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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Who is BU? Me or DH?

423 replies

IsItMeBU · 12/03/2013 22:51

Me and DH have a 5m old DD

I use to do a bit of work for in laws family business, I did already have a FT job. I did a couple of different things to help out but mainly a certain thing. Well I HATED it but I did it for a year because they needed me to but everyone knew I didn't like doing it and didn't want to when it was time to start up again. In laws were fine with this and they knew I didn't want to do it this year almost a year ago.

Now it's come to the time to start doing it again and I've said no, I've said all along I didn't want to and gave them plenty of notice to find someone else and it was never a problem before. DH has told his parents I will do it and I've told them no so we ended up having a big argument over this and he completely flipped out on me. He then decided that FIL could talk me into it because he knows he can be very persuasive and I would struggle to say no, anyway I never gave a yes or no and just tried to change the subject. I told DH that this was unfair everyone knew how I felt but I'm being bullied to do something I never wanted to do and he basically said i have to do it because mil wants to babysit DD 2 days a week. Well I don't want to leave her 2 days a week.

We agreed when I got pregnant that it would be best for us for me to be a SAHM and I'm lucky we can afford for me to do that and I don't need to work. He has now said think of the extra money that can be yours to do whatever you want with. We put all our money in one pot and take what we need out of that so I wouldn't do that anyway.

Tonight we've had a massive row and he said I'm showing him and his family no respect by refusing to do this, why should he stay with me if he can't trust me to help out in the family business and basically implied if I don't do it then he don't know if he will stay with me.
This has made me more determined not to do it because I feel I'm being forced and bullied into doing it. I don't know if IBU in this and I'm making more of it because I don't want to do it and its a job I hate. Should I suck it up and do it or should I stand my ground?

Sorry for the long post and rant Blush

OP posts:
WaterfallsOver · 16/03/2013 22:10

Yanbu. I'm so sorry for you and your situation, stay strong for yourself and beautiful dd. xx

candyandyoga · 16/03/2013 22:10

Good lord women like your mil really fuck me off. What is it with these stupid women that they are so desparate to spend time with the grand kids without the parents there?! No no no, don't let her. She is YOUR baby, enjoy her and stay home with her. She is only five months old! I hate mils like this.
Your husband is being a manipulative, controlling bully. I can't see how you can be with him - he sounds awful.

Vijac · 16/03/2013 22:15

Also, yes five months is really young. Can't they wait any other 6 months-a year to start asking about this?

Original poster
IsItMeBU · 16/03/2013 22:43

Sky girls - I dont think my DH would take her from me no. I do think if I let mil look after her for say an hour or so she would swan off with her for the whole day. MIL wants us to go on a big family holiday I said id rather not which DH wasn't happy about and said he's taking DD regardless so I'm not signing any passport forms m he can't get her one without me signing can he? I true,y don't think he would take her but I would have bet a lot on him not acting the way he has been

Thank you deep red they really need a bottle emotion!

Lashings I think you could have described that very well there

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 16/03/2013 22:48

Your legally married?

If so yes he can get one without anything from you.

Original poster
IsItMeBU · 16/03/2013 22:49

Oh

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 16/03/2013 22:50

You wouldn't even know about it if he did but decided not to tell you.

candyandyoga · 16/03/2013 22:53

I think you need to start getting some legal advice, you seem married to the husband and family from hell. :-(

Original poster
IsItMeBU · 16/03/2013 22:55

So I could get one for DD and put it away?

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 16/03/2013 23:05

You could, but you do need to get some legal advice just to protect yourself.

Original poster
IsItMeBU · 16/03/2013 23:06

Candy he use to be a great man. Funny, loving, caring and loyal we had a great relationship and I thought we were in a great place to start our family but seems things change

OP posts:
Original poster
IsItMeBU · 16/03/2013 23:07

I think I'll look into it next week thanks socks Hmm I didn't think things would ever come to this

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 16/03/2013 23:14

Just because you are taking legal advice does not mean you have made a decision as to the relationship. Its not the death blow ect.

Its quite sensible to make a decision when you have all relivant information and the advice is a way of getting some of that info.

terrierist · 16/03/2013 23:16

Yes, you should get a passport for DD then keep it somewhere safe, maybe with a friend or relative. You can also request to be notified if someone applies for a replacement (just in case) as you are concerned that DD may be taken out of the country without your consent.

IneedAsockamnesty · 16/03/2013 23:20

Am I correct in thinking that a parent with PR does not need consent to take the child out of the country as long as its for less than 30 days?

apostropheuse · 16/03/2013 23:39

Yes that's right Socketreturningpixie

dothraki · 17/03/2013 00:12

Is your dh an only child ? Are there no other female relatives on his side that would support you ? I think you MIL is disturbing, and her dh and your dh enable her. I agree that you should go and stay with your mum or your dsis. You need to think - but without the underlying worry - like will he turn up unannounced at 3am pissed ?

Original poster
IsItMeBU · 17/03/2013 07:38

I don't think he would take her I think I'm just panicking with what ifs Hmm

No he's not an only child

OP posts:
RapunzelAteMyHamster · 17/03/2013 08:24

If he's not actually from a different country, I think the passport thing is a red herring, he's not in a position to abscond with her permanently. Get one yourself, and put a note on the file that replacements can't be got without notification to you.

If you do decide to give your relationship another go, make absolutely sure you don't get into a position where your MIL has regular access weekly e.g. looking after your DD two days a week. Because if that precedent is set, and you then leave, if she seeks access then the courts may well grant it, and you'll be looking at handing your DD over for access to your MIL separately from your H.

Slinkysista · 17/03/2013 08:53

I feel so sorry for you, the first few months after childbirth are hard enough without all this. You are doing the right thing in giving yourself some space. Seems to me you DH has an idea how he wants his family to be, he just hasn't factored your thoughts and feelings in to it. I hope it gets sorted out but you most definitely not being unreasonable, your DH is being absolutely ridiculous, he should be totally ashamed of himself.

Blu · 17/03/2013 20:12

Wtf was he thinking anyway, to plan to go on a hol, without you and to take your (as in yours and his) baby away when you aren't happy about it! That isn't the reaction of a loving partner.

Has he said where he is, OP?

Wrt to the passport, just take her birth certificate and hide it at your Mums, he can't get a passport without it.

I know he won't abscond abroad with her, but how can he think of taking a small baby away from her Mum unless you are all happy about it?

StanleyLambchop · 17/03/2013 20:28

Can he not just apply for a copy of the birth certificate though?

The fact that he has suggested taking your baby DD away without you shows that this incident over the work is not a one -off is it? He has reacted in a similar way before when you did not agree with him. It seems like a slippery slope to him wanting full control over you, TBH. Well done for resisting it and please stay strong!!

BegoniaBampot · 17/03/2013 20:45

Sounds like he just verbally lashes out and sounds off, probably doesn't mean half of it. Not that it's ok for him to do this and he needs to realise how upsetting and out of order it is to act like this, especially when you feel and are vulnerable.

SanityClause · 17/03/2013 20:49

Blu, anyone can get a copy of a birth certificate, even a stranger. Such a copy can be used to obtain a passport.

digerd · 17/03/2013 21:25

OP
How did the family birthday party go. It was today, wasn't it?

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