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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not put a valuable ring in my fathers coffin?

116 replies

damppatchnot · 11/03/2013 20:40

My dad wore my mums wedding ring as it was nicer than his when she died and he died last week

As soon as he did I put it on my cross and chain as it makes him feel close

I intended to get a heavier hold chain to put it on partly as I lost the ring my mum gave me ( she gave my sister one too)

My sister was lovely last week while we lived at dads and nursed him but since his death something has changed

I'm the oldest and dad made me a joint account holder and advised me what he wanted after his death and that was to buy sister own house as she's in rented
That's all ok but she's saying the ring should go with him as its not mine and wants the funeral ASAP which means I can't let everyone know and organise a funeral to make him proud

Dad and I were incredibly close and he never got on with my sister.

I am grieving so much but she is being
v cold and when I said its just us she said no its just me and my girls

We are having a headstone abd I wanted my stillborn daughter mentioned as she was cremated and she just said we didn't know her and that's your personal grief

I am going to get a pot with my daughters name on to be near grave but the comment was v hurtful

OP posts:

tiggytape · 14/03/2013 22:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

damppatchnot · 14/03/2013 22:58

My dad had no wife as my mum died in 1999 also of cancer

OP posts:

candyandyoga · 14/03/2013 23:03

Tell your sister to fuck the fuck off.

Don't be bullied by her.

Keel the ring.

Put your baby's name on the headstone.

And again, don't be bullied by her. x

StuntGirl · 14/03/2013 23:26

Give her her 50% and leave her to it. It is not your place to dictate her life to her.

starfishmummy · 14/03/2013 23:42

If there is no will then what the op and her father discussed is irrelevant. The law Will decide how the estate is distributed.

Bogeyface · 15/03/2013 00:02

With no will in place your sister is legally entitled to 50% of your fathers estate and what she spends it on has nothing to do with you.

Thats how it is.

Bogeyface · 15/03/2013 00:04

You also need to be aware that any of his financial institutions can insist on probate (happened to my FIL despite joint everything) which can cost thousands.

SergeantSnarky · 15/03/2013 00:38

Sorry for your loss.

Personally and it may be deemed sentimental but I would have buried my dad with his ring(s) on - irrespective of whether it was Mum's wedding ring or not it was a symbol of their union and I would bury him with it.

If the headstone says beloved husband of (your mum's name) beloved father to (you and sister) and Grandfather to (grandchildren's names) then I would have included your DD, absolutely.

Alternatively as others have said then it should just say beloved husband father and grandfather.

If you are determined to keep the ring then you should pass his wedding band onto your sister in lieu.

INeverSaidThat · 15/03/2013 12:23

OP, you really need to deal with this legally. At present, you have no right to decide how your Dads estate is distributed. It is not yours. It is the estates and the law decides who gets what. Here is a good place to start. Perhaps you and your sister can arrange to see a solicetor for a 'free' half hour or go to Citizens Advice so that you can do ths legally.
I see that your Dad made you a joint account holder and I think this means the money in that account is legally yours and you can therefore do what you want with it. Morally, of course, you should split it with your sister. I also see that you mention 'sharing' the ownership of your Dads house so, maybe, you also legally have a right to do what you want with that too

However,

The ring is NOT legally yours.
and It is NOT for you to dictate to your sister what she gets.

I am not suprised your sister is unhappy, she is now, legally in a very precarious position and she may well feel that you have completely stitched her up. I think the best thing is to see a solicetor and get it sorted out fairly and take all the emotive decisions out of the equation. I think you would be making a huge mistake if you continue to try and control your sisters finances.

Good luck.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 15/03/2013 12:37

As others have said, there is a process you must go through. You cannot "have" the ring and your sister cannot "have" the furniture. They are part of his estate and must be accounted for when the value of the estate is being calculated.

I assume you have some sort if legal assistance with this, if not, get some. It is not as simple as just divvying things up between yourselves.

I assume you have

Mollydoggerson · 15/03/2013 17:46

How would you feel if your sister was telling you what you could and couldn't take?

Legally you and your sister are on par with each other, jointly next of kin, you are both equally entitled to be executrixes to the estate. You need to respect her a little more.

Original poster

damppatchnot · 16/03/2013 17:30

Thanks for all your messages

Sister and I went shopping today and everything ok. Feel closer to her than ever and we got on really well.

OP posts:

candyandyoga · 16/03/2013 21:53

Really?! That was a quick turnaround

Original poster

damppatchnot · 16/03/2013 23:19

I know. I told her how I felt three days ago and she has really turned around

Thankgod as she's all i have now x

OP posts:

OrWellyAnn · 16/03/2013 23:30

Damp patch. Firstly I'm so sorry for your loss...it's clear from your posts that you had a very special relationship with your Dad and I think you should keep the ring if it has sentimental value to you, ESP if you think your sister would sell it if she had it.

it sounds like you are trying to do what your Father wanted and look after your sister and this must be a very difficult job when your grief is so raw.

your sister is possibly withdrawing because she doesn't know how to handle her own grief, I have my fingers crossed that once you have got thorough the funeral she will take some time to think and realise how lucky she is to have a sister who clearly cares for her enormously and has her best interests at heart.

Sending you a v UnMN'y hug.

Original poster

damppatchnot · 17/03/2013 02:24

That's a lovely post thankyou so much xxxx

OP posts:

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