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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not put a valuable ring in my fathers coffin?

116 replies

damppatchnot · 11/03/2013 20:40

My dad wore my mums wedding ring as it was nicer than his when she died and he died last week

As soon as he did I put it on my cross and chain as it makes him feel close

I intended to get a heavier hold chain to put it on partly as I lost the ring my mum gave me ( she gave my sister one too)

My sister was lovely last week while we lived at dads and nursed him but since his death something has changed

I'm the oldest and dad made me a joint account holder and advised me what he wanted after his death and that was to buy sister own house as she's in rented
That's all ok but she's saying the ring should go with him as its not mine and wants the funeral ASAP which means I can't let everyone know and organise a funeral to make him proud

Dad and I were incredibly close and he never got on with my sister.

I am grieving so much but she is being
v cold and when I said its just us she said no its just me and my girls

We are having a headstone abd I wanted my stillborn daughter mentioned as she was cremated and she just said we didn't know her and that's your personal grief

I am going to get a pot with my daughters name on to be near grave but the comment was v hurtful Hmm

OP posts:
McPheetStink · 11/03/2013 20:44

You need to do what you are happy/comfortable with

Regret is a terrible burden

So sorry for your loss x

danceponydance · 11/03/2013 20:47

My grannie was buried with her wedding ring and my Mum has regretted it ever since. You need to do what you are comfortable with.

Sorry for your loss.

Smartiepants79 · 11/03/2013 20:47

Surely when the funeral happens is a joint descision.
I know you are grieving and it sounds like the grief is sapping your strength but you may need to put your foot down a bit for the things that are important to you.
Is the disagreement about the ring because of its financial value?
Is your sister worried that you are taking something of value that should be shared?
If so can you offer to reimburse her so you can keep the ring?
Not sure about the headstone. Who else is going to be mentioned on it?

ImperialBlether · 11/03/2013 20:48

I think it must be really hard when your parent dies and you know they preferred another sibling to you.

You have a pure grief that your dad has died. You loved him, he loved you. Your sister doesn't have that and the only way she can cope with that is to lash out.

Please don't underestimate her pain. She's trying to make you feel as hurt as she is. Don't include her with any ceremony to do with your poor stillborn child. If she taints that ceremony you will never forgive her.

I'm so sorry for your loss and sorry for her, too, that she hasn't had the chance to be close to her dad.

Songbird · 11/03/2013 20:50

So your sister will be getting a house?

annh · 11/03/2013 20:50

Maybe your sister is grieving in a different way to you? When you say she wants the funeral asap what kind of timescale is that? Surely there will be a delay anyway while you find a time to suit the minister/church? How much time would you ideally like?

I'm sorry for your loss.

Yfronts · 11/03/2013 20:51

I think thats very hard of your sister not to want to include your still born. Organise the dates and just let her know after. Tell her there is a long list of people to contact and she could do half if she wants a quicker funeral. Otherwise she will have to wait.

Bogeyface · 11/03/2013 20:53

I have to admit that I wouldnt put your DD's name on the headstone. She isnt buried there and it wouldnt be appropriate imo. Regarding the funeral, I wonder if she wants it over and done with so she can move on. Your father preferred you to her, and she has made it clear that she doesnt really think of you as siblings in her comment about her and her DD's.

Possibly compromise on the funeral, she was his DD too and should have a say, but definitely no to the ring. Perhaps she is suggesting the more because she doesnt want you to have it, along with everything else she perceives you have (the joint account, the control, the favoured DD status etc).

ThePathanKhansAmnesiac · 11/03/2013 20:53

Did your dad not say what he wanted done with the wedding ring?
So sorry for your loss Sad, had you discussed having your baby's ashes and name put on the grave/ headstone?
It,s always difficult sorting these highly emotive issues retrospectively.

FWIW me personally would bury my dad with the ring, unless he had asked me not to.

Bogeyface · 11/03/2013 20:54

I meant to say that the pot with her name on would be lovely though :)

Bobyan · 11/03/2013 20:55

Did your Dad want everyone at his funeral? If he did ignore her and take your time and she can't make you give the ring up.

Grief makes people act differently so don't read too much into her behaviour, but do make sure you do what your Dad wanted, not what your sister demands.

Sorry for your loss

CloudsAndTrees · 11/03/2013 20:55

So sorry to hear about your Dad. It's lovely that he was wearing your Mums ring.

Your sister might want these things, but it doesn't mean she has to have them. You want things differently, and you matter just as much.

You need to work out the best way of not allowing your sister to have things all her own way. You might have to compromise on something, but she should not be stopping you from keeping the ring, and she should not stop your Father having a decent funeral.

Xales · 11/03/2013 20:56

Sorry you are going through this.

Did your dad wear the ring because it was nicer or because it was your mothers? I think that if the ring has been left to you then you should keep it. If it hasn't been left to you then I think it should go with him.

I think the headstone is a little strange unless you are mentioning all of his grand children. It could be a case of your sister seeing herself and her children pushed out even at this final stage by you and your child due to the closer bond you had with your father. Wouldn't husband, father & grandfather cover it?

I hope you can resolve it without a family rift at such a bad time.

annh · 11/03/2013 20:58

I think your sister is probably feeling very much like an after-thought at the moment. You say that your dad's wishes were to buy her a house, does that mean that you will actually be involved in the purchase and making the payment? Surely she should just be given a sum of money to purchase her own house? I'm sure your dad meant the gesture with the best of intentions but she probably sees it as further evidence of her second-class status.

EverybodysSootyEyed · 11/03/2013 21:00

I'm sorry for your loss

It does sound to me that your sister feels pushed out and is trying to assert herself with some o the decisions. Think very hard about whether or not you are really taking et feelings into consideration.

Agree that if you were left the ring then fine but if not you should not assume it is yours now.

Original poster
damppatchnot · 11/03/2013 21:02

My sister is a very selfish person

Her daughter has been v depressed for a while and when we tried to sort out my niece sobbed while my sister sat there with arms crossed saying I shouldn't have had children

Her daughter was in A&E on Friday ( see related post) and the hospital rang me first so I was there
Her niece is very depressed and wants to live with us but my sister said no and my youngest niece said mum shouts a lot and scares me

So there is a background

The ring is a 22 ct heavy wedding band and its a very personal item that I would not part with

She said dont keep it as the three girls granddaughters would argue about who has it! They are still children

My father made me promise to look after the children and make sure she buys a house so she's secure for the future when her child maintenance stops

It's the coldness I can't handle. I said you were so lovely looking after dad last week and she said she had to be there for him and I said I thought we were there for each other and she said no

I can't take much more

OP posts:
claudedebussy · 11/03/2013 21:03

sorry for your loss Sad i was close to my dad and i still miss him 13 years later. (unhelpful)

you have a duty to carry out your dad's wishes, and as he explicitly stated them to you you are absolutely within your rights to make sure they're met.

at the same time, your sister is grieving in her own way. she may feel bitter that your dad confided his wishes in you and not her. she may feel excluded and rejected.

the stillborn comment is horrible. she was his granddaughter regardless of how long she was with you.

nonetheless, people do strange things when they're grieving. if you can find it in your heart, cut her a little slack and treat her with kindness and love. string out the arrangements - 'oh but dad's friend from back in ww2 wants to be there and he has to travel from borneo...' whatever it takes. can't bury him with the ring - it's a part of your mum and dad that you cherish. stillborn will be mentioned because she was his granddaughter... you don't have to fight every battle in one go. just little by little.

and bottom line, just do it.

claudedebussy · 11/03/2013 21:04

sorry x-posted.

well, fuck your sister then. you have a duty to your dad who was there for you. your sister's made her feelings quite clear.

Original poster
damppatchnot · 11/03/2013 21:05

I'm going to buy a pot and put my daughters details on and put it near the grave. This was her idea and its lovely but she said she can't go on grave because "it's your personal grief as we never met her"

That hurt

OP posts:
bumperella · 11/03/2013 21:12

I agree with Xales re: headstone. Also, his headstone is about HIM, not about other family members so there's no need to mention names - I'd not fight the Named Grandhildren battle with your sister, jsut amend wording instead.

The ring - you had it soon after he passed away; this is before the will was officaily read/sorted out etc. I can absolutely understand why. BUT loads of ill-feeling is generated when Sibling A has something Sibling B wants, esp where Sibling B feels it was "swooped down on" before the deceased was cold. You hear it so often after house clearances etc., and it's very sad.
Is there anything your sister would like to remember your parents by - other jewelery, or an ornament, anything like that? I would attempt to speak to her directly, ask her how she feels about you having the ring, ask her if there's something that she would like to ahve, tell her that you would be delighted for her to ahve it.

Just ask yourself: would your parents want you and your sister to be falling out over their "stuff"? More likely that they would want their belongings to be split in a way that would ensire there was no ill-feeling. It's more important that you carry this out than that you "win" against your sister. Not to be a martyr and not have the comfort you need, but to think carefully over what's going to be OK with both of you.

Original poster
damppatchnot · 11/03/2013 21:15

He took ring off as he went v thin and when he was in a coma I put it back on him and prayed to mum to take him

When the undertakers came I told him I would look after it

OP posts:
FeistyLass · 11/03/2013 21:17

I'm so sorry for your loss and for your sister's loss. I lost my dad a few years and know how awful it is. Please be as gentle as possible with yourself and with your sister.

I think it is important that you both agree about the funeral and about what happens to your dad's ring. Try to remember that all that has changed since last week is that you both have suffered a horrendous loss and are dealing with your emotions.

I don't think your father's headstone is the place to commemorate your daughter but I think you should have some kind of memorial for her. I know my mum never did that for my still-born sister and she has always regretted it.

If you hadn't ever discussed that you would keep your dad's ring then I really think it would be best to take a step back and have a discussion about where the ring should go and why you both feel as you do. As ThePathan said if your dad didn't specifically tell you both that he wanted you to keep the ring then I would have assumed it was to be buried with him.

I've seen so many families tear themselves apart in the wake of a parent's death, please don't let that happen. Allow yourself space to grieve and respect your sister's approach to her loss too.

bumperella · 11/03/2013 21:18

X-posted... but also, just becuase your sister wants her kids to live with her and appears to be rubbish at talking with them doesn't mean that she doesn't feel real greif over this now. And her coldness? H'mm, everyone deals in tehir own way. i can see that it's not nice to be the recipient of the angry bitchiness (understatemetn!) but it is normal to be ANGRY AS HELL after a bereavement. Just awful to be on the receiving end. Tell her that.

DontmindifIdo · 11/03/2013 21:20

the ring - say no. Stick to your guns on this. Refuse to hand it over. What is she going to do really?

Does she know she's getting a house? HAve you discussed this with her? He made you promise your sister would get a house, is it that she'll be getting some money and you are going to tell her what she must do with it? That's not on, you can say "Dad wanted you to have this money because he hoped you'd be able to buy a house for you and the girls." but you can't insist. (Espcially if it's not enough to buy a house outright, you can't tell someone to take on a mortgage)

The headstone - I am sorry, but I feel your sister might have a point here, I think the idea of not mentioning any of the grandchildren on the headstone might be the best, just put his details and perhaps your mother's.

Viviennemary · 11/03/2013 21:22

I don't agree with burying valuable jewellery with the owner. Sorry your sister is being so horribly insensitive at this really difficult time. What a terrible thing for her to say. And don't put the ring in the coffin if you don't want to. Because once you've done that there is no changing your mind. Hope things get a bit easier in future.