you calmly stand your ground. Your h is behaving appallingly by staying away. I would call his bluff and seek solicitor's advice about the situation/ contact etc should you split (even if you don't think it will come to that). Point out the fact that he has left you both and not told you where he has gone. Most will give you a free half hour of advice, you just need to book it.

Thank you magic. All I ever wanted was a quite easy life. I want to be the best mum I can be for DD and I want everything sorted so she doesn't grow up in any kind of hostile environments with people arguing and not getting along

Isitme- take what people say here with a pinch of salt, they are not having to deal with your situation and the outcome. People here love a bit of drama. You have to forge some kind of relationship with these people and hopefully sort it out, if that is what you want. No pointing pouring oil onto the fire, you can still be dignified and strong though.