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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not put a valuable ring in my fathers coffin?

116 replies

damppatchnot · 11/03/2013 20:40

My dad wore my mums wedding ring as it was nicer than his when she died and he died last week

As soon as he did I put it on my cross and chain as it makes him feel close

I intended to get a heavier hold chain to put it on partly as I lost the ring my mum gave me ( she gave my sister one too)

My sister was lovely last week while we lived at dads and nursed him but since his death something has changed

I'm the oldest and dad made me a joint account holder and advised me what he wanted after his death and that was to buy sister own house as she's in rented
That's all ok but she's saying the ring should go with him as its not mine and wants the funeral ASAP which means I can't let everyone know and organise a funeral to make him proud

Dad and I were incredibly close and he never got on with my sister.

I am grieving so much but she is being
v cold and when I said its just us she said no its just me and my girls

We are having a headstone abd I wanted my stillborn daughter mentioned as she was cremated and she just said we didn't know her and that's your personal grief

I am going to get a pot with my daughters name on to be near grave but the comment was v hurtful

OP posts:

firesidechat · 12/03/2013 09:31

Did your dad write a will? If there is one, is there any chance that it could be read before any funeral takes place? If your dad left you to look after things, then tell your sister that these were Dad's final wishes and I'm carrying them out as he had asked me to do.

Unfortunately it doesn't quite work like that.

If there is a will it has to be followed to the letter, however I don't think any will can legally stipulate that a house has to be bought with the sisters share of the inheritance. I get the impression from the OPs posts that there isn't a will and that the OP and dad just discussed what they wanted to happen. In a way that is completely irrelevant. Sorry to be so blunt.

If there isn't a will then intestacy law needs to be followed and, as had been stated previously, the inheritance is split 50/50. The OP still can't insist that her sister buys a house. An administrator will have to be appointed (I think) to deal with the estate ie selling any property and distributing the assets etc. This may or may not be the OP.

Obviously there is alot of emotion flying around at the moment and I don't want to trample on the OP during such a sad time, but she could get into a right old pickle if she doesn't do things correctly. There are legally binding procedures to follow.

noclue2000 · 14/03/2013 14:11

hows the situation with your sister?

fedupofnamechanging · 14/03/2013 14:22

I would keep the ring. If she wants to go to court over it, then that would be the only way she would get it back off me. I doubt that she will do that though.

Sounds to me that she has already had plenty of money of money from you, so wouldn't be giving her another penny of my money.

As for the rest, if your dad left you legally in charge of his estate, then I think you should do what he wanted. Buy her a house, as was his wish, then leave her to it!

Pigsmummy · 14/03/2013 14:30

Please keep the ring, explain why it is important to you, I think your idea regards a little pot to keep on the grave is lovely, do that. For the funeral don't rush into it, maybe her way of coping is trying to get every thing "done", hence the coldness and rushing the funeral. I hope that it goes as well at it can, my very best wishes to you lovely lady.

INeverSaidThat · 14/03/2013 14:55

pagwatch'es post is very perceptive .

IAmNotAMindReader · 14/03/2013 15:00

Keep the ring. A lot of funeral directors won't allow valuables to be buried with the deceased or even at viewing in case they are stolen so you could go down that route in explaining your decision.

Original poster

damppatchnot · 14/03/2013 19:02

I told her how I felt and she said you were closer to mum and dad so that's that

I said if I was it was only because of the time I spent with them and I could not undo the past. Also that dad loved her and wanted her to be secure which is why he wants me to look after money and pay for a house and holidays for her. I said I can only try to do what he wished and that's all

She seems a bit better now. I said I know we are different but since dad died you seem to be distant and that really has upset me as we only have each other

We're all going for tea out tomorrow so hoping better times ahead

OP posts:

Mollydoggerson · 14/03/2013 19:23

Some people withdraw after a death, that doesn't make them cold or selfish, it is just how they handle things. All siblings have their own relationship with their parent.

Your sister is entitled to withdraw, she does not have to be close to other family members at the moment. She is entitled to her grieving process even if it is different to yours and she is entitled to do so without criticism. She has to work through her feelings and her thoughts, she should be allowed to do so without judgment.

I lost a parent recently, I predicted and it did pan out, that in the dying days and during the funeral, my very self obsessed sister turned it into the 'Mary' show. She took over the funeral and did so in such a way as she was doing a favour for everybody else, she railroaded what she percieved as correct. I found her lack of consideration for others selfish. I have withdrawn from her since then.

Xales · 14/03/2013 19:28

Molly I expect my sister to do exactly the same. I have told my mum if she wants x, y & z for her funeral then to get it down on paper and I will ensure it happens. If she doesn't then I will walk away, leave my sister to do what she will and pay my respects in my own way.

I did this as at another relatives funeral a year ago my sister started going Aunt Fanny is a bitch she isn't coming to mums funeral, Uncle Bob is a wanker he is not coming to mums funeral. I said erm what about what mum wants...

Bogeyface · 14/03/2013 19:42

I suspect that when the time comes (not for a long time I hope) my sister will be the same too. She has always been one for the grand gesture that makes her look good but is never around for the nitty gritty dirty work that needs doing day to day but gets no glory. :(

digerd · 14/03/2013 19:55

Bogeyface
My sister is the same.

noclue2000 · 14/03/2013 20:33

. Also that dad loved her and wanted her to be secure which is why he wants me to look after money and pay for a house and holidays for her.

im sorry, but if i was your sister, i would be FUMING at that.
unless your dad has written it into his will that she gets a particular property you can not make her buy a house, anything she gets is her money. she is not a child.

Bogeyface · 14/03/2013 20:37

which is why he wants me to look after money I would have heard "because you can't be trusted with it" at the end of that sentence if I was her. I can kind of see where she is coming from tbh.

Original poster

damppatchnot · 14/03/2013 21:01

OP posts:

INeverSaidThat · 14/03/2013 21:02

I really think you have to give your sister her money and not control it e en if it is what your dad wanted. Don't bail her out but don't try and control her.

Bogeyface · 14/03/2013 21:03

why the ?

Can you honestly say that there isnt an element of that in it?

INeverSaidThat · 14/03/2013 21:03

[Blush]. Even not e en.

Original poster

damppatchnot · 14/03/2013 21:36

My sister has always been in trouble one way or another. She gets into debt and we have had to pull her out.

The reason dad wants her to have house is so she's secure as he won't be here to bail her out anymore

I've done everything I can to help her but it never makes any difference

I know she legally has rights to 50% and I will ensure she gets this but want to help her at the same time

OP posts:

Original poster

damppatchnot · 14/03/2013 21:38

And today I told her to take some valuable furniture from dads to make up the ring value

OP posts:

INeverSaidThat · 14/03/2013 21:51

You need to stop bailing her out. It's not healthy for you or her. It lets her continue to act like a child. She has to know you will never help her out financially. (You can help her in other ways, give her advice or invite her for meals or whatever). You can not legally retain 'her' money and you can't tell her what to do with it. You need to step back and just have a normal sister relationship with her.

How old is your sister?

DialsMavis · 14/03/2013 21:57

I cant imagine what an awful time this is for all of your family, i am so sorry. Did your father leave a will? I know others have asked but I think I may have missed the reply.

So, your father asked you to give split 50% of his estate between your sister and a trust fund for your nieces. But your idea was to buy sis a house? Is that stipulated in a will? Who would choose the house ? I'm sorry to upset you further, but you keeping your sisters inheritance but deigning to buy her a holiday when you see fit is really a very horrid idea, really nasty... You cannot treat and adult like that, or is that also written in a will?

Original poster

damppatchnot · 14/03/2013 21:57

OP posts:

INeverSaidThat · 14/03/2013 22:11

Is there anything that makes her particularly vulnerable?

Does she have a partner?

Original poster

damppatchnot · 14/03/2013 22:14

Husband left her for another woman and she has no friends

OP posts:

Original poster

damppatchnot · 14/03/2013 22:16

No will as dad discussed things with her and she agreed with him before he died

OP posts:

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