To not put a valuable ring in my fathers coffin?

[damppatchnot]

My dad wore my mums wedding ring as it was nicer than his when she died and he died last week

As soon as he did I put it on my cross and chain as it makes him feel close

I intended to get a heavier hold chain to put it on partly as I lost the ring my mum gave me ( she gave my sister one too)

My sister was lovely last week while we lived at dads and nursed him but since his death something has changed

I'm the oldest and dad made me a joint account holder and advised me what he wanted after his death and that was to buy sister own house as she's in rented
That's all ok but she's saying the ring should go with him as its not mine and wants the funeral ASAP which means I can't let everyone know and organise a funeral to make him proud

Dad and I were incredibly close and he never got on with my sister.

I am grieving so much but she is being
v cold and when I said its just us she said no its just me and my girls

We are having a headstone abd I wanted my stillborn daughter mentioned as she was cremated and she just said we didn't know her and that's your personal grief

I am going to get a pot with my daughters name on to be near grave but the comment was v hurtful

Sorry to hear about your father's death and that things have been strained with your sister.

I really don't know what to advise about the ring. If your father had expressed a firm view about it either way, then I'd say respect that. If not you need to think about talking to your sister so that it remains in your mind 'my mum's ring' not 'the ring that caused irreparable damage to the relationship with my sister.' Maybe think about inserting a clause in your will that it is to pass to her/her daughters in the event of your death, to nullify her argument that you are helping yourself to all the goodies.

As for the wording on the gravestone I can see her point that it isn't the place to create a memorial to your daughter. I think that something along the lines of 'A much loved and missed father and grandfather' would encompasses all of his grandchildren including your still born daughter.

The ring is not yours to give or keep, though. I feel so terribly sorry for what you're going through, and I don't doubt your sister is unreliable and hurtful, but you should each have a ring. And if she sells hers, that is terribly sad, but it will be hers to sell. As someone suggested upthread, you could offer to buy it from her, but if she is as you suggest, she'll sell it to spite you.

If her children are underage, and your father left no written instructions about a trust fund for the DDs, then you need to give her the money.

Oh, gosh, that is incredibly difficult. I can see why you want so much to keep the ring if you are afraid she will sell it.

Is there any way you can do something that might make her see your point of view? It seems to me as if she is reacting against you (and your dad before he died) because the two of you were the responsible ones who didn't trust her. Her feelings won't have anything to do with how justified your treatment of her is. So, is it possible that you can in some way give her some autonomy in this process, so she feels as if she's not being treated as the failure of the family? Because at the moment, I suspect she is feeling as if you're taking away something that is not yours to take. Naturally you feel that if she is only going to sell the ring and blow the money, she is better off with you keeping and managing these things - but she won't feel that.

It must be horribly hard to be in your position, I do see that.

I'm sorry to be a bit slow here.. but did your father leave a Will?

I was under the impression that is he's died intestate then his estate will be shared equally between his surviving children.

www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_death_and_wills_e/who_can_inherit_if_there_is_no_will___the_rules_of_intestacy.htm

Like ComposHat, I'm slightly concerned about how you plan to distribute the inheritance.

Is there a will? If not then the assets and money will have to be split 50/50 between you and your sister. This is a legal matter and any other messing around could get you into serious trouble. It would be terrible if, on top of your grief, you also ended up with a legal wrangle too.

As to the ring - I would possibly get it valued and offer to pay your sister 50% of the value as compensation. It is after all an asset to be shared. Is there another wedding ring for your dad to wear? I would want to be buried with my wedding ring and would want my husband to have his too. They aren't particularly expensive rings though.

Is there a will? If not then the assets and money will have to be split 50/50 between you and your sister

It is being split 50/50

If both wedding rings are still around and the same carat, is it possible to have them melted down and made into two new rings, one each?

He told me that when I sold the house to put 2/6 of the proceeds in an account for her children when they are older and give her 1/6 of the proceeds in cash which she will blow as she has always done. I said this would cause problems so suggested I gave her 1/2 and bought her a house so she would have security when older as currently in rented and won't be able to pay when maintenance stops.

Yes it may be a 50/50, but OP said the above. I assume that she means the house will be bought out of the sisters 50% share. OP can't have any control over how her sister spends the money.

So sorry for your loss.

Death does tend to bring out the worst in people simply becaue people grieve in different ways.

Who is the eldest of you both? The ring should go there unless you can find a way to make two rings.

With regard to wanting to inter the ashes of your child, I do see where your sister is coming from - she wants to be able to grieve over her father at his burial space. I truely can see where you are both coming from over that; you want your child looked after by your father, she wants a space for her father alone.

Solution to that would be to have side by side plots, although expensive, if there is the money to buy a house, I am assuming you are going to get equal value of something. Therefore you could buy the side plot.

It's so difficult.

Why should the ring automatically go to the eldest, Holly?

Why do you feel you automatically get the ring?

Is there a will to stipulate how your sisters inheritance is spent?

I can see where she's coming from tbh.

I'm sorry for your loss.

You said in your first post that your dad wore your mothers wedding ring as it was nicer than his own. Are we talking about your mothers ring here or your fathers ring? To be honest, either way it shouldn't matter but if we're talking about your mums wedding ring, then hang on to it. Can you ask the undertakers to position your dads hands so that his left hand is under his right and she wont be able to change that? What can your sister do about it anyway?

Did your dad write a will? If there is one, is there any chance that it could be read before any funeral takes place? If your dad left you to look after things, then tell your sister that these were Dad's final wishes and I'm carrying them out as he had asked me to do.

Best of luck to you getting through this. Again, I'm sorry for your loss.

People do act odd when someone dies dont they? :( and I think the monetary stuff is very difficult to deal with as a lot of emotion is attached to it. Did you Dad want you to have the ring? this isn't very clear. Or did he want to be buried in it? It doesn't matter about the value of it really, if he wanted to be buried in it then you have to respect that - if he wanted you to keep it then, same applies

I am not sure why your sister is being so spiteful about your stillborn baby though :(

Why don't you immediately get the ring valued (what its worth NOT what you can sell if for) and give her half the cost. This will take the ring out of the equation.
Otherwise I don't see why you are involved with the rest of her finances.

Follow the directions of the will to the letter and leave it at that. Do not get involved in her share or her finances.

I'm so sorry for your losses.

I appreciate why you took the ring. Howeverif your ssister is that grasping she will only see you as being as money focused as she is. I agree with getting the ring valued and giving her half to keep the 50/50 split. If its not too much I might be inclined to offer the whole amount to keep the peace. If she is only after money she's not going to want to pay YOU for it is she, which is the alternative.

As for the names on headstone if all children are named then yes your little angel should be too. Stillborn or not is still another child.

I hope this gets resolved quickly x

If you speak to the undertaker you may find that the time frames required for legal paperwork, church booking etc take longer than your sister might think but if this can't happen, have the funeral and then organise a memorial service in your own time.

I think the weeks just after a person dies are when people often show their true colours.

I would undertake a search of the missing wedding ring ASAP. Either offer it to your sister or bury that one with your dad.

Offer to guardian the other ring until whichever of the granddaughters marries first, then the ring goes to that child. Could be hers, could be yours.

I think the idea of getting the ring independently valued and offering her half is a good one.

I also think you need to step away from the idea that because she appears cold to you that she is not grieving as you are. You are mixing all the things you dislike about her into this and reaching a conclusion which on some level is comfortable for you - 'she doesn't care like I do. My loss is more significant and painful than hers'
That doesn't mke you a bad person, just human. You are so upset that you can't imagine anyone feels like you do.

When my dad died I sat at the back of the church then wandered around at the back of the graveyard during the burial. I probably looked uninterested.
The thing was my sister had claimed all the grief for her own. She decided what flowers could be brought, sent emails telling everyone what the arrangements were, told us that dad had told her to do x,y and z. There was no room for anyone else's grief. She wrapped her recovery from cancer into his funeral so the day was more about her than anyone else.
I get that that was how she needed to handle it but I have never forgiven her.

However grimly she has expressed it (and whilst I do feel very sorry for you enduring so much loss) she may be feeling shut out as your grief is being made more personal, more intense than hers. Especially if she felt less ignificant o him during his life. In that situation I had no choice but just emotionally withdrew. I hate her for that. My mourning for my dad was made unimportant in the tidal wave of her loss.

You may be right. She may be a cold, self centred cow. But what if she isn't.

Dad wore mums ring as it helped him

He took it off when he was thin and said put it somewhere safe. When he deteriorated I put it on my chain and he saw it there.

Its worth about £1200 and I have already given sister lots of cash (£250) since last week as she said she's skint I can give her the rest today but as dad said keep safe and took it off I don't think he wants to be buried with it and he took it off mum and his parents both had their rings off too x

If your dad gave it to you and said keep it safe surely its yours? Give your sister 600 in a cheque (for proof) and tell her it's her half of the ring.

This is a very sad but not uncommon experience to be going through and I am very sorry that you are going through this right now.

My initial thought on the ring is that your dad did not want it buried with your mother, so he probably would not have wanted it buried with him either. I would keep it on the chain like you are doing. Close to you.

To be honest, I think there's a lot of stuff going on here that you and her both just need to forget. Is the ring really important? Instead of fighting, try to support each other, it is a difficult time for both of you.

Sorry op can you clear up whether a will was left? If so, who is the executor of the will? and did it specify that your sister only have a certain amount of cash?

I like the idea that it should be passed on to the first grandchild to marry.

Sorry for your losses.

Surely there must have been two rings? Your dads and your mums? Where is your dads original ring? Can your sister get that?

You seem to really dislike your sister. You dont approve of her life style, and you and your dad together distanced yourselves from her. Her children wants to live with you. What a fantastic person you must be. You got the love of her parents. The love of her children. And now there you are, the elder sister, confidante of your father and keeper of his accounts, and stipulating what her inheritance will be. I feel really sorry for your sister. She must feel so raw and powerless. She is not only grieving for the dad she had, but the distance between them too I suspect.

The last week, was her last week with her dad. Perhaps a very rare week for her, given that she has been out in the cold and alienated for so long. She was there for him. Not you, and this is why she is cold now, I suspect.

Dont underestimate her grief!