To not put a valuable ring in my fathers coffin?

[damppatchnot]

My dad wore my mums wedding ring as it was nicer than his when she died and he died last week

As soon as he did I put it on my cross and chain as it makes him feel close

I intended to get a heavier hold chain to put it on partly as I lost the ring my mum gave me ( she gave my sister one too)

My sister was lovely last week while we lived at dads and nursed him but since his death something has changed

I'm the oldest and dad made me a joint account holder and advised me what he wanted after his death and that was to buy sister own house as she's in rented
That's all ok but she's saying the ring should go with him as its not mine and wants the funeral ASAP which means I can't let everyone know and organise a funeral to make him proud

Dad and I were incredibly close and he never got on with my sister.

I am grieving so much but she is being
v cold and when I said its just us she said no its just me and my girls

We are having a headstone abd I wanted my stillborn daughter mentioned as she was cremated and she just said we didn't know her and that's your personal grief

I am going to get a pot with my daughters name on to be near grave but the comment was v hurtful

Sorry but I also have to agree that I think it's inappropriate to put your daughters details on his headstone.

Everyone deals with grief in different ways. If you are going to keep the ring forever as a sentimental thing I would put my foot down and say you would like it

She's quibbling about a ring when she's about to get a whole house bought for her?

Sorry for your loss.

When my DF died, my mum was torn whether to keep his wedding ring with him or for her to keep it. In the end, we decided that Dad didn't need it, as he knew he was married in his heart, and that he would have wanted my DM to be comforted and she gets comfort from his wedding ring so I completely understand where you are coming from.

I would imagine that grief is making your DSis act in this way. Unfortunately, funerals being what they are, you don't have much time to sort through this. All I can advise is to put your foot down about the things that are vitally important to you and compromise on the things that can be compromised.

Your sisters comment about it bring her and the kids shows that she feels desperately lonely. Try not to think of her as deliberately trying to hurt you, but lashing out at someone she loves and trusts - kind of like when your DCs have tantrums because they trust you.

I agree with her about the headstone, its for people to remember your dad.
And I really think you should think about the ring issue. It was your mums then your dads. To her it is not yours and she feels that as it was their wedding band it should be with them.
Her feelings may not be the same as yours but they are just as worthy.

Also, just because she didn't get on with your dad doesn't make her feelings less important than yours.

I've seen it too many times where families are torn apart in grief because all the old sibling issues come to the fore. Is there another member of the family who could help out?

Given that you lost your mums wedding ring then I can see why your sister might not want you to have this ring too, I'm sorry, I realise that's probably not what you want to hear.

Perhaps you could offer to have it melted down and made into 2 pieces of jewellery/smaller rings, one for each of you?

It wasn't her mum's wedding ring the OP lost, it was a ring her mother had given her, her sister has one too.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I do think that people cope in different ways, though. You see her as cold. She might also see you as cold - if you think about it, she could think that your focus on this 'valuable' ring is cold and monetary. Of course, that isn't your main motivation, but I'm trying to illustrate how different people see things differently. Some people find it very hard to show grief and focus on objects - as you are both doing. It is natural, but it's not easy to find a blueprint for how you should each respond.

I think that perhaps you could email her (writing it down is easier as you have time to edit what you say and consider how you're coming across) and find a way to explain how you see your dad's ring. I wouldn't focus on the monetary value - it is clear from your posts that you attach great sentimental value to this ring, but perhaps your sister doesn't see that?

It is awful that you are also mourning a lost baby and I expect your sister is not really grasping how that feels. On the one hand I can see how you would naturally feel it would be lovely to have your baby connected with your father on a memorial. But I can see your sister's point too. Could you perhaps have a separate memorial for the both of them - something like maybe a bench in a park your dad liked, or a tree you plant in memory of them both? That way your dad's actual grave would be just marked for him, but you would also have some way of remembering the two of them together?

Condolences for your all your losses; burying your child and your parents and then having to deal with family stress must be terribly painful.

I'm afraid I haven't understood the names on the headstone issue- I don't mean to pry, but is it a family plot where your baby is also buried? If so is there a family tradition about having separate headstones? If the issue is one of naming who they were loving parents and grandparents of, it might be best to leave those details off and simply have your parents' details.

I think burying the ring is probably not the right thing to do , because there's no coming back from a change of a mind. Did your dad still have his own wedding ring, or is that the one that was lost? Could you and your sister have one each of your parents' wedding rings? If you can't agree , then it would probably be better to have the ring safely secured in a deposit box (if you lost your mum's ring, your sister may still feel upset about that).

This is your fathers funeral, and you are quite right to not rush arrangements.
You need to put the relevent notices in the local papers, and attendees may need time travel etc.
I'm sorry to say, I don't think you should include your daughter on this occasion.
Perhaps do something separate and special for her at a later date.
As regards putting the ring in the coffin, I wouldnt do. Be strong and say no.
It would be such a waste, your Father probably never thought about that.

maybe your sister would like the ring too and resents you having taken it?

To answer the original question, no, YANBU to not want to put the ring in the coffin. The sentiment is sweet, but could you not bury him with another token from your mother?

As a mum, I'd not want my children burying something as precious as a ring with my husband. The ring will last, someone in the family should inherit it. If needs be, sell it, but putting it in the coffin seems a shame, imo.

Your sister sounds like a real piece of work. As someone upthread says, she can "I want" all she likes but why are you sounding like you'll give in to this? Her opinion is no more important than your own. Let her get her way on a few things but if this ring is important to you, keep it. Tell her to get stuffed; she's essentially telling you that now. You will regret it if you give in on this, as it's obviously weighing on you enough that you're asking us.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Its a hard one and things like this always cause trouble especially when tensions already exist.

I personally wouldn't bury jewellery with someone but that doesn't make it wrong. Could you perhaps put a copy of a wedding photo or something in with him instead so its still something related to their wedding/happiness?

You say he died last week so really if the funeral date hasn't been set yet its not being rushed, and I can understand why your sister wants it done. All of my relatives we have buried more or less exactly a week after the death because its only after the funeral you can begin to move forward and properly grieve IMO. That was enough time to get my Aunty home from Africa to so really you don't need a great deal of time to plan things.

Did you Dad leave no idea as to how he would want things?

I hope you manage to get everything sorted so you are happy with the plans.

I'm a bit confused about the headstone issue. If it's a case of "Loving Grandfather to Bob, Mary, Sue and Johnny", then your child should definitely be included in this, no exceptions. Whether or not the child is still with you, he was still their grandfather. But if you want to put a memorial headstone with your grandfathers details and put your childs ashes in as well, then I think that you should look at having a separate memorial especially for her.

In our family, we do bury wedding rings with the person, but not engagement rings or other jewellery. There's just something so personal about a wedding ring, and I couldn't have imagined taking them off my parents hands. My father died 13 years after my mother, and that ring had never been off his finger since the day they married, for any reason. I have all the other jewellery, just not the wedding rings.

Is it a case of your sister gets a house, and you get very little, or will you both be provided for equally? If it's the former, then she should probably let you have the ring, but in either case, it really was something that you needed to discuss between you before you decided to keep it for yourself. I know you feel that you were closer to him than her, but she's his daughter also, and you don't know the level of grief she is feeling. Sadly, the death of a loved one can be the straw that broke the camels back for many relationships, and sometimes you may have to compromise to avoid becoming estranged from her. Think about what is really important to you, and decide where you can compromise with her about things. Can you have the ring, but she gets to select some other pieces of jewellery (for her and her children), or could you use some of the money to buy all of the grandchildren a special piece of jewellery, like your mother did for you? Try and find a way to work together through this.

I wish you the best of luck, and send my condolences for your losses.

Dad never trusted my sister so he asked me to become a joint account holder with him and the house which is paid for.

He told me that when I sold the house to put 2/6 of the proceeds in an account for her children when they are older and give her 1/6 of the proceeds in cash which she will blow as she has always done. I said this would cause problems so suggested I gave her 1/2 and bought her a house so she would have security when older as currently in rented and won't be able to pay when maintenance stops.

She can have anything she wants out of the house or cash I have in joint account. But the ring is something I cannot part with as its cherished as memories of mum and dad. Dads ring is still around as he took it off when mum died and put hers on

I agree about the headstone. My dd was cremated as was mum and it will be a new grave so it was an opportunity to mark as memory to them both but I will get a pot with her name on and place that near. It was just the way she said "I never met her"

I've lost my best friend. The last thing I want is to start arguing about monetary things but dad insisted I look out for her and the children and I knew it would cause trouble

Sorry but if your dad said she should have 1/6 of her share in cash then it's her business how she spends it, if she blows it all then so be it.

It's not up to you to decide that her inheritance would be better spent on a house and it sounds like it's not what your dad initially chose or wanted until you talked him round.

she has cherished memories too, you need to decide about the ring between you

Yes, I agree with wild. I can understand you are upset, and her comment about your daughter must have felt horrible. But she must feel very alienated by the way you are acting. It's her dad too.

Why is it you feel your grieving, memories and opinions take precedence over your sisters?

It's not causing trouble because your Dad wanted his money to look after his daughters, it's causing trouble because you don't agree on certain things. You need to work out the best way to deal with it, and find some kind of compromise. I know it's difficult when you are hurting so much, but this is a significant time in your lives and you have to be as careful as you can be not to make things worse.

I can see how your sister might be feeling tbh. The ring was your mums and then your dads and you took it from him, no discussion, and have decided you deserve it. Maybe she wants it as it was your mums? Or maybe she feels it should be left with them?
Then you tell her you're adding your daughter to his grave stone, and telling her she has to buy a house with her inheritence.
I am sorry for your loss, but it might be making it hard for you to see clearly - I can't believe the posters suggesting your sister is a piece of work, or that she should fuck off! I'm sure that's not what you want to hear.

There are two rings, you should each keep one. Decide between you. Grabbing ANYTHING after a parent has died is a very bad first move.

Unless your father left written instructions to the contrary, I would split the money 50/50, and how she spends her is entirely her decision. You're welcome to say, "Dad hoped it would buy you a house." Or, Dad wanted to leave a certain amount in savings for your daughters. But if he hasn't written down a specific amount/percentage for her DC, then give it all to her.

She is being cold & horrible to you - that comment about your daughter was shocking. But you also need to be more accomodating about the funeral arrangements and headstone.

If you want too add a pot to the grave make sure you get written permission from he council or who ever runs/ looks after the site or they can remove it x sorry for you loss op I lost both parents by time I was 19 and my step mum ruined my dads funeral :(

My sister has lost ££££ over the years and dad and I have always helped

2 years ago my dh and I gave her 6k to stop landlord throwing her out and she asked me to manage her money and keep bank cards. She then said when I questioned why her account had less in then it should that I had been taking money out then it turned out she had another card but never apologised for her remark and said I have bad memory and can't remember it

This is one of both reasons dad and I were distant from her and dad wanted her kids to be secure

It's awful

If I give her ring she will sell it